From Feeling Generous to Cheap

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-03-29T15:29:34+00:00

Divorce is a war, glad you finally figured that out! I hope it's not too late!

jimsmythee · 2022-03-29T21:19:54+00:00

Same here. I was ready to be reasonable with my now exwife. If she would have been even the smallest bit willing to work with me on this, I would have been more amicable in it. I tried to work with her, but if she saw me offer her $10, she felt that, "Well, if he offers me $10, then I know he's ready to offer me 10 times that!"

But she wasn't. She demanded that she was entitled to everything she asked for. 50% of my take home pay in alimony because she claimed she was "too sick to work." Full custody of the kids in order to maximize child support $'s. She wanted half of the equity in my separate and sole property house. She wanted half of my 401k. She wanted half the value of my car, but felt that the loan to buy the car was "all on Jim." Then she wanted me to pay $500/month to get her a private health insurance plan, like the one she got from my job, so she could continue doctor shopping. And to top it all off? She argued that her $7500 in DUI fines were a marital debt because we were married when she got the DUI. All seems reasonable, right?

I just stopped responding to her, and I told her, "We can just let the judge decide."

She was convinced that this was acceptable, and we both went to court and had a trial presided by the judge.

It didn't go her way. She got $0 alimony and I got 50/50 custody of the kids. She got half of my 401k because that was a 100% marital asset. That was all she got. Every one of her list of other demands was denied by the judge. Took her 2 days to stop screaming.

thefudmaster · 2022-03-29T16:27:55+00:00

Do not ever try to use logic and common sense with a partner like yours.

HelixFish · 2022-03-29T17:08:42+00:00

Stop. Why would you tell her your plan? Yes, it will feel good but then you’ve played your cards. Keep it to yourself. Communication like this rarely benefits you and only serves the other party.

black65Cutlass · 2022-03-29T15:24:55+00:00

Yeah, I don't see this ending well. My STBXW is petty and controlling and has a personality disorder. I am willing to pay more than I think she deserves just to get the papers signed and for her to go away. I am buying her out of the equity in the house and her "offer" to split the equity is high by about $10k but I am willing to let it slide just to be rid of her and out of this situation as smoothly as possible.

If she wanted to drag her feet she could easily cost me more than $10k in legal fees. I want papers signed without her having one of her epic meltdowns. I have bent over backwards to help her in this process. Even helping her move her stuff out of the house (because I knew it would take her 6 months to do it by herself). I am not happy about any of it, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you, I hope it works out for you better than I think it will.

warrior_up · 2022-03-29T17:17:57+00:00

Dude keep your money.

Educational_Head_198 · 2022-03-29T17:48:24+00:00

Whenever I attend a wedding or any crap called marriage ceremony I feel for the man saying those silly words....till death do as a part!

JonathanApple · 2022-03-29T17:00:58+00:00

If she won't cooperate you have no other options. Believe me. Fight for what is right and fair even though you may still get screwed.

pegleg_legal · 2022-03-30T03:32:05+00:00

Never give without getting, that's for married people.

Imswim80 · 2022-03-29T18:53:33+00:00

I had a similar journey. Initially, i blamed myself, and was all set to try to give a generous offer.

Then I discovered a love note to another man and realized she'd been cheating. At which point it all fell in place. So now I don't settle for anything less than half. Including 50% custody.

lordgoofus1 · 2022-03-29T21:29:21+00:00

Unfortunately starting to head down the same path with my STBXW. Intended to be generous to ensure a smooth separation for the sakes of the kid, and she's basically had to be dragged kicking and screaming the entire way (which isn't far...we're still right at the beginning of proceedings). My offer will now be the bare minimum required, plus a very small sweetener in order to get more time with kiddo.

Sad really, how so many partners cut off their own nose to spite their face. They're so caught up in their own pity and hatred they stop being able to think rationally about what's best for the kid.

askingforafreddit · 2022-03-29T14:56:25+00:00

Your attorney will likely only be able to advise you on the degree of legality of what you're looking to do - that is, pay only what is required by law or in you settlement agreement, which is what you should be doing anyhow. Sending her an email reminding her of this, especially in your current frame of mind, will probably not be helpful.

Your attorney may not be in a position to tell you this, but lots of guys on this sub can tell you exactly what will happen if you pull a bunch of money away from a woman who has grown accustomed to and shown a total lack of appreciation of that money. And then, you rub her face in it.

Gattsama · 2022-03-30T05:55:26+00:00

Dude I am 100% on the same page as you. Together 17y and married 12y. We have no kids and simple (but valuable) assets. I suggested we skip the lawyers, go uncontested, she can have ALL of the assets / possessions, I will take ALL of the debt (in exchange for credits, because I wanted her to have the best start possible). I then asked her what she needs for spousal support, my plan was anything less than $400k total and I would have just said yes. I was going to help with moving, give her advise and guidance about her next move, etc. etc.

BUT then she lawyered up and so far has wasted about 15k, and will be at least another 10-15k min before it's over. Also need to sell the house which I want to asap because of the housing bubble. She has refused mediation, to discuss anything and her lawyers decline all our requests.

