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View 8 posts and 62 comments by askingforafreddit on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

A family isn't necessarily two parents and a child. By the same token, two parents and a child doesn't necessarily make a family. So, maybe change the way you frame your idea of what your family was, and what it could be. That may help with the feeling of love, or lack of it. That said, I think that the summer season hits particularly hard for us in the more northern climes (Chicago here) for obvious reasons. But summer was great before the deck and the yard and the parties, right? Those things …
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 12:55 AM
1

You need a lawyer. I'm glad to see you're trying/tried couple's counseling, but there's often no negotiating when it comes to financials; state laws will spell out quite clearly who gets what and how much for how long. If your situation is cut and dry, lawyer up.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 02:24 AM
2

"My friends are all good guys, but they don’t know how to support me" Why burden these guys with something they can't relate to? They're probably too busy to listen anyways. And you don't want to make it weird. You never talk about this sort of stuff, they'd have no idea what to say and it'd be awkward. Right? Buddy, call one of your friends right now. "We don't build trust by offering help; we build trust by asking for it." If you have the energy, mental and emotional space right now, watch thi…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 02:36 AM
1

Someone on this sub told me this when I went through my first divorce and it sticks with me over 6 years later: "Just because you guys fucked up and can't stay together, doesn't mean your kid needs to suffer." I suspect most of us who've gone through divorce with children involved would say the same thing, it's only natural. And your wife no doubt feels the same way. A massive and growing body of research, along with common sense I'd say, suggests that the best thing for the kids is a collaborat…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 04:58 AM
1

Before I was sure, I suggested and we both attended marriage counseling. Counseling is not necessarily going or designed to prevent a divorce, but it's a far sight better than going straight into what feels to you like "no turning back". For me, several sessions of counseling cemented the idea for me that divorce was the healthiest path forward for the both of us, and our daughter. This is assuming you have not yet attempted counseling, and that attempts at it have not been one of those things t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 04:16 AM
5

What's best for the kid(s) isn't whether you stay or go, but how you (as parents) deal with the staying or going.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 10:14 PM
1

Thank you. Didn't come across this one but have added it to my stack.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 12:20 PM
3

Only you know the cause(s) of your mutual unhappiness, and hence whether or not it's something that is possible to move past, arbitration or not. Sound advice will come with some more details on the "why" you're considering divorce, and not so much on the potential fallout. Regardless of why you go through it, divorce is a horrible process with equally horrible consequences.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/23 02:12 AM
2

Be careful using anger as a motivator. There are absolutely pros and cons, and it can be downright unhealthy for certain folks.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 05:20 PM
2

You are right, and it's what I've been telling myself. Also there's a chance I'll meet someone who's int he same situation as me (weekends for the kid), and that'd be even better. But meeting people has been so hard, so now that I've finally met someone and we're both clicking so well, it's tough to let that stagnate or even just let it go and see what else is out there.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/22 02:40 AM
2

It was the terms of our divorce agreement, unfortunately. We've had the custody discussion several times before and after the divorce was finalized, and without getting into the nitty gritty, it was clear that pushing it any more was not going to be good for any of us... But as it stands - I'm not getting any younger, getting dates at this age (41) has been hard enough and I can't imagine what how tough it'll be in 5 or 6 or whatever years.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/22 02:38 AM
2

My daily meal plans (I do IF, so my first meal is at noon and last meal is 8pm): -Morning Shake: Protein powder, peanut butter powder, skim milk, half a banana, home-made Greek yogurt in a blender for a shake. -Oatmeal: steel cut oats, dried cranberries, chia seeds, hemp hearts, goji berries and skim milk over the stovetop for 8 minutes. -Bean Chili: 15 bean mix with celery, carrots, onions, garlic, frozen corn, turmeric, chicken breast (canned) chicken bone broth made in the Instant Pot at the …
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 02:26 AM
2

I'm glad that you're still with us. The realization of my divorce hit me while I was moving in with my parents, into my childhood bedroom. I ugly cried for what felt like an hour while my dad held me. Weak? I felt like a 5 year old again, totally helpless. But having my folks around me to support me through that moment of weakness was one of the greatest things that's happened to me in my adult life, because I found out that what I needed isn't a crutch, or someone to tell me what the next step …
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 03:24 PM
2

