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Fwooply Archive

View 6 posts and 125 comments by Fwooply on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

I do cardio daily on an old Lifecycle bike. I keep it very simple. 30 minutes. It's the only time I watch television. Fights depression. Free weights are trickier. Goals are much more complex. Leg, push, shoulders, back. I guess it's one thing if it's maintenance. But long-term goals like building mass seem much more elusive in a depressed state. Maybe even back fires.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 04:20 PM
4

Sounds polygamous. Can't be, right? If so, is it good news? That would end alimony in a lot of states. I couldn't see anyone finding a healthy relationship after six months of healing. Egg timer style relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 08:11 PM
2

I'm usually horrible with dates. But my wedding anniversary month/day is near my brother's birthday. He was best man and I waited on the honeymoon to celebrate his birthday. So, kind of wedged into my head. I guess the moral to this story is don't get married near a landmark date. Some claim April 11th is the least interesting day. Forgettable. Perfect day for a mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 06:02 PM
2

I was nice. I returned her yearbooks, photos, scrap books, baby books. I returned her softball glove. I made sure she had graduation tickets, etc. I gave her an opportunity to visit with the dogs before they were given away to my parents. She declined. One of those dogs was hers. My parents are on the other coast. I got vitriol back. She was a complete butt nugget. Baseless threats of restraining orders. Abandoned kids. Smear campaign. She didn't allow me to keep the house even though it would h…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 05:55 PM
2

TL;DR: CA is sloppy on defining what happens in a typical divorce. The myth of lifetime alimony can lead to bad outcomes. Long version: Sure, range helps with bargaining. The problem is CA is awful at defining range. Most believe FC 4336 means lifetime alimony. It doesn't. It means lifetime jurisdiction for marriages of "long duration". "Long duration" is a sloppy term. Marriages that last 10 years or more are "presumed" long duration. But any marriage of any length can be long duration too depe…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 05:06 PM
2

Well, kind of. CA FC 4336 is the source of the 10 year rule. The most important part of FC 4336 is the beginning. "Except on written agreement of the parties to the contrary..." Spousal support is negotiable. Settlements are the way to go. Anything works. Buyouts, caps, creative clauses. It only becomes a nightmare if it goes to trial. Judges have pretty sweeping discretionary power in CA.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 05:07 PM
2

Mine ran out of runway. That's really the only thing that stopped her. I got a favorable settlement. Not sure if her pettiness had a hand in that - I wasn't privy to some behind-closed-doors conversations. I'd like to think it did tho. She did a lot of crazy stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 02:35 AM
14

I had zero issues with this. She was so toxic during the divorce that I'm happy to see her move on. I bought out of alimony at a budget cost. I got lucky ... and this freaks me out a bit. I joked with family and friends that I would buy her year subscriptions to Match, Hinge, and eHarmony just to help seal the terms. But she took the initiative herself. She's living with someone now. This makes me incredibly happy.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 05:42 PM
5

50+ here. Ink dried on the divorce about 18 months ago. Besides just enjoying couple-dom, I'd like to find someone to share rent, utilities, food, and other expenses. Cost of living is way too high here. I can pack the savings into retirement and travel. I flat out refuse to be someone else's piggy bank a second time. I don't see myself getting married again.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 04:39 PM
5

I'm likely in the minority here, but I think fixing in place is always preferred. I feel relationship problems are a given and that they are actually predictable and cookie cutter. If relationship issues can't be fixed with this person, why would they be fixable with someone else? Marriage is really defined here... it's all about staying together. With that said hahah. I'm divorced. My ex is crazy and blew everything up out of spite. My idealism is something of a pipe dream. Unrealistic.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 04:16 PM
2

I have a ton of trouble balancing my views of my ex in front of my kids. One of my boys is an adult, mostly self-sufficient. The other is not and lives with me full time. I am funding my kids quite heavily. Mom is not. In fact, she's spending pretty lavishly on herself with travel, expensive electronics, and a trade up in vehicles. I think it's a bit wonky. My ex hates me. She forces me to contact her via a PO Box she set up just for me. It pisses me off which is perfect in her world. Sometimes …
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 04:19 PM
1

Gubment pensions should be public. Probably 2 or 2.5% of highest salary per year of service. Might include health insurance premium offsets. You should be able to look it up. There's a calculation called present value. It's kind of a nest egg calculation. It's similar in nature to lotto payouts: one time lump sum or 20 years of monthly payment. The idea is that a lump sum will accrue interest over 20 years. So naturally a lump sum should be less money in present value. It will eventually grow to…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/24 11:25 PM
1

It's all personal preference. I'm not really into the living apart together thing. I'd frankly save the money on shared expenses and travel.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 07:40 AM
6

Time heals all. And pretty much like physical wounds, even if it doesn't heal, it scars over and becomes less painful. There were stages for me. Wild emotional swings for me. Empathy for the kids. Panic for the finances. There were a lot of ups and downs. 3 years since separation and acceptance is mostly there. I get hit with anger every once in a while. The latest ... She bought three new cars using retirement funds and equity. One went to her boyfriend. One is a Jeep (WTF). She bought it becau…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 03:33 PM
0

