Character_Let_3982 Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
3	New car		Character_Let_3982	/r/Divorce_Men	06/03/24 09:24 PM

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
1	Process like I just went through a CA divorce. I am not a lawyer. I think all CA divorces follow the process below. But I'm not a lawyer and don't really know. I don't think you can skip steps. I can't see how a judge can possibly make decisions without FL-142 for example. It's explained below. This is my understanding of it all. CA divorce is much more involved than your wife thinks. And I think you can see a few steps along the way where you really want to have a lawyer. Go read CA FL-100 very carefully. L…	/r/Divorce_Men	08/05/24 12:43 AM
3	Why bother with mediation / settlement if a judge will just assign 50/50? Sounds like an easy divorce. So yeah, if you both are agreed on 50/50, done. Right? Trial is a cliff you and your stbx are speeding towards. It's a cliff because it costs a lot especially if there is contention ... or kids. States probably vary on cost. Generally there are three things to negotiate. Splitting wealth accrued in marriage. Spousal support. Child custody and support. If both parties are rational, the trial / cliff is a gambit that favors the stronger earner. Let's say the weaker ear…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/05/24 08:25 PM
4	Forgiveness I've reached the point of having no more fucks to give. I'm not sure if that counts as forgiveness or not. But there's peace there. I hear of people keeping their ex as a casual to close friend. That would be my preference. She's dripping in venom tho. She victimized herself and, you know, not being a shrink or anything, I think that's her locked-in identity now. Her new friend group actually formed out of that victimization. There's a pretty large facebook group out there cheering her on actual…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/05/24 05:54 PM
2	First Steps..? No advice on custody. That's lawyer land. But here's some grunt prep work. Most of the stuff below hedges her behavior if she goes BSC. My ex DID go bat shit crazy. I was surprised at how uncooperative she could be. She burnt bridges she was standing on. Go figure. She wanted the divorce. And she made everything as painful as possible. Organization is absolutely your friend during this process. Get copies of every financial document you can: bank accounts, credit card statements (even without ro…	/r/Divorce_Men	06/05/24 09:11 PM
2	First offer, defeated. Half the assets and child support were a given right? So the only thing that can be bartered is the buyout. Do you have a ballpark on alimony, monthly $ / max years? If so, do a present value.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/05/24 04:54 AM
2	College fees She only has a single semester left? If so, why not pay it? I mean, you could lawyer up and fight. But how much will that cost?	/r/Divorce_Men	05/05/24 05:17 PM
1	How long did your contested divorce take from filing to agreement? We wasted two years with zero progress. She went through a lot of lawyers. She wouldn't respond to offers. She lied on a lot of forms. She emptied bank accounts. She made honor promises to come to the table but was a no show. She canceled health insurance. She sold stuff and pocketed the cash. I "stupidly" did everything by the book. My fees were around $20k-$25k at the two year mark. Most of the money was spent bringing her new lawyer up to speed every few months. All cards. Then a consolidatio…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/05/24 12:48 AM
4	Child Support California Keep the money in something flexible at first, maybe a HYSA. I'm seeing a lot of CDs with 5% rates. Get the decree. Wait a year. Let it bake in a bit. I'm told the decree has some remote chance of being challenged if done quickly but that mostly disappears after the first year. Once you're completely clear of the divorce, if it eases your conscious, throw CS into a 529 (if your kid is young enough) or ear mark it, keep investing, and build whatever deposit you can for her first home.	/r/Divorce_Men	30/04/24 04:52 PM
10	Trying to get over the financial loss and jealousy My ex made sure I lost my home, my pets, and half of my savings. A home buyout would have been a win-win. I could have kept the pets and she would be $50k - 100k richer. But no. She wanted me and my son (who I support 100% as he finishes college) out of there. It's the nature of the beast. Society defines men as failures in divorce. The man did SOMETHING to make the woman unhappy. And, honestly, the vast majority of women are unhappy unless they get goat yoga and wine each day. Guys get piled on…	/r/Divorce_Men	30/04/24 04:20 PM