Your attorney will likely only be able to advise you on the degree of legality of what you're looking to do - that is, pay only what is required by law or in you settlement agreement, which is what you should be doing anyhow. Sending her an email reminding her of this, especially in your current frame of mind, will probably not be helpful. Your attorney may not be in a position to tell you this, but lots of guys on this sub can tell you exactly what will happen if you pull a bunch of money away …
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 02:56 PM
3

Looks like what you want is an uncontested divorce. Key bits: You don't need to hire a lawyer to get an uncontested divorce in California, and you can represent yourself during the process both spouses must be willing and available to sign all of the necessary paperwork, and both spouses must agree on the settlement of all issues, including division of property, spousal support, child support, and child custody. You and your spouse must create a written marital settlement agreement (also known a…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 02:46 PM
8

Talk it through with someone. Text CHAT to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 r/SuicideWatch. There are folks out there to help you through this. The biggest shame would be in not asking for that help first.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 02:40 PM
3

This x10000000. I believed this (and still do) since I understood the concept of marriage, yet my dumbass still got married. At least here in the US, marriage comes with a lot of financial benefits as well, both direct (tax and insurance savings) and non-direct (credit scores, social standing). So I think a lot of folks may go into marriage aware of those benefits, but don't do the calculations for "what if it doesn't work out?"
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:21 PM
3

I don't want to become a cold or angry person, because that is not who I am nor who I want to be Always remember that you said this. Nothing good comes from anger - harboring it, spreading it, venting it - and you know this. Anger and hate isn't where you ought to be directing any of your energy. You are absolutely right. We all prepped for, dealt with, and reacted to the divorce very differently, so what may be too sad for you might be perfectly normal for someone else. We all get over the divo…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:12 PM
2

You know this already, but nothing good comes from those feelings of resentment, and that anger. It just burns you up on the inside, and if you're not careful it'll burn the folks around you, including your kids. Whom, by the way, should not be a reminder of your shattered family or any sort of perceived failure. Let them be a reminder of what good you've done and what good you could continue to do for them and for their sake. Channel that pent up energy into being the absolute best dad you can …
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/22 04:19 AM
1

These gents speak the truth. Some great advice here. I'll add this: you've both been hit by an emotional bombshell and you should absolutely expect to feel confused and conflicted at times. It's normal, its how we as humans react to things like this, part of our wiring so to speak. Once you understand this, you can more easily compartmentalize your emotional/hard-wired reactions (guilt, anger, sadness) from what you know to be logical reasoning (divorce is not a topic broached lightly, so you kn…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/22 09:17 PM
1

Monday: "Whew!"
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/22 09:21 PM
3

Yeah, I'm not looking forward to this sort of stuff as I get back into the dating world. Good on you for being a gentleman and sitting through it. That said, some folks just don't have a fashion sense, which can be addressed if the individual feels like it's worth addressing. If there's some potential underneath those pleated mom-jeans, maybe see if she's down for hanging out somewhere that would force her to get somewhat more dressed up (or down, like a beach day?) and get a better idea of what…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/22 09:18 PM
1

Approach online dating with low/no expectations. Yup that is for sure how I'm approaching this. But I am getting a kick out of some of these Hinge profiles, some of these women got jokes. Or at least the bots do. ​ Don't forget that STDs and pregnancies are a thing! I should probably add that to my profile. "Already have kid, but not the clap. Would like to maintain both situations."
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/22 06:03 AM
2

Just signed up for Tinder and Hinge. I'm sitting here scrolling/swiping, and saying to myself "These aren't real people."
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/22 05:12 AM
1

That's the thing though. My life is great, but sometimes I do want someone to share it with. If only to eat out at a restaurant, burn up some vacation days with, just companionship.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/22 05:03 AM
1

Man at this point, I just want to get out of my apartment and hang out with someone who isn't my direct family. A lot of my friends are in the west suburbs and I'm up in Highland Park, so getting to each other is a chore. I wish some of these people who say they want "casual" relationship actually wanted casual relationships. Like, I want to grab a drink, not propose to your ass on the first date.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/22 02:15 AM
1

