So... how long does the seething hatred last?

iamnotyoutoday · 2023-08-22T01:35:49+00:00

in my case there is no "hatchet burying". we can be friends but i do not want to. it feels like i have a relationship of love with the kids and pure loathing for stbxw for how she broke up my life. ymmw.

Reflog1791 · 2023-08-21T23:00:52+00:00

I realized that it was in my self interest to forgive. I didn’t say I forgive you and it had nothing to do with her.

Basically, making the best of my life involved letting it go. It took a few years.

The reward is that my ex and I show flexibility with scheduling and plans. That makes my life easier and better.

We are not friends, but we don’t cause any additional problems to spite one another.

Basically, bare bones communication and gray rock method forever. I don’t hate her anymore. I don’t want to hang out or bang her. It’s indifference with a side of “what’s in it for me” that guides my interactions.

A few years later we don’t do anything to actively piss each other off. That’s a win in my book.

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-08-22T02:22:13+00:00

Being friends is yet another female fantasy. The seething hatred turns to apathy for guys. That’s it.

Now, the issue to navigate is kids. This means that you need to be cordial and amicable in co-parenting.

Divorce relieves you of any husband obligations. Period.

ProcedureAltruistic3 · 2023-08-22T00:32:49+00:00

My ex told me she wanted us to be friends and do things together after the divorce and still be a family and that we didn't have to let this ruin our time together. I told her she was out of her goddamn mind if she thought that I was going to be friends with her after she rejected me. I'm sorry but I don't see how people do it. I did not want this divorce and the only thing I still want in life is for my family back and there's no way I'm going to be friends with the person who drove that state through my heart. I told her that if she wanted to act like a family then we needed to be a family and if we weren't going to be a family we weren't going to play pretend. She can't have her cake and bang another guy too

TheBoyBand · 2023-08-21T22:25:03+00:00

Every case is different. It depends a lot on how they leave. My hatred is deep rooted where I don’t want anything to have to do with her everrrr again! and im talking weddings, grandchildren time sharing, separate birthdays etc is at play and im happy to know I can give myself that peace.

Edit: I control the hate so it doesn’t consume me and I thrive, but the hate is readily available to dish out and make her miserable and accountable for her choices!

upvotersfortruth · 2023-08-22T01:06:16+00:00

I had a client whose wife kidnapped their kid from Asia to Europe, violated the court's Hague order of return, went on the lam for 18 months and tried to traffic the kid across a water border to get them a new passport and new life. All in all, it was two years where he had no idea where his kid was and a four year ordeal, costing well over 300k USD in legal fees with lawyers in five or six countries.

Now they're on great terms and he freely sends the kid to spend time with her in another country.

I have other clients who broke up over lesser issues who are like two dogs who have drawn blood and can't catch sight of one another.

But one thing is for sure, the seething rage ebbs and flows, eventually modulating and then receding. Once in a while a rogue rage wave will crash upon your shores, even long into the future. We can only control one side of the equation and the sooner we do, the better it is for ourselves.

jkw118 · 2023-08-22T01:05:22+00:00

So it all depends on both of you, and what happened. Im a fairly intellectual guy, at a few dozen points i had to set aside my feelings.. to deal with the situations, from the divorce and just being around my ex.. If im around my ex more then 2 to hours i feel physically off and then ill. Its less about hatred and more more from the trauma and manipulation she did to both me and the kids.. i mean our kids basically have ptsd from her.
So part of it is anger at myself for not seeing it, and part of its when i did see it. Not being able to legally protect myself and the kids from her.

She has some medical/mental issues, the courts see that as an excuse.. and require them to still visit her. They still get emotionally badgered by her. If they dont go, i get in trouble with court and can loose the 85% custody ( and the courts explicitly said this). If this was reverse, id be in jail.. Any case theirs only so mad i can be about it.. and my ex is constantly sending them back home. As i have essentially kept the peace. Been the more level headed even compared to her parents, and gotten majorly screwed.. Yes i have anger that will never go away. And we will never be friends very much against what she wants now. But for my kids, i deal with her.. i helped my son mow her lawn.. I deal.with her for my kids sake.. but once their 16 it will.most likely stop interacting with her at all. Oldest just turned 18, and has cut off all.connections to her and blocked her #.. the other two want to but their 11 and 13...

lyricbaritone2 · 2023-08-22T01:38:55+00:00

I told my ex I could never be her friend. We were in it way to deep. So it's either all in or all out. And she's choosing all out. Good.

Basic_Advance7627 · 2023-08-22T00:45:54+00:00

Mine actively alienated my children from me after I discovered her affair and she left for her AP. So I don’t even have the chance to see my kids much. And I certainly don’t want to see her. Ever.

Embarrassed-Court-59 · 2023-08-22T01:02:15+00:00

I think the friendship thing is either a bullshit social media image management thing--definitely if it's someone on the disordered spectrum.

