TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

CaliDude75 Archive

View 28 posts and 566 comments by CaliDude75 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
Search in:
In subreddits:
More
Filter by year/month:
Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
38

Success StoriesCaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 07:20 AM
28

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 02:34 PM
27

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 01:53 AM
26

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men27/02/22 04:46 AM
21

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men26/09/22 01:22 PM
20

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:05 PM
19

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 01:15 AM
15

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:53 AM
14

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 06:01 PM
13

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men23/02/22 07:17 AM
12

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men25/02/22 11:04 PM
11

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men20/02/22 06:50 AM
10

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 11:12 PM
9

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 07:37 PM
9

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 05:14 AM
9

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men01/03/22 08:20 PM
8

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:46 PM
8

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 03:47 AM
7

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 10:17 PM
7

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 07:24 PM
6

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men05/03/22 05:56 PM
6

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men18/11/23 11:16 PM
5

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 05:43 AM
5

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men23/02/22 06:34 AM
4

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 07:22 PM
2

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 05:29 AM
2

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 04:48 AM
1

CaliDude75/r/Divorce_Men04/06/22 01:09 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

I moved out before the divorce was finalized, but I intended on giving her the house in exchange for retaining all of my investments. If you know she’s going to be contentious, I wouldn’t even bother with mediation. I retained an attorney, and never had to make a court appearance. We ultimately settled.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 10:27 PM
2

At the time about $650,000. Now around $1 million. Between brokerage, IRA and 401(k). Cash settlement was $25k. It was lopsided in her favor, arguably, and even my attorney thought I was being too generous, but I wanted a clean break, and not get tied up in court and endless counters. Kids complicates the situation exponentially. All I’d say is be fair but firm. I would advise getting an attorney. Well worth it in the long run, IMHO.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 09:15 PM
7

I divorced after 16 years. No kids. I gave her the house (worth around $1 million at the time) in exchange for keeping my investments intact, and a modest cash settlement. It was approved by a judge. I’m in California.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 03:19 PM
1

100%. Neither my mom or dad liked my ex. Should have paid attention.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 12:06 AM
8

I think maybe you should have a heart-to-heart with your ex, and remind her that she asked for it. Tell her you’re sorry for what she’s going through, but it’s not your job to console her anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 02:08 PM
2

Just making an effort. Going to Meetup groups, going to church, introducing myself to my neighbor. I moved out-of-area, so kind of had to start over, but stayed in touch with a lot of my friends from the area I moved from.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 09:35 PM
1

The manipulation and gaslighting will probably not improve. You have to be resolute. If/when you go to an attorney, be prepared with financial info, etc. and with clear objectives of what you want to accomplish. I left the door cracked open for reconciliation, but she never really followed up, because I think she knew it would involve her taking some responsibility for the marriage failing, which she couldn’t bring herself to do. Once you’ve decided, don’t let her talk you out of it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 02:17 PM
2

This. ☝🏼 Also read Rational Male, but found it a little misogynistic. No More Mr. Nice Guy is more about establishing boundaries and respecting yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 02:54 PM
1

I regret going on a second date with her after she insulted my hairline. 😜 That should have been a sign right there. But she was relatively cute and I guess I was kind of desperate. Also had other women interested in me I was clueless about. What’s done is done. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 04:01 PM
4

I offered the olive branch, and left the door cracked open for a little while. But I think her pride kept her from pursuing it further, because she didn’t want to admit any fault. After radio silence on her part, I assumed she wasn’t interested in reconciling, and I moved on.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/25 05:45 PM
2

You’ll find someone else. Had a few of these experiences post-divorce. I broke it off with one of them when it was clear she was only looking for a sugar daddy.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 12:22 AM
2

My experience was similar. I was expecting fireworks and accusations, but her reaction was silent tears, and her saying “I hope this is what you want” as she drove away.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 03:00 PM
6

I know there are a lot of “never again” guys here. I have a little different take. The first time around, I didn’t have a lot of confidence regarding women, and kind of had a dose of FOMO. My ex seemed cute and nice enough, but hindsight 20/20, the warning signs were there from the start. She was very self-centered and entitled. She had a hair-trigger temper (didn’t discover that until later). It seemed like I was constantly serving her, and it was rarely reciprocated. Her “thank yous” always se…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 02:17 PM
3

Pretty much the state mandated minimum. 6 months. No kids in my case, and avoided discovery. I just cut to the chase with my negotiations.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 02:57 PM
2

Where are you located? I can recommend an excellent attorney in Orange County.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 05:11 PM
2

My parents subtly encouraged me to get a divorce. They didn’t like my ex almost from day one. Half my extended family is divorced. I think most of the pressure to stick it out was in my own head.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 12:48 PM
2

16 years, no kids. I’d been wanting to do it for a while. I just calmly sat her down and said I wanted a divorce. We were staying in a gigantic rental house at the time (Our water heater leaked and flooded the bottom floor of our house). I offered to move to the furthest bedroom from her in the house, but she packed up what she had in the rental house, and left for her parents. From there, I contacted an attorney referred by a friend. There was a little back & forth, but I avoided discovery. I w…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 06:01 AM
3

We’ve been legally fully divorced for more than 18 months. I left her a window to reconcile, but she didn’t really respond meaningfully, so I’ve moved on.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 04:45 PM
3

We’ve been separated for more than two years. Basically since the sit-down, we haven’t lived under the same roof. We still sporadically text when she gets mail for me, and we’re civil, but I don’t think she holds any illusions we’re getting back together.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 03:13 PM
4

No kids, but verbally saying “I don’t love you anymore” is just rubbing salt in the wound. I was the petitioner in my case. When I had my sit-down with her, I just simply said “I think we’re just looking for different things.” In her ears, it might have sounded like “I don’t love you anymore,” but I tried to let her down as gently as I could.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 01:54 PM
28

This goes for both men and women. I think people have just generally gotten more narcissistic and self-absorbed, and less willing to be sacrificial. This starts a vicious cycle of blame and contempt, and can ultimately kill a relationship. I think that’s what happened in my case. I probably could have communicated better, but a lot of the time, my communication was met with sarcasm or judgment, and after a while, I just quit sharing.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 08:04 PM
2

I’m almost 3 years out from my divorce. I had a lot of one-time dates, a few hookups, and one medium-term FWB situation. It wasn’t until about a year ago I met someone I really liked and vibed with. All I would say is don’t rush it. Obviously, take the opportunity to meet people, go on dates, etc. But be sure they’re not just looking for a sugar daddy or conditional relationship. I have to have some level of reciprocity and respect for it to be worth it to me. Once you’ve gotten to a certain lev…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 11:21 PM
4

Stop being desperate and simpy. And don’t freak out if you don’t have a date every night. I had a series of dates and short-term relationships until I met my current GF, who I’ve been with 9 months. Self-improvement is never a bad thing, but do it for yourself, not for anyone else. And absolutely don’t tolerate disrespect, lying or being taken for granted.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/25 03:13 PM
4

Do you have a lawyer? I have an excellent one I can recommend in South Orange County if that’s not too far for you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 12:57 PM
1

I believe in terms of certification, it’s at the state level.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 02:40 PM
4

I found it a lot healthier than The Rational Male, which I found a little toxic and misogynistic.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:59 PM
8

The equity we had in the house was roughly equivalent to my retirement savings and investments, so it just seemed like a cleaner break to give her the house and keep my investments than have to go through discovery and dividing everything up 50/50. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 05:15 PM
6

I’ve met up with her afterward a few times. She definitely seemed more self-sufficient and “womaned up” probably more out of necessity than desire. But I also noticed she let a lot of the outdoor stuff around the house go to sh!t. I was maybe a little OCD about covering up patio furniture, etc. But I can tell she’s kind of IDGAF about it. Whatever…It’s her house now. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 05:07 PM
14

16 years. For me, it was a slow death by a thousand cuts. There was very little intimacy, and a lot of expectation and entitlement. I finally got to the point where I was just emotionally running on empty. I take some responsibility for not initiating intimacy more of the time, but I constantly felt judged and criticized, which obviously didn’t help in “setting the mood.” Honestly felt relief more than anything when I told her I was done.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 09:49 PM
7

I know a lot of guys in this subreddit are in the “never again” camp, but I’m not. But my first marriage and divorce taught me to look for things this time around. Namely, respect, empathy, dealing with adversity calmly, and good listening skills. Still undecided whether or not I’ll do a prenup, but leaning toward it. I’ve met someone I really like, who I feel “gets” me, and I can be myself around. Going on a week-long trip with her in a few weeks. I think the trip will determine if we’re truly …
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 04:22 PM
2

We live 400 miles apart now, so even if she did, I wouldn’t know. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Honestly, I wouldn’t care if I did. I want her to be happy, and hope she finds someone. We’re still on civil terms.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 03:34 AM
-3

I have visited my ex several times since my divorce. There was no infidelity on either side, and I honestly have no ill will toward her. Bottom line is we were looking for different things in a relationship than we could give each other. I have had people say things about my ex, but not outright savage her. If they did, I would probably defend her a little and say, “She’s not a bad person, we just weren’t right for each other.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 10:15 PM
4

Just have clear goals and succinct, to-the-point communications. Lawyers aren’t your friend or therapist ($$$🕐). They’re there to do a job.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:50 AM
9

Good question. Wasn’t that old when I got married. Very little intimacy or affection. Take what you will from that. I should have bailed years ago, or better yet, not married her in the first place. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Like the saying goes, hindsight 20/20.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 05:24 PM
10

48M. I did. Basically felt I was being treated like a house servant and taken for granted. 16 years, no kids.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 04:06 PM
-2

Before I petitioned, I struggled with the decision a lot. But I don’t think it’s God’s will for us to be stuck in a situation with no prospect of improvement, which is where I felt I was. I remain in periodic communication with my ex, and she told me the divorce “Isn’t what she wanted” but neither did I see her particularly wanting to fight to save it. I basically feel in the last few years, I was relegated to the role of house servant. It seemed that any expression of gratitude was forced. She …
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/24 07:56 PM
13

All over the map. Met some narcissists, psychos, opportunists, etc. Dating someone now who is very sweet and non-judgmental. I know nobody’s perfect, but she’s the best one yet.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 12:23 AM
5

I went to mine prepared with financial statements, and clear goals I wanted to achieve. Maybe do some preliminary online research about tribal income, and if there are any special conditions or protections around it. If it’s just considered regular income, then I’d fight to keep as much of your own as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 01:55 AM
3

I would get an attorney. I don’t know what all the laws are regarding tribal revenue. Seems like she’ll be set regardless.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 01:06 AM
1

Nope. I was as transparent as I could be, and she ended up backing down. I think my settlement to her was more than fair.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/24 09:22 PM
3

I never did face-to-face mediation with my ex, bust first and foremost, keep your cool. Even if she flies off the handle and starts accusing you of being Satan incarnate, just play it cool, take notes, and be as pragmatic and reasonable as possible. Don’t get hung up on small things. If she wants the Insta-Pot, give it to her. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 02:03 AM
1

I can recommend an excellent attorney in Orange County. I know that’s a ways from Ventura. PM me if interested.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 05:16 AM
3

Honestly, I’d sit them down and call them out. Their choice is either reconcile and be faithful, or divorce, and give up on the charade. I’d be loving but firm. Don’t let them obfuscate or deny. If you’re willing, maybe suggest group counseling as a family. Hope things work out for the best for you regardless.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/24 05:13 PM
2

I kept a close eye on all my accounts during the separation and divorce process. Honestly, I don’t know if my ex would have been smart enough to know what to do, even if she did have devious intentions (which I don’t think she did.) If you suspect monkey business, I’d report it to your attorney (if you have one).
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/24 04:28 PM
10

Dang. I’ve been with four women in TWO YEARS, and it’s not for lack of trying! 😜 Up to you. I briefly considered reconciliation after we separated (I was the petitioner), but it wasn’t going to be without conditions. I got the sense that was a non-starter for her, and she just expected for things to settle back to the way they were and it was going to be a “happily ever after” again. She never seemed especially contrite or willing to admit some of her actions and behaviors contributed to the dec…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 01:36 PM
3

I spent a total of probably about $6,500 on legal fees. I possibly could have even avoided that, but my ex had already lawyered up, and I didn't want to take my chances. I'm satisfied with the representation I had, and didn't have to go to court. I presented a "best and final" offer that was accepted by my ex and the courts.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 06:42 PM
1

It was an easy decision for me. We were going to a very conservative fundamentalist church. We originally started going because of their couples’ ministry. Once things were kind of on the rocks, I quit going there, but she kept going. She weaponized them against me, and being the fundies that they were, of course they had to come around and stick their nose in our personal business. I kindly told them to mind their own business. I said they’d only heard half the story (from her) and that the tim…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 01:21 PM
3

There’s a difference between being “friends” and “friendly.” I want to remain on cordial terms with my ex, but have no desire to continue to have a regular, close relationship. There’s a reason I asked for a divorce. No kids in my case, so no real reason/necessity to have an especially close relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/24 04:17 PM
1

Hard to say without some context. I wasn’t sure how my ex would react, since she had a tendency to have a volatile temper. She initially took it more calmly than what I expected, but her parting words as she left the house with her personal belongings packed up was “I hope this is what you want.” She couldn’t even look me in the eyes for the next several weeks, and without her dad present, but we got to the point where we could see each other and it not be super-awkward. I prefaced my “D-bomb” c…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 07:45 PM
6

I just opened a new account and redirected my direct deposit to that. 🤷🏻‍♂️ There was some transfer back & forth to even things out, but thankfully my ex didn’t get really sneaky and vengeful.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 08:05 PM
5

Interesting. After I announced our split, I had a lot of people say they “weren’t surprised” or “saw it coming.” Hindsight 20/20, the signs were pretty clear, but I chose to stick my head in the sand and “fight the good fight.” It took me weeks to work up the courage to finally tell her. I don’t think she was so much surprised, but angry that her personal house servant would be leaving, and she’d have to put her big girl pants on and actually start taking care of stuff herself.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 08:50 PM
6

If she’s retained counsel, you don’t have any other choice than to get a lawyer unless you work in family law yourself and willing to represent yourself. My best advice would be to go in with clear goals and objectives, and as complete of income and financial statements as possible. Try to avoid discovery if possible. It’s a very tedious and expensive process. I presented my “best and final” settlement offer pretty early on in the process.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 12:48 AM
2

The equity position in the house vs my investments was maybe like $150-200k apart. She had to refi and take over the payments. I’d take a detailed look at your situation and propose a settlement accordingly.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 06:56 PM
5

Probably more like 60/40 in her favor. But that was deliberate on my part. I wanted the settlement offer to be un-challengeable. I negotiated keeping my investments fully intact in exchange for her getting the house. I know in time I’ll be fine.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 05:42 PM
4

My understanding is if you have a mutually agreed-to settlement, and the court approves it, that preempts alimony obligations. I gave my ex what I felt was a generous settlement, she agreed to it, and the court accepted it. Hypothetically, the case could be revisited, and it could be opened back up, but I don’t foresee it. 16 years, and no kids in my case. I’m in California.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 05:26 PM
1

It gets better. Full disclosure, I don’t have kids. I petitioned for the divorce. When I moved out & away, I made a concerted effort to get involved in activities, get on the dating apps (for better or for worse), and just generally try to stay busy. It got to the point where things got a little chaotic, and I actually had to start saying “no” to some activities. I’ve met someone special. We’ve been going out for a few months. I don’t know if she’s “the one” (being divorced, I’m kind of over tha…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 10:16 PM
1

I specifically put my unpublished book, and a blog/podcast I do with a friend as exclusively mine in my settlement. Neither of them are making any money right now, but I wanted to specifically exclude them from any claim she could make on my income. Unless your settlement has some provision for variable income scenarios, you might be up a creek. But I would consult an attorney about it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 08:24 PM
6

In my case, it was a “slow death.” We just grew apart emotionally and physically, and I got tired of being taken for granted. I accept that I contributed to the failure of the marriage, but refuse to take 100% responsibility. I didn’t feel like she was willing or able to make the changes to make things work. The bigger issue with forgiveness for me was with myself. I even asked my ex to forgive me for some things, and she did. We’re still on amicable, but arms-length terms. No kids.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 04:39 PM
4

Ex wanted separation. I knew there was no chance she was going to change. I was done playing games and going through the motions at that point. If I really thought she was willing to change, I would have considered it, but those days were done.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 02:37 PM
1

Do you have an attorney? I would probably get one considering your situation. If it’s not an amicable settlement (which it sounds like it’s not) the court is going to look at an equitable distribution of assets, roughly 50/50, give-or-take.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 07:07 PM
4

Not “besties” with my ex, but we’re on civil terms. We live 400 miles apart from each other now. I would like to remain on at least friendly (non-antagonistic) terms. If she expresses she wants no further contact, I’d be fine with it. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 04:08 PM
13

To “hold relationships loosely.” I didn’t really get it at first, especially coming from someone from a pastoral background (the person telling me). I think what I came to realize is that it meant not to idolize anyone, not to be crushed by rejection, and not to try to seek validation or meaning in the approval of someone else. Then it was kind of an epiphany. 💡
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 08:01 PM
5

Most of the apps (except Bumble) have a place to put your relationship status. I am upfront. I know I personally hate a bait & switch, so I don’t like doing it to others. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 05:56 AM
1

I paid mine out over 18 months. Wasn’t fun, but I got through it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 09:15 PM
8

Or being endlessly taken for granted.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 02:00 PM
1

I stuck it out for a lot longer than I probably should have. I was just “running on fumes” at the end. Still on amicable terms, and communicate probably once a month. Have even visited her a few times. No kids. Every time I think “Maybe I should have stuck it out” I just remember how crystal clear my resolve was to finally do it at the time.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 04:09 PM
1

This is why my proposal was deliberately generous. Didn’t want it picked apart by my ex or a judge. Gave her the house and a modest lump sum cash settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 02:09 PM
2

Ex was very contentious, and I knew if she felt she wasn’t getting a “good deal” it would be a long, drawn-out fight. I just wanted it over with and to move on. I will be fine.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 02:05 PM
2

I gave more than half, but it was my proposal. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 01:28 PM
2

I gave my ex the house in exchange for keeping my investment accounts intact.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 01:12 PM
1

Mine was relatively painless. We are still in periodic communication, and are amicable. It is possible. No kids in my case, and I was very generous in my settlement. She told me after the fact she “didn’t want it.” But I left the door open for her to talk about reconciliation, and she never really initiated, so I assumed she wasn’t interested. In my last face-to-face meeting with her, I told her I’d moved on, but wished her well. It just really depends. I would say if the last few years have bee…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 03:42 PM
2

Still pretty good friends with my ex’s aunt. Rest of the family, not as much. They’re 400 miles away now, so not much direct interaction anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 12:32 AM
4

For me, it was being taken for granted, something my ex acknowledged in a post-divorce conversation we had. I’m not asking for constant gushing praise and thanks, but getting a little “thanks honey” every now and then would have been nice. Seems like the only time I got it was when I said “You’re welcome!” sarcastically. 🙄 I am very candid with dates about this if we get to the second or third date. On the flip side, I could have been more affectionate and more vulnerable. I think the reason I w…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 09:34 PM
3

I had a similar experience. Went out with a cute woman (not super-hot, but OK). Second date, we went to a comedy show, made out in the dark, had some drinks, and ended up getting a hotel room. I asked her on a third date, reserved a hotel room and everything. She ended up walking out on me and leaving me holding the bag on the room. I thought we were done for good at that point. I unmatched from her, and deleted her number. A few weeks later, I get a text from her. I recognize the number. She st…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 03:33 PM
3