I'm on my third lawyer. The first was the best communicator (which isn't saying much) but not a fighter. The second one was kind of blundering, a horrible communicator, but at least willing to put up resistance. She got a good outcome in a Mr. Magoo kind of fashion. The latest is a QDRO lawyer. She just seems like she woke up on the wrong side of the bed every day. None of the three work an hour for an hour billed. Replies are usually one sentence and naive. Face to face or even phone communicat…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 03:24 PM
2

Great post. I drive by my old home every once in a while. Strangers live there now. They have reinvented it to their own liking. I can't afford to buy again. I'm probably a lifelong renter at this point unless I move outside of SoCal. But stalking my old house has been the scope of my retracing footsteps to date. Perhaps I should visit the church we married in. I'll make a point of that. I might attend mass. We went there for years and then skipped for years. And I'm going to make a point of get…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 11:13 PM
2

"Divorce over 50 is financial suicide." "Watching my wife celebrate Level 6000 on Candy Crush while sipping on a Venti Quad Shot Five-Pump Vanilla Mocha is soul sucking." Pick your poison. :) Income can be imputed for unemployed or underemployed spouses. I'd imagine the right time to do this is between the filing date and the final decree. If you wait after the decree, it seems like additional cost to drag everyone back into court. Talk to a lawyer to be sure tho. Divorce will change retirement …
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 09:30 PM
1

I've asked a few questions on AVVO https://www.avvo.com/ask-a-lawyer Terse replies. Sometimes conflicting. Often vague. Just like in-person lawyers. Also, not sure about other states, but CA publishes a lot of self-help. And finally, be cautious. Cross check all answers. But ChatGPT has passed the bar. ME: I'm divorcing. Do 401Ks always need to be processed through QDRO? Will fund management services like Fidelity allow me to split my accounts myself? ChatGPT: When it comes to dividing a 401(k) …
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 08:44 PM
3

"Not dated" resonates. Well, actually, for me, dating had a lot of pros and cons. The cons really hit hard. I had a year relationship with one girl while separated. It was a good experience in a lot of ways. We had nice weekend trips to wine country, saw wild horses, visited a few national parks. It was nice having someone to spend the holidays with. BUT... divorce. We broke up and I was clingy. It devastated me to the point that I embarrassed myself. I wrote her a song. :) Healing first is very…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 05:59 PM
1

Verify all of this with a lawyer. I am not a lawyer. I hemorrhaged a lot of money in my CA divorce. She was contentious in so much that she ignored offers and changed lawyers a lot. Cost was high. CA has a somewhat unique negotiation mechanism called a Mandatory Settlement Conference. It's used late in a contentious divorce. It's kind of a last ditch effort to get a settlement before trial. I think it has a pretty high success rate. But it's a bit of a war of attrition to get there. It's used af…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 05:12 PM
1

For me: Most important: Financial stability. I want to feel like we're in a mutual partnership. I felt my ex-wife was a third child with state sponsored leverage. She could make my life miserable if I didn't play along. I was a miserable puppet. Second most: An age and energy match. Third most: Temperament. How we both act when stressed. Small vacations are good to test the water. Distant fourth: Physical attractiveness.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 04:08 PM
2

It wouldn't be worth the fight for me. I'm not particularly religious. The ultimate goal is a working relationship in regards to kids. I'd tell her you want to work with her, that leveraging the kids is really unhealthy, that you both share the same goals of raising well adjusted kids, and that you expect future compromise in return. Tell her that you both will be learning as you go. Probably the best way to keep the peace and not set a precedence of her controlling the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 06:58 PM
3

Legally, not without cause. If she can manufacture believable cause, yes. I can't think of a reasonable strategy to protect against an unethical STBX. Maybe journal, write about daily encounters. Capture your own emotional stability. Capture any instability she might have. Cameras are often recommended in this sub. CA needs consent from both parties. Obviously talk to a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 05:01 PM
2

Is it worth the battle? Seems pretty solvable. Any worry should have a pretty easy fix. Can coordinate via app. Split the pills into two piles and do a blind drop. Use the mailbox maybe? The pills would be there all of five minutes. If having pills without a bottle is risky (I think it's illegal technically but you probably stand a 0% chance of being prosecuted.... I do it all the time on flights), keep both bottles on the next refill. Or ask for a small emergency supply and keep those bottles. …
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 04:31 PM
2

I was in this same exact place a year ago. So, don't panic. It's doable. I rented a 14' uhaul doing the $29.99 thing. It took three trips to the local landfill at $35 per trip. Two of us cleaned out a four bedroom house in a day. Loading is easier than normal, just throw it in. Unloading is actually cathartic / fun. We took turns seeing who could throw stuff the furthest into the landfill. I took the chemicals to a special area in the landfill (old motorcycle batteries, oil, paint, etc). It went…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 05:39 AM
6

Yeah, same. The frequency lessened with time. And perspective shifted. But it's still a daily or weekly thing. I could work with depression. Exercise, journaling, medication, and therapy all helped a lot. But I haven't found anything that helps with the what-ifs besides time. Dating is totally different. They either need me too much - which is a problem for me. I'm not getting back into another dependency. Or they don't need me at all. I'm finding too many self-actualized women who have changed …
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 09:32 PM
1

You're definitely in the wrong lane. And just a bit of warning. If doxxing spills out to his work, not good. The courts here go absolutely apeshit if one party threatens the career or financial well being of another party.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 08:35 PM
3