7	Remaining friends She feels I did something to her. No cheating. I did criticize her career though. She does even less than coasting. She plays at work. She has reached quadruple levels in Candy Crush, cultivates 1500 friend on Facebook, etc. We (meaning me) struggled to buy a home. And she went to Starbucks three times a day. That was a big recurring fight. She told me (in a joking way of course) that my purpose in life was to serve her. I didn't laugh. But anyway, I'm more forgiving. I'd rather get along just t…	/r/Divorce_Men	29/04/24 07:20 PM
4	What actually would happen if my ex got a permanent restraining order against me? Right after filing, I was really worried about my phone. The account was in her name. And if she did something nasty, SSO and MFA would break for me. I wouldn't be able to log into my work accounts. So I wrote my ex asking her to help me split my phone to a separate account. That pissed her off. She wrote my lawyer and threatened a restraining order. Then her lawyer made it more official with a written letter to my lawyer. My lawyer gave me this advice. "Never contact her or her lawyer. As far a…	/r/Divorce_Men	26/04/24 03:04 PM
2	Legal meeting today Advice you can take or leave. FAIRNESS: Suspend your sense of justice, adopt pragmatism. Expect a "it's not illegal unless I get caught" attitude from the ex. Mine canceled insurance, cleared the bank account, sold a car and pocketed the money, cut off my utilities, and lied about her income by about 50%. Expect the courts to not care. In my case, the court was on rails. I couldn't even speak in most appearances. The process didn't even afford me enough time to bring it up. Besides, even if I co…	/r/Divorce_Men	26/04/24 02:49 PM
1	What Net Present Value to use for lump sum payment of alimony? A buyout is a high stake game of poker. You can put forward a fair best guess. But it's all choo choo money. Present value is voodoo. First, realize lawyers do this daily. They have calculators. So they'll have an idea of what's fair. You might even see them counter with exact pennies. $169.100.30. The basic PV formula's parameters will be wild ass guesses: Interest rates for the next N years Inflation for the next N years Alimony payment amount Excel has a built in NPV function. Google Sheets p…	/r/Divorce_Men	25/04/24 11:20 PM
2	Any recommended books while going thru divorce? If you're looking for novels... I had a lot of issues with my son. Siddhartha. I also had a lot of problems with my role in my divorce. Till We Have Faces. Both are good for understanding forgiveness. And if you just want an easy read about stupid shit, The Alchemist. It's a good book. Just a little too ... sappy. WEB Griffin, Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton if you just want to get soaked in a sponge of stupid guy stuff and forget for a while.	/r/Divorce_Men	25/04/24 10:44 PM
6	Is the cold shoulder common after filing? My divorce felt like a television set being dismantled around me. I was an actor still doing my thing, reading my lines, still fighting the same fight. And the walls were being walked away and lights coming down. I served my ex wife like you. And I still didn't quite feel the blow until six months later. The reality of it hit hard. If papers were served, realistically, you're past the point of no return.	/r/Divorce_Men	25/04/24 10:34 PM
12	What was your next relationship like? I jumped in right away. I was dating while separated. I had a one year relationship, broke up. Then I had another one year relationship. I was honest about my marital status: "my ex and I will never be together again but we are in the middle of a divorce." Both girls had early doubts. And they were valid. But they continued. Both girls were high'ish on the corporate ladder. They were responsible. They were healthy. They were in shape. One owned a 1.5 million dollar house under a trust. There's n…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/04/24 10:23 PM
1	Dealing with false perceptions and overreactions You know, I hate how misogynistic this sounds. It's really not meant that way. But I'll apologize in advance. There are definitely differences in gender roles in marriage. The anger is born here. I know of plenty of guys who kneeled to ask for the wife's hand in marriage. I know of exactly zero women who did this. I won't elaborate on this any more than to say, for men, the first step in marriage is begging and promising. The promise is happiness. Or perhaps fulfillment. Men marry with the onus …	/r/Divorce_Men	23/04/24 05:27 PM
3	When is a good time to block on social media Once you're sure... I tried reconciling and played every card I had. Didn't work. So I blocked her entire family on social media and I cranked up privacy as much as possible. While married, I had seen a couple of other guys leave the family. The entire family gossiped at parties, saw it as sport. They passed around phones. They shared text messages, tears, begging, and the craziest private stuff. Big nope. Not all families are as fucked as my ex wife's tho. YMMV.	/r/Divorce_Men	21/04/24 04:28 PM