I usually get the opportunists that think I’m desperate, so they treat me like a meal ticket (I call them SSDs “Seeking Sugar Daddy”) or they’re just “he seems nice/handsome enough.” When they discover I’m not a multi-millionaire, or I do/say some random thing that turns them off, I usually get some flimsy excuse why they’re not interested.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 02:38 PM
2

Jeep Cherokees and Pumpkin Spice Lattes. 😂 I hear what you’re saying. I think both men and women can be too picky, or they get too easily attached too quickly. I think people can make excuses for why they’re “not feeling it.” No judgment, I get it. I want to feel attractive and wanted, not a “settle for.”
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 02:25 PM
5

Haha. Your definition of “spiritual” is pretty hard-core. I guess my definition is “does yoga, has a dream catcher in her house, wears a crystal necklace, and went on a trip to India once.” 😄 I would call what you’re describing more “superstitious.” I don’t have much tolerance for extreme superstition, extreme moral rigidity, or extreme litmus tests or check-boxes of attributes. Call it hippy-dippy, but I’m more into overall “vibe” lately. If we can hang out for more than two hours at a time, an…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 02:15 PM
1

Ask the tough questions early on, don’t be blinded by naïve idealism. Figure out compatibility early on. Pay attention to red flags in the dating/courtship stage. Chances are they’re not “no big deal.”
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/24 08:11 PM
3

I was the petitioner. I don’t hate her, but felt we had just morphed into a weird low-level contemptuous tolerance for each other, and I didn’t see that changing. I think she was more upset that her easy autopilot life was being disrupted where she would have to take responsibility for things. Current life isn’t perfect, but making the most of it and trying to stay busy.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 06:59 PM
5

No. If it was mutually agreed-upon, submitted to the court in good faith, and approved, just take the win. Any post-settlement attempts at reconciliation will only complicate things, IMHO.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 05:58 PM
9

I’m not anti-marriage, but definitely more discerning, observant, and not afraid to ask the tough questions. If I get a whiff of manipulation or entitlement, I’m out. 👋🏼
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 01:04 AM
1

Here to offer perspective and support. Not saying my life is perfect or all “rainbows and unicorns” post-divorce, but making it work somehow. All in all, my process was pretty painless, unlike a lot of the stories I read here. The idea of “the one” is completely obliterated for me. Statistically, I have millions of potential partners. It’s kind of luck of the draw, and right place, right time. Wish all you guys the best.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 06:13 PM
1

Life experience has made me temper my expectations. Short-term fun, "butterflies," or straight-up carnal lust don't equal long-term relationship material. Granted, attraction is still an important factor, but not the only one. I'm trying to remain open-minded about meeting and going out with people, but have learned not to invest in anyone too much emotionally before I see that it's at least somewhat reciprocated.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 12:34 AM
5

Need more info. For counseling to be successful requires mutual effort and a willingness to change. If not, it’s a giant waste of money.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 05:14 AM
7

Don't take disrespect. What you have described is next-level. In my case, she just took me for granted as a house-servant. Especially if there are no kids involved, I'd get out of that situation ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 04:45 PM
2

Wow. That’s a long time! Just 18 months and $25k in my case. She got the million-dollar house too. No kids as well.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 03:22 PM
5

I try not to put too many conditions on future relationships. I was a self-imposed purity culture virgin until my mid 20s, when FOMO got the better of me. That first sexual encounter really f*cked with my head and sabotaged my sex life in my first marriage. There were many other issues with the marriage that culminated in it ending, but that was a biggie. Now, I just want someone that respects me, doesn't expect me to do everything, and within the context of an exclusive, living-together relatio…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 01:05 AM
2

My ex wanted to separate, but I was already way past that point by the time I petitioned. If you’re already mentally checked-out, no reason for half-measures.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/24 05:52 AM
7

I honestly don’t know if I truly ever loved my ex. Certainly not in the last two years we were married. I couldn’t get the thought of divorce and what a post-divorce life would be like out of my head. I think she “loved” me inasmuch as what I could do for her. But it was rarely reciprocated or acknowledged. She and other family members said she “didn’t want” the divorce. I left the door cracked open for reconciliation talks, but she never really followed through, so I assumed she wasn’t interest…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 05:32 PM
6

I jumped back into dating soon after my separation/divorce. Too soon? Maybe, maybe not. But even my negative experiences were valuable. Has definitely clarified what I’m looking for in terms of attributes and personality. Just go in with low expectations, enjoy the moment, don’t be too needy or desperate. Swipe right on people that you don’t think would necessarily be “your type.”
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 06:08 PM
9

48M (now). I’m exactly at the 2 year mark. I can tell you now, I’m kind of at the IDGAF stage when it comes to women. I mean, I care, but I don’t care, if that makes any sense. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I don’t take rejection personally anymore. Earlier on, every rejection felt like a deliberate stab to my heart. Now I’m kind of “Meh, whatever. Next!”
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 12:00 AM
2

48M. No kids in my case, but the defining moment for me was when I came to the realization nothing was going to change. My ex had it easy with me doing about 80 percent of everything. Granted, the intimacy and spark wasn’t there, and hadn’t been for years, but she was getting enough benefit on balance for her to tolerate the situation. I wasn’t. I was just absolutely depleted, emotionally and physically. We went through the motions of couples counseling, seeing specialists for ED, etc. Not gonna…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 09:36 PM
3

Who petitioned? How long were you together? I initially left the door open for my ex and Into talk things out, but she never followed through. Besides which, I don’t think she would have liked my terms, which were some major changes on her part. I would have been willing to make some changes too. I met up with her a few months ago, and we talked about a few things. She said she would have preferred separation initially to full-blown divorce, but we had 16 years to work things out, and nothing ch…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 03:11 PM
4

Pretty much shunned by my immediate in-laws (no surprise). My ex’s aunt wanted to keep in touch (which we have). My mom was profoundly relieved (they never got along well). I moved out-of-area from where we lived, but have generally kept in touch with my friends there.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 03:04 PM
5

Try it when you’re in your mid-late 40s! What I wouldn’t do to have my 30s back! I can only share my personal post-divorce experiences. Immediately post separation/divorce, I was honestly kind of needy/clingy, and sought validation from women in the form of multiple dates, or their willingness to sleep with me. Definitely not a healthy dynamic. I would obviously love to have a loving, supportive life partner, but I’m not “simping” for it anymore. I’m going on dates. Sometimes they work out, some…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 09:12 PM
5

My marriage and divorce has caused a lot of self-reflection, and a major change in perspective when it comes to my faith. I was kind of a self-imposed Puritan from probably 13 to my mid-late 20s. I missed out on a lot of experiences (by choice, at the time). I married for the wrong reasons, and was willfully blind and in denial to the observations of many that said we were a poor fit. I thought for years that by unilateral force of will, I could make it work. Years and thousands of dollars in co…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 03:47 PM
3

Woman. Referral. Might have been able to DIY it in retrospect, but ex had lawyered up, so I didn’t want to go into an ambush. Felt I had competent counsel.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 06:04 AM
7

It doesn’t bother me. Honestly, it seems like it would be a major PITA to change it back on everything. She’s told me she plans to do it eventually.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 04:19 PM
3

I petitioned and filed.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 12:33 PM
1

You should feel no obligation. Doesn’t sound like it was exactly an amicable split.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 04:12 AM
8

I negotiated to keep all of my investments/retirement, etc. I gave her the house in exchange. On paper, it was a little lopsided in her favor, but I knew over time, my investment portfolio would grow. I would say just take a pragmatic/strategic look at your assets, and negotiate accordingly.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 03:32 PM
13

I wanted it, she didn’t. I left the door open to conversations about reconciling, but she never really followed through. I think because she knew there would definitely be some conditions on my part. And I honestly think we’re both pretty set in our ways, and the prospect for meaningful change was not likely. That said, I don’t want to be antagonistic or “enemies.”
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/23 06:37 PM
20

Nope. No kids.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/23 03:09 PM
73

Somewhat off-topic, but recently met up with my ex to catch up (want to maintain at least a cordial, but arms-length relationship). She shared that she had some roommates to help her cover the mortgage and expenses. She said they were both guys, but quickly added, “but there’s nothing going on.” I don’t know if she was trying to bait me or make me jealous, but I just casually responded, “Not my business.” 😏
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/23 02:25 PM
2

If she can’t refi, then a forced sale may be inevitable. 😕 Unless the two of you mutually agree to an arrangement that on paper is non-equitable (i.e. nowhere close to 50/50.) You’ll probably have to go in front of a judge and both mutually assent to the arrangement.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/23 04:17 PM
1

No worries. But I think Musk and Grimes were just FBs and he was a baby daddy.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/23 12:38 PM
2

Umm…I don’t know if they were ever married in the first place. He might have to pay child support.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/23 11:38 AM
6

She’s going to have to refi. Most lenders will not do an “assumption” loan (i.e. keep the same interest rate.) It works in your favor if interest rates are lower, not so much if they’re higher.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/23 05:57 AM
5

The lack of gratitude and appreciation was probably the biggest factor for me. Between that and the irrational, angry outbursts, I was kind of done.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/23 03:26 PM
2

I’m almost 2 years out from my divorce. No kids, but have had my emotional ups and downs. Actually met with my ex a few days ago. Apologized for some things I know I screwed up, and she confessed a few self-realizations (that I knew all along) as well. We’re on cordial terms. I’ve joined a lot of social groups, and have made some good friends in the area. Like others have said, staying busy helps. In terms of dating and relationships, get out there and meet people, but don’t be crushed at reject…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/23 02:38 AM
6

48M. No kids in my case, but just the prospect there was little to no chance of improvement. There was always a lot of brinksmanship, and some token efforts at improvement, but always a reversion to old habits. I was the petitioner. Recently met up with her. Seems like she’s changed, in terms of learning to “adult” (at 45!) and I’m happy for her, but in kind of an arms-length way. If (purely hypothetical) we were to reconcile and get back together, I just think we’d fall into old habits again, a…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 08:18 PM
1

Depends on how amicable the process is. My ex consulted an attorney, so I figured I had no choice but to lawyer up too. I just didn’t want it to be a lopsided playing field.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/23 07:07 PM
2

Wish we both would have worked on issues earlier on, rather than kicking the can down the road or avoiding. That said, we both “went through the motions” of couples’ therapy, I even went to a sex specialist, took injections for Low T, ED (which sent me to the ER for a priapism). I was kind of avoidant and emotionally unavailable, but her critical, nit-picky nature didn’t help my motivation. There’s a lot I could say about her flaws and contributing factors to the divorce, but it’s water under th…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/23 12:53 AM
8

Spent years and thousands of dollars on counseling. If there’s not mutual and proportional effort and desire to fix things, it’s flushing money down the toilet. I think my ex’s idea of “fixing” things was just me capitulating to all her wishes and shutting up, while she does nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/23 12:24 AM
1

I just got to the point I felt depleted, and didn’t sense she had much motivation to meaningfully change. Could I/we have held out and made it work? Maybe. But I wasn’t willing to put in unilateral effort anymore when I felt she was just kind of “phoning it in” and would continue to do so.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 08:47 PM
13

Looking back, I don’t know if I truly ever “loved” my ex. I think I married her out of a sense of duty and societal obligation to marry because I was around “that age” where it was the expected and respectable thing to do. I was much more socially and religiously conservative at that time. There were a lot of issues and compatibilities going back to nearly the beginning that I should have noticed that I was naïve or in denial about. I know I did a lot of things that contributed to the deteriorat…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/23 09:59 PM
8

I am basically living paycheck-to-paycheck and off my mom’s generosity right now. Divorced about 18 months. Objectively, my life was much more “comfortable” being married. But I was miserable. If you’re OK with hating life and just existing, then sure. Money isn’t everything. If you feel your marriage is stuck in “Groundhog Day” mode, then you need to do some serious self-reflection. What’s ultimately more important to you, material/financial comfort, or holistic happiness?
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/23 04:27 AM
2

This. ☝🏼Start going down your bucket list. Get out and do stuff you couldn’t when you were married. My ex had a lot of social anxiety, and didn’t have many friends. Make some new friends. I guess I’m somewhat fortunate that I did not have much of an emotional connection to my ex for many years. I was the petitioner.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 01:57 PM
1

It was pretty clear-cut for me. I asked myself, “Can I continue to live like this for the next 30+ years?” The answer in my mind was a resounding no. No kids in my case. I made a deliberately generous settlement offer because I didn’t want a bunch of unnecessary back & forth with attorney fees. I just didn’t see much prospect for things changing at all. I’ve gone over the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” a million times in my head, but I can’t undo the past, and even if I had done some things different…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/23 02:11 PM
2

Was probably a contributor. Relationship was already on the rocks pre-COVID, but the pressure cooker of all that together time kind of exacerbated it. Specifically, I was out-of-town over the holidays when my ex and all of her family came down with it. I opted to stay away, and caught holy hell for it. It made no sense to me to put myself in a COVID hot zone just to show solidarity.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 06:34 PM
4

No, no, no. It’s one thing to share it with your divorce attorney, it’s a whole other thing to post it publicly. Other than petty revenge, and the fleeting satisfaction you may get, no good can come from this. I would advise against it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 06:10 PM
1

No kids? You're lucky you're getting out when you are. I'm 47, and I'm a lot less marketable than you are at 22. 😄 I'm not chopped liver, but I know what I am, and what I'm not. I would say focus on a balanced, healthy life. Try to moderate alcohol and unhealthy food intake (admittedly easier said that done, sometimes!) Find a physical activity you enjoy (biking, running, walking, weights, martial arts, etc.) find some Meetup groups in your area for people with similar interests (if you have the…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 04:28 PM
0

Honestly I could have cared less, but my ex gave me about 3/4 of the furniture we had. Because of it, I had to make two back-to-back 400 mile U-Haul trips. 😆 Probably saved me about $10k, though. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 06:19 PM
2

From my experience, go in prepared, and have a firm idea what you want to get out of it. The more decisive and outcome-oriented you are, the easier (and cheaper) it will be. Lawyers are not grief counselors, and they charge hourly. Most reputable family law attorneys will give you a free initial consultation. Be pragmatic, not emotional or vengeful. Retainer fee seems reasonable.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 03:47 AM
4

More the annoyance of having to fork it out every month, thinking of all the other things I’d rather do with the money. Thankfully my settlement ends in February. She got a generous settlement of a $1 million+ house and $25k cash. In exchange, I got to keep my investments and retirement accounts intact, and no claim in future income once the settlement is paid. On paper, it was probably 60/40 in her favor, but I know I’ll be fine in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 02:18 AM
3

Not so much grief for me but kind of “coulda, woulda, shoulda,” which I guess is a type of grief. I look back and see things I could have done differently, that might have made a difference in the outcome, but also the realization we very well could have ended up in the same place.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 04:44 PM
3

The settlement payments. Occasional loneliness. Other than that, mostly upside.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 06:12 PM
2

Mixed bag. Currently seeing someone who’s very enthusiastic, shall we say. Not sure what our long-term prospects are, but enjoying the moment. 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/23 05:58 PM
4

I was the petitioner. I also consider myself a Christian. I lived with guilt at the mere thought of divorce that was compounded by the fundamentalist church we went to for many years that I “wasn’t doing enough.” They were getting a one-sided account from my wife. I politely told them the intimate details of our relationship were none of their business, and that I rejected the premise that I didn’t do enough. Did some of my actions or apathy contribute to the deterioration of our marriage? Sure.…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 06:52 PM
12

I made it explicit in the settlement that she was not entitled to future income beyond the agreed-to settlement. About a month out from the last payment, I’m probably going to have my attorney send her a letter reiterating this.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/23 01:23 AM
1

You can ask for forgiveness, she doesn’t have to give it to you. It may take her a while to get to that point. I would just confess and apologize, certainly ask for her to forgive you, but it may take her a while to come around to being able to accept your apology.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 07:45 PM
7

I get it, and I don’t blame her, but if you’re not comfortable being exclusive, just be honest with her. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/23 07:14 PM
2

I think “indifference” is the term I’d use. During the last few years of our marriage, I’d probably use the term “contempt.” Now that I’m away from her, it’s “indifference.” No kids. I would describe our relationship as “friendly” but I wouldn’t consider us friends in the traditional sense anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 01:16 PM
2

Not my ex, but I did. 🙂 Still have a ways to go, but more than 30 lbs down off my all-time peak weight.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 06:03 PM
1

Yep. My ex was pretty financially naïve. She probably would have done the same.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 08:56 PM
1

I kept all of my investments/401(k) in exchange for her getting the house. On paper, it was about a 60/40 deal in her favor, but I know I’ll be fine longer-term.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 06:04 PM
7

No kids. She’s not enough of a nuisance for me to care. After I make my final settlement payment, I may restrict her to email only. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 04:42 AM
4

18 months of settlement total, 6 more to go.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 02:14 AM
-6

Wasn’t planning on it. If she follows up with an “after” shot, I’ll say “Looks nice.” 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 02:11 AM
5

No. She’s not bulldozing the house, she’s getting the driveway re-done. Basically flexing on spending her settlement money. 🙄
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 01:53 AM
1

I don’t block anyone (including ex) unless they get abusive or harassing. If it were to get to that stage, I would.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 01:35 AM
1

I have had moments of loneliness, but I remember my resolve being crystal clear when I asked for my divorce. I still get periodic calls or texts from my ex, but really have no desire to get back with her at this point. We live 400 miles apart now. If I’m in the area, I might say I want to “pop by to say hi.” But that’s about it. Go with your gut, but if there’s any whiff of emotional manipulation, don’t do it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 01:32 AM
1

I chose to give her the house as part of the settlement. You can just do a quitclaim deed, but from my understanding, if you’re still on county records, you’d be responsible for property taxes is she ever fell behind. That’s why I wanted off the title and mortgage COMPLETELY. Unfortunately, interest rates were about double what they were from the original loan we got, but I can’t control the economy. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 01:58 PM
4

My ex was an Anglo American, but extremely entitled and lacking in many life skills. She has a full-time job, and I gave her a $1 million house as part of the settlement. I’ve given her every advantage I could as part of the settlement. If she blows it, not my fault. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/23 04:05 PM
4

Obviously not what I and my ex did/didn't do. I felt judged by her a lot of the time, which made me want to kind of become reclusive, and not share with her, even though she said she wanted me to share all the time. Also not being taken advantage of. I have the "nice guy" curse which I'm still trying to break out of, where I just instinctively want to serve and do nice things. But that can turn into entitlement and co-dependency by the receiver. In my post-divorce life, it's manifested itself by…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 10:58 PM
1

Have you gone to couples therapy? I know some on here will say it’s a waste of time & money, and it can be (and arguably was in my case), but it’s good to have a referee present where you can air your grievances without it turning into a shouting match (ideally). But you both have to be committed to putting in the work. If it’s just a checkbox thing, or going through the motions, or one person is serious and committed, and the other isn’t, it’s not going to work.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 07:01 PM
1

Don’t hate her, but don’t want to be with her anymore. (Obviously). 😄
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 05:07 PM
8

I try to avoid “painting with a broom” or “All (x) are (x)” thinking. Have I had negative experiences with women? Of course. Let’s face it, probably all of us on this subreddit have. But I still try to take people on an individual basis. Just keep your guard up, and be aware of manipulative patterns and behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 04:26 PM
2

At first I thought it said, “Need help in making poor decisions.” 😆 Well, you’ve definitely come to the right place! 😜
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/23 06:53 PM
2