It sounds like she's trying to use you as a Jerry Springer teenage boot camp instructor. I always wondered about the long term effects of parent alienation. Is it common for a child and manipulative parent to eventually have a big fight? Does this make the kid want to switch sides? Kind of a whiplash effect? I avoided all this thankfully. Grown kids.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/24 10:02 PM
4

I had a pretty bad divorce. Suicide was on the table. I was paralyzed for a couple of years. A few things got me through it. Self-compassion. The serenity prayer. Meditation. Journaling. And exercise. So first. You should not be making these big decisions. You shouldn't be dating. I'd avoid moving. Housing is solved even if it's not ideal. Don't un-solve it. A job can be as easy as local pizza delivery. Ask your parents for free rent. My parents were absolute asshats when I was a kid. My dad use…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/24 07:24 PM
3

I'd really recommend going low drama. My term sheets were very vague. They said something like "petitioner and respondent to split half of household items." She had moved out. So I did the inventory. I took photos of each room. And I made a list of items from those photos. Everything was in email. Me: "Here is everything. <Photos, inventory> What do you want?" Her: "I want all the electronics and tools." "What day do you want to pick them up?" "Saturday." "Great. All the stuff will be in the gar…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 05:57 PM
4

JHC. With today's pervasiveness of pop psychology, this should be easy for her to understand: BOUNDARIES. You're not her wing man. Don't be shy about telling her as much.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 05:30 PM
5

I'm not particularly spiritual, but "making mistakes" and "bad things are going to happen" is woven into most religions and has been for thousands of years. Failure is not only an option, it's inevitable. We've all been there. Self-compassion is critical. Don't give up. And don't gaslight yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 07:15 PM
2

Divorce is dark and relentless. It doesn't come with a manual. And, for me anyway, I learned as I went. Mistakes are expected. They hit hard. But give it a month. She's most likely trying to detach. She's going to put your mistakes in 10 foot neon letters. It helps her. This is def not constructive, helpful, or indicative of who you are. It's her detaching. A lot of women detach with a lot of anger. But it's kind of idiotic. Who would ever expect an idyllic divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 05:29 PM
2

My FC lawyer suggested the QDRO lawyer and my ex agreed. The QDRO lawyer is mentioned by name in the settlement. So far, the QDRO lawyer seems ... kind of cold actually. By the book. I'd imagine she doesn't really care about anything other than maxing her payment and not having a dent on her record. I think she'll do a diligent job shaped by those concerns. The shadiest thing in the deal is that my lawyer threw work to another lawyer perhaps with some mutual gain. But at this point, I can give n…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 05:25 PM
2

I filed single. No other choice. My ex wouldn't cooperate on anything. She got off on the control it gave her. She's just wired that way. We hemorrhaged money at every corner because she prefers to be a puppeteer rather than plan a sound financial future. I am very happy that she's someone else's problem now.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 04:20 PM
10

Divorce is a knock down drag out fight that doesn't need to be fought. Consider a two year divorce. That's 17,000 hours. Realistically, there will be a grand total of about 80 total constructive hours. The rest is mind games. There's no reason not to say a big nope, grab a beer, and float around a swimming pool.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 04:08 PM
2

I divorced in CA and know nothing about other state rules. If you tell us the state, others might be able to help. Given the weight of the information, I'd expect every state to have some formalized process. In CA, it's all formalized. CA FL-150 - Income and Expense Declaration This happens first. Both parties file this form. It helps establish temporary alimony and other assistance like legal fees early in the process. CA FL-142 - Schedule of Assets and Debts This happens later. It's used for b…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:28 PM
2

Apologies used to be important during the marriage. Never got one. Apologies don't matter much to me after the divorce. Still never got one.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 08:20 PM
7

Stay-at-home-parent is no longer a valid profession. Dual incomes are needed just to survive in big cities. Stay at home parents are a burden in all frankness. Soul sucking*. (* There are some exceptions - being a caregiver to a disabled child is one very clear example. Military spouse is another more difficult example.) But reality takes a back seat to precedence. The courts still see stay at home parenting not only as a valid profession but as a /sacrifice/ worthy of lifetime spousal support. …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 06:09 PM
7

Sounds like a shock and awe campaign. So, just really quick on the "straight answer" issue. CA courts give about two years to hammer out an agreement before trial. Agreements can get very creative. Creative means unpredictable. It would be tough to answer a question like, "Can a judge force me to X, Y, Z?" Technically, yes, they have pretty sweeping discretion/power. Will they? Not if you can reach an agreement on your own. And in CA, both sides are motivated to reach an agreement. Trials are pr…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 09:15 PM
4

California. Filing comes with standard restraining orders. Can't change insurance (car, health, life). Can't move money. A few others.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 07:53 PM
13

I don't miss anything about my ex. She's a taker. Her absence gives more than her presence.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 04:47 PM
4

It was difficult getting things started. Once things were moving, well, honestly, they just kept getting worse for two years. But after that, once I popped out on the other side, the clouds parted, sun rained down, and choirs sang. Zero regrets.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 07:12 PM
10

My ex has a huge family. 200 of them showed up for my wedding. I know the dynamics and I know what they do. Six years before my own divorce, one of my ex's cousins was in divorce proceedings. Her husband was a pretty solid person. He was Navy. He was paying everything on time, visiting with the kids, all by the book, very proper. We had some party - I dunno, a birthday or something. And the Navy guy was not there physically. I don't even think he knew it was happening. But he was sending his stb…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 07:05 PM
5