Damnit...
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/22 02:13 AM
5

Yup. I know better than to question advice on r/Divorce_Men. New pics on the way!
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 10:29 PM
2

good call. I've actually been off FB since like 2015, and that was the only social media I've ever used so I might have to create a new online-Me just for this online dating stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 10:28 PM
1

Great tips. I'm arranging to meet up with some buddies this week or next and get some photos of just me.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 10:27 PM
1

I will give it a shot then. Nothing to lose I suppose.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 10:01 PM
1

Ahhhhhhh, that is a great point.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 10:00 PM
1

No Tinder for me, brother. I'm afraid what sort of women my age will appear on Tiner.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 09:53 PM
10

Ahahaha! Thanks for the laugh, definitely needed that!
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/22 07:13 PM
1

After years and years of dancing around it, and occasionally discussing it, usually after a really bad argument. It was just bound to happen. We lived together until the very end, after the house was sold.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/22 11:39 PM
5

I just went through a similar thing also in IL, but used a lawyer and they called it a "single-lawyer" model or something. Where basically both parties agree on everything, but you still need a lawyer to represent one party just to file the paperwork. Anyhow, from the date the lawyers office submitted our case to the day we were officially divorced took like one week. We didn't exactly go with a by-the-book separation of assets either, which the lawyer thought would complicate things but apparen…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/22 01:18 AM
3

It can be hard to see my kids wanting to do things with another man that I as a father would have done with them, If I even imagine this, my stomach drops. And if I think about her calling another guy "Dad", it's almost like I get nauseous. Ugh...
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/22 03:26 PM
5

Congratulations! Finding that thing (or things) that keeps you happy and in a positive frame of mind is key. Find it, and keep doing it! Unless it's some illegal or self-destructive stuff, then maybe keep looking until.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/22 04:38 AM
2

I had the same concerns, but primarily the kid. If you love your daughter (and it sounds like you do), then there is no way to sugar coat it: it's going to suck. I have photos of my daughter as the rotating wallpaper on my desktop. Sometimes I'll wrap up something I'm working and close to the desktop with a photo of her, and I'll just tear up and start apologizing. It's been like that since we separated and started living apart a year ago. Early on, I'd just sit there and cry for like 10 minutes…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/22 09:10 PM
2

Dude I went out to Jackson Hole last year, got my first team taste of fly fishing. I'm hooked, excuse the pun. They was fun as hell. But these rinky dink streams we have around here aren't really well suited to fly fishing unfortunately.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/22 07:30 AM
1

It's a great past time. I'm catch-and-release as well. It *can* get expensive if at some point you're looking for something to sink money into, but man you can have so much fun on the cheap. Plus, my kiddo loves it. Some of the best days I've had in the past few years has been spending an afternoon wading down a river with my daughter, and having her help me land fish and release them. I also splurged on a Mighty+ this past Black Friday. Mighty+, my tenkara rod, and a lazy day by the river could…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 08:59 PM
2

I'm in Highland Park, but lived in Naperville and Bloomingdale for years. We've got some really good fishing spots if you're in Chicagoland, I wouldn't mind sharing the ones I've found. If you're outside the area I'm sure there are plenty as well, I just havent ventured out far with my gear. I highly recommend Tenkara if you're interested in getting into fishing. It's essentially Japanese fly fishing. Similar in that it's a fixed line, but even less gear - one fly, no mending, minimal line manag…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 08:50 PM
1

Thanks! I think as with most folks, it was a build-up of things over the course of years (13 in our case) of marriage - constant arguing about the same thing leading you to realize you've got irreconcilable differences. Beyond that, this person isn't making you happy, and in fact they are making you very unhappy and unhealthy. I also felt guilt when I came to this realization - a lot of "AITA?" type of questions. But you're right, that was the hump for me as shitty as our situation was, I still …
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 05:32 PM
3

Indeed. I'm glad I had a place to come and want other guys to benefit as well. We absolutely need a place to ask questions, reaffirm our thoughts, and vent. Better to do that here than at the lawyer's office while paying $150/hr, or worse, in front of the kid(s).
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 04:30 PM
1