I honestly don’t care. I actually hope my ex finds someone and lives “happily ever after.” I think she may have a hard time keeping a guy. 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/23 01:30 PM
1

Didn’t read. In my experience, If the settlement is at least nominally 50/50 (Was more 60/40 in my wife’s favor in my case), and it’s mutually agreed to, you’re good to go. If anything, I was probably overly generous, but didn’t want a contentious, drawn-out process. No kids in my case.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 10:33 PM
1

It’s basically a snapshot of current assets. I was very upfront and provided my attorney with income statements, investments, etc. Obviously it fluctuates day-to-day, week-to-week, but if it’s WAY off, that will probably trigger an investigation by your STBX or attorney. I just made a good faith effort, and it seemed to be good enough. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 11:42 PM
1

Stay busy. I’ve had fleeting thoughts of reconciliation. But I think realistically that ship has already sailed. I left the door cracked open to talk things out with her, but she’s never really hinted that she wants to have that conversation. I think she’s probably waiting for a profuse apology and for me to come crawling back on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness. Could I have done some things differently, and did I do some stupid things to sabotage the relationship over the years? Yes.…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/23 06:32 PM
2

Similar situation. Also 16 years, but no kids. I got to the point I just felt kind of dead inside and going through the motions. I’ve had fleeting thoughts of reconciliation, but then realization that the odds of her changing are next to zero. Also have dealt with projection from her that I’m the reason she can’t make friends, and that I’ve been secretly badmouthing her to all of our old friends, which I haven’t.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 02:39 PM
8

My ex hardly ever cooked, and wanted a gold star whenever she did basic stuff like spaghetti and baked chicken. 🙄 I cook for myself 90+% of the time now. Mostly out of economic necessity. 😆
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 04:41 AM
8

If only I were so lucky. 😆 Was 16 long, miserable years for me. I think there were some mental health issues in my case as well, but not as extreme.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/23 02:02 PM
7

It’s tough. I’m in a bit of a conundrum myself. I’ve been on a LOT of dates (usually 1 or 2x), and have had several hookups. I am still on the fence about having kids (IVF x3 with ex, no success. 😕) Met an amazing woman about a year older than me (I’m 47). She’s intelligent, gracious, sweet, and has an amazing body for her age. For obvious reasons, I don’t think kids would be in our future (certainly not biological). I think she really likes me, and I like her. I’m really torn. I think I just ne…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/23 04:40 AM
12

Too long. Had contemplated it for years. I finally came to the epiphany that nothing was going to change, and I would be trapped in a loveless, servile relationship for the rest of my life if I didn’t take action. Getting over the fear was the biggest part. Actually doing it gave me a profound sense of relief.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 11:06 PM
1

Having done years, and spending thousands on couple's therapy, if either or both of the partners are unwilling to put in the work and make substantive changes, it's a waste of time. One is authorized to prescribe meds, one just listens to your issues and suggests resources. I have an individual therapist I do through tele-health, post-divorce but only about every 2 months. Nothing against him, but may cut that back to quarterly, or quit seeing him.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 11:44 PM
8

I am on civil terms with my ex, but have no desire to reconcile. If I thought there was a chance of real change on her part, I might consider it. But time and time again, she's been a lot of talk and short-term symbolic gestures, and not a lot of meaningful change.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 08:43 PM
3

This was actually a big reason for my divorce. At one point, when she made the claim she was "doing more than I thought" I actually downloaded a chore-tracking app, and logged every time she or I did something. Guess who came out ahead? 😏 I'm not looking for a submissive domestic diva, just someone willing to pitch in and pull their share of the weight of household responsibilities. Not even necessarily 50/50, but at least putting in an effort.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 08:41 PM
4

I have no animosity toward my ex (I initiated/petitioned) but I have no desire to reconcile. I don't think her habits that led do our dissatisfaction, and ultimately our divorce, will ever change. If I thought she was genuinely remorseful and willing to change, I'd be willing to hear her out, but I think I'd counter, "I wish you well, but I don't think either one of us is going to change at this point. I hope you have a great rest of your life." Superficially, we both had a charmed, comfortable …
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 08:50 PM
4

I did, but probably not a typical case. I was the LLM in the relationship. I really lacked motivation to initiate because I felt I was the 80/20 in the relationship in terms of responsibilities, and she had lackadaisical hygiene habits. Now that I’m single, I have a high libido. I didn’t file strictly for a DB situation, but it was definitely a factor among many others.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 07:37 PM
3

Don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t care. A friend of mine recently shared that my ex asked him out, and he declined. Not mad. She can date or see whoever she wants now. Maybe I’m kind of indifferent because I was the petitioner. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/23 01:02 PM
1

There are some great YouTube channels on minimalist living/van life, etc. It’s possible to build or rebuild a satisfying life. Don’t take your life. I never felt the level of despair you’re describing, but I certainly went through periods of self-doubt and internalized mourning over the dissolution of my marriage. Don’t know if this is against the rules of this sub-Reddit, but here are a few links that might be helpful. https://youtube.com/@CheapRVliving https://youtube.com/@ProjectUntethered I’…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/23 08:51 PM
1

I’d just tell the guy, “Your business is your business. I don’t want to get in the middle of it.” If he persists in bad-mouthing his wife, just either slow fade the friendship or tell him you don’t want to hang out anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/23 02:59 PM
1

My go-tos are frozen broccoli, TJ’s bag salads, and their pre-marinated meats. My most-used kitchen appliances are probably my FoodSaver and my countertop electric grill. Also, since I’ve started doing CICO, my food scale.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 03:02 PM
2

Some variation of physical activity is good. I’m not really a “gym bro” but I try to get 10k steps in a day, generally. It’s helped me lose weight, and has helped with energy levels, self-esteem and overall wellbeing. Lately I’ve been doing CICO to accelerate my weight loss journey. I think bottom line is any activity or hobby you can do that gets you off the couch feeling sorry for yourself and drinking yourself asleep is positive. On the subject of alcohol, CICO has made me much more aware of …
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/23 09:46 PM
6

Not directly, but I think if I were to bring up reconciliation, she might be open to it. But knowing her pride, she would want me to come groveling back on my hands and knees begging for forgiveness, which I’m not going to do. Did I make some mistakes in our marriage, and looking back, could I have done some things to make things better? Sure. But I really don’t see the prospect of meaningful improvement if we were to get back together. Just the same old patterns.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/23 06:08 PM
1

Interestingly...I have an unpublished sci-fi novel that I explicitly excluded from the settlement with a clause of "no claim on future earnings." You can propose something, but she may propose something else. 😏
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 01:58 AM
2

I just gave her the logins and contact info for all the utilities, and said “There you go.” They were already being auto-payed out of our joint account, which I quit contributing to, so was a fairly painless transition.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/23 03:32 PM
7

I jumped into the dating pool pretty soon after my divorce, and it was kind of a sh!tshow, TBH. Never mind the fact I had to have the awkward conversation that I was “still technically married” while I was waiting for the 6 month “cooling off” period to expire. Now, nearly a year out, I’m getting more matches, and being a little more selective. As others have said, “work on yourself.” Find peace in solitude, and doing activities you enjoy. Don’t seek validation or meaning in a relationship. Exud…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/23 03:11 AM
2

No kids, thankfully. She barely made any effort to make new friends while we were married, and now she’s blaming me for her loneliness. Not my problem. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 03:44 PM
2

My ex flexed with me about doing household chores and cooking for herself after we separated. I was thinking…”NOW you decide to do it!” 🙄 My feeling is good for her. Finally learning to “adult” in her 40s. But nothing she could say or do could bring me back. Even a tear-filled contrite, profuse apology, although I suppose I’d feel a little vindicated if I got one.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 04:57 PM
8

I’ve had limited success meeting women. Been on a few dates with what I would consider objectively very attractive women. I’d honestly rather be with a 6/10 that respects me than a 9/10 that treats me like a servant or takes me for granted. I’m working on losing weight, and am going to re-take some pictures for OLD profiles. I consider myself reasonably good-looking, but know at my age (47) I’ve got to stand out above the crowd. Don’t lose hope, and looks aren’t everything.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 01:58 PM
2

Go for it. If you have that kind of flexibility and freedom…👊🏼
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:12 AM
4

If it’s in your financial means, I’d move out. Seems like she’s mind-f*¢king you. Be respectful, but don’t let her manipulate you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:08 AM
2

It’s a mixed bag. Some successes, but a lot of 1-2 dates and done. I seem to have the “3-date curse.” Have had a hard time getting past that point. Anymore, I don’t GAF (give a f*ck). I’m just honest, and if they want to judge, or want someone richer, fitter, more famous…Oh well. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:06 AM
5

Probably not going to get better. I stuck it out for 16 years. Should have bailed a lot sooner. Be civil and rational, but stand up for yourself, your rights, and your finances.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 03:59 PM
5

My situation was 180°. I feel I was the one doing all the laundry, cooking, etc. Daily chores may seem trivial, but after years and years of the same ol’ same ‘ol, and no change in habits, it becomes a “big deal.” It was one of the big reasons I petitioned for a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/23 10:15 PM
3

To me, someone’s character and how they treat me and others are more important than their career or family aspirations. You’ve got to figure out what you want in a relationship, and have that honest discussion with whoever you seriously date. There’s no “one size fits all.”
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/23 08:12 PM
2

I actually rarely initiated with my ex, because she was so needy and entitled, and I felt didn’t contribute much to the relationship. Now that I’m single again, my libido is much higher. Funny how that works. 😄
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 05:54 PM
1

I’m not big in hard-and-fast, carved-in-stone “rules.” It’s different for everyone. But I see the wisdom in not actively dating for a while after divorce. I had many short-term dates and even a few hookups less than a year out. But none of them were particularly satisfying. I feel I’m now at a place to start dating more intentionally. I’ve also learned not to “chase.” If the interest is not reciprocated or mutual, I’m not going to waste my time.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 06:49 PM
1

As soon as I filed, I opened a solo bank account, and changed my direct deposit. Thankfully my ex didn’t pull any major shenanigans. Honestly, I don’t think she was clever enough to. 😜 Sorry you’re going through this. 😕
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 03:25 AM
1

It was relatively amicable. Her initial ask was insane. I said no way. Brought her down considerably on the amount of the cash settlement. On paper she probably got about a 60/40 deal, but I kept all of my investments.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/23 10:47 PM
2

I’m not a lawyer. I would prepare as much as possible, have an idea of what strategy you want to take, and be clear about it. I only paid a little over $6k in legal fees.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/23 10:37 PM
1

Yes. All the documentation I saw during the process used the numbers from the day of separation.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/23 08:40 PM
2

My understanding is assets are taken as a “snapshot” on day of filing. That’s how I approached it in my case.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/23 08:02 PM
1

If you’re on relatively amicable terms, I’d say a joint sit-down with all of your kids, either individually or together. Try to stay calm and collected, don’t blame your STBX, and don’t let her do it either. Chances are, they probably saw it coming.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/23 01:42 AM
2

I’m tired of playing games and being manipulated. If they’re controlling, critical, judgy, gaslighting, lacking empathy, etc…Bye Felicia! 👋🏼 I’d rather be and stay single than be in a manipulative or disrespectful relationship. May be single for the rest of my life, but I’m becoming more at peace with that every day.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 05:57 PM
1

In my case, I gave my ex the house in exchange for keeping all of my investments and retirement accounts. On paper, she came out about 60/40 ahead, but I knew in time my investments would probably be worth as much or more as her equity in the house. No kids. Court accepted the uncontested settlement without issue. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/23 04:37 AM
2

Don't feel guilty at all! I've made a few smaller purchases, but honestly can't afford bigger-ticket items because I'm still making alimony payments. Once I get that behind me, I'm probably going to get a new laptop and e-Bike.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 02:18 PM
1

I would try to offer a preemptive settlement and avoid discovery if you can. That's what I did, and I'm glad that's what I chose. Saved me a lot of headaches and legal fees.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 02:13 PM
1

U.S. California. I thought it seemed kind of fishy at first, but seems legit so far. Only money I’ve paid out of pocket so far is for a private cocktail party they’re hosting. We’ll see how that goes. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 01:10 PM
2

I don’t believe in the good guy/bad boy dichotomy. Being a naïve simp without enough life and relationship experience got me into the first situation. I have learned to quickly but graciously end relationships that are throwing red flags rather than put up with B.S. for too long. I canceled a date when my last date sent me a text that showed a lack of empathy. I’ve learned to rip off the band aid sooner than later.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 01:05 PM
2

Almost a year away from the date of my relocation. 7 months from the official court acceptance of the judgment. The first few months were a booze-filled sh!tshow with a couple of hookups with low-quality women, and a lot of loneliness. Now I’m so busy, I barely have time for myself! Randomly, I was approached out-of-the-blue by an exclusive matchmaker. I have no idea how they found me. I told them candidly I didn’t have a lot of discretionary money to throw around because of my alimony settlemen…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 01:44 AM
3

I don’t know if it was truly a surprise to either of us. I was the petitioner, so it definitely wasn’t a surprise to me. I’d hinted at it a year previously, and had threatened it many times before. I think she might have been surprised I finally had the b@lls to say it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 01:24 AM
1

I willingly gave her (our) house in exchange for keeping all of my investments and retirement accounts intact. I fortunately had another housing option available, and took it. I would just say be strategic, practical and tactical. Look out for your own interests, but don’t get hung up on things that just create tension and argument.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/23 05:24 AM
13

47M, no kids. It has given me a much more pragmatic perspective on relationships. Really looking at womens’ personality traits in terms of character, honesty, respect and reciprocation, more so than just how “hot” they are, or how flattering or lovey-dovey they are initially. Don’t get me wrong, physical attraction is still important to me, but I’d rather have a respectful and generous 6 than a narcissistic, entitled 8 or 9.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/23 05:51 PM
2

Did the verbal announcement before I served papers. Initially kind of stunned, silent tears, then “I hope this is what you want” as she left to go to her parents. I didn’t verbally reply, only thought to myself, “If it wasn’t what I wanted, I wouldn’t have said it.”
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/23 01:25 PM
1

Couldn’t be more different for me. Honestly felt indifference and even contempt for my wife the last few years of our marriage. I was the petitioner. I think I was “truly done” with her before she was done with me. As soon as I verbally asked for the divorce, we were never under the same roof again. Her choice. I gave her the option for us to cohabitate, but she packed up her stuff and was out the door the same day. Sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 02:58 PM
2

At least in my case, they mostly looked at a “snapshot” of our finances, and not necessarily future earning potential. No kids in my case, which definitely simplified things. Plus, on-paper, my ex got about a 60/40 deal. Would try to go the uncontested route, and both parties agree to the same settlement. Definitely have a lawyer review, though.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 11:31 PM
4

Congratulations. In terms of the infidelity, what would really be accomplished by digging it up again other than reopening old wounds? I understand the cathartic release of “getting it off your chest” but in terms of a direct confrontation with your ex, probably not worth the risk. Talk it out with some buddies or a therapist. I briefly left the door cracked for my ex and I to “talk things out” after I petitioned, and she didn’t want to go there. I consider that chapter closed. If she wants to b…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 06:43 PM
1

No kids in my case.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 09:54 PM
3

In my settlement offer, I explicitly put the clause “no claim on future income” beyond the agreed-to settlement. She agreed to it, and the court approved it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 08:58 PM
3

I wouldn’t put up with this drama. Bye Felicia! ✋🏼🙄
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 02:44 PM
1

As long as the bottom-line comes to around 50/50, or you voluntarily cede more than 50% (as I did) it will probably get approved. You can get creative in your settlement offer. I don’t know Texas law specifically. Would definitely find a good attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 03:49 AM
2

I live in California, but it seems to me that if she doesn’t have the income to cover the mortgage payment herself, it would essentially force a sale of the house, and division of the net sales assets 50/50. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 03:45 AM
-1

Avenue Q is hilarious! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 06:13 PM
9

That’s a hard stop for me. Briefly dated a woman who was kind of a liberal, SJW type that was easily offended by ethnic humor and comedians, and basically inferred I was racist because I found ethnic comedy funny. (I’m just talking Jimmy O. Yang, Nigel Ng (“Uncle Roger”, etc.) She was southeast Asian, but U.S.-born. When I told her to lighten up, she got offended. I basically told her “I don’t think this is going to work.”
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 05:32 PM
4

In my case, I offered her the house in exchange for a “clean” break. I didn’t want to have to divide my 401(k) and investment accounts. On-paper, she came out about $200,000 ahead, but I know over time, I’ll be fine. 🤷🏻‍♂️ She is responsible for the mortgage and property taxes now, though.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 05:10 PM
2

From what I’ve read, just doing a quitclaim still leaves your credit history vulnerable. I did a full-fledged refi to give the ex the house. The interest rate nearly doubled, but I can’t control the economy. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 03:10 AM
1

My ex idolized her dad. She compared almost everything I did to him, and how he did it better. I actually ended up learning a lot of DIY stuff from him, and I’m thankful for that, but I hated the constant comparison. Just one of many factors that led to our split, but it was an issue.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/23 08:44 PM
3

This sounds like what I got out of after 16 years. It probably won’t get better, I hate to tell you. If she’s willing, I’d at least try counseling, and be BRUTALLY honest about issues. She might have an epiphany moment and make some real changes, or she might gaslight you and say you’re the problem. Counseling won’t be a panacea. I kind of see it as a “last ditch effort.” Better to get out sooner than later. My ex was also possessive and jealous that I had guy friends I hung out with. She had a …
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/23 11:20 PM
2

You have to look at this pragmatically and strategically. Don’t leave a paper or electronic trail that she can find out what’s going on. Just say you’re “running an errand” or “have an appointment.” In terms of male vs female attorney, that’s not necessarily a guarantee they’ll be good or bad. I’d still do an initial consultation. And if they charge you for an initial consultation, thank them and leave. Most reputable ones will offer a free initial consultation. And as you noted, the more you ca…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/23 02:27 PM
8

Do you have kids? I think that’s the biggest difference in my case. No kids, I was the petitioner. My post-divorce life isn’t perfect, and I have times of loneliness, but there’s no turning back. I don’t regret my decision. I don’t wish my ex ill, but I know I couldn’t continue to be with her. We just had vastly different expectations of what we wanted out of the relationship and our future together. The last few years of our marriage, I literally dreamed about what it would be like to be living…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/23 02:11 PM
2

I don't know if it's "usual" or not, but my initial consultation was free.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/23 03:56 AM
2

It was good "practice" for me, but shouldn't go in with the intention of finding a future life-mate right away.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 04:54 AM
1

I avoided discovery because we settled before we got to that stage. Or rather, my attorney received a discovery packet, and I told her to do the same. My ex went ape-$h!t and said, “Why are you asking me for this?” I told her, “Because you’re asking for it.” At first she had no idea what I was talking about. I guess she was pretty clueless about what her legal team was doing. 🙄 But if you think she’s hiding assets, then you should get an attorney to investigate.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 03:14 AM
1

Do you have any friends or family you could stay with on a temporary basis? Offer to do chores, etc. as a "barter" system if they'll give you a slight discount on rent. There are longer-term hotels, but they can get expensive after a while. I'd say cruise Craigslist for roommate postings. Also, see if some apartment complexes in your area might be looking for a resident manager. Kind of a thankless job, but I think the tradeoff is some of them offer free rent as part of your compensation. 🤷🏻‍♂️ …
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/23 05:41 PM
2

Also had a female attorney, and think it was a strategic advantage. She was referred to me by a friend that went through a very nasty, contentious divorce, and he couldn’t have spoken more highly of her. I was very happy with her counsel and representation. Regardless, go in prepared, and with a strategic objective. Will save you time and money.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/23 03:30 AM
3