I've never met anyone who had a super healthy family. Television and movies show it a lot... and maybe it gets programmed into the zeitgeist that it exists. But I dunno... Take the Cosby show. It kind of breaks through the fourth wall and depicts what I guess would be Cosby's idyllic family. He skips the sexual assaults of course. Seems most families, even the fictional ones, have skeletons.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 06:21 PM
7

Eh, I'll be the lone voice of dissent. My ex blocked me on everything and threatened restraining orders. We had a lot of loose ends that became really difficult to tie up.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 10:24 PM
15

I didn't do everything, just most of it. She did dishes (kind of), laundry, and managed the bills. She excused herself from everything else tho. She drew that line and reinforced it with screaming and even violence. The threat of divorce can empower women in ridiculous ways. My ex knew she had the control and was pretty outrageous with it. I think most women have a sense of ethics or at least a sense of guilt. She had neither. She made no issue of leveraging my fear of a divorce. Maybe she thoug…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 05:43 PM
1

She rattled my cage any time she could. I'll give an example. She felt communication was off the table. Divorce took two years. It's been a year since. During all that time she has spoken 50 words in front of me and 0 directly to me. All of it was at court appearances. She didn't allow any other form of communication. Topics were tax documentation, account PINs, my son's health insurance, and stuff like that. I tried to talk about these topics a few times. I got threatened with a restraining ord…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 02:57 AM
1

I may be wrong, not a tax guy. But I think the CTC and EITC are a flat credit for most. The CTC maxes out at a fairly low salary. The EITC ramps up, maxes, then ramps down to zero with modest salaries fitting under the payout curve. So basically, with low income exceptions, the government pays $2k max per kid to _someone_. Social security, just for giggles, will pay out 150% for a worker and a stay at home spouse. This always bakes my noodle.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 12:31 AM
3

DISCLAIMER. This sub is much, much, much better than most subs. Reddit moderators tend towards personal soap boxes. Given enough time, moderators feel they OWN the sub. Literally. And that shouldn't happen. Moderation should be a spam and troll filter and not much else. I'm very hopeful Reddit throws ChatGPT into the mix and reboots moderation completely. I think ChatGPT will be much more reasonable. I've had medical facts rejected by moderators before in other subs. I went back and reinforced t…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 11:24 PM
5

The best way to get over someone is to spend two years divorcing them. It's not hate, apathy, or love. It's not emotional at all. It's more like a refusal to wade into a sewage treatment plant.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 07:20 PM
1

I'm in CA. I'll describe how it went for me. There is a surprising amount of wiggle room to do whatever you want. Settling without a trial allows creativity. Results vary. So I think answers to your questions, even from a lawyer, will have a huge margin of error. Again CA. I believe assets gained before marriage are not community property. I think scenarios like "I paid her bills" is evaporated money unless you very specifically paid principle on loans. For example, if she had a mortgage before …
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 04:33 PM
13

This kind of hope is a big part of the r/BreakUps group. There are even YouTube series outlining the process of "winning them back." In a nutshell, go completely silent, work on yourself, and live life for yourself. If she comes back, she comes back. If not, you are better off for it. Don't ruminate. My personal opinion? I've got a few. Tugging on them is the worst possible thing you can do when they're pushing away. FOMO is a thing. But I think she'll find FOMO is not a WHO thing. Some people a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 03:55 PM
2

I think it's just different stages of vetting. "Admitted" means it meets court standards and the judge will likely be willing to look at it. "Identification only" means that it's being considered but can be objected to, hasn't been authenticated, is up in the air. In my experience, CA courts don't really like the he-said, she-said stuff. They also don't like accusations that don't come with a CPS report or police report. Maybe she has a lot of that kind of stuff. Ultimately this is a lawyer ques…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 04:37 PM
7

I dated while separated. Dating was unstable and spiraled easily. I was depressed, defeated, and clingy. It's debatable whether or not it helped. Dating was definitely a temporary reprieve. It got me out of a bottomless pit. It helped me see how other people who are "not my ex" lived and approached relationships. It taught me new habits and what I really needed to do to heal and level up. Eventually, I realized I need to do the work. It's an internal game. I need to address some issues, get my m…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 04:21 PM
13

My ex and I don't talk. She's a knot of seething hatred on a biblical level. It's real weeping and gnashing of teeth stuff. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 05:27 AM
7

I wonder about this all the time. I have a scrambled egg theory. You know, entropy. The more time that passes, the more money that's spent, the more the divorce settles, the more scrambled the egg. I would imagine anyone looking to unscramble it would be faced with a 10 year audit of spending and thrift. I just can't see a court doing that. I think you're safe. Plus, there are all the asstastic things that happen in divorce. My ex totaled her car but kept the payout. It was a shared asset. She a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 01:23 AM
10

Tactical things? Organize and document. Get a banker's box. Put these in it: Snapshots of all banking statements (loans, ccs, savings, checking, 401k, etc). You may want to add regular snapshots, maybe once per quarter or something. Copies of loans. Copies of all insurance policies and coverages. Copies of car titles. Copies of tax returns. Her SSN. Your kid's SSN (if one exists). Birth certificates. Document major dates. Date of separation is a very important date in some states. Make sure your…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 09:36 PM
1