I think so too. We read/hear about how sensitive kids are, and how early (in their age) they are able to pick up on signals that something isn't right. But it goes both ways, and they can definitely sense when the people around them are happier. That's what kept me going even when I felt like I wanted to scream on the inside. Congrats to you as well! It's good to be free.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 04:26 PM
1

Yup, it always burns when you feel like you've left something on the table, I don't know if I'll ever totally get over it. Fight for what matters to you! Divorce is highly personal, and I think this sub is great because folks more often offer support, not judgement. Best of luck!
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 04:23 PM
3

Well we were all there at some point. And I wish I could say that it's all roses now that I've come out the other side, but tbh I'm sure I'll still have some dark days and some regrets. But even on the worst days, I'll just be keeping my daughter front of mind. That has helped me, hope it can help you too.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 05:39 AM
1

Congrats to you as well! Best of luck in the future too.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 05:31 AM
2

Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 04:55 AM
3

Thanks, and I totally agree. I'm with my daughter on weekends, and then there's special allocations for holidays, birthdays and school breaks.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 04:55 AM
2

Absolutely, well said. I sucked up a lot and neither of us got everything we wanted, but one thing we are both getting out of this is a much happier, healthier, and hopefully well-adjusted daughter. Might I have taken a different (more expensive) route, and come out of this with more time with my daughter? Possibly. But it was not a sure thing, and certainly not in IL. The only sure thing would have been significantly more trauma for all of us, and less money in any of our pockets. For me, the c…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 04:32 AM
10

Thank you sir. I will say that I did not have to deal with the root cause of most horror stories I've read on this sub, namely the other half of the divorce being an absolute monster of a person. The ex was definitely stubborn and difficult at times, and for sure said some shit out of spite, but most of it I was able to chalk up to Divorce Sucks For Everyone and then write it off. And to be totally fair, I will say that the situation we've settled on is certainly not what others on this sub woul…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 04:22 AM
7

Mods get this shit off the sub. WTF is this?
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/21 06:36 AM
3

Hey buddy, sorry to hear about your situation and wish I had more to contribute beyond what others have suggested, which all seem like solid ideas. Only thing I can add is that hopefully you've got a support network to fall back on - family, relatives, close friends? Can't downplay the mental health impact of what she's done to you. Having others to bounce your thoughts off of, or just lean on emotionally, is huge.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/21 03:05 PM
2

My man, good on you! Beauty.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/21 01:58 AM
1

So nice.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/21 12:11 AM
2

Nice, that's what I'm talking about. I want to get myself an Eames lounger maybe. But my Ikea and Amazon furniture may feel inadequate.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/21 05:04 AM
2

If you're like me, you've read some of these replies and thought to yourself "This guy is being too harsh" or "He's just saying that because he doesn't understand our entire situation" or "That's not how all women are, she's better than that", and you're second guessing how seriously to take some of the advice and insights provided here. Don't make that mistake. Listen to the folks on this sub, and learn from their mistakes and experience. Sure, each woman is different just like each person is d…
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/21 08:41 PM
2

dont let it affect your time with your child. Take them out and spend the time with them. dont let them see anything but happiness Thanks. These three points are very similar to what have been driving my time with my daughter since the proceedings began.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/21 02:47 PM
1

I considered how much detail I should go into, and decided to keep it brief. And I know that, regardless of sub, this is Reddit. So I can understand why a lot of hot takes are "You gave up without a fight, so you deserve to pay, not to complain, grow up." I didn't give a lot of background or detail. We were together for nearly 14 years, and so I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say that I could know with a lot of certainty how she would have responded to a serious threat to take the custo…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/21 02:42 PM
2

As in, she'd want to lawyer up and take it to court and drag it out until she got what she wanted, or one of us went broke.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/21 03:51 AM
4

This makes sense to me. I want to contribute to the well-being of my daughter and if that means paying for her education/activities/stuff, I'll gladly do that. But what gets me about it is that I have no control over where that $1k/month gets spent. It should go directly towards the child's needs, but whats to stop the mother from spending $900 on herself? I saw no provision in the documents for how the child support should be spent. So it seems unfairly biased towards the custodial parent. "You…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/21 03:49 AM
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