I dated a little while I was still technically married. None of them were particularly successful, and I kind of felt subtly judged for my situation. Now that I’m (statutorily) divorced, it’s less of an issue. I’d say just take things easy, hold relationships loosely if and until there’s mutual agreement on the arrangement (whatever it is).
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 11:56 PM
1

Possibly. Not in a rush, though.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 11:05 PM
1

I did an uncontested divorce, but I retained my own attorney. You need to try to approach this as objectively and pragmatically as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 11:05 PM
6

Bro, if it makes you feel any better, I was in a miserable marriage for 16 years. To be fair, the entire time wasn't "miserable" but toward the end, it was more bad than good. Use this time for self-improvement, being a good human, having fun, meeting people, and doing activities that you couldn't when you were married, or your SO wasn't enthusiastic about. In terms of dating and women, in retrospect, I probably jumped into the "dating pool" a little too soon after my separation, and it was defi…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 05:36 PM
3

Yes, but in my case, it was me feeling numbness and lack of interest/attraction toward her. It was also a years-long process. Just her sense of entitlement, and expectation I carry all the weight as far as cooking, household chores, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 03:31 AM
3

I initially left the door cracked open for us to "talk things out" including the possibility of reconciliation, but she never took me up on it. As far as I'm concerned, it's over. No need to be nasty, but the reconciliation ship has sailed for me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 04:37 AM
1

Do you have a house? What’s the plan for that? I wanted to keep all my investment and retirement accounts intact in exchange for her getting the house. On-paper, she got the better end of the deal, but I know in time I’ll be fine. I think that’s why our settlement proposal was approved so quickly.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/23 02:09 PM
9

I have an Excel spreadsheet with all my payment dates. Almost exactly a year from now, I’ll be done!
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/23 02:11 AM
2

It was more like “death by a thousand cuts” for me. I had brought it up a year prior, so I don’t think she was really surprised. I had been unhappy for years, and just came to the unavoidable realization that there’s no way I could live with the status quo for another 30-40 years.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/23 09:48 PM
2

As long as you have a plan to replenish your retirement account(s) do what you need to do to survive. At your age, you have time on your side. I had to sell a few stocks to come up with the down payment for my settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/23 09:45 PM
4

I’m more interested in quality over availability. My two post-separation hookups were not especially satisfying. Don’t get me wrong, I crave a physical relationship, but it’s not the only thing I care about.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/23 01:04 AM
1

I would think it would depend on if the recorder is hidden or visible. 🤔
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/23 12:59 AM
1

Just keep in mind if you don’t get her acknowledgement/assent the recordings will be inadmissible in court.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/23 03:27 PM
3

There are periods of loneliness, but I’m kind of an introvert anyway. I’ve made a few new friends, and have kept in touch with older ones. I’ve met a very beautiful woman that I’ve gone out with a few times. I don’t know if it’s going to turn into something serious or exclusive, but just kind of taking things day-by-day. Enjoy the freedom. 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/23 06:08 AM
4

No pets, no regrets. If I had a partner/kids, maybe, but like being able to lock up the house and leave whenever I want/need to.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/23 01:03 AM
4

Don’t see what you’re trying to get at. My ex took me for granted for years, and working harder at trying to please her just resulted in higher expectations and entitlement from her, and making myself feel more depleted and exhausted, physically and emotionally. It just just seemed like a no-win game after a while.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 07:14 PM
11

Sorry. Can’t relate. I’m the one that “fell out of love” if I ever was in the first place. I was the petitioner. Now’s the time to live life for you. Do and experience things you’ve always been curious about and wanted to do.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 04:34 AM
1

I did not retain counsel before I said I wanted the divorce, but did within the next few days. I guess it depends on what you expect her reaction to be. If she’s emotionally unstable, and you think she’d fly off the handle, I’d get the papers drafted up discreetly, and present them to her. Of course, there’s no guarantee she won’t fly off the handle at that point either.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/23 07:33 PM
2

Sorry you had a contentious legal fight. Thankfully, I settled with my ex fairly quickly. My settlement offer was maybe overly generous, but I made that choice deliberately because I didn’t want a long, drawn-out fight. I am at peace with the settlement and judgment, but will be glad when my obligation is completed.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 12:47 AM
5

I feel you man. Was stuck in a similar situation for 16 years. Finally had enough. Although looking back, there were plenty of warning signs I probably should have seen. Relieved there were no kids involved in my case.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/23 12:44 AM
2

Don’t have kids, but I could care less about who my ex is seeing. Likewise, I don’t share details of my social life with her. In terms of your son, if it’s a violation of the terms of your divorce, you could try to get the judgment changed, or lobby for sole or majority custody, but unless you can prove damages, I don’t know how enforceable it would be.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 08:33 PM
4

I basically presented a pretty cut & dry settlement. She kept the house (but took over the mortgage) in exchange for me keeping all of my investments and retirement accounts. The only bone of contention was the cash settlement amount. She initially wanted $100k. I said “no way.” We ultimately settled on $25k, which I’m paying out over a period of 18 months. We jointly presented and uncontested settlement to the court, and it was approved.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 04:50 PM
33

No great loss. Mostly a bunch of bitter, man-hating Karens in there anyway. 😆
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 04:20 PM
4

I dropped the “D-bomb” before retaining an attorney, but did so shortly afterward. No kids in my case. After I did, the ex’s parting words after she packed up her car and drove over to her parents was “I hope this is what you want.” I didn’t say anything in response.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 03:04 PM
3

i.e. Lover, side piece…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 03:02 PM
3

I had fallen out of love with my ex long before I petitioned. For me it was a matter of finally ripping off the band-aid. Divorced (officially) since September. Now, when I get a call or text from her, my reaction is “What does she want now?” 🙄
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 02:46 AM
1

What state? California is a 6-month "cooling off" period! I would have loved just 90 days.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 01:02 AM
2

I feel your pain, brother. My ex is also a teacher, and I sacrificed a lot of my professional dreams and aspirations to support hers.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 10:09 PM
2

I can only speak from personal experience. I gave my ex the house in exchange for me keeping all of my investment and retirement accounts intact. I also negotiated a modest cash settlement to be paid over 18 months. She had to refi and take over the mortgage and property taxes. On-paper, I got the short end of the stick, but I’m confident I’ll be fine over the longer term with my investments. I just wanted a drama-free settlement and judgment, and that’s basically what I got. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 07:50 PM
7

I think it's admirable you have empathy for your wife's condition, but that's no excuse for her manipulation and co-dependency. I have no regrets about filing. Granted, no kids in my case, but I left my ex a $1 million home (but she had to take over the payments) and a modest cash settlement. I have gone on many dates, and have a very attractive current prospect (whom I've gone out with several times). Do what you feel you must, but I wouldn't go back to the situation you describe. I'd offer her…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 06:14 AM
1

If you’re on relatively amicable terms, I’d try to sit down with her and work out some reasonable scenarios for division of assets. Maybe even “Option A, B, C.” At least with my ex, as long as you gave her choices, and she didn’t feel she was being ambushed or forced into a decision, she was pretty reasonable. When she felt she was being pressured, she’d start getting reactive and irrational. Maybe even put “Pros” and “Cons” for each. Even if you don’t end up sharing with her, might be a good ex…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/23 04:40 PM
1

I went the uncontested route. We both had our own attorneys, but basically worked out the division of assets, both signed it, and submitted it to the judge. As I’ve posted before, If you’re amicable, the more you can work out with her outside the attorney’s office, the cheaper it will be.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/23 02:25 AM
2

Yes. Consult with your attorney. Also, will it be a surprise to your spouse, or not? If you’re on relatively amicable terms, I would suggest talking through a tentative settlement proposal that you’d both be OK with. Obviously, anything formalized or binding would need to go through your attorneys and/or judge, but the more you can discuss outside of court or an attorney’s office, the more money you’ll save. I was able to avoid discovery by offering a relatively generous settlement offer, which …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/23 07:23 PM
5

I left the door cracked open with my ex to “unpack baggage” but she didn’t want to take me up on it. I didn’t force the issue. I think we both kind of acknowledged that neither of us were motivated enough to make the changes we wanted to see in each other. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/23 05:37 PM
2

One thing I’ve come to realize is that everyone is self-interested. I’m not stating that as a negative, just an observational fact. Attorneys bill by the hour or 15-minute increments. If they think it might result in more billable hours for them, of course they’re going to suggest it. You need to be self-interested as well. In your finances, relationships, personal and mental health, etc. No need to be rude or confrontational about it, but just firm boundaries. If you let people disrespect and t…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/23 01:03 PM
3

I guess I’m fortunate that I’m on civil, speaking terms with my ex. Part of it is because I have about a year to go on paying off my settlement, and it’s coming up on tax time. I was the petitioner. She initially took it hard, but once she realized it was done, and I wasn’t coming back, she kind of accepted it and moved on with her life. I’ve had the whole gamut of experiences of dating and relationships since my separation and divorce. I just try to treat people with kindness and respect, and h…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/23 12:56 PM
2

No kids in my case, but the best advice I could give is kind of have a proposed game plan in place before you even go to an attorney’s office. If you just go in all “Hurr, durr…Whatever you say sounds good!” of course they’re going to take you to the cleaners. I came in on my initial consultation and said, “This is what I have, this is what I want to do. Do you think this will hold up with a judge?” I believe my attorney was very fair and professional regardless, but I think it helped I was deci…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/23 12:49 PM
2

As long as you have iron-clad assurance that she has agreed to the terms, and it has her signature, you should be OK. I might have the signed agreement notarized just to be on the safe side, and get a photocopy of the signed agreement with the notary’s stamp.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/23 12:35 AM
2

Hmm…Has she explicitly waived discovery? (I’m speaking from a U.S. perspective) That’s the only way I think you could get away with not disclosing the value of those accounts. I gave a summary account of my financial holdings and assets (as did she), but avoided discovery by mutual consent.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/23 10:02 PM
5

You can forgive her for your own peace, but don’t beg her to come back. Earlier in my separation, I left the door cracked open for talk about reconciliation, but she didn’t want to go there, so I left it alone.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/23 02:56 PM
6

Dang…I feel like a failure. 😂 47M, recently divorced, no kids, fraction of your salary and/or net worth. Also a CA resident. In the court’s eyes, yeah, they’re going to look at it through the lens of 50/50. In my case, I probably got off easy, because my settlement offer was more than 50% on-paper. From what I was advised by my attorney, the court kind of takes a “snapshot” look at your current net worth at the time of petition. If you think your investments and/or income will grow significantly…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/23 03:33 AM
14

Because they’re all on r/divorce. 😏
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/23 09:20 PM
1

Depends on the state, statutorily. Beyond that, how contentious your STBX wants to make it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/23 04:27 AM
1

I had a female attorney on recommendation from a friend that had gone through a highly contentious divorce. I don’t want to make broad generalizations, but I would lean toward a woman lawyer. My settlement offer with my ex was very generous. Even at that, she initially asked for even more. If your STBX is even somewhat rational and reasonable, I’d encourage you to try to settle out-of-court. Will save you a lot of time, headache, and money.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 12:28 PM
5

When contempt outweighs compassion or caring. It just got to the point where almost everything she said or did annoyed me.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 05:05 AM
1

The “needs to” is the entirety of the settlement. If you want to negotiate full custody of the account based on the fact that you were the majority/sole contributor, that’s fine. But you have to be willing to trade something else to make the ledger come out close to 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 04:31 PM
1

“Obligated compliance.” Man…What a perfect term. That totally sums up the last few years of my marriage. And yes. It definitely leads to resentment. I honestly don’t think things will improve if you try to stick it out.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 03:18 PM
1

It all needs to come out to approximately 50/50 in the final tally, or more. In my case, my ex got more than 50%, but the choice was mine and deliberate. I was able to retain all of my investment and retirement accounts. She got the house. If her name is on it, she will probably try to make a claim. Only way around it is if you’re willing to offer something in return for approximately equivalent value (i.e. house, cars, cash settlement, etc.)
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 03:13 PM
5

Was in a similar situation. I felt I was as the 80 in the 80/20. Wife was generally pleasant, but very entitled, and expected me to shoulder most of the burden of household responsibilities. I finally got tired of “taking one for the team” all the time, and wanted out. She seemed saddened, but I don’t know if she was really surprised when I dropped the “D-bomb.” When she said “I hope this is what you want” when she drove away, I was silent. I just thought to myself, “If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t hav…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/23 12:36 AM
3

First time in 16 years. Just don’t devolve into a perpetual “pity party.” Develop some new routines and find new activities and interest groups in your area. A few months ago, I started walking 4-6 miles a day. Has helped me lose about 25 lbs. My weight loss seems to have helped get the attention of the ladies, too. 🙂 Personally, I enjoy the solitude and autonomy most of the time.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 03:11 PM
3

Just have a methodical, pragmatic plan in place. I would discreetly confer with an attorney. I personally would recommend a female lawyer for tactical reasons. Have your plan in place, and commit to a day and time. The hardest part is the anticipation and lead-up. The actual event for me was much less dramatic and volatile than I expected. I don’t know how bad your wife’s temper is. I would have a bag packed in your car with at least 2-3 days worth of clothes in it. I wasn’t sure if she was goin…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/23 04:57 PM
5

Physical beauty is fleeting and overrated. My ex was relatively attractive, but totally self-centered and entitled. I’m not saying physical attraction isn’t important, but I’d much rather have a 6 or 7 that respects and cares about me than a 9+ entitled narcissist that thinks the world revolves around her, and throws a fit whenever she doesn’t get her way.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/23 03:54 PM
1

You’ve got to put aside the subjective adjectives and look at it very pragmatically and matter-of-fact. That’s how a judge and the courts are going to look at it. I would say if you haven’t already contacted an attorney, find one. Your choices are basically a lump-sum settlement, or some kind of ongoing alimony or installment settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 11:23 PM
2

You've gotta do what's best for you. My mother owned a townhouse about 350 miles from where I was living at the time. At the time I petitioned, it was occupied, but became available fortuitously about six weeks later. For just a single guy, it's HUGE (1,300 sq ft). Living alone, I honestly don't know if I'd want anything bigger than this. If this weren't an option, I probably would have gotten a 1 BR apartment somewhere. I like u/ragingredditir's idea of being a full-time RVer. Sounds like fun. …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 01:09 AM
1

Nothing. Unless it's signed off on by the court, it's unenforceable.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/23 07:02 PM
3

I briefly had second thoughts post separation/divorce, while going through dating hell. But then I remembered what an entitled princess she was, and that I was the 80 in the 80/20. I snapped out of it REAL quick.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/23 03:41 AM
3

Not since I dropped the D-bomb. Honestly had very little affection toward my ex probably 12-18 months before our divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/23 03:24 AM
1

Too long. I’d threatened it for years. She said “Don’t make empty threats.” About a year before I actually did it, I brought it up in a joint counseling session. She pleaded with me to give her “one more chance.” Then it was the same Kabuki theater of symbolic gestures for about 2 weeks, then back to old habits. When I finally did it, we were in a guest house covered by insurance because our water heater leaked and caused extensive damage to the first floor. I had made French toast, and had an o…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/23 03:34 PM
6

Not a big fan of these "always/never" posts. That being said, if I ever re-marry, I'm definitely doing a prenup. If that's a dealbreaker to anyone, then that's a dealbreaker for the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/23 07:25 PM
3

I was the one that asked for the divorce, and to be honest, had almost no feelings for my ex in the last several years of our marriage. I was very matter-of-fact with her. She came out way ahead on the settlement (on paper) but I got most of what I wanted (all of my investments, retirement, etc. intact). She gets the house in its entirety, but has to take over the mortgage and property taxes. I am also paying a low five-figure settlement paid out over 18 months. I have no malice toward her, but …
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/23 04:36 AM
2

You should definitely get a restraining order! 😳
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 11:33 PM
1

I know it depends on your personality type, but I’m kind of a natural introvert, so alone time doesn’t bother me. I also learned to quit relying on others’ (especially women’s) validation of me. I don’t mean that in a douchey or cocky way. You just have to find your self-confidence. Desperation or neediness is a total chick-repellent, except for women looking for a guy they can control and manipulate. (No thanks!) I have been fairly active on dating apps. Know it’s going to be 80/20 in favor of …
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 05:34 PM
3

My dad was almost 50 when I was born. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 10:24 PM
13

Kind of a sh!tshow, kind of fine. I’ve come to terms with the fact the dating apps are stacked 80/20 in favor of women. I swipe right on anyone that seems relatively normal, attractive, geographically desirable, and not a total psycho. Some of them turn out to be the latter, but is what it is. 🤷🏻‍♂️ You just gotta roll with it, keep it light and casual until the 3rd or 4th date (if it gets that far), have fun.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 05:24 PM
9

I would honestly be happy for my ex if she got pregnant. We tried IVF three times, and it didn’t take. She’s 44, so her window is small, but if it’s still a dream of hers, I hope it happens. I just pity the poor sap that has to live with her. 😄
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 05:20 PM
3

I (47M) honestly waited longer than I should have. When I officially “dropped the D-bomb” it was the second time I’d broached the subject, so it wasn’t a total surprise. But I think my seriousness the second time was. I wouldn’t say she was thrilled when I petitioned, but I think she probably knew it was a matter of when, not if. For the first few weeks afterward, she couldn’t look me directly in they eyes, and had to have her father with her. Now, we text or call a few times a month. Usually ab…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 02:16 PM
1

I would try to present a reasonable settlement. I don’t have the fraction of your net worth, but I gave the ex our $1 million house (she takes over mortgage payments, though) plus a modest lump-sum settlement (paid over 18 mos) in exchange for no claim on future income, and I get to keep all of my 401(k), retirement, etc. May hurt short-term, but if your business continues to grow, you’ll probably be better off in the long term. Just my $0.02.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/23 03:48 PM
1

If things are really bitter and contentious, I would get an attorney ASAP. Even with retaining counsel, I would see if you could both basically get in the same page in terms of division of assets. The more you can agree on up-front, the more it will save both of you in attorney’s fees. Mediation is cheaper, but it requires you to be civil and in agreement with each other. I initially wanted to go this route, but the ex had already had a consultation with an attorney, and I felt I had to do likew…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/23 04:31 PM
1

I think I honestly felt an indifference and a low-level contempt toward my wife for probably the last 4-5 years of our marriage. So I wasn’t particularly anguished when I asked for the divorce (I know statistically, I’m in the minority). She initially took it a lot harder than I did. We still occasionally call or text (she usually initiates) but it’s typically along the lines of (“I got some mail for you” or “How do you do this?” (her to me). I left the door cracked open for kind of a post-morte…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/23 04:13 PM
14

I had a female attorney, and was very happy with her representation. If you could find a highly recommended one, I would say it would be in your interest to find a woman for two reasons (just my own opinion) 1) They seem to be more results-oriented and less ego-driven than male attorneys (in my experience). My ex had a male attorney and it seemed like his paralegal did about 90% of the work on her case, and there were frequent miscommunications and misunderstandings. Although I did interact occa…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/22 11:33 PM
1

I just gave my ex the house outright as part of the settlement on the condition she take over the mortgage payments, in exchange for me keeping 100% of my retirement and investments, and no claim on future income, beyond a $25k cash settlement. No kids in our case. If it’s a finite time that you’re going to be under the same roof, I would ask her to give you a lump-sum payment as per of the general settlement, or just waive it. I know on paper, my offer was very generous, but I wanted a quick ag…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/22 03:27 PM
1