Dude, you have your entire life ahead of you. Change is difficult and abrupt and never feels good. But it's better than a bad marriage. Learn lessons. Grow. And find a relationship that works.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 07:10 AM
3

I'll add to this. "I did my best" is a powerful tool too. It is a good way to sleep at night. It's another take on the serenity prayer.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 05:40 AM
4

Mediation wouldn't have worked in my divorce. She was the type to go all-in with a nine high card hand. Glad it worked for you. Congrats on making it to the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/23 05:08 PM
7

Congrats! My sock day was 80% positive. Just getting rid of all the unknowns was a blessing. I was going absolutely nuts with anxiety. 20% was negative / sad. I lost half the people I knew for decades. It's funny how solid that line is actually. And I lost the home. Overall, a great feeling. Glad you made it to the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 02:52 AM
3

Everyone I know has friends based on networking with their kids or work. That's not to say it's the only source. For some it is. But it's not a bad place to start. Start inviting coworkers to grab lunch and cultivate from there. Don't get discouraged if you're turned down. Everyone I know at work is also a bit introverted. You don't mention kids, but just in case you do have kids, people love ride sharing and stuff like that. Try to get in some circles. Become regular. Build trust. Then put your…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 02:44 AM
2

Assuming “healthy” is a thing and goal, it takes a while to get there. I started dating six months after separation. It was a welcomed distraction. It definitely made the divorce go away. It was escapism. The divorce was still there waiting for me and the gf and I had ups and downs that mirrored my divorce stress. Broke up. Started dating Girl #2. Same pattern. The breakups were hard on me. They came when I was at a low with the divorce and the girls were not willing to be supportive. They both …
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/23 10:03 PM
6

Gray rock. The gossip is interesting when it’s fresh. She’ll get a lot of takers. It’s not forever. People get tired of the same stories, broken record gossip and it becomes sad bitterness. That’s when you put the sunglasses on.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 08:17 PM
6

Um. My world has turned upside down my friend. I'm in an area with a mad crazy housing market. And it's created some really interesting dynamics. The girls in my area are generally wealthier than I am. It's VERY common to find women who own 1.5 million dollar homes. Some of them have worked hard for it. I went on a date tonight with an MD who also does research. She worked hard and earned it. (She also looked down her nose at me for the 90 minutes. There probably won't be a second date). But a l…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 02:32 AM
3

I wish I had a plain English no bullshit understanding of the process before I started. It's surprising how much a lawyer can stammer on and on without giving any answers all the while charging $350 an hour.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 05:09 AM
2

I called to ask about a charge only to get another charge.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 04:46 AM
7

This is my main issue with the US court system. The judge's choice of a bagel versus mini wheats can mess up someone's life.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 04:15 AM
7

Personal renaissance. We were married for 20+ years. We adopted each other's bad habits. I think this is a trap that many couples fall into over time. It's the path of least resistance of the lazier one. One doesn't make the bed? Neither make the bed. One doesn't want a career? Neither want a career (or worse, one resents a solo career). Once she left the picture, I said, "I can't live like this any more." All my good habits snapped back over the next year. It was awesome.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 03:39 PM
4

Eh, I doubt sex is the goal. It sounds more like revenge fucks (assuming it even goes that far). It's just manipulative. Dating sites are to marriage what the nuclear football is to foreign relations.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 06:26 PM
8

Brutal honesty, the dating site thing marks time of death for the marriage. It is so fucking unhealthy for everyone including the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 06:02 PM
3

I spent Christmas Day and New Years Day alone for the first time last year. I wouldn't recommend it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 01:02 AM
2

If you can name three of their friends, you're doing fine. Otherwise, start asking lots of questions while skipping stones.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 04:50 PM
1

I've wondered about this too. I'd be willing to crowd fund a case to the supreme court.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 11:07 PM
1

Date of separation for CA. I filed. That gave me a crystal clear worst-case-scenario date of separation that I could literally frame. Go figure. I didn't want the divorce. She did. But once she walked off with large amounts of cash, it was pretty clear I had to protect myself.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 09:07 PM
3

I was a train wreck through the divorce. Not just anger. Everything. There were only two real things that helped. The first was time. The second was realizing that negative emotions are inevitable but can be made temporary. That latter one - that negative emotions are temporary - have an entire ecosphere of psychology behind them. They go by the name of therapy, meditation, gratefulness, mindfulness, and yoga. I kept an open mind. They helped. I don't hate her. I just realize that I wasted half …
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 03:50 PM
7

My decree said something like (I'm too lazy to look up the exact verbiage) "His car is his. Her car is hers. Blah blah. Belongings in the house to be split evenly." That's kind of ambiguous and left open to interpretation right? Not a big fan of that at all. I'd rather get it done in one and never revisit. So I asked her, "Here's what's in the house. (itemized list). What do you want?" And she replied, "I want all the tools and all the electronics." "Done. It'll all be in the garage." I put it a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/23 04:52 PM
20

My lawyer said to load her stuff in the garage. Press the garage opener at 1:00 pm. Press it again at 2:00 pm. Done.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/23 04:44 PM
1