I don't hate mine anymore 1.5 years from finalizing and 3.5 from separating. But I look at her actions...cheater, tried to steal my kids, and 60k in legal fees, and I know she is a dangerous person that's just not worth my energy. Grey rock 100% when I have to interact, and otherwise, I'm focused on my kids and myself.

Rollercoaster72 · 2023-08-22T05:06:49+00:00

My stbxw said she can imagine being friends with me like she is with [name][name] (all ex lovers from her early 20's). It was a humilation to me to be called in this list of man who never even made her come and all are boring as hell. And even mean to her. Who only get a birthday wish message every year.

I said we can be civil if we need to communicate about our children but I just can't lie to myself and pretend it was all just nothing. I do not see any reason for us to communicate about our kids because they are old enough and this can all be done by email. We were lovers, and that we are or aren't.

To be able to get over it I do not want to communicate with you anymore and I do hope you respect that. (She should be honoured by that cause it all meant way more then just friendship)

After that point, like many said here before, she started to get loud, more angry and unfriendly and showed her real face.

There is a couple we know who are friends together and who do go on a holiday together. The guy is always broke so we presume he hasn't even the option to go on a holiday alone with his kids. But they also had a sexless end of their marriage, like 4 years of no sex before they broke off. In that case I presume they were already doing this "let's be friends" thing and they still do. They even say we are best friends...

Besides the fact that we (me and other friends) think it's quit unhealthy to rely on your ex financially, this might be the only reasonable way to really become friends. If there is infidelity or you just finished your last fuck with her before you hear the seperation/divorce speech, friendship just isn't an option.

Heddlo · 2023-08-22T06:32:25+00:00

I've been divorced 6 years. I TRY and be civil with my ex for the sake of the kids, she's a cunt more often than not. Funnily enough, she ended to be with someone else, they didn't last but I'm engaged to someone else and have another baby. So maybe she's just jealous. Maybe she isn't. But she needs to be a bit more civil with me.

SecretDoctor8121 · 2023-08-22T07:26:00+00:00

Don't know....my ex tried to pulled the let's be friends after me being made homeless,took my house I paid and draining my acc. Every month for the next 16 yrs.

My answer was to her. "Burn in hell B@#%h"

We divorced 3 years ago....still hoping she die painfully as possible

potatotornado44 · 2023-08-22T12:00:29+00:00

I don’t hate my ex, but I’m completely indifferent.

She had the whole “let’s be friends” idea and I shot that down really fast.

I have no need for her to be in my life, other than dealing with her as the biological mother of my children. That’s it.

DatabaseSpace · 2023-08-22T14:01:44+00:00

I kind of look at her similar to how I would view someone that broke into my house and stole $90,000 in cash and various other things. Will I ever like a person again that did that? Probably not.

greatinven2161 · 2023-08-22T23:09:33+00:00

I loathed my cheating, lying ex. I worshipped the ground she should be under. Those sentiments stayed the same until she was underground. My anger and loathing were not about her lies, cheating, or deception it was how she destroyed my boys emotionally with her lies.

No-Exit6560 · 2023-08-22T03:38:23+00:00

As long as you want it to. 🤷🏻‍♂️

If you’ve got kids it’s in everyone’s best interest if you can just be ‘civil’, however the best thing is to go out and live an incredibly fulfilling life.

Least that’s what I’m doing 😂

Bazz27 · 2023-08-22T05:14:59+00:00

No time to waste on hate.

BumblebeePersonal847 · 2023-08-22T07:08:59+00:00

Starts with your own heart.

AudreyTooTwo · 2023-08-22T17:58:48+00:00

I think it depends on how much damage she caused, and how much damage continues to be caused.

If you were married for, let's say for example, four years, and you divorce with no kids, I suspect after the dust settles, you could be civil with each other. And "dust settles" means having to pay her some money, but not life-changing money, maybe a few thousand. (And BTW, I've seen men on this sub complain they have to pay their ex $2k; meanwhile some pay $2k per month!)

As for me, I'll choke that bitch if I ever see her again.

ww3historian · 2023-08-22T15:41:35+00:00

Hate is a path to the dark side

ThunderFan462 · 2023-08-22T16:23:19+00:00

My ex mother in law and I are still relatively close. I would even consider her a friend. Her daughter and I’s divorce finalized this month. She asked me when she thinks her daughter and I can start being friendly to one another again. I laughed and said that’s going to be awhile.

Her daughter ruined us all financially. Broke my kids family up before they even had a shot at knowing what it’s like to have one. All to go fuck some dipshit who ended up dumping her ass anyways from what I can tell. As far as I’m concerned that bitch can burn in hell for eternity. I can forgive what she did to me, eventually. But I can’t forgive what she did to our kids. That is unforgivable.

Title	So... how long does the seething hatred last?
Author	Fwooply
Upvotes	13
Comments	44
Date	August 21, 2023 9:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15xlenr/so_how_long_does_the_seething_hatred_last/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/so-how-long-does-the-seething-hatred-last.1229196 https://theredarchive.com/post/1229196

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