I honestly rarely think about my ex anymore, except when the settlement payment comes out of my bank account! 😜 We live in the same state, but about 400 miles apart. I interact with her by phone or text maybe 1-2 times a month. Usually kind of nuts-and-bolts stuff about accounts, payments, random mail we still get for each other.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/22 06:17 PM
2

First question...Does she have a lawyer? If she does, I would highly advise you to get one. The more you can agree to in principle in advance, the less expensive it will be. If she's super argumentative and contentious, it could be expensive, but all the more reason to retain counsel. I know $6-7k seems expensive, but if your attorney is good, it's well worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/22 06:15 PM
2

My wife hardly had any friends outside of her family. I think most of my friends knew our marriage was troubled before I was willing to admit it. Although I moved out-of-area from where I’d lived for the last 16 years, I’ve stayed in touch with most of my friends, and went back down to the area recently. I consider myself an introvert, but I make friends more easily than my wife.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/22 05:57 AM
2

My ex and her family didn’t complain about the generosity of my offer, but if it were any less, they would have.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 04:53 PM
18

I feel I was extremely generous to my ex, even to the point of my own divorce attorney questioning my generosity. If she can’t figure it out with what I left her, I can’t help her. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 02:40 PM
1

No kids, she got the house, but took over the mortgage. I honestly don’t know or care if her parents co-signed. All I know is she qualified for the refi, and I’m not on the hook for it anymore. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/22 06:08 AM
7

Betrayal of trust. In my case, it was my wife sharing something very personal about our relationship even after I told her I wish she wouldn’t. It was kind of “death by a thousand cuts” leading up to that, but that’s what put me over the edge.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/22 05:47 AM
3

There is no "right" answer. I don't think there's any harm in getting out there once the separation is out in the open, and separation/divorce is agreed-to in principle. I started dating about 3 months after my separation. I was still legally married when I went on some of my earlier dates, which was kind of deal-killer for some of the women. Now I'm totally emancipated, other than my settlement payout over the next 18 months. I would say just be aware that some women may get cold feet if it's "…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/22 05:51 PM
6

Better make sure of two things: 1) The country you’re going to doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S. 2) You’re OK with never returning to your home country.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 08:16 PM
3

Yeah, my reaction was strangely anti-climactic when I got the news, too. I remember saying to myself, “Well, I guess that’s that!” 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 03:05 AM
1

Yeah. Be as pragmatic and rational about it as possible. Moving is a major PITA, and something I definitely don’t want to do more often than necessary. I don’t know what your financial or work situation is, but another possibility is becoming a full-time RV-er. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 11:30 PM
2

Only do what you’re legally obligated to do. If every communication with her is a sh!tshow, then yeah, limit contact.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 09:33 PM
2

6 month minimum. 😕
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 09:32 PM
2

I didn’t have a solid plan when I dropped the “D-bomb” other than moving in with mom temporarily and ‘figuring things out.’ My mom had a rental property closer to her that was occupied when I petitioned. She said, “Well, if he gives notice, that will be available.” I thought: “Ha! What are the odds of that?!” As luck would have it, the month after I petitioned, the tenant gave notice, and it would become available by April 1. I love my mom dearly, but I’m glad I don’t live under the same roof wi…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 06:14 PM
2

I initially considered mediation, and maybe it could have worked, but ended up getting an attorney, and don't regret that I did. My ex and I agreed on most parts of the settlement in principle, except for the cash settlement amount. She initially wanted $100k. I said no way. I initially countered at $10k. I could tell unless I cut to the chase, there would probably be a lot of back-and-forth, and a lot of needless attorney's fees. With the knowledge of my attorney, I reached out directly to my e…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 05:04 AM
1

All I can share is my personal experiences. I jumped into the dating pool pretty quickly. Had a lot of 1 or 2 meeting dates. Had a couple of hookups. They were somewhat fun in the moment, but not very fulfilling. I'm open to having another sexual relationship, but this time, I want it to mean something. I think going forward, I want to wait until at least the third date to bring up sex, and the fourth or later to actually do it. Of course, rules are made to be broken, and if we're seriously vibi…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 03:13 AM
1

Not all attorneys are expensive. The more specific you can be with your settlement proposal, the cheaper it will be. Also, if you think your wife is willing to settle in principle outside of an attorney's office, it will cut way down on the cost. Some attorneys advise NOT to talk to your spouse outside of communications through the attorneys, but mine was perfectly fine with me talking to my now-ex outside of legal negotiations. From start to finish, my attorney's fees were about $6,000, which I…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 03:06 AM
1

With accessories, yes. You need to get the vacuum hose attachment and storage jars. They used to come with the hose included, but I don’t know if they do now. Maybe I just lost mine. For soup, something else I’ve seen is just batch cook it, portion it into bags and freeze it. I should look into homemade salad dressings. Been doing the TJ’s bag salads too. Downside is the portion size is like for a family of four (as a side) so it’s like the same salad for four days. 🤷🏻‍♂️😄 #bachelorproblems
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 02:49 PM
4

I've lately become a big fan of Trader Joe's pre-marinated meats. They are somewhat high-sodium, so if that's a concern, maybe not the best choice. I also have a Food Saver vacuum sealer. I portion out what I want/need for that meal, and put the rest in a vacuum seal bag. My go-to meal is 8-12 ounces of meat (chicken (pesto, shawarma, or pollo asado) , or I'm a fan of TJ's Bulgoghi) cooked on my countertop grill (basically a "George Foreman"), spinach stir-fried in Lee Kum Kee Chow Chiu garlic c…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 03:00 AM
1

No kids in my case, but I offered a lump sum settlement (but gave myself 18 months to pay it), and made sure to specifically put no claim on future income in the settlement beyond the lump sum amount. I also released all interest in the house, but she had to take over the mortgage. She initially wanted $100k lump sum. My "best and final" offer was $25k, which she accepted. If it's in your means to do a lump sum, and it would "close the books" on things, I'd recommend it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 02:53 AM
1

Not especially. She wasn't/isn't unattractive. It was mainly the mismatch in our personalities and expectations that drove us apart. I still consider her objectively somewhat attractive. I actually don't have a particularly strong dislike for her, as strange as that sounds (we are divorced, after all). The last few years of our marriage, I kind of alternated between indifference and contempt, probably leaning more toward the latter the closer I got to dropping the D-bomb.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/22 08:45 PM
1

Wow. I never even had to appear in court once! Sounds like I got off easy.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/22 05:10 PM
2

I can relate to this somewhat, but in my case I was the LLM. I just had very little desire to initiate intimacy. My ex had very casual hygiene habits, which was a turnoff. She also had an extremely entitled attitude, and always had a lengthy “honey do” list. When we were doing household projects, she’d often just sit her butt down and observe, rather than actively helping and participating. I told her many times I wish she’d take her hygiene habits more seriously, but it went in one ear and out …
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/22 01:51 PM
2

I recently went through this. My car had a loan balance, and both our names were on the registration/title. As part of the settlement agreement, I said I wanted my car. I agreed to pay off the loan balance, and in turn, she agreed to release interest in it. I now have a sole free & clear pink slip. Someone has to take financial responsibility for the loan or lease if you have one. If it’s within your means, I would pay it off. That’s the “cleanest” way. If it’s paid for, should be just a matter …
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 08:35 AM
1

Excellent! 😄
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/22 04:57 AM
2

I got a referral from a friend that went through a particularly nasty and contentious divorce. He recommended his attorney highly, and I don't regret going with his recommendation. My attorney happened to be a woman. I don't want to over-generalize, but I would recommend a female attorney because they "think like a woman" and they seem to be a little less ego-driven than male attorneys. My ex had a male attorney, and he barely lifted a finger on her case, and had his paralegal do most of the wor…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 10:43 PM
1

My understanding is what the judge/court is going to look for is basic equability in the division of assets. In my case, my ex got more than 50% of assets on-paper, but I know over the long-term, I'll be fine, and I didn't want to divide or give over any of my investments or retirement accounts. I basically gave her the house and a modest cash settlement, in exchange for no claim on future income, investments, or assets (beyond the agreed-to settlement). The judgment was approved about as quickl…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 10:38 PM
3

Can relate. 16 years feeling like a servant and roommate rather than a husband. When I finally got word from my attorney that the court had approved the judgment, I was kind of emotionless. Not happy, not sad. Just kind of matter-of-fact.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 05:28 AM
1

Can't really relate. I don't think I was "in love" with my ex for a long time, if ever. We're still in periodic communication. Generally pleasant and top-level. I do sometimes go back and go through "coulda, woulda, shoulda" in my mind, but you can't undo the past. And even if I would have done some things differently, I don't think it would have changed some of the deeply ingrained habits and patterns we both had. Not really mad. My only regret is I didn't do this sooner, when I was younger and…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/22 08:11 PM
2

I was really emotionless when I finally got the news the court had accepted the judgment. I wasn't elated, I wasn't crushed. Maybe a little bit of anger and regret for the 16 wasted years of my life, but more kind of resigned acceptance. Full disclosure: I was the petitioner. Ex and I are still on civil, talking terms.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/22 02:45 PM
2

Not exactly the same scenario, but when I petitioned, I didn’t have a solid plan for living arrangements other than moving back in with mom temporarily until I got back on my feet. Providentially, a tenant in one of my mom’s rental properties gave notice about a month after I petitioned, and she offered it to me for a competitive rate. I was also generous with my ex, giving her a $1 million home, and a $25,000 cash settlement paid out over 18 months. The conditions were I got to keep 100% of my …
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 09:26 PM
1

This situation sounds salvageable. In my case, I just saw very little chance for meaningful change. And I got plenty of nagging, angry outbursts, laziness, entitlement, etc. My dating/social life has been a bit of a sh!tshow since the divorce, but I expected there would be a bit of a transitional period. I think just some calm heart-to-heart talks might help patch things up. Don’t file unless you think your situation is beyond hope.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 06:34 PM
1

For my settlement offer, I know I erred on the side of generosity. But I wanted a quick, non-contentious settlement, which is what I got. Some people thought I got screwed (or was screwing myself) but I made the initial proposal, and knew exactly what I was doing. On the upside, she agreed to no claim on future income (beyond an agreed-to cash settlement to be paid out over 18 months), and I get to keep all my investments and retirement accounts untouched.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/22 04:31 AM
4

Where do I start? I’ve posted many times in this sub-Reddit, but the Cliff’s Notes version is I felt taken for granted, treated like a servant, no real change on her part, and honestly toward the end felt very little intimate interest in her. She was not objectively unattractive, but her personality and self-centeredness were a big turn-off. I finally got to the point where I asked myself, “Can I take this for another 30-40 years?” to which the decisive answer was “No.” Fortunately in my case, n…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/22 09:12 PM
3

I retained an attorney. In retrospect, probably could have done more of it DIY, but she lawyered up, so I thought I should too to protect myself. We avoided discovery, and came to a mutual agreement. I think I was at about $5,000 all-in.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/22 06:38 PM
3

Yes. It’s what I did, and we avoided discovery and a lot of unnecessary expense and headache. We went back & forth a couple of times, and I finally laid out my “best & final” offer, which she agreed to.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/22 12:48 AM
1

Eh…Willing to give it a shot. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/22 12:34 AM
1

I can relate. Went through a lot of the same things. In terms of the refi, tough s#!t. The only other option is a quitclaim deed, which is a “lose-lose” for you. You lose rights to the property in the eyes of the government, but if she falls behind in payments, it will still impact your credit. She will have to do a refi whether she likes it or not. Yeah, interest rates are kind of high right now, but that’s not something you have any control over. In terms of the other accounts related to the h…
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/22 04:01 PM
1

Just repeated patterns, and not really changing behaviors or habits, or having a motivation to. I finally got to the point where I asked myself, “Can I take another 30-40 years of this?” The answer was a resounding “No.” I kind of figured the time was “now or never.” Do I have some regrets about past decisions, and things I could have possibly done differently that might have helped our marriage? Sure. But when I finally made the decision to end it, I didn’t have any regrets about that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/22 03:56 PM
1

LOL. Can’t relate. I really don’t have strong feelings for my ex one way or the other. To be honest, that’s kind of the same way I felt for most of my marriage. I don’t wish her ill, but neither do I long for her or obsess about her. We occasionally communicate still. Typically about settlement-related issues, but sometimes other things. I’d say make new friends or find an activity or hobby you enjoy to help get your mind off her.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/22 03:51 PM
10

I had two casual hookups after my divorce. Neither of them were very satisfying. My marriage was basically sexless. I do have some issues with ED. I was very self-conscious about it, but neither of my HUs complained, and one of them even complimented my endowment LOL. I am in a LDR with a woman who is (morally) conservative, but very educated and intelligent. I swore I wouldn’t do a LDR, but here I am. Planning to visit her in a few months. I plan on visiting some other friends on the same trip,…
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/22 03:39 PM
3

LOL. That’s about three-quarters of this sub-Reddit! I’m not going to prescribe moral judgment one way or the other. All I would say is if you decide to get into a relationship with someone, just make sure you’re both on the same terms and understanding with it. If she’s expecting exclusivity, and you feel you should be free to “explore your options” that’s not the basis of a healthy dynamic. If you’re both fine with each other being non-exclusive, also fine. I don’t know exactly where I am yet.…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/22 02:46 PM
3

I’m 47 (technically tomorrow, but who’s counting?) The youngest woman I’ve had a date with was 35. I’m currently in kind of an LDR flirt/chat with a 42 y/o. I’m not having a hard time finding women, just quality women. 😄 The LDR one seems promising (we’ve FaceTimed quite a bit, and text and talk often). I’ve made tentative plans to travel to meet her in March. We’ll see. We’re both technically seeing other people (i.e. not exclusive) and have agreed to keep it that way until we meet IRL. Depends…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/22 05:26 AM
3

I don’t know if you’d call it a “physical sport” but I’m walking 10-14k steps a day now. I’m down 30 lbs. from my peak weight, and about 20 since I petitioned for the divorce. If it helps your mental and physical health, go for it! 👍🏼
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/22 06:11 AM
4

Nope. One-way ticket. Women think it’s their prerogative and birthright to be fickle and change their mind at any moment. You just need to tell her, “Words mean things. I’m glad you had the realization of what you had, but I’ve moved on. I wish you well, but we’re not getting back together.”
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/22 06:08 AM
7

I can only speak from my personal experience. For one thing, I know when I finally dropped the “D-bomb” it wasn’t a total surprise, because I’d already broached the topic about a year earlier with our couples’ therapist (at the time). My ex pleaded for me to give her “one more chance.” I foolishly relented. Unsurprisingly, it was the same old pattern of turning on the charm offensive for about two weeks, then a reversion to old habits. On the day-of, I was pleasant, and cooked a French Toast bru…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/22 03:45 AM
1

I actually don’t mind it. I’ve learned to improvise with different ingredients/leftovers. For instance, chopped tomatoes and onions you can use on tacos, an omelette, sautéed with some spinach, etc. You just gotta be creative. I did most of the cooking in my previous marriage anyway. I’m surprised my ex hasn’t starved to death yet. 😆 From the sound of things, she’s going out to dinner with her parents every other night, and living off the leftovers. 😄
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/22 02:47 AM
2

Move on. It won’t get better. She sounds like a fickle manipulator. I was in a lopsided, fairly loveless marriage for 16 years. Try to find some women that are OK with just “having fun.” Obviously take precautions, but allow yourself to just have some fun for a while before you jump back into a committed relationship. Just my 2¢.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 07:11 PM
1

The best advice I can give is be very clear up-front with your lawyer what your objectives are, come well-prepared and have done your research, both on your personal situation, and the likelihood to get your desired outcome. If you come into their office a blubbering mess, and begging them to help you, they see $$ written all over that. 🤑 Make it clear to them you’re nobody’s fool, and you’re not going to accept them sending you exorbitant bills for just basic process and procedures.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/22 08:36 PM
1

I don’t understand this. My ex is my ex for a reason. If I’m going to be a father, it won’t be with her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/22 08:17 PM
2

46M, recently divorced, no kids. I know not all cases are the same, but I’ll share what I did. Ex wanted house + $100k. I said “no way.” My initial counter was house +$10k. Wanting to avoid a prolonged legal battle and attorney fees, I put forth a “best and final” offer of house + $25k. She accepted. Our attorneys talked, and came up with a jointly agreed-to settlement that was presented to the judge. It’s was signed off pretty quickly. On-paper, she came out WAY ahead, with the house being wort…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/22 05:16 AM
6

Wow. By the time I petitioned, I was done, done, done. No lovey-dovey feelings whatsoever. Just said “I want a divorce” and started taking the necessary steps. We have been civil toward each other for most of our time apart, focusing on the pragmatic matters of the separation. Only once did I flirt with the idea of reconciliation. But it was brief. And I reminded myself that after 16 years of the same-old, same-old, did I really expect things to be different this time. The answer was a resoundin…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/22 01:04 PM
1

I negotiated a payout over 18 months. No kids involved, so that simplified things. Court signed off on the settlement right on schedule. My offer was way more than 50/50 (in her favor) on paper, but I’m confident I’ll be fine in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 02:12 PM
0

Wow. Such bitterness and toxicity in this thread! I always try to take the reasoned and rational route. Sometimes it’s not always possible or reciprocated. I would definitely advise retaining counsel, however.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 03:01 AM
1

Need more info. Kids? Property? 🤔
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/22 12:39 AM
4

Congrats! Actually just signed over the interest in our mortgage to my ex today. That was part of our agreed-to settlement, and is making this feel more official and final.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/22 09:56 PM
2

My attorney was a woman, and I thought she was fantastic. I know this is a generalization, but my impression is that female family law attorneys are more results-oriented and less ego-driven than male attorneys. My ex had a male attorney, and he hardly did any of the work on her case himself. His paralegal did the majority of work, and it showed. Most of my strategic consultations were directly with my attorney. I only interacted with the paralegal in regards to billing, paperwork and scheduling…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/22 02:15 PM
1

Somewhat similar to my situation, although not as extreme (in some respects). Highly entitled, spoiled wife, few life skills, and little motivation. Having hung in for 16 (mostly miserable) years, I can tell you the situation most likely will not get better. Get out sooner rather than later. Even though it might be a financial stretch for you, considering her and her family’s resources, get an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/22 01:57 PM
1

I briefly flirted with the thought of reconciliation, but got over it. Aspects of the bachelor life are hard/awkward, but definitely better than what I was in.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/22 07:01 AM
2

I left the wedding portrait and other pics of the two of us behind. That may sound cold, but I kind of wanted a clean break. I still have a few photos of her on my phone, but I haven't deleted them. We are still on civil speaking terms, for the most part.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/22 08:46 PM
2

Other than a few off-site meetings, I rarely saw my (now ex) wife in-person after the day I told her I wanted a divorce. Our house was undergoing renovations, so we necessarily had to have conversations and meetings with contractors about material selection, etc. But she consciously avoided being in the same place as me at the same time for the most part. We have had civil phone conversations since, but there was never a grand, ceremonial "goodbye." No kids in our case, so that won't be an issue…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/22 03:40 AM
3

I would assume. My spouse signed off on everything pretty expeditiously, so that moved things along. I don’t know if there’s a way to legally compel them to sign off on it more quickly. My understanding in some jurisdictions, if there’s no response from the respondent within a certain period of time, it kind of “times out” and is considered de facto “settled.”
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/22 12:30 AM
1

There’s not a pat, standard answer. Varies state-by-state and by country. California has a mandatory 6-month “cooling off” period. My judgment was signed off by my spouse and approved by the court at about month 7. I agreed to a settlement payout spread over 18 months. No kids in my case, which made things simpler. Also depends on how contentious or agreeable your spouse is. In my case, we came to an agreement pretty quickly, because I think we were both motivated to wrap things up and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/22 11:54 PM
2