2	I just found out that I’m going to be forced to sell my house and pay around $1,500 monthly for alimony, child support, and health insurance. I only bring home $3,000 every month. How am I going to survive? The answer is to organize for change. #metoo.v2.0 Soap box warning. Divorce related suicide is the deadliest epidemic that is completely swept under the rug. https://jech.bmj.com/content/57/12/993 It's complete bullshit. Alimony should start at $0. And the courts should burden the lower earning spouse with proving he/she was forced to sacrifice or compromise his/her career. Jumping the tracks a bit... I know a family who has an adopted disabled child. She has fetal alcohol syndrome. She works at…	/r/Divorce_Men	19/04/24 06:45 PM
7	Doing all the right things....still sad sometimes I expect a recovery to take many years. It's a huge adjustment. I was married about 20 years too. Finalizing my divorce was definitely a mile marker in recovering. I'm a year past the divorce. The sadness is about 25% now.	/r/Divorce_Men	19/04/24 02:49 PM
7	California and life time alimony Really sorry to hear about your plight. I absolutely agree. Alimony is evil. I think lifetime alimony is really misunderstood. A lot of lawyers don't even seem to get it. CA doesn't have lifetime alimony. It has lifetime court jurisdiction which grants the courts the ability to adjust alimony indefinitely. It's all in CA FC 4336. Lifetime jurisdiction is automatic if the marriage lasted 10 years or more. But the judge can retain lifetime jurisdiction even if it's less than 10 years too. And ther…	/r/Divorce_Men	18/04/24 11:04 PM
2	Custody undecided OurFamilyWizard may be in your future. It's web based software that is supposed to keep communication focused and civil. Auditable, that kind of thing. I've never used it. I hear it's **** but courts order it at times. For now, be very concise, clear, on target, and keep a record of everything. No advice for physical pickup except to keep distance between you.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/04/24 08:26 PM
3	Legal help. Probably not much you can do. I divorced just as my kids reached adulthood. I was really dedicated to putting my kids through college. My ex wife was of a different mind. She wasn't lifting a finger. She took her share of the home equity and ran. She bought all sorts of new toys for herself and cut the kids loose. So. I really am dedicated. I got stuck with the bill. I think it's rare, but sometimes a judge will enforce an implied contract to help the kids past 18. Established 529's and the like…	/r/Divorce_Men	18/04/24 08:04 PM
9	She wants a reaction out of me so bad Poor fella probably don’t even want to be on that situation The movie Heat captures this pretty damn well. Fucking Ralphs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zwx0vN_1VKE	/r/Divorce_Men	17/04/24 11:18 PM
1	Careers Advice LinkedIn learning has some good stuff. It usually skims the surface tho. It won't earn experience. There are a few truths in tech. Most employees feel "imposter syndrome" at some point. Most start as fake-it-til-you-make-it types. There is no such thing as a drop-in candidate AKA every tech position requires learning quite a bit of new stuff. And finally, onboarding can take 6 mos or more. So, you may be fudging stuff for a while. Par for the course.	/r/Divorce_Men	17/04/24 05:10 PM
1	Careers Advice Yeah, agreed, tech is risky. Data analysis and software engineering are in flux. But perhaps everything else is too. AI is a threat to most white collar jobs. And there is no crystal ball. If labor pool demands diminish, it'll probably be across the board. AI is making the current software engineering labor pool more efficient. I don't see jobs being replaced any time soon. But I do see labor demands going down as AI becomes an aid. AI can write skeleton code in seconds. If you do go tech, go fo…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/04/24 04:55 PM
3	Things seem like a mess… Don't look back. Divorce is Life 2.0.	/r/Divorce_Men	17/04/24 04:29 PM
7	How long did it take you to be happy again I've been divorced a bit over a year. It took about three or four years to get here. It's been peaks and valleys on a massive scale. Not 0 to 10. More like -1000 to 10. I was catatonically depressed for years. I still have lows. Most of the depression stemmed from the "unknown." I had no idea how my life would look from the moment of separation onward. But the unknowns have resolved and I am in control of my fate (more or less) once again. The courts don't have that massive power over my life an…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/04/24 03:37 PM
1	Passive aggressive STBX Cooperation during a divorce? Good luck. Divorce is ridiculous. And we live in ridiculous times. A guy is still expected to take a knee while proposing. And when he doesn't fulfill another perfectly capable human being, it's assumed he did "something" to cause her to be unhappy. The lack of cooperation during divorce is born here. It's irrational.	/r/Divorce_Men	15/04/24 05:41 PM
1	When do the dreams stop? Find a passion, preferably something stable that will always be there. Challenging and generous small gains are a big plus. I just started playing the guitar at 50. I'm told it's a fool's errand but it has been the best therapy I've found to date. It might take a while to find something that works. I tried weights, cardio, surfing, meetups, dating, rock climbing, and other stuff. But anyway, guitar playing worked for me. There's always something new to learn. Small gains are an unbelievable high…	/r/Divorce_Men	15/04/24 05:19 PM
17	Anyone is staying single permanently? I'm over 50. The days of "building together" are long gone. 50+ means it's a 1-player game for anyone who has any net worth at all.	/r/Divorce_Men	12/04/24 05:22 PM
8	What are some initial coping methods? Meditate. The entire "acknowledge thoughts but don't participate" thing really helped me a lot. But there are other useful tools there. Journal. My therapist says hand-written is a must, something about tactile engaging the mind differently. It's a good way to work through thoughts and leave them behind on paper. Therapist also says to not re-read. All of this is a bit too mushy holistic hippy bs. But, go figure, it did help. Find a support person who is pragmatic. This was my dad. He broke up e…	/r/Divorce_Men	10/04/24 05:18 PM
3	She misstated her income in the separation agreement. What to do? Not sure what state you're in, but I'd imagine the local courts gather official pay soon after the petition. It's needed for temporary spousal support, child support, etc. So kind of key. CA uses a Declaration of Income of Expenses. It's signed under perjury. Start by looking for an equivalent and seeing what she put down. Talk to a lawyer if she lied there too. Refuse to sign the agreement obviously. You don't want to sign then revisit.	/r/Divorce_Men	10/04/24 05:10 PM
3	Constant hostility Same. I built tolerance to it just like any other stimulus. It took a few years. But it's all a dismissive shrug any more. One key skill is being objective. Judge whether each issue is a game or a problem. Be objective about scope, effect, and work arounds. Don't stand on principle. You'll be defending those principles forever and definitely converting a lot of useful energy into heat without much effect.	/r/Divorce_Men	09/04/24 03:41 PM
1	Online dating "Joined AA in January"	/r/Divorce_Men	02/04/24 04:08 PM
2	Online dating Yep. I'm out of the loop too. So this is much different than threesomes, but I also noticed an overload of therapy in the dating pool. Love languages, apology languages, personality types, terms like caustic, emotional abuse, emotional cheating are all new to me. There are four categories, sixteen categories, or a bullet list for EVERYTHING. Some of it seems like psuedoscience. To me, therapy should be a tool to help us understand ourselves or our relationships with others. But any more, it's us…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/04/24 04:04 PM
3	Online dating Looks about right... I spook when I see more than one "girl's spa day" photo. Looks expensive, like I'm optional but might be picking up the bill. Say no to hiking dates. So many problems. Different hiking paces. Not fun walking single file talking to the back of the head. Sweaty. Disaster. But it's a common second date proposal from women. Realize that a lot of women have the same issues with men. Ghosted. Led on. Dick picks. OLD sucks for everyone.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/04/24 03:54 PM
1	Having Lunch with my STBX today Perhaps prep with some soul searching on motivation, both yours and hers. I don't want to make presumptions on the intertubes. But... it sounds like you're sentimental, hopeful for reconciliation once she realizes the financial fallout. This may or may not happen. Be prepared if things go sideways. Knowing worst case scenarios can temper reactions a lot.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/04/24 03:48 PM
1	Intro Exes often try to get under the skin. Gray rocking is a strategy to prevent negative reactions and mulling. A coworker divorced. He and his wife shared their home for about a year during the divorce. They moved to separate bedrooms. She put locks on her door. He felt it implied past or future abuse. It worked him up a bit, which is actually kind of normal in my opinion. But if he took action, it'd help her make a point. The locks were honestly harmless. Who cares. His next best move was to compl…	/r/Divorce_Men	02/04/24 03:36 PM
6	Choosing single Dating sites are full of women who have been single since their divorce. Ten years is common for my age bracket. I've never found stability in relationships with these women. I feel they desperately want someone at first but later demand everything be on their terms. So it's love bombing followed by pretty insane "this is how I do things, you should too" rules. Not limited to women. I think this is just human nature. We get used to the alarm clock being set for 6:00 am. When it's not, it's a big…	/r/Divorce_Men	01/04/24 10:31 PM
1	Intro STBX's are on a spectrum. It sounds like you got a difficult one. Me too. Mine didn't cooperate. The mechanics in my state don't really offer a control until about year two. We hemorrhaged a lot of money in needless fees and waste. She considered this winning. Showing her the cost encouraged her. I was hoping to finish in six months. I made the mistake of telling her this. It's three years later and we're almost done. She had to be force stepped through most of it. Advice: serenity prayer, gray …	/r/Divorce_Men	01/04/24 10:12 PM
1	Deep depression You're definitely not alone. I found it easy to project "worst case scenario" throughout my divorce. Worst case for me was losing quite a bit of retirement, owing $3000 in alimony, and losing my home. I work in an open atrium office. There is a beautiful balcony 50 feet from me. I'm on the eighth floor. It was on my mind every time I came into the office. I faced a few major issues. The first was money. Fiscally, worst case scenario is actually very possible. Divorce is financially brutal to men…	/r/Divorce_Men	28/03/24 03:48 PM
3	Always the victim... Yeah, sounds like mine. She wanted a pin cushion. I gave her one. I put disposable barriers between us, let her shred them. Threw them away. Otherwise known as gray rocking. This is mostly passive with just a hint of "fuck you, you're not important enough to be a concern." It flips things pretty effectively. My ex is a hamster running on a wheel. I call her Peanut.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/03/24 04:25 PM
2	How did you move on? Time was the real cure for me. It took a while to normalize, learn new routines, take on different responsibilities, rebuild. There are a lot of activities you can be doing. Working out. Exploring new sports. Taking up an instrument. Volunteering. Etc. My experience with it all was a bit disappointing. After chewing through all that, I still felt awful. Cardio exhaustion, prescribed medication, and very light recreational marijuana use (10 mg gummies a couple of times a week) helped the most. Bu…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/03/24 04:17 PM
1	Always the victim... They say women develop social skills earlier in life and outperform men. Maybe? Generalized perhaps? But not always. Female social skills go haywire in divorce from what I can tell. Or at least mine turned into an absolute monster. My take is pretty simple. It didn't work out. We should both move on. We're divorced. But we should also admit we're tied together by children for the rest of our lives. So... So what? It's over. Reset. We're back to ground zero with a relationship that is less intima…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/03/24 04:07 PM
3	Any stories of reconciliation after physical separation? She got into drinking. She tipsy called at 2:00 am a few times. We reconciled briefly. She eventually decided against it. I think she was unstable (still is) and most of her decisions were influenced by the Women's Drinking Club. So it was a battle between her id, her ego, and her friends' vicarious decision making. We were past the point of no return for this and numerous other reasons. If you're asking "Is their hope?", yeah, I think there is. But flinging the 'D' word around does a lot of dam…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/03/24 03:15 PM
1	Anyone else’s ex try to “get out in front” of your divorce? Bingo. What really floors me is how much people buy into it. My ex took her maiden name again. She posted a FB picture of her DL after the name change. Not a smart move for any number of reasons. She's just that way. She got 150 likes and 50 comments. The peanut gallery was bizarre. A few actually said it's an improvement, her maiden name sounds so much better. My two kids have my last name. It's like a crowd of stupid that cares more about zingers than collateral damage. My kids showed me the p…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/03/24 02:53 PM
2	Anyone else’s ex try to “get out in front” of your divorce? Yeah, my ex called my parents and ranted. She also got friends and other family. She was worked up and trying to get over that hill of anxiety and second guessing. So I "get it" in the sense of being swept up in emotions. Divorce is hard. Is it understandable? Yeah, we all have our flaws. Does it deserve an apology? Yeah, most definitely. Did she apologize? Nope. Did she double down? She sure did. She's doing it even now three years later. Is she a whacked out you-know-what? Absolutely.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/03/24 02:45 PM