What’s bpd? Bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 07:41 PM
3

Weekends are tough. Even surrounded with friends and family, a Saturday or Sunday alone still phases me. At my age, I’ll ask a buddy to do something and 9 times out of 10 hear “Let me check with my wife.” The fifth wheel odd man out syndrome is a reality and a bummer. The Trident is a great bike. Triumph is a very solid and reliable manufacturer now. Best styling of any mfr in my opinion. If your dealership has events, definitely go. You can also find local opportunities on meetup or local track…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 07:36 PM
3

Someone did a decision tree on marriage. Beautifully simple. I don't remember it exactly but... If you're religious and the bread winner, get married. If you're not religious and the bread winner, don't get married. If you're religious and not the bread winner, get married. If you're not religious and not the bread winner, get married. But to answer your question, the financial pain of divorce is more lasting for me. The actual breakup was at most a one year thing.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 12:43 AM
1

The easiest solution is to split the shares. If a secondary market can buy pre IPO shares, a spouse can own them. Present value is a guessing game for any investment but 1000x more so for pre IPO stocks. I mean, if you KNOW you're a unicorn shareholder, that's one thing. It'd be a dirty trick to say they're worthless. Otherwise, it's such a huge gamble that I'd call the stock funny money. You'd have as much success splitting a lotto ticket's current value for next week's draw. If you still want …
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 11:25 PM
2

What are you talking about crazy person?
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 09:16 PM
4

I'm into LTRs and monogamous relationships. I haven't had a problem finding girlfriends. The hard part is keeping them. I found it hard to shake the battle ready mode I learned in my 23 year marriage. Relationships seem to blow up right at the one year mark for me. I'm 50+. I date 45 to 55. Sex is more frequent and better with dating than with my ex. Women tend to be in pretty good shape in my area. I'd say most jog, work out, and do yoga. Most 50+ women here have better bodies than the national…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 06:56 PM
8

I was more surprised at what WASN'T relevant. She only listed 50% of her salary on her declaration of income and expenses. This is a document signed under threat of perjury. She had to refresh that document three times and kept putting down fake numbers. She cleaned out the checking account. She totaled her car (marital asset) and kept the insurance check. She kept delaying. She occasionally ran out of court delays. I agreed to yet another delay after she agreed to a "you'll come to the negotiat…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 04:43 AM
7

There are advantages to staying put. "Possession is 9/10ths of the law." One big worry is sentimental stuff. Good luck getting a court order for some of it. You'll lose access to all sorts of paperwork that's in the marital home. If you move out, insist on taking the filing cabinet. (Joking, but not really) Once moved out, I think it's pretty difficult to move back in. You'll have to trust the postal service to properly forward mail. And you shouldn't trust USPS. They suck. Besides, some organiz…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 01:43 AM
2

That's pretty awful dude. I was in the same situation with my 16 yo son. My ex simply moved on... from everything. She completely checked out of parenting. She had better things to do with her life than her kids. (She never said as much, but her actions do.) She does a lot of "We should do lunch one of these day" invites. I hear that and cringe. But I can't say anything to her. She's extremely contentious. I try not to deal with her. I tried once. I felt I had to step in. I sent an email that sa…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/23 03:33 AM
2

Yeah, lawyer up. You'll need it for alimony. How old is your wife? She's eligible to retire at 65. That will end alimony. The courts can impute a salary for you. It may be nothing. It may be minimum wage. It may be based on previous earnings. And this is where you'd need a lawyer. It's probably the biggest wild card in the divorce. Generally, alimony is 40% her salary minus your expected salary. If they impute min wage for you and she makes $250k all included (base, bonus, RSUs) you'll be lucky …
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/23 03:51 AM
4

Yeah... this is really good advice. I wigged out daily over everything: alimony, retirement, home sale, ... everything. I couldn't escape it either. My dad was a big help. He told me I'd have plenty of time to figure out the big stuff. Park it for now. Focus on work, where you're going to live, my kids, etc. In other words, day by day.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/23 02:00 AM
3

Yeah, all of these are good suggestions. I lost weight (controlled, diet plan). Decluttered with two large donations and three 14' uhaul trips to the dump. Exercised. Got my weight back to high school standard. Therapy. Meditation, mindfulness, Calm. Picked up a guitar for the first time in 20 years. Dated and kept it shallow. When none of that worked, I did gummies. Legalized state.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/23 01:54 AM
1

CA here. State licensed psychiatrists prescribe medication and usually don't do therapy. They have an MD and are very highly trained, more so that a general practitioner MD. Therapy is beneath them. :) They see patients a little less frequently. For me, once every three months. Licensed social workers (LCSW) do therapy but can't prescribe medication. They're not so highly trained and vary in technique. They see patients frequently. For me, once a week. So usually it's two people. I've done thera…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 10:06 PM
2

Divorce by paralegal is the best possible way in my humble opinion. It needs 100% cooperation. Husband and wife state the terms. The paralegal makes sure the agreement won't get rejected by a judge and all the forms are correct. Cheap and somewhat professional. $2-5k. I'd try to talk your ex down to a shared paralegal. Lawyers will bait each other and drive up the costs. Average divorce in my area is $23k. It'd be a really bad sign if she didn't want to step down to a paralegal.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 09:49 PM
1

My wife totaled her car after separation. I'm in CA, a community property state. Half of the insurance check was legally mine. But she took the entire check and used it for a deposit on a new car. It would have cost more to litigate than it was worth.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 09:41 PM
21

I knew a girl who divorced from a wealthy family. The house was in a trust. The family wealth was in a trust. His entire family's money worked for them, they did not work for money. So he could legitimately claim his income was $0. She got nothing even after 10 years marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 09:17 PM
2

You don't need a budget for a TRO. It's just some paperwork. Document everything from emails to one finger salutes. Fill in the paperwork. When it's time to convert it to a permanent RO, be humble in front of the judge. Stick to the facts. Be cordial towards your ex. Be polite. Zero passive aggressiveness. No drama. In my area, pulling employers into the drama is a cardinal sin. So if your ex is messing with your new partner through work, courts here would go ballistic. Definitely document the e…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 09:27 PM
2

Same. My wife made a new set of friends that mostly bonded in bars. Their hive mind made decisions vicariously that went full drama and zero common sense. There was nothing more appealing than a vicarious soap opera that went full tilt with no repercussions. Well, no repercussions for THEM. Plenty of repercussions for me and my now ex-wife.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 09:14 PM
3

My ex tried to pull this too. I said okay at first. I saw no harm in it. Then she said she had arranged for a police escort, rejected all of my offered times, and gave a ridiculous in the middle of the day time she'd be there. "Um. No you won't." After a call to my lawyer, all her stuff ended up in the garage and that was the closest she got to stepping foot into the home. I opened the door on Saturday at 1:00 pm and closed it at 2:00 pm. As much as it pains me to say, being nice is seen as a we…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 08:43 PM
22

I thought monogamous was the standard. But WTF do I know. I'm just getting started again after a 23 year marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 06:39 PM
3

Definitely seek professional help. Divorce is insane. The pain you're feeling is a catalyst. It's an invitation to grow. Listen to what your mind and body are telling you. "Rebuild yourself."
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 05:06 PM
3

... but I do regret how unstable I was without knowing it. Yeah, same exact thing. I dated a year after separation. I thought I was whole. We had a lot of good times. But what you said rings true. Divorce baggage melted in. In fairness, the girlfriend had some pretty solid issues too. "Fill your own cup first." It's been a lot of work for me. A lot of therapy. Kind of rebuilding, letting go, learning lessons. Hoping to grow to the point that I can have that secure-secure relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 11:41 PM
5

Swipe left if ... She's separated. Her profile is 100% travel pics. Her profile is 100% girls' night out pics. Cut her loose after the first date if ... There is any hint of trauma dumping. Her ex (or yours) comes up other than incidentally. Saying "divorced" should explain it all. The details are cliche. And god forbid, if there is trauma dumping, ex bashing, and tears.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 07:34 PM
3

https://imgur.com/HNJFgbC
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 03:53 AM
2

You're overthinking it. I know this because I'm there with you most days. Um. At some point, I guess we start dating in a transactional mode. Considerations like savings, home ownership, and retirement kick everything up. It's hard to live and prosper on a single income these days. But I think the cost of divorce is also obvious. The best advice I can give you is the same that I'm trying to follow. Stop overthinking. Let it happen organically.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 03:30 AM
4

Gym. Musical instrument. Both are good for mindless repetition. Meetups.com is good for finding people with similar interests. You'll find a lot of people who like hiking, camping, whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 09:07 PM
5

Same kind of thing. She moved out and established residency elsewhere. The judge gave her a chance to claim half of our stuff. We both assumed she would go through the house picking stuff along the way. Fine. But then she upped the game. She wanted to bring a cop friend to escort her. I passed this by my lawyer and got a "Nope! You don't have to consent to her entering the home. Ask her what she wants. Put it in the garage and tell her you'll open it for two hours."
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 04:27 PM
1

Lots of good advice here. My divorce took two years with crazy dips and twists slamming me between getting by and freaking out. I dated during separation and after. I wasn't able to maintain a healthy relationship. That was traumatic in its own right. Almost a year after the divorce finalized, I've given up on dating (for a bit anyway) and settled into enjoying life. Living alone terrifies me and I'm trying to figure out why that is. I'm in therapy. It's 100% remote. Dunno if you can do the same…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/23 02:34 AM
1

There's another major factor. It could be that the idea of alimony runs its course in our lifetimes. That it shifts towards limited duration "get back on your feet" mode or is eliminated completely. Odds are probably very low but you never know. Crystal ball factors. My divorce was a war of attrition. I am glad I bought her out. It would have been a monthly game of "stick it to him" and now it's ... nothing. Your idea makes sense to me. But it's most definitely worth going to a good financial ad…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 03:28 PM
1

Wait wut? It's not difficult. It's the same concept as the lottery or employer defined benefit pensions. With the lottery, the winner gets to pick a lump some of cash or monthly installations. These are apples to oranges but both have a bottom line eventually. Usually the lump sum is the less money of the two but depends on a lot of guess work. An accountant and a present value calculation can help with the guess work. How much do you think I lost? $100,000? $500,000? A few million?
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/23 09:16 PM
1

No it's not. It's per state for starters. I'm familiar with CA but not any other state. CA has some laws baked into the books, notably 4320 given rise to what lawyers typically call "4320 factors." These go a long ways to defining the calculators you find on the intertubes. And alimony is a norm. It's the equivalent of opt-out. Alimony is negotiable before hitting a judge. If it goes to trial, 40% is roughly the magic number. OP really needs to talk to a lawyer though.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/23 09:10 PM
1

A Navy friend of mine told me his ex-wife did this. She sent chunks of money to the Philippines. The judge didn't try to even account for it. Once he was satisfied that she took the money, he denied her alimony. Anecdotal. But hiding cash totally changed the outcome in this case.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/23 08:23 PM
1

So there was a lot of talk of "under earning" in my divorce. My lawyer said I could go a route of proving my ex had far more earning potential that was being not being leveraged purposefully (aka, she's being lazy). I was told it's expensive and risky but is successful sometimes. I didn't have to put it to the test. We settled on acceptable terms. I take it you're in IT? You're right. Ageism is a thing. And my lawyer told me the same strategy of purposefully under earning could be used in revers…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/23 08:19 PM
1

I found romantic relationships to be double edge swords. My post-divorce relationships tempered a lot of the negative emotions from the divorce. But they caused a lot of new negative emotions in their own right. Worst, these new negative emotions followed the most jarring traumatizing event of my life. I can't really give a good suggestion on dating. Different things work for different people. Everyone is different. But your gut instincts seem to be 100% on target. Honesty is a good policy. And …
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/23 05:45 PM
2

Amen brother.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/23 05:04 PM
1

Know your finances. 401ks. Salaries. Life insurance. Stocks. Any defined contribution pension/defined benefits plans. Planned retirement age. Social security contributions. Probably a really good idea to talk to a financial advisor in addition to the lawyer. It's easy to bite off more than you can chew. Realize that some consider divorce past 50 financial suicide. It can easily push retirement a half decade or more.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 06:45 PM
1

The advice here is brutal but solid. My ex wife got to the cash first. This was after papers were served. In CA, petitioning is supposed to freeze everything and prevent these games. She got about 10k anyway. It didn't even make a blip on the divorce negotiations or come up in court. It'd cost money to litigate. Moving assets is shady in my opinion. But at the end of the day, cash bank accounts are small fries, possession is 9/10ths of the law, and the ROs are a joke. Anecdotal, but the odds of …
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 06:30 PM
15

How do you argue that you're not gaslighting?
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 06:43 AM
1

Meditation helped me. Mindfulness specifically. Two early principles: "You're bigger than your thoughts" and "You can pop out of your thoughts and be an observer." People love using metaphors to describe this. One is a freeway. You can drive a tour bus and feel bound to worrying about traffic. Or you can sit on a porch with a view of the freeway, set up a lawn chair and watch. All the traffic are your thoughts. Ultimately, the idea is to let the thoughts happen, acknowledge them, pop out of them…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 04:26 PM
2

I'm not a lawyer. I am not a financial planner. You will want to discuss this with an actual lawyer and financial planner: There's a QDRO process that governs all this. Pensions are very difficult to split evenly. There's a present value calculation that has variables that are difficult to predict over the next N years (lifespan, federal interest rates, retirement age, return rates). Right now, the actual worth of your wife's pension is probably pretty measly depending on her present age and exp…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 04:12 PM
5

Ah, I don't care about that. But I do know this as a fact: Someday she'll get tired of her own shit. I was her cleanup crew. Car accidents (avg one per year). Bounced payments at Starbucks. A candy crush bill (serious here). She bought a new car without saying a word and she didn't even check the cost of insuring it. Life is easier without her. I'd imagine life is more difficult without me. She forced the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 03:54 PM
3

I went from 1% progress to 100% progress in about four hours. CA's mandatory settlement conference got us there. I guess you could call it mediation. The prior 18 months were games of filing bad paperwork, changing lawyers, delaying court hearings. She wanted the divorce. Adamant. Yet she dragged it out. The MSC/mediation was an incredible ride. I went in hopeless and it changed everything. Two days earlier, in probably the worst depression I have ever felt in my life, I told my lawyer I NEED to…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 03:43 PM
3

Take this with a grain of salt. Just passing on what I was told. And like always, this stuff varies by state. My lawyer painted a dismal picture. If I got fired, I'd have to "pay first, adjust later." I would need N months of savings to cover alimony until I could schedule a court hearing N months from then to adjust alimony. My lawyer also told me that early retirement may not be an option. So my retirement age, be it in my 50's, 62, 65, or 67 might not be my decision. This is mind boggling to …
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/23 02:54 AM
17

My social life was dominated by my ex's big family. And, like every other divorce in that family, they ghosted me. So my social life went from too busy to nothing. Here's what I did. meetup.com I started with interest-based groups. They're low pressure. You don't have to socialize. But you can. And it's at your own pace. For me this was a guitar jam group, a Python user group (work/tech), and a single's group that is actually kind of land-of-the-dead but a good way to find music venues. Volo Spo…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/23 12:02 AM
2

Keep copies of all the past W2s, tax returns, and anything else that shows her work history and her potential salary. Under-employment is a common strategy (I'll quit my job!) and most courts have ways to deal with it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 09:27 PM
1

Standard disclaimer: Talk to a lawyer to make sure. She likely has no basis to force you out. There might be some edge cases with abuse and restraining orders. Stupid games can still be played. A friend of mine's STBXW changed the exterior locks. He called the cops which is the correct next step. They let him back in. Then she claimed the master bedroom and laundry room for herself and installed a dead bolt on many interior doors. Sigh. Hopefully you divorce doesn't go this route. The house like…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 09:15 PM
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