Congrats! My situation was very different, and I was probably overly-generous with my settlement, but also had a quick, uncontested resolution.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/22 11:22 PM
28

Not surprised. She’s no dummy. She had a prenup. Kind of makes me wonder why she bothered tying the knot in the first place. She’s probably got a line of guys around the block she could pick from.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/22 07:49 PM
2

I know my situation was different (no kids) but don’t ask for permission. Make your feelings and intentions clear, and that you are resolute. There will be some initial backlash and tantrums, but stay focused and stoic. Post-separation, you will have fleeting moments of doubt and remorse, but they are temporary. I temporarily considered reconciling, but as soon as I had that thought, I called a timeout on myself and unpacked that thought. I concluded I made the right decision, and that the chanc…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 11:37 PM
1

Unfortunately, this is one of the worst times in recent memory to refinance, but I have no control over the economy and interest rates. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I think she’s probably getting a little help from her parents for the house payments, but that’s her business. I just knew if we started getting really tit-for-tat and 50/50 about things, it would become a total sh!tshow, which I wanted to avoid.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 02:19 PM
2

Just kind of wanted a clean break, she said she wanted to stay in the house, and I didn’t want to have to divide my investments. I know in time I’ll be fine. I know on-paper, the settlement is very lopsided in her favor, but I didn’t want to deal with a long, drawn-out contentious separation.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/22 11:55 PM
7

She got the $1 million house (although she has to refi and take over the payments) I keep my investments, and $25,000 paid out over 18 months. Her initial ask was house + $100k. I said “no way.” I initially countered $10k cash. I got tired of playing games, and finally said, “Best and final, house + $25k cash.” She agreed.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/22 03:38 PM
2

LOL. I’m the exact opposite. I have a 2019 Model 3 that she has co-title on. I explicitly have it in the settlement proposal that I want the car. She’s offered to let me keep using it as long as I make payments on it. I’d rather pay it off and have sole title to it. Not that I think she’d hold the car “hostage” or try to play games with it, but I’d rather have a clean break, and no dispute over who owns what. She has a 2013 Ford Escape that’s paid off.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/22 06:23 PM
9

Sorry you’re going through what you are. My current life is a little messy, but in some ways, I’ve never been happier. Objectively, my current house is a “downgrade” from what I had, but it’s plenty for a single guy, and I LOVE my new neighborhood. I don’t know your exact situation and history, but don’t lose hope or faith. Almost to a man…There’s a “lean” period, or a period of remorse or second thoughts. Just power through it, focus on yourself, and becoming a better human being. Heck…I feel l…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/22 03:31 AM
6

Don't get too attached to things. In my case, (46M, no kids) I was willing to give her the house, with a favorable equity position, in exchange for her not making any claim on my personal investments. On-paper, she's coming out WAY ahead with the initial settlement. But I know in time, my investments will probably be worth more than the house. Because the judgment is so lopsided (deliberately) and I was willing to give a cash settlement, (and give myself 18 months to pay for it), I'm letting mys…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/22 01:33 AM
5

STBXW’s attorney submitted a discovery packet to mine, and I told mine to do the same for her. STBXW freaked out about the “huge stack of papers and requests” from me. I said, “Well, that’s what you asked me for.” I guess her attorney (or more accurately paralegal) preemptively decided to move forward with the discovery process without my X’s expressed consent. I just told her straight out “We can do this the easy way or the hard way. We can hammer out a settlement and skip discovery, or if you’…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 11:41 PM
2

Am on civil terms with both my STBXW and family members, but all communication is strictly related to the settlement and division of possessions and assets. Once the judgment is finalized, I see no reason to maintain contact with them. No kids involved.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 03:10 AM
2

This...☝🏼 I also thought, "I'm over my STBXW. I mourned before I petitioned!" Yeah, well...My "game" isn't as good as I thought it was. I fell hard for an OLD match after two dates, after which, she said she was seeing someone else. To be honest, I went on a date with someone else too, so I guess I can't be too hard on her. I'm not saying not to put yourself out there, and be proactive, but just take it cool, and don't become too overly attached too quickly. I'm learning the "slow burn" approach…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:34 AM
2

Yeah. Really hit off an unexpected friendship with a brassy, bold, curvy liberal woman. Not really my "type" in a number of ways, but we seem to get each other, and often have 1+ hour long phone chats. Usually about food. 😄 Sometimes you've just got to be open to where life takes you. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:00 AM
0

Good point to keep in mind. 💡
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 06:48 PM
2

That’s exactly the approach I’m taking with this. I think improved self-awareness can only help.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 06:26 PM
2

Maybe not, but I asked for specific examples, and what she shared seemed valid.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:59 PM
7

For all those that told me “Don’t rush it.” They’re right. I thought I had a connection with this one woman I went out with twice, and she friend-zoned me, and basically told me I was “clueless” for not seeing the signs she wasn’t interested. My relationship perception skills are clearly rusty after being out of practice for so long. Honestly, my judgment still isn’t finalized, so I think I’m probably just going to kind of dial back the enthusiasm and participation on apps or the bar scene until…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/22 01:01 PM
3

I grieved before I petitioned. By the time I petitioned, I was over her and the marriage long before. Thankfully no kids involved.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 05:40 AM
1

It doesn’t take full-blown PIV or BJ for it to be indefinitely. That said, if you’re contrite, and asked for forgiveness, and she’s willing to reconcile, and most importantly, if you think it’s worth saving, try to salvage it. Otherwise, might be time for a hard, but necessary sit-down.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 06:39 PM
8

As u/Snowbirdy said, it matters if you go through the discovery process. My STBXW and I voluntarily decided to skip that and go straight to a settlement. My current conundrum is I had an interview for a new job that would likely pay quite a bit more than my current one. As the settlement draft is currently written, she agrees to take it "as is" and forego any claim on future income, which would make it irrelevant. I don't have a formal offer yet, but if I do get it, I feel like I should probably…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/22 04:38 AM
3

With you 100% 👊🏼. I'm in a similar situation. I'm probably 1-2 months from having the final judgment submitted. I have no regrets other than not having done it years earlier. I've gone on several dates, and am about to go on a second one with a woman I really like. Not that it matters, but 10 years younger. 😉 Sometimes...It just gets to the point when you look up at yourself in a mirror and say, "I can't do this anymore." No judgment. Sounds like you're there. Good luck with everything.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/22 02:32 AM
1

Thankfully, this wasn't much of an issue. I got almost all the physical possessions I wanted, and then some. There were a few things I kind of wanted, that the STBXW also wanted, but weren't super attached to, so I let her have them. Even after I moved out, she said she found some things she knew were mine, and put them in a box and shipped them to me. I would just document and take pictures of her things you still have, and give her an ultimatum to pick them up (30 days, 90 days, etc.) and tell…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:55 PM
3

My STBXW have grown apart politically/philosophically over the years, but I wouldn't say that was at the root of our problems. I have many liberal and conservative friends. The main thing is that she just had a deeply ingrained entitlement mentality, and the expectation that I would do everything for her. Aside from college (where mom & dad paid all her bills, and she didn't have to work) she lived at home her whole life before we got married. She had very few independent life skills, and never …
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 08:43 PM
2

In talking with others that have slightly older kids (teen/college-age) the kids are probably a lot more aware of the relationship dynamics and brokenness than you realize, so chances are he knows things aren’t going swimmingly. If you haven’t already, maybe time for a sit-down with him, either individually or jointly about what things will probably look like going forward. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 05:27 PM
2

Are there kids involved? In my case there aren’t, which has made proceedings smoother. Thankfully, negotiations have been pretty civil and straightforward with my STBXW. On track for an agreed-upon settlement within 6 months of the initial petition (the mandatory minimum in my state). What finally tipped the scales for me, was that I saw an utter unwillingness to change on part of my wife. It was always just a reversion to old habits over and over. I’m not trying to make myself out to be a saint…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 04:55 PM
3

No kids…But going on every date possible with women I find interesting. 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 11:20 PM
1

I can relate to this on so many levels! Also married 16 years, no kids. No infidelity (as far as I'm aware of). The main difference in my case is my wife worshiped her father, so she's probably bugging the h#ll out of him for advice now. Same deal...In her 40s, and almost no independent life skills. Well...She's learning the hard way now! As part of the settlement, I'm basically giving her our $1 million house. On a purely net asset value basis, that's currently WAY more than 50% of our combined…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/22 04:44 AM
1

I’m not saying it’s not possible, I just personally have no desire. She was extremely demanding during our marriage, and made minimal effort to reciprocate. If we have any relationship at all, it will definitely be arms-length.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 02:11 AM
2

I offered for us to co-habitate during the separation, but she wanted nothing of it. Fine with me…I offered. 🤷🏻‍♂️ My wife has a very “binary” view of the world (good/bad, right/wrong, love/hate). She didn’t have much room for nuance. Of course, she immediately moved back in with her parents. I have no malice toward my STBXW, but neither do I want to be “besties.” I have maintained cordial contact with her, but once the final settlement is negotiated, I don’t see us being especially close friend…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 02:00 AM
2

Haha…So my story along these lines is I did all my financial homework for my attorney. And they submitted it to my wife’s attorney. On her side, the paralegal did most of the work, and kind of seemed like a ditz. Her attorney sent over a request for discovery. My attorney asked what I wanted to do. I said, “Everything they’re asking from us, ask from them.” About a week later, STBXW called up in a panic saying she got a huge stack of paperwork from my attorney asking her for a bunch of financial…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 05:00 AM
4

LOL...Familiar refrain...I could tell something to my wife until I was blue in the face, and she wouldn't listen to me. She could hear the exact same thing from her dad, and parrot it back to me, and accept it as gospel truth. I'd politely remind her, "Where did you hear that first?" 😏 Then I'd joke to her, "I guess you need to hear it from him first to believe it."
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 03:13 PM
1

Get a new lawyer. Sounds like the lawyer you contacted is lukewarm about taking on your case. You need to find someone that will be a “fighter” for you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 01:08 AM
3

Heck…If you have a pickup or larger SUV, maybe consider a travel trailer! Make an adventure out of it! 🤷🏻‍♂️😊
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 10:45 PM
3

Have you thought about asking for a restraining order? As much as it may gall you, if you have the financial means, you may consider just getting a basic studio apartment away from the house so you can physically separate, and "get the clock running" as you say. I was fortunate in that I had a family-owned property that became available right around the time I petitioned, so things just providentially fell into place. I know that's not how it works for everyone.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 10:09 PM
3

There has to be reciprocity, and if it wasn't demonstrated during the marriage, it sure ain't going to in the separation...After she got over the initial shock, I think my STBXW accepted that it was a one-way street. Since then, our communications and negotiations have been pretty pragmatic and straightforward.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 02:25 AM
1

Ugh...I'm totally with you about daughters/wives that idolize their dads. 🙄 I'm all for "honoring your parents" but when every other comment out of their mouths is either how you don't measure up to their dad, or she wants to ask her dad what he thinks, I'm like..."You're a grown-@$$ woman! You can't formulate your own opinions on things?"
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 10:28 PM
3

Complex situation, but if I had to bullet-point it, it’d probably be the following: 1) Judgment: I resented feeling judged and shamed whenever I failed, whether in areas of intimacy, career or projects. I pointed this out to her, and she did it less later in the marriage, but the damage was done, and it was hard for me to move past that. 2) Constant Comparison to Her Father: My STBXW obviously idolized her father. But I got tired of constantly hearing, “That’s not how my dad would have done it.”…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 06:35 PM
1

Absolutely not! This still leaves you “on the hook” and potentially endangers your credit if there are any missed payments. Refi is the only real option. Sucks for whoever’s taking over the loan right now, but that’s just kind of how it is. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 02:38 PM
4

Somewhat u/Aypos. Kind of the toxic Evangelical Trump-supporter type. The church we were going to for a while was suffocatingly conservative and fundamentalist. Outwardly, it didn't seem so bad, because it's not like they forced the women to wear head coverings and skirts. But when it came to dogma and practice, the teachings of the head pastor were not to be questioned. And if you did, he'd smugly explain why he was right and you were wrong. I used to be more conservative, but I would consider …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 05:37 AM
3

I know you're going to get the standard pat answer of "Don't." I'll give you something maybe a little more helpful. Just getting out of a 16-year dysfunctional marriage, make sure that it's a true partnership, and not a servant/master relationship. I'm not saying you have to be some domineering, misogynistic "Alpha Bro" but don't just kow-tow to her every wish and command. Expect some level of reciprocity. I don't think that's unfair or irrational. Another thing for me is a woman that's lived in…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 05:32 AM
1

About three months after the submission of the petition. Nothing serious, just brushing up my social skills. I won't commit to anything serious or binding until the settlement is accepted by the court. I am up-front with my dates about my situation and status.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 01:00 AM
5

Are there kids involved? Certainly meet the obligations of any court-ordered spousal or child support, but beyond that, you should not feel any guilt or obligation about her circumstances. Am I a little concerned about how my STBXW will do after our divorce? Somewhat. But I was tired of being her daddy-by-proxy, and that's the main reason we split. At 43 years old, she's going to have to learn how to "adult" eventually. My settlement with her is more than generous, and several people, including …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 12:52 AM
7

Went to dozens and dozens of couples' therapy sessions, joined a couples ministry at a church, but they were all external band-aids and window dressing that didn't address the root issue which is that my wife didn't want to change, and after a while, once I realized that, I didn't want to change either. We just gradually grew apart, to the point where I could honestly say I had low-level contempt for her. By the time I verbalized my intention to divorce, I had already mentally checked out about …
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 02:27 PM
1

I was fortunate in that a housing situation about 350 miles away became available for me. I jumped at the chance. No. I wouldn't necessarily move out-of-area just to avoid her, but if it gives you that much discomfort and mental anguish, then it's something to consider.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 12:59 AM
2

If the STBX is still in the house, I'd consider that a little awkward. I'm near the end stages of my settlement negotiation, but living 350 miles away from my ex. Have gone on several dates with varying levels of success. But absolutely no guilt about getting out and meeting people. Heck, if I hit it off, and we come back to my place, (or hers) still no guilt. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. But I'm not putting my social life on-blast on social media, either. Keeping it discreet.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 06:06 PM
1

I’ve had the best luck on Match and Coffee Meets Bagel. The rest are full of a bunch of spammers and fake accounts, in my experience.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 04:23 AM
2

WTF man? Was the breakup that hard? I've been on four or five dates with women, and I only petitioned in February '22! Maybe it's because I was over my STBXW before I even told her I wanted a divorce. Nothing serious has developed yet. Just get out there, get online, etc. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I'm not even that great of a specimen myself, objectively. Mid 40s, dad-bod (but also no kids). Don't know what to tell you...You just have to project confidence, and be a little aloof. Neediness or desperation are turn-o…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 11:51 PM
1

This could go any number of ways. As soon as my STBXW said she had contacted an attorney, I did as well. I initially wanted to take the mediation route, and that might have worked, but I don't regret retaining counsel, because in my case, I think my attorney has represented me well, and hasn't killed me with fees. I have had some direct communication with the STBXW, which I feared my attorney would be upset about, but she (my attorney) wasn't. If anything, it helped expedite the process and cut …
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/22 09:52 PM
1

Speaking as a 46M in a nearly sexless marriage for nearly 16 years, 3 unsuccessful attempts at IVF, and a highly critical/OCD/controlling wife, if there's not mutuality in the affection and love, cut your losses and move on. You've just got to be kind of stoic and pragmatic about it. Easier said than done for some, I know. Maybe this is why I haven't had much success with women, but as soon as I sense narcissism, negativity, an obsessive need to control things, or a total lack of reciprocity or …
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 09:15 PM
1

Ugh…I can relate! STBXW was tied at the hip with her parents. Uncomfortably so for me a lot of the time. Most trips I took with her were with “the tribe.” Good call.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 12:20 AM
1

Congrats. At least you're getting some kudos. Seems like I get trolled whenever I share my date stories. I guess I need to "score" to get some attaboys. I have several possibilities I'm in communication with right now. I'm just enjoying doing what I want when I want at the moment. 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 04:58 AM
2

This may sound harsh, but I think I would say in the last two years of my marriage, I had little to no feelings of love or affection toward my wife. I still cared about her, as I do now, but it’s more of a platonic care. I just came to the realization of how fundamentally different we were in terms of our personalities, desires, and expectations in a relationship, and the realization that neither of us were really willing to change that much. I see zero chance of us reconciling.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 07:57 PM
2

Wow…I guess my posts just attract the trolls. I share my meetup/dating stories, and everyone tells me to GTFO. Congrats, man. Hope things go well. Sounds like there’s mutual interest.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 01:07 PM
1

I don’t know if I’d call her “irresponsible” but definitely entitled, and unmotivated to “grow up.”
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 05:28 PM
2

Total opposite in my case. I’m actually glad for his involvement, since he’s the voice of reason and very level-headed and pragmatic. If he wasn’t involved, I think it would just be ongoing endless drama and indecision.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 01:48 PM
2

My initial consultation was no-charge. Her normal retainer fee was $5,000, but she was willing to cut that in half. Don’t expect the initial consultation to get too detailed. Just a brief exchange of the overall details of your case, and an explanation of fees and procedure.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 10:05 PM
2

Yeah, yeah…Water under the bridge. I’ve moved on. Had a second date with a other woman, and we’re about to go on our second date. 😊 Definitely playing it cooler this time around.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 11:38 PM
2

Can totally relate. Just got out of a nearly sexless 16-year marriage, and I’m horny AF right now. But I still eventually want a quality LT relationship. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but escorts are just glorified hookers, IMHO. Maybe TMI, but I’m kind of taking care of my own needs for now. At least I’m getting the endorphin hit…🤷🏻‍♂️ You gotta do what’s right for you.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 06:03 PM
3

I had some other friends say the same thing. Lesson learned. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 09:55 PM
3

For me…These are still “practice runs.” Like I said, I’ve been out of the game for so long, it’ll probably take me a little while to get my swagger back and be smooth. If something more comes of it, great. If not, fine too…🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 02:55 PM
4

We went Dutch on cocktails and appetizers. I paid a little more, because I did most of the ordering. At that point, I don’t feel whether I paid or not would have made a difference in the outcome. At least the evening wasn’t a total shi+show. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 02:18 PM
6

I hate to generalize, but Asian women immigrants tend to be uncharacteristically blunt, in my experience.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 04:30 AM
4

Since February. So, no great rush. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 02:43 AM
10

I got a female lawyer on recommendation of a friend who went through a horrible, contentious divorce. He could not recommend her highly enough. I figured, “If she could handle his sh!tshow, and he came out happy, then my case should be a cakewalk.” So far, have been very impressed with her professionalism, thoroughness, and tenacity. Sometimes I think it takes a woman to understand the mind of another woman, and use it to your strategic advantage.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 01:41 PM
1

Well…We’re about to find out…😉😄
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 04:09 AM
1

Like I said…In my dreams…😆
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 03:53 AM
1

I don't know if it's allowed in this forum or not, but I was about to post the GIF of the stampede of women running. I can't even remember what movie it was originally from, but you know what I mean...😄 Yeah right...In my dreams. 😆
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 03:16 AM
1

Me. Kind of out of providence/good fortune. I really had no solid plans after dropping the D-bomb other than “moving in with mom.” My mom had a rental property in the Monterey area that the tenant had just given notice on. She asked if I wanted it, and I said yes. After all, if I had any hope for a post-divorce love life as a 40-something, having my own place was a definite plus as opposed to taking my date “home to mom’s” for a romantic evening. 😆 Long story short, things just kind of provident…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 11:28 PM
4