NOW she is saying they can do mediation on 6/3! 2 months from now! So all good will has been burnt. I accept the process and she is within her legal rights. But I am now only doing the minimum required by law. No more and no less.

I actually am in someways appreciative that she sis dragging everything out. I demonstrates I made the correct choice filing AND I can release a lot of the guilt I've been feeling :)

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2022-03-30T06:23:28+00:00

One of the best things my attorney did was convince me not to give away the farm.

RepresentativeOk5968 · 2022-03-30T18:06:55+00:00

Good for you. Women love to use divorce as a reason to bludgeon men. No need to unilaterally disarm. Be firm but civil in your discourse. Don't get angry and don't give outbursts but be quietly diligent in your work to limit your exposure and then when a deal favorable to you is signed, sealed, and delivered, then you can spike the football. Until then, be stoic.

LowerFars · 2022-03-30T01:00:32+00:00

I truly sympathize and can relate. BION, there was actually a time early in my divorce when, if she called to tell me she needed money for something or for the kids, I'd just send it right over, no questions asked, no court order. I trusted her to co-parent with me and be reasonable.

Wow. How times changed. Now, you need to literally put a gun to my head to get me to pay for anything. That's the way that bitch wanted it go. So, I totally see where you're coming from. However, be aware of one small possibility. The system is designed to cause fighting. Personally, I place most of the blame on the lawyers. They love conflict.

Your lawyer will love getting your call. He'll happily call your STBXW's lawyer and tell him that you're now disputing EVERYTHING and want to fight over EVERYTHING.

Both your lawyer and your ex's lawyer will be looking at Tahiti brochures by the end of the day.

I totally understand your desire to use the courts to get your way. But keep the bigger picture in mind. Don't be one of those guys who spends $20k in legal fees to avoid giving $15k to his ex-wife, out of spite.

Blake17171717 · 2022-03-30T11:32:12+00:00

I was in a similar situation. I was generous and drafted it up per a verbal agreement my exwife and I made. She cheated and was abusive. As soon as the cops hauled her ass out of my house, which she called them acting as if I was the aggressor, after assaulting me… she wanted much more than she deserved and/or drafted. I eventually said take it or leave it. My thoughts were… if I’m going to give up thousands more, might as well spent it on an at fault divorce. I’d rather see her get multiple charges and get an instantaneous at fault divorce than to deal with her bullshit any longer. She knew I had all the evidence which gave me leverage.

Xan-Diesel · 2022-03-30T17:45:10+00:00

I remember going out of my way to be reasonable and equitable. Initially my goal was to survive. I kept going to work, handling business, working out and taking care of my kids (alternate one week at a time) while being as nice as possible.

At the time we were living in a house owned by the company I work for (it was initially purchased to be demolished as a thoroughfare from one of our buildings to the road). They had some kind of emergency situation and needed to provide housing to somebody else. I had about a week to move my entire family out to a different place up the street. I found out about her affair about a week earlier. I moved us all practically singlehandedly without complaining (while enduring a separation and probable divorce coupled with losing my kinds half the time). She dropped my boys off at the new place for most of the day so she and her affair partner could box up some things and take some furniture. The amount of stuff they packed up and moved would've taken me and another person about thirty minutes to get moved and loaded. I'm sure they were spending the time doing *other* things. I didn't complain and just buried it deep, deep down - hoping I'd eventually get her to remember our life, family and relationship was important.

She decided to move in with her Sister and didn't have much room for her things as a result. I took all her property (that I moved for her without question because I believed it was the right thing to do and that she'd appreciate it) and hung onto them in and attempt to be compassionate. I'd hoped all these actions would get her to come back. I held onto her stuff (at a great inconvenience to me and my kids) for about a year. At one point she wanted to come by my place to rifle through and pick some things (she had an apartment with her affair partner by then). Absolutely zero self-awareness on her side. Didn't phase her at all as she didn't consider how any of the things I was doing for her impacted me.

At one point she said something to the effect of: "well, if I *had* decided to come back - being a dick wouldn't have helped".

That's it. That's all I got was a comment insinuating I *had* to be reasonable and equitable and patient and kind and considerate and compassionate in the face of betrayal and heartbreak because if I hadn't ... she would've been upset that I reacted like a normal, sane and reasonable person would?

It took me an extremely long time to realize the woman I married wasn't the same woman who was divorcing me. She couldn't even be bothered to *file* for divorce. This person wouldn't do anything that'd help me if it didn't directly improve her life. That was the situation *with* me being equitable and reasonable. I had to ask her several times "what am I supposed to do?" and she never really had anything to say - likely because she hadn't thought about it. I was irrelevant and she was too busy enjoying her whirlwind romance to think about me floating in a new world alone with everything I used to have and know completely obliterated.

Her indifference feels somehow more hurtful than directed hatred.

Title	From Feeling Generous to Cheap
Author	CaliDude75
Upvotes	28
Comments	28
Date	March 29, 2022 2:34 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/tr1dwg/from_feeling_generous_to_cheap/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/from-feeling-generous-to-cheap.1109586 https://theredarchive.com/post/1109586

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