I appreciate your concern and words of wisdom. Like I said, I’m going in with modest expectations, hoping I’ll be pleasantly surprised. 🤞🏼
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 03:04 PM
3

I really hope there’s genuine interest, and she’s not just some opportunist looking to take advantage of a 40-something divorcée’s loneliness, but point taken. Again, will report back later this week, assuming she doesn’t harvest my organs. 😆
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 02:19 PM
4

For me, it was a matter of realizing there were zero prospects for improvement or change. I was in denial about how hopeless the situation was for years, but finally came to terms with the fact that it was kind of “now or never.”
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/22 02:58 AM
5

I was feeling indifferent about a year before I dropped the D-bomb. Still have some personal sh!t and housekeeping I need to take care of, but in some ways, I’m happier and more peaceful than I’ve been in literally decades.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/22 02:56 AM
1

Definitely a prenup. No joint accounts/title on any property (bank accounts, houses, cars, etc.)
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 09:38 PM
0

I don’t see it as right or wrong, just a learning experience.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 08:49 PM
-2

OK. Bring the judgment…F*ck, man…🙄
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 05:19 AM
0

What's done is done...🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 02:27 AM
2

Well…I cut my finger pretty badly last week, and had to go to the ER for stitches. The doctor on call was a total stunner. I asked the bustling staff if they knew whether she was in a relationship, and they didn’t think she was. I went back today to get my stitches out. Unfortunately, she wasn’t on shift when I did, but regardless, I left a letter for the staff to give her asking her out for coffee or dinner. I had two women friends vet the letter, and both of them thought it was charming and no…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 01:33 AM
1

FWIW, it’s a quick read. I rarely read books cover-to-cover in less than a week,but I buzzed through this one in about two days.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 08:28 PM
3

Could possibly impact spousal support. Ultimately it will be up to the judge reviewing the case. You could both be forced to sell the house. I’m facing a similar scenario where the STBXW wants the house, but there’s some question as to whether she’ll qualify to take over the loan on her sole income. We may be forced to sell and split the proceeds, but we’ll see. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 08:46 PM
4

I probably have it relatively easy here from that fact that I don't have any kids. But long story short, I just couldn't bear the thought of another 30+ years of the same-old, same-old. I made the decision, and living with it. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 05:06 AM
3

It was a DB situation for me from early on. My STBXW was neither a stunner or a dud. She had a cute face. She kind of let herself go after a while, but so did I. Early on, I saw her OCD, controlling side come out, and it only got worse and intensified over the years. The final straw for me was right in the middle of COVID. I was up visiting my mother right after Thanksgiving, helping her pick out a new car, after her old one was totaled. My STBXW called saying her brother had tested positive for…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 08:11 PM
4

I did…Because I was the petitioner. 😏
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 02:14 AM
2

"One was a high rate of volume nonstop talking from the other side of the table which I felt like I was in the old Maxell Hi-Fidelity commercial." LOL...Sounds like the last 16 years of my marriage! 🤣🤣
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 07:40 PM
3

Keep things low-key. I would establish residency in whatever state has the most favorable/lenient divorce laws. However...Most likely, the state where the marriage was the longest would probably have some level of jurisdiction over it, and where your spouse is currently living. But don't quote me on that, I'm not a lawyer. Sadly, as others have noted, infidelity is rarely a major factor in divorce settlements anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 05:03 PM
3

I initially wanted to go the mediation route, but I'm glad I retained counsel. My STBXW's initial settlement proposal is VERY lopsided in her favor. My attorney rightly said that I should be $0 out of pocket in exchange for giving her full equity interest in the house, and if anything, should be getting $60,000 back from her! I told her I would be happy to relinquish any claim on the $60k, in exchange for her waiving any claim on spousal support or future income. That would be a best-case scenar…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 04:05 AM
1

No, thank YOU. As noted, our situations are eerily similar, and you have offered me very valuable and wise advice through this process. I am physically separated from my STBXW, and while it’s objectively lonelier, and temporarily more chaotic (I’m still unpacking), I am so much more peaceful. Honestly, the biggest thing that stresses me out anymore is a call, text or email from my STBXW making some wild accusation, or asking me the password to some account (which she’s wasted no time in taking o…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 06:31 AM
1

I gave the STBXW a $50 gift card for Easter. She only acknowledged it after I brought it up. The fact that she didn’t acknowledge it if her own volition speaks volumes, and it is the last gift I will give her, other than the settlement. 😏
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 03:28 AM
2

Marriage counseling only works if both partners are committed to mutual improvement. If it’s a mutual “bitch session” then yes, it’s cathartic in a way, and you have a referee to embolden you to say things you might not normally say to their face, but otherwise, it’s expensive “unloading.” In my case, it couldn’t save what was irretrievably broken. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 03:26 AM
2

LOL…A classic! 😄
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 11:06 PM
13

Yeah. No friends beyond immediate family is a MAJOR red flag for me, and frankly one of the factors in the pending divorce with my STBXW. If she doesn't have good "girl friends" then she's likely to be resentful of you hanging out with your "bros" even if it's just like once a week or so.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 06:49 PM
5

Honestly, I could care less what my STBXW is doing right now. My case is a little different since there are no kids involved, but I could care less if she’s banging another guy right now. I’m laser-focused on the settlement, and getting it resolved ASAP. I think she’s being pretty greedy with her ask, and I’m going to counter, but my goal is to have it wrapped and resolved by the 6-month statutory minimum in my state.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 05:14 AM
3

Just do it. I went through my “mourning” and self-loathing period before I dropped the D-bomb. By the time I actually verbalized it, I had already mentally moved on in my mind.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 01:02 AM
5

Ironically, I dropped the bomb right before V-day. It was either unbelievably cruel, or the most compassionate thing I could have done.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 03:01 AM
1

Nope. I quit wearing mine as soon as I got the official acceptance letter from the court. I wore it for a week or two after I dropped the "D-bomb" but kind of felt it was fake still wearing it. Some people would say it's fake and misleading if you don't wear it before the divorce is finalized. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 01:14 AM
2

Yeah. I definitely lucked out with my new accommodations. My mom had a rental property in Pacific Grove, CA (near Monterey). My original plan was just to move back with mom and “figure things out.” About 3 weeks after I’d announced my intentions, my mom called and said the tenant had given notice, and it was available. It’s a 1,300 sq ft 2BR/2BA with generously sized living and dining areas, an office/study and fireplace. The decor and fixtures are pretty dated (mid-80s) but everything works. No…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 12:55 PM
1

It can be helpful if both partners are committed to “doing the homework” and putting in the effort, but if it’s just Kabuki theater to say you “did something” it’s doomed to fail.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/22 04:20 AM
2

What lawyers are you talking to? Mine took me on for a $2,500 retainer, and I still have about $1,000 left. I’m sure I’m going to have to pay out a little more at some point, but seemed pretty reasonable, all things considered. As others have said, mediation is a cheaper option, but only if your spouse is cooperative, and you’re generally on the same page as far as the settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/22 07:53 PM
4

I would say protection of assets. Generally, anything acquired/accrued after the DOM (date-of-marriage) is generally considered community property. Any documentation of personal asset values prior to that date is valuable, since that can be considered a "carve-out" from the joint settlement. In my case, I'm kind of SOL, since I didn't keep records from that long ago, and my investment brokerage (which they claim per SEC rules) destroys all records more than 10 years old. So basically, all of my …
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/22 03:49 PM
3

I have a clear conscience about it. Some people might look at our situation and see me as selfish or narcissistic, but I had a very candid dinner and conversation with my STBXW's aunt (who is coincidentally my favorite member of her family), and we discussed some of my wife's issues, and she said she thought a case could be made for her having a legitimate disability. I was like, "That's fine, but if you have an awareness of it, and you do nothing to manage/cope with it, that's just laziness." W…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 07:03 PM
3

Sounds like classic anxiety/depression. Been dealing with the same thing with my STBXW for years, and finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I'm moving next week, and we're in process with the petition filing and attorneys.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 06:53 PM
11

Don't settle, and don't "force" chemistry if it's not there. If you see major warning signs, don't naïvely ignore them. Breaking up is a lot easier than divorcing.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 04:17 PM
5

I can somewhat comment on this. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, which if you don’t know, is EXTREMELY liberal. As a teen, my “rebellion” was embracing conservative politics, listening to Rush Limbaugh, the whole 9 yards. I went to a large private Baptist college in Texas (won’t name names, but you can probably guess), and came to find out by Baptist/conservative Evangelical standards, it was considered pretty “liberal.” I did not have any sexual experiences until after I graduated colle…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/22 11:03 PM
1

I’ll definitely check it out. I can relate on trying to double down on making her happy, but it only made her more demanding and entitled, not resulting in any kind of desire to reciprocate. Thankfully, our post-filing interactions have been relatively civil for the most part. There have been a few moments where things got contentious, but I call a time-out REAL quick if that starts to happen. The other day, it sounded like she was trying to bait me into an emotional conversation, but I just tol…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/22 01:49 PM
2

I can relate to you on so many levels, u/relationshiptossoutt. The biggest difference is I don't have any kids. I'm a 46M, bald, and although I still can't bring myself to say I'm "fat," I'm definitely "chonky." 😆 I was in an emotionally distant marriage for 16 years. I'm trying not to be resentful that I basically wasted my 30s, what many consider the "prime" of their lives, on a demanding, narcissistic, OCD, negative wife. Our situation was kind of a "Dead Bedroom" situation. I won't carry on …
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/22 06:02 AM
5

I know in some states, after a certain amount of time you’ve been together with someone in a relationship, you’re considered “common law” spouses, which conveys some (but not all) rights of marriage. So even if you don’t have “the paper” you may still be on-the-hook for some things.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/22 10:13 PM
1

Unless there's a direct management/subordinate relationship, I don't know if there's a lot that's actionable here from an HR standpoint. Full disclosure, I'm not in HR, and I don't know the technicalities and legalities.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/22 03:11 PM
1

My initial thought was to do mediation, but I’m actually glad I retained counsel, because I think mediation would have been a contentious sh!tshow. As I’ve stated before in this forum and elsewhere, if there’s no drama, my STBXW will create it. She thinks she’s so clever and shrewd, but she’s really not. I can’t wait to do legal and mental judo on her in the negotiation of the final settlement. 🥋😏
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 06:07 AM
9

Document, document, document. And retain an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/22 04:55 PM
1

Sometimes, but not always or necessarily.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/22 04:51 PM
17

From my 16 years of misery, here are my words of advice. I'm not going to tell you "don't get married" but these are a few things I wish I would have been more attuned to: 1) How many friends does she have? I'm not saying she has to be a social butterfly with hundreds of friends, but does she at least have a core handful of non-family friends she regularly hangs out with? (1-2 times a week). This is a good thing and should be encouraged! Likewise, she needs to be OK with you hanging out with you…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/22 04:48 PM
2

To me…It’s a one-way ticket. I have no desire or intention of reconciling with my STBXW, despite external pressures. Even if she said she wanted to, I’d say no, and if she cared, I’d tell her why. I was the initiator/petitioner, and have no regrets. Even if I’m single/celibate for the rest of my life, I still think I’d be happier than if I stayed with her. Don’t let her or anyone else manipulate you. Stand up for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/22 05:47 AM
6

LOL. My marriage was practically sexless, so not much. 😆
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 08:02 PM
3

I initially wanted to go the mediation route, but STBXW had a consultation with an attorney, and so did I. I don’t regret it. I think the attorney I found is very savvy, and has my back. My STBXW is very self-interested, and THINKS she’s very clever (she isn’t really) but she’s constantly scheming and trying to get the upper-hand. If you’re able to find a family law attorney that will take on your case for a reasonable retainer, I think that’s the way to go. Mediation only if your partner is non…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/22 04:10 AM
4

I’ve come up with a new term for this…”shizzard.” 😆
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/22 08:03 PM
2

Looking back, I saw warning signs about was to come as soon as the honeymoon. I probably should have asked for an annulment then and there, but with so much divorce in my family, I was determined to be the exception. I should have quit trying to achieve or live up To that standard of perfection, and just been honest with myself.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/22 03:28 PM
3

Still going through it, and I'm already over it! 😆 Every time I have an interaction with my STBXW, I'm reminded I made the right decision (I'm the petitioner). Granted, I know my situation may be relatively unique (46M, no kids), but I have no regrets, and I can't wait to get "the paper" saying I'm fully emancipated.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/22 03:03 AM
2

Would take it, but my father passed away eight years ago. Maybe change "do" to "did" for those of us whose fathers have passed.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/22 03:01 AM
11

Your wife’s obsession with K-Pop and Korean culture sounds borderline if not full-blown OCD. 😳 I love KBBQ as much as anyone, but I have no desire to move to Korea (unless I got a 7-figure job offer. 😄) You are being totally rational, and she’s full b@tsh!t cray-cray, IMHO.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/22 01:53 AM
3

No infidelity (as far as I’m aware). We just grew further and further apart in interests, and I felt I was the “80” in the 80/20. Plus the OCD about insignificant things, social anxiety, and not being listened to or respected. It finally got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, and certainly couldn’t see myself dealing with it for the next 30-40 years. I think she was saddened and disappointed when I broke the news, but not terribly surprised. I actually told her I was “done” earlier t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/22 07:00 PM
2

I’m pursuing an uncontested settlement, but am still working with an attorney. Thankfully her retainer is pretty reasonable. I think it will end up being money well-spent.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/22 06:51 PM
2

Nope. I'm a bit of an introvert anyway, so I'm at peace with the idea that I'll be single or uninvolved in a romantic relationship for the rest of my life, but at the same time, I'm not opposed to the idea. I also am more confident than ever in my prospects about finding a potential girlfriend/life mate than ever before. Not that I'm some amazing physical specimen (I'm not) or that I'm fabulously wealthy or famous (I do OK). My STBXW was far from "the best I've ever had." If anything, I settled …
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/22 05:54 AM
2

I can relate, but I can say I no longer love her anymore, if I ever did. She’s narcissistic, OCD, demanding and conditional. Spontaneous acts of affection or caring are simply not in her DNA. I think that’s been the case all along, but it’s only been within the past few years that it’s become unavoidably apparent. It’s kind of a “chicken-or-the-egg” scenario as to whether the lack of intimacy was the cause of our DB, or an effect of the toxicity, negativity and total lack of reciprocity, but it’…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/22 09:15 PM
7

I would say be strategic and pragmatic as possible. Don't get too fixated on "things." My attorney told me, "Don't get fixated on things that a trip to Target or Costco could take care of." Stay focused on the bigger picture of financial assets (i.e. investments, home). Considering your situation, I would suggest contacting an attorney. Sounds like she will ask for a lot of alimony/child support.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/22 05:31 AM
1

It's just more process and hassle. Depends on how strongly they feel about it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/22 05:17 AM
1

If she's willing, I say you both try to find a mediator together. That's what I initially wanted to do, but my STBXW and I each retained counsel. So far, our interactions have been been cordial and relatively cooperative. If it seems like she's going to be very combative and aggressive, it might be best to get your own attorney. If it seems like she's willing to come to a reasonable settlement, then mediation is one of the lowest-cost options.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/22 05:16 AM
8

Don't give in, and most importantly...DON'T SETTLE! I was about your age when I married my STBXW. In my case, I think the pressure to marry was largely self-imposed. I hadn't had much luck with women up to that point, and the STBXW was fairly physically attractive, and seemed "nice enough." Over the years, I discovered some of the toxic, co-dependent relationships within her family, her social anxieties, OCD and depression. If you meet someone, practice radical honesty. If you're going to hypoth…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 02:46 PM
3

I am very optimistic and hopeful about my future. Only regret is not asking for it sooner. I think the reason I haven't felt the emotional anguish of many others here is that my wife was always kind of emotionally dead/distant, and even approached me about intimacy as an obligation on my part. Thankfully no kids. Three rounds of IVF, but I think it's a blessing in disguise we didn't have kids.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 02:35 PM
11

No infidelity in my case, but I have no interest in reconciliation. She's shown herself unable and unwilling to change, and once a narcissist, always a narcissist. I don't wish her ill, but I also don't want her involved in my life going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 02:30 PM
3

LOL. Thankfully, this was decided for me. She packed up her stuff and was out the door in about 30 minutes after me dropping the D-bomb, even after me offering to stay in another bedroom.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 12:49 PM
5

46M. I can relate with a lot of this. Married 16 years. A lot of couples' counseling, and my wife (hindsight 20/20) dealing with OCD and anxiety. Plus...Just radically different interests and personalities. Thankfully, no kids. I have a certain amount of empathy for my STBXW, but also the realization that there's no way I can be with her for the next 30+ years. I felt I got to a point where I really had no choice but to file for divorce. I don't want to part ways bitter & angry. I know how I fee…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 05:29 AM
1

Wow man...Thanks for the support. 😳 Yeah. I get it loud and clear. It just seems like a lot of guys here ascribe to the "scorched earth" approach to everything. Maybe from experience, maybe from just bitterness against their ex. I have no particular malice against her. We just grew apart and cold, and it got to a point where neither of us was particularly interested in changing habits our communication patterns. We don't have any kids, so that's not part of the equation. And CA being a no-fault …
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 03:42 PM
2

LOL. Good point. 😄
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 02:47 PM
2

I get what all you guys are saying, but I guess I don’t understand how having this talk will affect the outcome, since it’s a no-fault state, and we’ve both agreed to pursue an uncontested divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 07:01 AM
1

Good point. 🤔
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 04:45 AM
2

Duly noted. California is a "no-fault" state. I don't know if anything I say could be realistically used against me. I understand a lot of you have gone through traumatic divorces, and I get your caution, and appreciate it. But I feel like both of us have things we need to say before we can fully have closure.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 04:06 AM
4

Frankly, at that point, I want to have as little or no contact with her as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 02:50 AM
3

If anyone's partying, it's me. She has extreme social anxiety, and has almost no friends outside of her immediate family. She is honestly not that bright. I'm not saying she's stupid, but she's not very clever. I absolutely don't want any of her family present. She initially asked for it, and as a good faith effort, I want to at least give her closure.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 01:37 AM
1

I figure the damage is already done, in terms of the two of us. If either of us could learn something about each other, how we’re perceived, or how we communicate, maybe we might be able to grow from it. Maybe I’m just being naïve.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/22 12:43 AM
5

Still in the middle of the process. So far things have been relatively civil, and I am already relieved and looking forward to the future. Probably not much help, but have no regrets or second thoughts. Should have done it a long time ago.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/22 06:58 PM
3

No desire for any physicality with the STBXW whatsoever. Frankly, didn't have it for most of our marriage. I think we're both dealing with the situation very pragmatically and matter-of-factly. I'm just ready to cut my losses and move on at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/22 03:36 PM
1

Just to leave “no stone unturned.” But if both parties are truly “checked out” then yeah, probably too little, too late.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/22 03:01 PM
1

If you're truly unhappy, don't waste your time. I clung to false hope for WAY too long. I should have bailed years earlier. At 16 years, I finally had enough. Thankfully, communication and interaction between us through this process has been fairly civil. We have both retained counsel, and are taking the necessary steps toward dissolution. Although far from a panacea, I would recommend couples counseling as a first step. If there's a spirit of mutual contrition and a willingness to reconcile, st…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/22 06:05 AM
2

That's hilarious. 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 09:35 PM
2

46M. Don’t want to get actively “back in the game” until I officially have “the paper” but I think my range of consideration will be 30-50 once I am.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/22 11:50 PM
1

Just make sure your definitions of "masculinity" are healthy and not toxic. Unfortunately, I see a lot of toxic masculinity now, which I see manifested mainly by materialistic self-indulgence (i.e. lots of "toys" [motorcycles, side-by-sides, watercraft, 4x4s, sports cars] at the expense of responsibly providing for their families] and kind of a low-level misogynistic view of women (objectification, "hook-ups/booty calls"). For me, true masculinity is embodied by responsibility (financial, househ…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/22 04:45 AM
1

Wow. That scene definitely hits you in the gut. I guess I'm fortunate in my case that there are no kids involved, but I definitely feel for all the guys here that do.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/22 04:05 AM
2

It really is a classic, and I think should be required viewing for all members here, u/LowerFars. 😊
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/22 01:28 AM
2

No kids, but my STBXW and mom have never gotten along well. My wife would constantly beat me over the head with the scriptural admonition to “leave and cleave” yet she was/is EXTREMELY close to her parents. Double-standard much? Well, I guess you can say “mom won.” Yes, my mother isn’t perfect, and she has some annoying habits and idiosyncrasies, but at least she’s not constantly judging and criticizing, which I got in ample helpings from my STBXW.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/22 08:46 PM
3

Do not reply, but collect and gather. If you don’t already have an attorney retained, get one.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/22 06:40 PM
1

No kids here. I think for me it would be a matter of how acrimonious the split was. If we parted on relatively amicable terms, then sure, I’d probably share it. If it was a “War of the Roses” type scenario, then no. 😄
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/22 02:41 PM
2

Still a little early to tell exactly how it’s going to go for me. My STBXW prevaricates between seeming very level-headed and reasonable to making irrational and accusatory statements. The acid test will probably be this weekend, when we have to get together to do our taxes. I told her up-front this is not going to be an emotional “dump” session, and that I wanted to be strictly focused on getting our taxes done and filed. We’ll see how it goes. 🤞🏼😬
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/22 02:13 PM
4

Keep in mind that if she’s financially dependent on you, that’s a millstone that will be around your neck for years to come, whether you’re married or divorced. I get it that sometimes you just want “out” of the relationship, but something to consider.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/22 02:27 AM
4

I can’t tell you how many people have told me to avoid single mothers when I jump “back in the pool!” For multiple reasons. After hearing this, I’m thinking that’s sound advice! 😳
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/22 11:12 PM
3

My wife’s freak-out and shaming when her and her entire family got COVID right after Thanksgiving, and I decided to stay with my mom a little longer. That was probably the beginning of the end. The second is when she shared some very personal and intimate details of our relationship with a women’s church group, after I had specifically asked her NOT to, which set off a domino effect of church people inquiring and snooping into our private life. After that, I decided it was a matter of “when” not…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/22 04:38 PM
2

This is a great group, for the most part u/Cranberry_Afraid. Some good, solid advice based on real-world experience, and support even when we do stupid things. Best wishes to you. 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/22 02:44 PM
2

I’ve kind of let it go. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I know I need to polish my approach a little. I appreciate you guys not totally savaging me for what are admittedly some pretty boneheaded moves. 😜
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/22 06:35 AM
1

Here's the only complicating factor. I'm the primary on a card that's associated with her father's Costco business account. I feel like I have no choice but to cancel it, and get another one with my own account, unless Costco can re-issue the same number, but under my own membership account. I may go and visit and see if that's an option.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/22 02:54 PM
1

Thanks guys for your (sometimes) brutal but honest feedback. I’ve backed way off the gas in terms of bar-hopping and trying to prove to myself I’ve still “got game.” I think I have the conversational chops, where I get a little weak-kneed is in my confidence in “closing the deal.” I’ve had other people tell me “don’t apologize” so much for expressing controversial or unpopular opinions. I think that kind of applies here too in a roundabout way. I agree that sounding needy or “broken” is not a wi…
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/22 02:12 PM
2

I'm not really afraid of her going hog wild with the CCs. If the STBXW has any redeeming quality, it's that she's fairly frugal, and not a big spendthrift. I just want our ultimate separation to be as "clean" as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 11:35 PM
1

The balances are pretty low on both cards. We could pay them off pretty easily if we wanted to. Wondering if in that case it would be easier to just close them out and get new ones.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 10:20 PM
3

Hear you loud and clear. Trying to find my confidence again, without being an “Alpha Bro” if that makes any sense. Still have my baby giraffe legs. 😆 Slowly but surely.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 05:43 PM
7

Oh, I don’t care. I just find it hilarious. Her lack of self-awareness is remarkable. Again…Every subsequent interaction I’ve had since we separated just validates that I made the right decision.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 04:09 PM
18

Biggest one for me is criticizing me for something she has done/is doing herself. Like telling me my mom shouldn't be influencing my decisions, when it's crystal clear her parents have. Pot meet kettle. 🙄
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 03:00 PM
4

That's not the vibe I get on here, u/phillyman152. Maybe it's because I only read the posts that seem pertinent and relatable. Yeah, there are a few "woe is me" posts, but I don't typically read and engage them, because they don't offer anything useful to me. I've actually gotten a lot of good, practical advice on here. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 02:59 PM
1

We just seemed to share a lot of interests, and had relatable family backgrounds. A lot of times, the chit-chat just gets boring and it’s “crickets.” 😄
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 01:59 PM
1

I appreciate your words of wisdom, u/KnownLedgesIsPowder. I know you're right. This is still pretty fresh for me. But I know fit older guys have an easier time with women than chubsters, which I admittedly, still am. 😆 I probably just need to get more disciplined in my fitness routine.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 06:41 AM
1

I'm with you, u/Remarkable-Potato21. 👊🏼 I know probably nothing will come of it. In total honesty, I'm not looking for DOM (dirty old man) hookups. I would honestly be thrilled with just hanging out and conversation. I just want some validation that I've still "got it." Heck, just the banter chit-chat tonight with the bartender told me I did. My STBXW beat down my confidence so much, that I'm just now finding it again.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 06:38 AM
3

Wise words...Admittedly, I'm still kind of wandering in the wilderness at this point. I just feel for too long, I've been timid and self-doubting, and have held back on a lot of things for fear of embarrassment or humiliation. I'm trying to get over that. But I totally hear what you're saying about getting in better shape, and "going to church" if I'm looking for wife material. I just don't want to wallow in a pity party at home. So maybe I'm over-compensating ATM. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 06:11 AM
1

u/Future-Platform8225, in so many words, I told the guy I'm no longer fellowshipping with that church, therefore, they had no authority over me. Not that they would have anyway. But getting back to the "fembot" analogy, it feels like we were talking in cross-currents. At one point, I finally told him, "Look. I've made my decision. If you're going to try to guilt me into trying to reconcile, I'll leave right now." He backed off a little, and attempted to make his case, but I think I made myself c…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 05:08 AM
2

I’m only the second week in after dropping the D-bomb. I’m going to bars. Not necessarily to look for a “hook up” but just to keep my skills sharp, if that makes any sense. I just want to keep my conversational skills up so when the time comes I finally get “the paper” I’ll be primed & ready. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 01:52 AM
1

To add a little context...What I think really put me over the edge was a betrayal of trust by my wife that kind of set off a domino effect. When we were both (more her) still involved at that church and its "couples" ministry, she was meeting up with the women of the group, and she said, "I think I'm going to share about some of our intimacy issues with the women." I said to her, "I wish you wouldn't, but I can't stop you." Which she interpreted as "I give you permission." 🙄 Sure enough, I get a…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/22 02:47 PM
5

u/KnownLedgesIsPowder, I understand what you're saying, and I'm sure his intentions were good-hearted and earnest. But he hasn't walked in my shoes. I'm meeting with with another BIC (Brother in Christ) tomorrow. To be clear, I'm not looking for validation or approval of my decision. There's nothing celebratory about divorce, even if you're coming out of a toxic, dysfunctional relationship. I get it. And even though this might be "bad theology" by conventional metrics, I just can't see God wanti…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/22 06:31 AM
1

Yep, u/hombredelgato. At first glance, the deterioration in our relationship looks like it was based primarily on one thing...My performance anxiety/libido. But the more you unpack it, the more you realize it's a feedback-loop downward spiral exacerbated by the negativity and criticism, which was constant. Although admittedly I might still need a little help in that area, I don't doubt the potential exists to have a rewarding intimate life with another life partner that isn't so negative and nar…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/22 03:13 PM
2

I feel you, u/unhappily1980. Thankfully, mine went about as good as could be expected. She shed a few silent tears, and within the next 30 minutes, packed up most of her belongings (we're living in a temporary house due to home repairs being made) and left for her parents, who live locally. As she was getting into her car, she said, "I hope this is what you want." I didn't say anything, but thought to myself, "If I didn't want it, I wouldn't have said it." Thankfully, no kids. Unlike you, we wen…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/22 06:19 AM
3

Yeah. I can't stand double-standards. Don't do something and then tell me I can't do the same. Also, I have to kind of wonder if she just thinks about what's coming out of her mouth? But sometimes her verbal diarrhea is so fierce, she can barely keep up with it! 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/22 12:28 AM
3

Purely hypothetical at this point, but 46M, my age range for consideration is 30-50. 🤷🏻‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/22 05:47 AM
1

LOL...The equity would be a LOT more than $200k. I would find it incredibly ironic if my STBXW actually ends up having to pay me a little to settle. 😆
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/22 05:25 AM
1

I hear ya. Gotta be strategic. My STBXW is not terribly financially savvy. For the longest time, she thought a savings account was a “retirement plan.” 😜 But she’s asking for full equity in the house +$100k. But I told her I’m not agreeing to anything until we’ve done financial due diligence. I’d be OK with the house +50, but 100 sounds a little rich to me. Never mind the fact that how they landed on that figure seemed kind of arbitrary. She said her parents said the area we’re in is “expensive”…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/22 03:07 AM
2

Thanks u/Gattsama! This is extremely detailed and insightful. This is definitely something I'll need to discuss with my attorney. Although I originally wanted to take the route of mediation, I think considering my circumstance with the mortgage and the home, it was probably for the best that I retained counsel.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 09:19 PM
3

If selling as joint named, and distributing the assets afterward as an option WITHOUT having to refi, at least on its face, that seems like the best option, in my case. If one spouse wants to keep the house, and insists on sole title, refi is the only option, from what I’ve read/been told so far.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 07:50 PM
1

I think the plan is to pursue an uncontested divorce. Unfortunately we both kind of inadvertently screwed ourselves out of mediation when we both had initial consultations with attorneys. So far, this approach seems like it will be relatively low-cost, all things considered.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 07:46 PM
1

I’ve already retained counsel. This is just a verbal proposal I’ve thrown out there as a “what if.” Thankfully we’re on reasonably civil terms. There is nothing officially in writing in terms of obligations or promises from either side. Ultimately this will be determined in joint conference with us and our attorneys. Just want to know all options available to me/us.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 07:33 PM
1

Oh shit! That’s some next-level psycho stalking there! 😳 Sorry you’re having to go through that. 😕
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 02:36 PM
4

If it makes you feel any better, you can read my story here. Get out while you can. I used to be a believer in "forever ever after." It's a myth. It's a societal construct. You can't make anyone else truly happy unless you're happy yourself. I know a lot of what I'm doing and feeling right now is "against the rules" of traditional dogmatic faith traditions. But ironically, so many more doors and offers of opportunity, support, gratitude and generosity have opened up since my divorce has become s…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 06:08 AM
2

It's not ideal, but it's a short-term option if there aren't a lot of other alternatives, u/FarSatisfaction8117.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 12:52 AM
2

Myself and my mom are ironically closer than ever to my late brother’s ex-wife. Sadly, I think his death was a catalyst in bringing everyone closer together. I don’t foresee myself staying on close terms with my current in-laws. They’ve always been extremely clannish, and I’ve always kind of felt like an outsider, to be honest. I have nothing against them, necessarily, and hope we can stay on reasonably civil terms for as long as we need to communicate, but I don’t expect to receive Christmas ca…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/22 05:35 PM
4

I think the term is “dirty old man” if the women I’m pursuing are more than 5 years my junior. 😆
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/22 03:40 PM
5

Serious question...What are your disposable assets? Do you own a pickup truck or SUV? That may seem like an arbitrary or silly question, but bear with me. If you have a vehicle that can tow, you could buy a travel trailer, assuming you have enough cash/credit. Used, you can get them for $6,000-8,000. Worst-case scenario, you could live in that for a while. Otherwise, now is the time to take advantage of your "Rolodex" of family and friends. Couch surf for a few weeks/months if you have to. Where…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/22 06:00 AM
1

Going through this right now. Haven't done the "discovery" process yet but my tentative offer was the house in exchange for keeping my investments. But my STBXW (on advice of her father, from the sound of things) wants the house + $100k. That deal seems a little rich to me, but if after thorough vetting of our finances, that turns out to be a fair deal, I'm OK with it. Just seems kind of arbitrary though, before our finances have been thoroughly vetted. I think we'll probably ultimately settle a…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 09:42 PM
3

Don’t put it off. If your mind is made up, better to just “rip the band-aid off” and get it done.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 07:39 PM
2

How long have you been with her? For me, some of the OCD/controlling tendencies were evident from the start (hindsight 20/20). Others have gotten noticeably worse as the years have progressed. Things might have been better if she would have started psychiatric therapy sooner, but I don’t know if that would have necessarily changed all the underlying dynamics at play. I also got tired of the empty promises of self-improvement. “I’m working on it” rang hollow after a while after I’d bought her mul…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 01:40 PM
4

That is probably the more accurate statement. The weeks leading up to me making the announcement were pretty anguishing, but once you get to the spot you know, you just know, and I got there.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 07:14 AM
1

The Greece trip is at least a year away. But should be fun when it happens. 🙂
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 05:14 AM
2

I honestly haven't fully given up on the idea of being a father, so not quite ready to get snipped yet, but I hear what you're saying. Last thing I need is a trans-continental paternity drama! 😜
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 11:47 PM
8

I can tell you for certain that my STBXW is not in these dreams. 😆
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 10:24 PM
2

Yeah. The landlady at my rental house shared a photo of one of her friends. She looked very cute. But the more I thought about, the worse of an idea it seemed. First of all, I'm probably relocating out-of-area in about a month and a half. Also, I'm only a week out from dropping the "D-Bomb." Officially, no paperwork has been filed with the court, so for all intents and purposes, we're still married. Almost all of our joint accounts are still intertwined. As much as I'd like to get back out there…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 05:04 PM
1

I’m hoping mine is relatively short and to-the-point. She’s already indicated she wants what sounds like an uncontested divorce. BUT, I think they attempted to bamboozle me the other day when I met with my STBXW and FIL. He said they met with an attorney, and “he could work out a quick, low-cost settlement.” He gave me the guy’s number and said “call him.” From the description, it vaguely sounded like mediation, but not quite. I’m glad I held off, and ran it by my attorney (who at this stage I’d…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 07:15 AM
2

Oh, I know…Bar bragging is its own unique brand of BS. 😄
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/22 03:21 PM
6

Thanks for the words of encouragement, u/Bipolar_investor. I know I'll find a "new normal" eventually. Even though I knew I had 0% chance of scoring with the Asian MILF, just the casual chit-chat was definitely a confidence-booster. I just gotta learn to pace myself with the booze, even with my fat buffer. 🥃 🥴 😆
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/22 07:24 AM
2

I hear ya, man. Don’t worry, I have my guard up. I’ve been screwed enough times (not the good way) I’m a little wiser to the warning signs, but point taken. 👊🏼
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/22 02:44 AM
2

So many people have told me the same thing about single moms, even other women (though not single moms themselves.) Yeah, I know I’m probably too nice for my own good sometimes. I know statistically, subsequent marriages have a higher divorce rate, but I’ve also known some that far out-lasted the first go-round. Once I’m finally fully emancipated, I plan on just having some fun for a while. 🙂 If it really seems like I’m hitting it off with someone, I think I’m just going to take it slow and real…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/22 02:33 AM
2

So...I'm right in the midst of this right now. If you or your spouse met with an attorney, that attorney cannot act as a neutral mediator. I met with my STBXW and father-in-law last night, and they gave me a vague description of their consultation with an attorney. Since this is kind of new territory for me, it wasn't exactly clear if what they were describing was mediation or an uncontested divorce. They threw out a preliminary offer (obviously stacked in favor of my STBXW, IMHO) and said, "Mee…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/22 12:48 AM
3

LOL. Good question! I don't know man. I was inexperienced and naïve at the time, and I thought she was "nice enough." I had a series of short-term failed relationships before her, and I lacked self-confidence about my desirability by women. Ironically, at 46, I'm more confident about my prospects than ever before. As I've shared on other comments, within the past 3 weeks, I've been approached by women out-of-the-blue, without soliciting and trying. Granted, they haven't resulted in "hook-ups" an…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/22 11:50 PM
2

Amen to that! I want someone who WANTS to be with me, not NEEDS to be with me, and vice-versa.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/22 02:50 PM
1

Honestly, I think one of the most attractive traits to women is a sense of humor. I’m hardly God’s gift to women looks-wise, but I don’t seem to have a problem meeting and talking to them. I’m told I’m funny and handsome often. Anything you can do to build your confidence, either from personal development/fitness or social settings, just go for it. You won’t be great at everything (nobody is) but I’m sure you’ll find something your good at.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/22 02:48 PM
1

So just an anecdotal story. Just in the past few weeks, I’ve been approached by two women without even really trying. One online, and one IRL. I don’t share this to be a braggy douche, but that it was a little bit of a confidence-booster that it won’t be that bad post-divorce. I only dropped the “D-bomb” this last Saturday. Met with wife and FIL last night, and thankfully they say (FWIW) they don’t want a long, drawn-out, high-drama legal battle. At least we’re in agreement in principle about th…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/22 02:44 PM
4

I’m in a similar situation, except no kids. Breaking the news was hard, but I felt necessary. We’re just way too far apart on our expectations and desires for the relationship. I/we have had ED/Intimacy issues for a long time. We’ve spent years and thousands of dollars in counseling. But it’s not just about the sex and intimacy. There were/are many other issues at play (that I’ve detailed elsewhere in this group.) While I still have a measure of concern for her, I just don’t know how I could man…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/22 04:02 PM
6

My STBXW is a textbook example, hence why she’s about to be my STBXW. 1) Bad listener: Only cares about taking about herself, her needs, her interests, her desires. 2) Verbal diarrhea/freight train: Just never stops talking. And not about interesting stuff, just boring, inane drivel, constantly… 3) Only makes token effort in the relationship: Only helps out with chores/domestic duties when it’s brought up as an issue, and then wants a participation trophy when she does. 4) Flying off the handle …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/22 03:04 PM
18

For me, I think it’s a matter of being naïve and optimistic when I married, and just worn down and cynical now. There were a lot of warning signs, and probably earlier opportunities I should have taken to get out, but I just kind of held out hope until I couldn’t anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/22 10:23 PM
1

Leave now. It took me 16 years in the prime of my life to figure out the situation was unworkable.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/22 03:12 PM
9

I'm in a similar boat. Married 16 years, 46 years old. Unfortunately, the odds for guys and gals flip-flop in their 40s. We were the pursuers in our 20s, now we're the pursued in our 40s, and to your point, 40-something women have a tougher time of it. But that's not necessarily your fault or something to feel bad about. It is what it is. My wife is/was a verbal freight train...I never felt like I was heard, and finally got to the point, where I'd tell her point-blank, "Let me finish!" It sounds…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/22 06:30 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter