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QueensJuju Archive

View 5 posts and 312 comments by QueensJuju on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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70

Somewhat similar to yours, but a bit worse. We had a mutual friend die, I had only met him once but he tried to use his sadness over his friends death to 1. Try to convince me to date him 2. While he was still in a relationship with a partner who already didn't trust him to be faithful 3. While attacking my current partner for not being "my type" 4. Was an obese 5. Drug addict 6. 15 years my senior. Blocked and deleted. It especially hurt because he came to me for emotional support about the los…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 02:03 AM
40

She was in multiple back to back long term abusive relationships from her teens into her 30's. Towards the end of our friendship she started using drugs, having unprotected rough sex with strangers during quarantine, dabbled in prostitution, and refused therapy. When we stopped talking it seemed like one of her kinky side pieces was turning into her next long term partner. Our friendship ending was extremely difficult, but I am so grateful I wasn't there for whatever came next. I don't know what…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/22 03:57 AM
197

I found this sub because someone was trashing it as being "extreme" 😅 I've also heard other women here say the same. It drives traffic, and those who can see the core message do. For other it takes time or doesn't happen. I remember thinking this sub was too extreme, and a Pickme friend agreed. I watched porn, was heavy into BDSM, didn't see anything wrong with those things (or going Dutch, or supporting a man through school). But the more I read here, and then the more I saw on the rest of redd…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/01/22 12:00 AM
20

There's a great subreddit for CPTSD. Even if you haven't been formally diagnosed, I think you'll find a lot of good information there. As someone who was raised in hell, you don't owe anyone a damn thing. Not your friends, not your spouse. I have spent my life as an open book and I have gotten so much more abuse because of it. I've dated two narcissists, both of whom fetishized and weaponized my past against me. To quote a line from an extremely misogynistic show, when giving dating advice Quagm…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 09:26 AM
32

As a sister with a mental illnesses, who has dated men with mental illnesses, please don't deny us our agency. Please don't conflate us with Kanye. Most importantly, please understand that there are key differences between men and women when discussing mental health. The patriarchy builds violent, emotionally unintelligent men. That is why this sub exists, to arm us with the strategies to protect our lives. Men who have a mental illness are a greater risk to us. Women are not groomed for predato…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 07:14 PM
14

Nah, bipolar people can't go jogging, stop being ableist. /s 🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 06:47 PM
24

Mentally ill people are capable of making poor choices outside of their mental illness. Not every action we take stems from our diagnosis, we are capable of making healthy and loving choices. Kanye is not a helpless person. He has ample resources. Many LVM also have mental illnesses, one can be mentally ill and still make a willful decision to be a bad partner. Mental illness doesn't erase systemic oppression and conditioning by the patriarchy. If you know something about Kanye other than his bi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 06:27 PM
13

Oh my gosh thank you for sharing that clip! I will definitely give it another go.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 06:10 PM
14

"Culture" is never an excuse for misogyny because misogyny exists in every culture. Oppression never deserves respect or protection. Whenever someone says, "But it's their culture", I correct them and say, "It's their cultural misogyny, racism, etc".
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 06:06 PM
39

I couldn't make it through the first season even though I thought it was such a well done show, it was really hard to watch a woman put herself through those situations. Does is get better in the second season?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 05:53 PM
54

I am diagnosed with CPTSD. My NV ex was also diagnosed with a mental illness, but he refused the help and hard work I embraced, choosing instead to beat and rape me. The mentally ill can just be bad people like everyone else, our ethics and choices can indeed be separate from our illness. We can and should be held accountable, and not every discussion about our behavior needs to include our diagnosis. This post isn't calling him out for being mentally ill, it's calling him out for being a bad hu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 05:41 PM
2

Thanks sis, glad you're out too! ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 03:31 PM
1

❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 03:30 PM
2

Thanks Queen, hugs and love to you as well, and congratulations on getting out! 🥰
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:01 PM
44

It's a popular night here for BDSM, I just left another comment on a newer thread 😅 I'll say for me, the reason I gravitated towards BDSM (as young as you, also was on FetLife), was because my childhood was hell. I had no hope, no dreams, no safety. The only power or worth I did seem to possess was sexual, and sex became so many things. A way to feel something other than fear and pain (a drug or adrenaline rush), a literal escape from my house if I could spend the night with someone, a source of…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 09:43 AM
91

It's really hard for me to discuss this topic, but I was heavy into BDSM from my early teens through most of my life. It's the only sex I've ever had. One day the "cnc" (consensual non-consent) suddenly became r*pe, but that event isn't the most traumatizing thing. It's a lifetime of sexual dysfunction. My abusive childhood groomed me for this, porn did too, the imagery in music and movies and books, then the scene parties and seminars and blogs - once the switch went off it was a rabbit hole my…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 09:21 AM
5

Yeah, the "I missed out" part...he even frames women's oppression as what HE'S lost. Nah, it's what we lost, entire lives to you just looking past us. Gross.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 02:55 AM
8

For real! "Sex isn't that important...because I can't get it up anymore. But it's made me realize what a PERSON you are!" 🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 02:52 AM
13

I hear you. I pretty much assume any man in the entertainment industry is a predator at this point. Guess that's why it's called systemic! :/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/21 09:36 PM
99

Yep yep. I met a 40 something at a show who was very obviously high and asked for my number. I said sure (with a fake ready), but was not interested in having a sexual relationship with anyone. He then launches into this bit about how he's recently divorced (mmmhmmm) and FINALLY had the realization that zomg, there's totes more to life than getting your dick wet! Now he's much more about "connecting" 😅 So...you fucked up your marriage, have only recently discovered emotional intelligence, and at…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/21 05:23 PM
59

This is exactly the type of person who recommended it to me 🤦‍♀️ And my sex posi liberal feminist pickme self rejected the book outright because instead of focusing on the worth of people, of learning how to foster good in myself and vet it in others, it told me I had to lie to the liars to nab me a dick on the regular. I didn't want that dysfunctional LV dick and I didn't want to be dysfunctional to get it, so I ended up doubling down on that hippy woo woo communication/strip clubs are cool non…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/21 05:11 PM
89

I really hate that book and I wish it would be removed from the recommended reading list. That book is what people who don't understand FDS think we're about: manipulating LVM into relationships to avoid being alone. The book doesn't encourage self confidence or independence outright, it encourages these things because men supposedly find those traits attractive. There are some throw away lines about how OF COURSE you're behaving this way to better yourself, but if in the meantime you don't feel…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/21 05:01 PM
17

Thank you, I've been seeing bisalp pop up in the Childfree subs and have been meaning to research it ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/21 06:09 PM
96

Former kinkmeisha here 🙋‍♀️ I've been taking a break from sex anyway, but the writing was on the wall when we lost RBG, and I started looking into tubal litigation (I'm Childfree so it's an easier decision). Even if I am able to get the procedure, if Roe vs. Wade is overturned I consider that an act of war against women. Out of solidarity, I'd commit to abstinence until it was reinstated. PUT THAT P*SSY ON STRIKE! No emotional labor, no domestic labor, and certainly no sexual labor until our int…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/21 05:12 PM
2

Giving ourselves grace is so important, and it's difficult to balance that with trying to be vigilant about avoiding unhealthy conditioning. I don't know if I'll ever be able to orgasm without pain, or internalize vetting to the point where I can select a safe partner. Radically accepting myself as I can while also being patient with rebuilding into who I wish to be is a tall order but, what else am I doing? 😅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/21 04:57 PM
49

Doomed romance, murder ballads, Bonnie & Clyde type bullshit. Bad boys with mental health issues and abrasive personalities were my type. When they'd make me the exception to their rules and be vulnerable it made me feel SpEsHuL 🤮 Because I was an abused kid, I had no blueprint for what healthy love looked like and didn't think it actually existed. I thought "nice & normal" people were faking it, lying to themselves and the world, and those of us who were damaged were authentic and honest. And t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/21 03:31 AM
6

Was poly for most of my sexually active life, never again. I was raped, given an STD, cheated on by a sex addict, introduced to so many people who get swallowed up by the "lifestyle" that they lose their entire personalities to chasing fulfillment from multiple partners. No thanks. It's hard to imagine being friends with someone who is poly at this stage in my life. If they're not respectful of you don't bother saying anything, and harassing you over your boundaries isn't respectful. Either they…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 09:56 PM
2

Thank you! She's in NY, which turns out is an equitable division state, so if the house is in his name only, getting married now wouldn't give her rights to the property, because it's an asset he acquired before marriage. A judge may decide differently, but it's different in every case. Seems like the best thing she can do is make sure she is insured, keep a private bank account with enough funds for an emergency, and make sure she's listed in the will.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/21 01:31 PM
10

I have a semi-related question. My unmarried friend and her forever boyfriend are in a 20yr age gap relationship and decided to buy a house and try for a baby. Well, they were successful. What are some of the risks she's facing here, financially and legally? "They" also bought a house, but I'm not sure if it's in both their names. I know it's his money, not hers, that paid for it. Would being married offer her any protection in terms of housing? Unless her name is on the deed, she's technically …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 12:58 PM
22

The one father I've met who is truly an equal partner is also a man who contributes to domestic tasks without having to be asked, like washing the dishes. When he doesn't know where something goes he asks where it goes instead of leaving it just anywhere. He doesn't behave as if these tasks will magically get done by "someone". It's difficult to vet for this but not impossible. Once you're at the point where you're spending time at each other's homes, you'll see 1. How he naturally maintains his…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/21 01:59 PM
6

Jesus :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 07:18 PM
7

Yes! It was the first time I felt uncomfortable and mistrusting of other women sexually, which was a mindfuck I didn't need to have. I stopped talking to anyone involved in that mess, the behavior of both men and women in the scene is predatory.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 07:15 PM
13

Awesome! Even if it's too late to make a real difference in his families life, it's just wonderful to have one less person like that in the world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 06:54 PM
21

Technically gout, anemia, and one other thing that also doesn't make a person rape children 🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 06:53 PM
180

Exactly. So did she apparently, in another interview she says her mother is still with her father, even though he once set their apartment on fire with everyone inside of it. The message is clear - you don't leave abusers, you stand by them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 04:57 AM
77

It's very much like a cult. Being polyamorous consumes the rest of their personality, to the point where they think bringing a collar and leash to a business conference is normal 🤦‍♀️ It's sick how they start to view every single social interaction as an opportunity for more sex. They spin that as an appreciation of intimacy, of having enough love to give to multiple people, but it's really just desperate sexual harassment fueled by emptiness and often abuse. Sooooo much abuse, and they don't po…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 03:29 AM
11

This. Let him out himself, and you're free to calmly state a boundary, which he will mock/ignore. If people don't see that for what it is, or don't understand why you wouldn't want to be around that, then you also know whether or not those friends are high value too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 03:16 AM
3

No social media presence at all is suspicious, as much as I would like to appreciate it at face value I wouldn't. I don't particularly care for social media and I value privacy and engaging in the world around me, but even I have accounts for following bands or selling stuff. Men lie to have sex, that's always the more likely scenario. ETA: if he's a vetted HVM who just doesn't dig social media, I think that's awesome though. A lot of what's on social media is toxic garbage, and so much of popul…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 02:05 AM
376

Just wanted to point out, her brother raped his 11 year old step-daughter regularly over a period of 8 months. He blamed it on having gout. Seriously. Nicki tried to sway the judge to let him off easy: "The judge said his heart was like a "stone" when it came to pleas for mercy from those who advocated on Maraj's behalf, which included letters from the defendant's sister and other supporters. Nicki Minaj's letter, dated Sept. 19, 2016, described her brother as "the most patient, gentle, genuine,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 01:55 AM
133

I dated a scrote deeply entrenched in the polyamorous/Burning Man community. It's full of some of the most broken, dysfunctional, ugly, drug addicted people in costume I've ever met (and I adore Mardi Gras, so that's really saying something). He was acutely aware that I didn't look like them, was proud, and I got TONS of attention because of it. I was young and worked out multiple times a week, well groomed, extremely clean. That was rare in the scene, so I was fawned over. And I was just like..…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 01:42 AM
2

Haha thank you for the correction! It's been awhile since I've watched 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/09/21 12:08 AM
97

I genuinely love walking: it clears my head, keeps me active, let's me explore new places. And I can do all that after I've vetted someone. This was one of the things that made me sad to give up at first. Not anymore. My walks are for me and people I know I want to spend hours meandering with. Not some rando. And I REALLY think it's best to not do a free activity until you're more established because men openly admit to trying to have as many cheap dates as possible to increase their odds of hav…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/21 05:53 AM
59

Xander in Buffy the Vampire slayer. Lots of problems with that "feminist" show but Xander fucked up every single relationship he had and he deserved NONE of those women. He drooled over Buffy and was passive aggressive when she didn't want his soft, incapable ass, while ignoring Willow who he actually had things in common with. Then he lands Cordelia, whose gorgeous and motivated and cheats on her with Willow - because it's about acquisition and his own ego, not love. Anya gives up ETERNITY to b…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/21 05:39 AM
4

Hey, you're doing all the right stuff right now. The important thing is to get out. Even after my ex assaulted me numerous times, I kept hoping that he would make the changes he kept saying he would make. I kept hoping that the love I felt was real. You're not stupid, you've been manipulated and lied to by someone who pretended to love you. That happens to so many of us. And it's normal to want that abuse to stop, for that person to suddenly comprehend the damage they're doing and undo it. The i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/21 12:49 AM
3

Thanks love :) In regards to what to tell him...I agree with FDS on this, that it's best to say as little as possible. Especially an abusive man, you don't want to risk violence or even just a verbal fight. You're leaving him to get away from that, so there's not a compelling reason to expose yourself to more. A breakup "explanation" is very similar to sending a paragraph; think about why you're doing it. Is it because you still put importance on him realizing he's abusive? Are you hoping for on…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/21 10:43 PM
2

It is. Leaving my ex was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I left my abusive family, I quit drinking, I overcame disabilities to support myself, but him? It felt like withdrawals. I knew on paper the relationship was poison, I would tell him he was abusive, I wasn't in denial. But I also knew that I didn't believe I could do better, and that life was so lonely and miserable that being without the good times with him was an unbearable loss. In leaving him, I was finally able to address co…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/21 12:11 PM
2

❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/21 11:58 AM
14

Congratulations on cutting him off! Sometimes going through trauma gives (women) so much empathy for others, because we know how it hurts to be damaged and we know the work it takes to heal. We also don't flinch at the dark parts of a person as much, we can hear the stories and not become embarrassed or judgemental. Men just take advantage of this! They're not raised to reciprocate or support or comfort or listen, so they accept that goodness from us but have no tools of their own. My ex also ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 05:12 AM
15

I wrote books worth of words to my NV ex. I think it was here where I first saw the rule of "no paragraphs". I was in the right headspace to very suddenly understand why it's useless to explain at length, in great detail, with great vulnerability, how your abuser is hurting you. They know. They aren't capable of stopping. Or they choose not to. I really thought if I worded it right, if I showed I understood his soul, that I supported his growth, that I myself was committed to fighting my demons,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 04:54 AM
7

🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 04:41 AM
24

I'm not going to push this, but I will just point out men routinely use therapy in manipulative ways. I dated a diagnosed narcissist who I convinced to enter therapy. He LOVED it. He never stopped going. I know this because after cutting him off 11 years ago he showed up at my door in the middle of the night, maskless during COVID, to tell me about how he never stopped going. The letter was filled with much more alarming things than that. Girl. 🤦‍♀️ He wasn't going to therapy that whole time for…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 04:40 AM
10

You can do it, I'm so excited for you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 04:20 AM
23

My ex lived this like a personal philosophy. Every aspect of his life was a dumpster fire but it was never his fault, and anyone who tried to hold him accountable was demonized or didn't "understand" him. My Pickme self wouldn't have been able to internalize that DARVO meant he was not capable of being helped, if I had known what it was then. My dumbass would have read him the description so he could better understand his behavior and make changes 🤡🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 04:19 AM
2

Just looked up ABM, I like a lot of what she says! I just saw her tweet about alone time being essential to personal development. Gotta face that fear of abandonment/your inner demons! FDS turned me into Clementine Ford. She's also not 100% FDS, if I remember right she's sex posi/ kink friendly, but I rarely see that come up in her content.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 04:01 AM
26

Oh my gosh YES. FUCKING YES. That is so well said. I was abused as a child, and it took being abused by an especially heinous man to understand how much I loved myself. I thought he was like me - that's why I fell for him. I thought we were committed to growth, thought we valued loyalty, thought "we" were all these things. So I was so hurt and confused by his bad behavior...it seemed like a starving man walking away from a feast. How could you fuck THIS up? It was because he was nothing like me,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 03:45 AM
29

It makes total sense, I relate 100%! Like the commenter below, I ignored red flags because I was focused on potential. I made endless excuses and poured in so much time and effort into supporting their growth. I was always put into a mommy/therapist/healing role. Before it even gets that serious though, there's that rush, that giddy excitement of new love and the new possibilities of joy and sharing new experiences...and that's what hooks you. Possibility. It's so important to just see what's in…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 03:36 AM
5

Man, I look so fucking cute in pink, but my boho/rocker girl self still struggles with wearing it 😪 A friend gave me some pieces in those colors and they totally made me rethink why I rejected them before, it's rooted in the disdain of being a "girly girl".
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/21 08:45 PM
300

This started happening to me about a year ago, and I'm so grateful. Before my Pickme brain would see or think of an attractive man and imagine him behaving in wonderful ways, speaking with intelligence; I'd picture all the fun things we could do together, etc. All I was doing was projecting the qualities I wanted onto someone who I didn't even know had them, and that type of man is so rare it's not practical to spend my time imagining or fantasizing about it. Now when I try to imagine a man havi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/21 08:32 PM
13

I stopped using the term Karen fairly early on for this reason - it's literally just shaming women for speaking. That's it. And I point it out to others when I hear them using it too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/21 05:11 PM
5

I adore the term houseproud! I put a lot of time and love into beautifying my space, I want someone who contributes to and appreciates that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/21 08:13 AM
10

No anime or videogames 👏
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/21 08:09 AM
30

Adaptability and stability. It ain't a contradiction, roll with change but also be consistent in who you are. Evolve but don't be erratic. Patience. For children and animals and servers and at red lights. Laugh at yourself. And overall having a sense of humor that isn't hostile or mean. Social. Know how to be a good host and guest, have and make friends and connections of quality. Love food. To eat and cook it. No porn/BDSM Help without being asked or managed. Apologizes with ease. Affirms other…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/21 07:59 AM
4

I agree, I will never see a male therapist again. I also won't see male doctors. Honestly, any time I'm given a choice for who to interact with and who to give my money to, I'm going with a woman. Because the odds of me being disrespected or manipulated or abused significantly decrease. That also elevates women; denying men our profit and attention is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and our sisters. And double agree on vetting your therapist even more stringently then a partner! Y…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/04/21 01:49 PM
4

Thank you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 02:29 PM
5

I'm not the original commenter and this is all new to me, but my take on this is : if someone is espousing the principles of a movement, but does not live those principles, they should be called out. "The rules are for thee, not for me", is never acceptable. Doing good work for one movement while hurting another isn't acceptable. I am also not very familiar with Marxism, but in a YouTube video Cullors identifies as a Marxist. This movement believes the ruling class exploits the working class thr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 02:22 PM
36

It does feel like gaslighting. There is a great quote I read on FDS once, the right thinks women are private property while the left thinks we're public property.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 01:29 PM
19

I just posted downthread that I've begun to identify as anti-capitalist, but I'm not sure where that will lead me, practically. I'm still exploring what those ideas mean to me, but I too advocate for women to be financially independent. So long as this is where we live, that's what benefits us. I see your point about identifying as a socialist and then using your fame from a civil rights movement to generate millions...and then buying multiple expensive homes. She could have put the profits from…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 05:06 AM
128

Thank you for this post. I am tired of "woke" men who have all the privileges jumping on a supposedly liberal bandwagon that promotes us giving them more, and more violent, sex while they contribute less financially and still don't carry their domestic weight. Men aren't doing anything to lift us up unless they are fighting for our financial and bodily autonomy, not the right to be choked and work as cam girls. Doing the dishes and not shooting their shot with a coworker and raising their childr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 04:23 AM
25

Can you tell me a bit more about the landlord scheme and those who profit off BLM? Or direct me to some sources you like? I've seen criticisms of the movement but this is the first I'm hearing of these specifically. I did a bit of searching before I commented, and I do see the LA Times article about some chapters asking for transparency about where the funding is going because they feel they haven't been given enough input or funds. The Post (blech) has an article about one of the co-founders ap…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 03:32 AM
13

I'm so sorry that happened to you as well :( And thank you for the work you're doing, it's nice to hear from women like you in the field.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 12:06 AM
15

Everyone can sit here and tell me to leave, but at the end of the day, you don’t know my husband and you don’t know me. This is why I don't bother reading or commenting on these posts, because the woman is just asking for permission to stay. She's unhappy, but she won't leave, so Reddit, please provide the magic solution to Deeply Rooted Problem that does not involve leaving. I can't relate anymore. I know I was her once, but now that I've gotten out I don't even know how to talk to women like h…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 11:16 PM
44

The term "high conflict couple" needs to be erased. I forgot about it until this post, and I forget which self help book gave me the term to apply to my abusive relationship. It's code for abuse. There is no "working" with it. The book had online reviews saying the couples discussed should have broken up. Preserving the relationship is NOT the priority, in any scenario. It just can't be. It's insulting and immoral to treat an abusers viewpoint as legitimate simply because he's entered into a the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 10:36 PM
58

The moment I saw that pop up I noped out. I'm glad there was a success story in there, but I could not stomach putting myself through watching. I knew without knowing what was going to be shown :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 10:07 PM
14

I agree that black culture devalues women in a particularly graphic and violent way, and I don't want to derail holding black men accountable for the choices they make. Women of every race still are able to level up, it's men that weaponize the oppression they experience against others. But I also understand why hearing there is something inherently wrong with black men, because they are black, sounds like an attack of blackness broadly. I think in America, I can see a correlation between denial…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 05:19 AM
10

Yes. What I got from the post is that many black women feel abandoned by the black men in their communities. I have also seen the critique of black men that they do not want to elevate their fellow black women, they simply want the privileges that white men have. I think there is merit to that, and I think that each feminist has her own cultures misogyny to confront. But particularly in the case of blackness, it's not being black that contributes to LV, it's still white oppression. I think that'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 03:51 AM
9

I'm sorry you're being down voted, name calling is not how we should address each other. The intersectionality of race and misogyny is a complex topic, you're a sister here, I am interested in what you have to say.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 03:28 AM
2

I feel confidence and knowing yourself is half the battle and really understanding red flags is the other. For sure! You can't stand up for yourself properly when you secretly feel you're not worthy or capable of healthy love.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 01:28 PM
19

It's true. When I left the man who put me in the hospital with his abuse, I was suicidal. I stopped eating. I couldn't focus on anything and the pain of both being with him and being without him seemed like a double edged sword I couldn't find relief from. It. Gets. Better. So much better. Better than I could have pictured, because who I was then couldn't visualize such amazing things for myself. That's how I ended up with a NVM in the first place. Doing that work to get free and clean my head w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 01:12 AM
4

Definitely be kind to yourself, that's still very recent. You're taking the right steps!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 01:06 AM
61

Ever since I've found FDS, I'm extremely suspicious of anyone who tries to tell ME how I feel. Healthy people don't do this, they either ASK how you feel or tell you how THEY feel. It's a bizarre thing to do that I didn't catch when I was vulnerable, but manipulators are great story tellers. If you want to feel a strong connection with a man hard enough, when they start creating a narrative you can sometimes get sucked into the story. There were times I even thought that they cared for me so muc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 01:02 AM
29

Thank you for this reminder, I try to catch myself doing this. I'm also guilty of using too many !!!! And 😁😁😁 and lol's to convey a light hearted tone. I am admittedly an expressive person who gets VERY EXCITED ABOUT EVERYTHING, but I could tone it down some.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/21 10:47 PM
19

I'm not currently dating, but I do think COVID could make anyone hesitant to go on a dinner date. That being said... Outdoor dining is still a popular option in most places, so that's not a real excuse unless it's during the coldest months, when cases may be spiking and HV people probably aren't keen on meeting in person anyway. COVID should also have caused you both to spend more time talking over the phone and video chatting as a precaution, so you're already sure you're going to want to spend…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/21 10:42 PM
2

Try now!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 03:34 PM
22

Ditto when I was told I needed to forgive my rapist and that "women rape too". DONE. FUCKING DONE. I had my Pickme problems, boy did I. But I never weaponized my trauma to attack someone who spent YEARS supporting me. She came to me for so much wasted advice and "venting". Never again. I will validate a woman's reality a few times, but once it becomes clear she's choosing to stay on her current path I have no place for her in my life. There are other women who will benefit from knowing me and I …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 02:23 PM
18

Don't beat yourself up, you were trying to help her and another commenter here used a great phrase, "Your words sow seeds". It took you 3 years to break away (me too). How many friends and strangers and commenters on the internet and articles did we ignore during that time? For so many of us, this is learned behavior we were groomed for, and the process to fix it takes time. If she becomes more receptive to change, she WILL remember your words. Your voice will be one of many that pushes her to b…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 12:32 AM
7

I've decided to stay on a few of those subs because of the lack of quality responses to posts. I don't comment often, but there are times you can tell the OP is just on the cusp of a personal breakthrough, and I just celebrate her wins and encourage self love and boundary setting. The responses are sometimes so lovely, and other women who read the thread will sometimes chime in and say my comment helped them. That's why I do it. Not often, because I just can't. But my hope is seeing a loving fem…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 12:22 AM
9

Congratulations my dear!! I was told I had "high standards" for the first time in my life this year. FDS flashed before my eyes lol! It felt like a coming of age of sorts, I was so proud.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 12:05 AM
22

Such a great example of healthy love, thanks for sharing! Also, I would love to go to a friend's house for a gathering and see someone casually painting, seeing art created in casual settings is so unexpectedly beautiful :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 11:51 PM
5

🙌
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/21 09:27 PM
26

Hooooold up lol! I think there's more to unpack here... You offered to rearrange a work obligation - this is something that FDS says we should not do anyway, just give him a time that you have free, don't change your schedule. You literally told him a date with him is more important than your job by doing that, it creates a power imbalance! Even if you had something you were willing to move around for him, that's not information he needs. It's just communicating how much you value a date with hi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/21 09:16 PM
28

Savage reply, I love it! There are so many red flags in such a short response 😅 He's 30 and it's a pandemic, so this is especially dangerous. He was drinking longer if he's hungover, meaning he was exposed to people for longer, taking his mask off more often, going inside to use the bathroom more, and knows people who also think that behavior is ok so they expose themselves to others too. Getting trashed before his date with you shows he did not put a high value on the time you were going to spe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/21 08:50 PM
3

You too! :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/21 08:12 PM
3

Thanks love - and your mom sounds like an incredible woman!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/21 08:10 PM
9

I agree that because all cultures are misogynistic, none are guaranteed to produce HVM. But there are differences in how intensely a culture is misogynistic, and if a culture is much more brutal or overt in its misogyny, I think I would be less likely to find a HVM there. If a man was raised in a culture where women can't hold political office, or drive; if his culture executes women for being raped or divorced; if women are not allowed to own property - I have a hard time imagining I would be s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/21 08:01 PM
10

In some cultures it is normal to remain with the family until or even after marriage. My immediate thought about such scenarios is a concern for abuse, homophobia, economic and education based manipulation, etc. In a situation where you're expected to blend your life and financial independence with a large group, that group better have your interests at heart, and be extremely healthy and diplomatic. I don't think most cultures design their systems to benefit women, so I push back against any sy…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/21 07:42 PM
2

Can I get a code please?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/21 01:57 PM
12

Very much this. He couldn't have sex that wasn't rough or degrading, then he got black out drunk and cheated. OP, this is textbook LV BS. Every one of us has been there, you're making the right decision. And it's totally normal to feel how you do right now, the eagerness to start anew alternating with the stomach dropping aches and fears, identifying his hurtful behavior while defending the parts you still see the good in. The time away from this relationship is going to be a rebirth, without a …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/03/21 08:49 PM
1

Thanks sis 🥰
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/03/21 12:16 PM
9

We can't link to other subs, but if you google the title it comes right up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/03/21 02:16 AM
35

When he got to the part about the tummy tuck I became convinced it was fake too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/03/21 02:15 AM
4

Thank you love! As an abused child, I was taught everything I did/made was garbage. Posting this was a real self-esteem building exercise! 🥰💪This sub is such a gift, this and therapy have been the biggest positive influences of my adult life. I am so grateful to you all!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 02:42 PM
7

Seriously. I buy thoughtful gifts for people - they never tell me what they want. I love them so I pay attention to what's important to them - I do this naturally. With co-workers I pull my own weight, I don't have to be asked. When addressing professionals I use their title. With everyone I say please and thank you. This is basic socialization essential to being a good person. Pickmes and LVM advocate that men are good - good father's, good friends, good employees, good members of their communi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 02:30 PM
3

It eventually went through, wasn't any of those things, but I guess it just takes time to get through the screening process!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 01:51 PM
5

That line was special to me. I have a big, deep love, and when a man engages it that's the most erotic thing in the world :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 01:49 PM
6

🥰 Not gonna lie, I've been singing my version around the house since last night. Because I love the beat, so it's nice to not have to sing about my own degradation!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 01:44 PM
3

You should definitely re-write songs that have a beat you love but whose lyrics are problematic!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 01:42 PM
6

Haha thank you! When I got to that part I was like...I really like pasta, I gotta keep that in there 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 01:38 PM
3

Thank you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 01:34 PM
7

Omgggg yes!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 01:34 PM
5

Thank ya! 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 02:58 AM
9

Thank you so much! Wouldn't have thought of it without ya and dear God what a pain in the ass it was to get posted 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 02:54 AM
1

Test!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 12:58 AM
7

Anyone else have trouble posting to the sub? I made two posts, neither violate any rules, but both were removed. I didn't hear from the mods last time, I'm hoping for a response about the post I made tonight. But is this a thing anyone else has experienced? I want to participate more!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/21 12:11 AM
7

I ADORE this!!! Surprised it didn't get more attention, this is my new favorite song, thanks for sharing :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 11:51 PM
1

I think you should! For awhile ring pics were popular, I'd be thrilled to see WAP remixes instead.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 11:41 PM
74

Is he also wearing pajama pants lol?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 11:23 PM
86

And the pigtails...she's got all bases covered. I thought the same thing lol.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 11:18 PM
3

I made the post! I mentioned you and linked back to your comment with your own anthem - let me know if that's ok, and if not I'll remove it :) This was so much fun!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 11:15 PM
5

Girl I'm still high from doing it 😂 Thank you so much for giving me the inspiration! Getting it off my computer...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 10:32 PM
46

Agreed. A dating profile is a place to talk about yourself, not coach any passing women on their self esteem. It's great if he believes these principles, but presenting it in place of actual substance about HIM makes me think it's a gimmick to lure women in. Recovering Pickme: "I know you said wait a month, but I'm ready now. I really feel you respect me". Him: Aw shucks, well I really think it's better for YOU if we wait, but if you feel ready, I feel honored" Then he ghosts after smashing cuz …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 10:29 PM
3

I just wrote one, it just CAME OUT of me in the last hour but I'm so self conscious about posting lmfao! 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 10:07 PM
7

Holy shit boo, you are my heroine for the day!!! Omg, this so amazing, love your initiative and creativity! My favorite parts: "He said I need to twerk like those girls he's got no chance with/when I twerk on his dick and he can't even time himself with it" "guess I'm medically confused from the lack of foreplay" "How many queens out there don't need to rev the engine/sorry bitch can't give you a medallion" 🔥🔥🔥 I would LOVE to see more of these from our fellow users!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 08:35 PM
6

FOR REAL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 04:07 PM
56

She is literally describing everything men like to do, what they jerk off to in porn, and saying she does it well. The ONLY reason the song is getting mainstream hate is because she says she enjoys it too, that she consents. No one wants the porn silenced, no one wants to stop having the sex she's talking about - they just want her to stop talking about it. LibFems then interpret this as silencing their sexuality and double down on "I wanna gag, I wanna choke". There is no equivalent anthem for …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 01:45 PM
19

The rage I feel on your behalf at the phrase "sensitivity to perceived pain" can't be conveyed in this comment. I am so sorry ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 01:20 PM
14

I became partially paralyzed in kindergarten. Doctors told my abusive mother I was "probably faking", which caused her to lash out more. Turns out I had a rare disorder and had to be hospitalized so I didn't die. This is not an exceptional situation. I've had two chronic conditions in my life that lasted 3-10 years. I saw multiple doctors and was told repeatedly the problem was "in my head". Firstly, it's never been true, after much struggle and wasted time and misery, eventually the tide change…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 01:18 PM
2

You too! ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 01:03 PM
6

Thanks for your response love. I'm glad to hear you've had some positive influences in your life that have helped you get on the right path :) This is definitely the right journey! Sex has been one of the biggest FDS hurdles for me, there's a lot to unpack. Using sex for comfort like you said (sooooo many ONS I didn't even want), falling for the wrong man because the sex was good, messing up my brain with massive chemical dumps from those relationships and going through seemingly literal withdra…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 02:47 PM
8

I disagree, it's plagiarism no matter what the intent, and I think humor that honors the female experience deserves better (lord knows there's plenty of material). Since he essentially stole it, it also makes me wonder if he even believes any of it, or if it's just a good line he saw online and knew he could make it work in a "progressive" set. If he's truly on our side, he shouldn't have trouble coming up with original material! Worse, if the original joke came from a female creator, he's co-op…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 02:16 PM
23

So I enjoyed this bit, but I recognized it from having it saved to my phone in meme form for years. "Girls are not machines that you put kindness coins into and sex falls out" is a phrase I've seen online for awhile, Googling brings up results on Reddit from 2015 🤔 Comedians build off each other's jokes but that one is basically a retelling of the meme.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 09:48 AM
71

"Women who think sexual boundaries are oppressive" So that line right there is how so many of us former LibFems get trapped. Historically, women have been shamed for expressing our sexuality, from being comfortable in our bodies and clothes. Men legally restricted our sexuality, punished us for it. So the first steps we took were simply to wear the mini skirt, to have sex casually, to fight for the mere ability to be sexual in the ways men had the ability too, because the only type of sexuality …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 06:09 PM
103

Came here just to say this. Every time I see a woman asking a men's sub for advice I cringe. I'm so grateful that at 34 I'm not asking strange men on Reddit "what it means" when a man ghosts me after traveling to "see" (read: fuck) another woman.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 05:27 PM
2

He's definitely the man child sort, stuck in adolescence!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/21 06:00 PM
15

Love this post! One shitty compliment I got recently was, "You calm me down - no one can do that". This was from a gun toting drug user who was proud of his willingness to "throw down" over any slight. Gross. My Pickme friend used to brag about these types of compliments from her own violent, drug using LVM. All the hits: "You call me out, you can handle me, you're too good for me, you're so much smarter than me, I can't open up this way to anyone else". LVM love to tell you how they're going to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/21 12:00 AM
8

I noticed that she initially tries to rationalize his predatory betrayal by making this about his desire to be a father to a biological child. He didn't fuck someone young enough TO BE HIS CHILD because he wanted to care for anyone. He had a family that was utilizing his love and support, he chose to withdraw it. She initially internalizes his betrayal as a personal failure, something lacking in the life she gave to him. I think this is important to focus on because when we're blinded by love ch…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/21 04:08 PM
4

This comment is so well put, thank you for writing it! The person who is part of the population that has been bred and conditioned to oppress you is most likely not the one who should be trying to liberate your mind and heal your wounds. Your point about inherited trauma particularly hits home - I've heard it discussed in regards to abusive childhoods, but what happens when your culture is abusive, your geography is abusive? Generations that have been denied medical care, education, proper diet,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/21 07:29 AM
19

My jaw is actually open....jesus christ that's sick. I am so, so sorry :( I hate that so many of us have stories like this. Despite me and my friends being fairly open with each other, it wasn't until I started looking online for answers to my healthcare problems that I began understanding it wasn't just me with these awful experiences. Fuck these doctors.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/21 01:51 AM
35

Wow...I am so sorry you went through that 😔 It's awful that the people we're encouraged to be the most vulnerable with will sometimes use that trust to give us MORE trauma. Did you end up finding someone you could work with? I saw one other woman before finding my current therapist and she's just amazing!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/21 01:45 AM
30

For real :/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/21 01:37 AM
45

I am so sorry :( Women abusing women is such an awful kind of betrayal. I hope whichever doctor you decide to see going forward is amazing :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/21 01:37 AM
282

As someone whose seen way too many GYNs in her life, I can safely say men and women both ignored and invalidated me. But men were the only ones who outright abused me or insulted me. I won't see male doctors anymore, not GP's or therapists (male therapists cannot be trusted with vulnerable women IMO), even dentists if I can help it. If there is a woman choice I'm taking it, I've fucking HAD IT. But there are good male doctors out there, I even had one truly amazing male GYN. I'm just passed the …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/21 10:49 PM
3

Aw sis, I’m so happy my words resonated with you! 😊 Re misogynistic people: I’ve gone so far as to limit or end friendships with other women who don’t identify as feminists, or who are Pickme’s, for that same reason. Friendships with anyone who’s not a feminist leave me drained, frustrated, or manipulated. Non-feminists give us bad advice, they dismiss our feelings, and they vent about drama we’ve often left behind. How can someone care about you while divorcing you from your own reality, your o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/21 03:43 AM
6

Nice job!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 04:48 AM
30

Yep yep, I definitely get it! This is why it's so important to not get emotionally invested quickly. There's this great song by Dinah Washington called "Relax Max", and she's telling him to calm down and take his time, because she's been fooled by romance but there is NO RUSH. It sometimes feels like there is a rush of course, but we have to stop that from becoming a defining factor in how we choose and behave with our partners otherwise....LVM low value all over the place. The last scrote said …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 04:42 AM
12

This an extremely thoughtful and well written post!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 04:22 AM
5

Men like this are rare, but I am lucky to be close with two. I cannot be with someone who cannot discuss feminism and participate in tearing down misogyny, it's essential to their self awareness. If they roll their eyes at feminism, they are not aware of their own privilege and role in oppression - and thus cannot be good partners or even friends to me - end of story. I don't advertise that I'm a feminist to new partners, it's not something that I feel I need to spell out, it's in my behavior. I…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 04:12 AM
7

I want to see a campy revenge movie where rapists get murdered That's not what this is? :*( *sadly removes it from watchlist* The only reason I was even willing to sit through an upsetting rape scene was for what I thought would be an empowering, funny story taking place in some alternate universe where the bad guys get theirs.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 03:48 AM
30

Agree with all this. OP I don't think what you did was wrong, but there can be blowback from something like this. His now ex girlfriend may also still decide to go back to him (so many of us have been there ourselves or have watched this happen with others), so keep your distance.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 03:39 AM
16

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💔🤮
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 03:20 AM
107

This! LVM will pursue you to a level that is uncomfortable, their interest develops too quickly to be based in any depth, they idolize you for what you represent and offer them but not as an independent person. Once they see they can't fulfill your needs or measure up to your expectations they start to tear you down to their level so they don't lose you and have to face their own shortcomings. I have fallen for this, I've seen friends do it, it can suck you in bad if you're not confident enough …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 03:08 AM
86

I remember talking about a narcissistic ex shortly after I left, and saying he only had to give a LITTLE more. He only had to do the bare minimum because I was already hooked, already in love. But he couldn't even do that, instead he got worse, and I found myself here. I'm happy he didn't bother trying because now I know it gets so much better, but at the time I was completely confused.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 07:34 PM
241

What is this even?? 😂🙄 Conflating passion with disrespect, complaining about not being allowed to disrespect, jfc. To answer your question, YES I HAVE. A close friend of mine died during pandemic, and a mutual acquaintance I only met once broke the news. He expressed interest in me multiple times despite that limited exposure, and the 🚩were numerous (15 years my senior, drug use, poor health, violent, overly intense interest without knowing me). But worst of all, he tried to use my friends death…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 07:24 PM
54

Yep, he just insulted her and her whole gender.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 06:10 PM
119

I am a huge fan of Buffy and Firefly but wasn't aware of all I'm now reading on Google. Multiple actors and actresses he worked with have accused him of abusive behavior, in particular Charisma Carpenter (who played Cordelia) says he fired her for getting pregnant, accusing her of doing so to sabotage to show and trying to force her to work when she was told to rest. Michelle Trachtenberg who played Dawn said his behavior with her as a teenager was not appropriate. 😔 Here's my take away from thi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 03:26 PM
10

There are countless, but throwing in the woman (whose name I can't recall) who worked for the army corps of engineers, who were responsible for the levees failing during hurricane Katrina. This was a man made, not a natural, disaster. Check out The Big Uneasy, amazing documentary.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/01/21 12:02 AM
3

"Gave me access" sounds extra creepy. All I heard was, "You cannot withdraw consent after giving it". Yes I can. At any time I can deny you anything of mine, and I don't need to explain or notify. Fuck this guy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/21 11:52 PM
1

What is PPF?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/21 11:49 PM
60

THE LEGACY is the most popular reason I hear men give for wanting children 🤮 Not a one has ever been a man I'd want to see more of.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/21 11:45 PM
4

I'm legit trying to think of subtle ones because I honestly flocked to glaring red flags instead of running from them 🤦‍♀️ -Chronic lateness. Dude was late to our second date and to every single thing after that, to the point where he let down friends and was penalized at work. -Getting special treatment. Sometimes it's cool that your connection hooks you up with something, or you know about something cool because of a friend. But if you have a group removed from a table so we can sit, or you cu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/21 11:41 PM
2

Same trajectory. I hated that book when I read it and hate it now, for different reasons, but it really started me on this path.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/21 11:14 PM
11

Women not getting to eat what they want because of men who are picky/trash eaters is extremely common. Diet differences is an absolute deal breaker for me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/21 11:11 PM
5

At this point I just give them FDS advice in the comments without saying that's what it is, and DM them book recommendations. The response has been amazing, I even got my first gold. But it's tragic I can't point them to the community, I just don't want to risk any of the drama. I hope they find their way themselves.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/01/21 10:40 PM
13

Came here to say this. Herpes in particular really needs to be destigmatized. From John's Hopkins: "Fifty to 80 percent of American adults have oral herpes (HSV-1)...Genital herpes, caused by HSV-1 or HSV-2, affects one out of every six people in the U.S. age 14 to 49. Genital herpes infections can be asymptomatic" Herpes can often be acquired by a child during birth, or from being kissed by family growing up. When I was diagnosed, I found out my doctors never tested me for many years prior beca…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/01/21 06:00 AM
5

I’m seeing a lot of comments that conflate healthy skepticism with being overly critical. learning to manage negative emotions healthily is extremely important I agree! Speaking our truth does not mean we're being negative, and I'm sure most women here have had that argument used to invalidate them. The angry, man hating feminist is a caricature used to threaten us with being perceived in an unflattering way, or threaten us with the fear of chasing away men. And a lot of people misunderstand FDS…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/01/21 03:25 PM
7

"WHAT ABOUT MALE SCUICUDE RATES!!! MALE WORK FATALITIES, MALE EMOTIONAL BOTTLING" My IRL response has been, "Go talk to your patriarchy about that". Not that this is the point of feminism, but feminism WILL also help them by tearing down the patriarchy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/01/21 11:22 PM
5

Thanks!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/01/21 11:07 PM
14

"Have you ever seen an angry pothead?” I just say,”Yes, when you take away pot and force them face reality without their cannabis crutch.” 😂 I need to remember this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/01/21 11:06 PM
7

Thank you for the heads up! 🙏
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/01/21 10:14 PM
45

I understand what you're saying, but there are many women here without HVM in their lives. Not in their families, not at their jobs, not amongst their friends, and not in their love life. They are even rare in media and art. That's where the "negativity" is coming from. From the many abusive things real, actual men have done to us. In that setting, saying negative words and thoughts attract negativity isn't relevant or necessarily true. Negative things happen to women regardless of what we say o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/01/21 10:13 PM
22

This looks incredible! How's the violence? I'm pretty squiemish regardless of whether the violence is justified or not, I hate the sounds/images of people being hurt.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/01/21 09:52 PM
20

Queen, you're on fire! 😍 I love hearing from so many successful ladies here. It's incredible how unwilling men are to help themselves, and how their solution to doing work is to outsource it to us. I have CPTSD, and was much younger than my ex. It was still me who had to "help" him, and still me who was blamed for not fixing him. He was a full time second job, there is no excuse for doing that to someone. That this is a common narrative that most women have experienced is fucking pathetic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/21 01:37 AM
2

Damn!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/21 01:16 AM
3

Yep, dated an addict myself! Part of recovery is relapsing, it's rare anyone stays clean the first go around. My ex had been to rehab twice that I know of, if he was telling the truth at all, and he'll likely be on and off the wagon till he's dead. Part of many programs is not starting new relationships early on in treatment, and 1 year sober is seen as a precarious time where relapse is common. A YEAR. And that's fine, for the addict. But it's not our job to sign on for that process. We're not …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/21 12:52 AM
56

Untreated ADD is a hand grenade in a relationship. My brother has it, and I've had two ex's with the diagnosis - one who was proactive about treatment and one who wasn't. The difference was night and day. People underestimate the diagnosis, but many non-ADD partners complain of being the only adult in the relationship with a partner who is not seeking treatment. The only one who can manage the bills, complete household chores, keep appointments, run errands. It can take 3 hours to get the dry cl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/01/21 11:41 PM
57

If someone refuses to get treatment for their mental illness, that's an example of choosing. My poly over 40 poor ex with ADD had never seen a therapist before I, over a decade his junior, insisted. He had never tried medication, or even read a book on his own diagnosis (schools and primary care doctors suggested treatment to his parents as a child, who refused). I just wanted to add that clarification. We don't choose our diagnoses, but we do choose to get help!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/01/21 10:49 PM
3

I'll take this a step further, and I'm a victim of abuse (from my family as well as partners, but I'm mainly talking about childhood abuse here). It's a red flag because most men already don't have emotional intelligence. A man who is a victim of abuse doesn't have the tools to recover, he doesn't have the willingness to seek therapy, or learn how to build an appropriate support system. Even if he WANTS to improve and is willing to do the intense work that requires, he's going to struggle more b…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/01/21 09:36 PM
1

I started doing this too. In conversations with people I was often so eager to connect or bond or be supportive, I'd gloss over tons of red flags. After hours or days had passed, I'd go over what was said and write them out. This helped me slowly change the rapport with many people, and almost all of these relationships no longer exist. And doing this repeatedly over time has made me able to finally do it in the moment. I'm proud at how many red flags I spot immediately and how quickly I can wri…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 07:15 AM
10

This is what "confused" me for so long. My ex was not smart, his life was a dumpster fire and he was barely functional some days. Yet his ability to manipulate everyone around him, including successful people, appeared to be effortless second nature. A former Pickme friend would not stop defending the violent druggie who cheated and tore her self esteem apart because "he's not a bad man, he's just struggling and not getting help. He's not smart enough to be this hurtful on purpose". Refusing hel…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 06:56 AM
7

The cat trap also applies to me 😭 I don't even want to explain it, just insane, they're all insane. The men, not the cats.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 06:43 AM
3

This is amazing, love that this is from SNL!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 06:42 AM
9

Right? It breaks my heart to see other women making more permanent decisions before they've leveled up 😪
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 06:20 AM
48

Excellent post. If he's crying during what started as a conversation about how he hurt you, but has since devolved into a fierce and emotionally charged denial of that hurt, it's not real crying. Ever. No exceptions. Also, this might sound paranoid at first, but check for actual tears. There have been multiple men who "cried" and when I went to give them comfort I felt no tears on their face. My ex would fake nightmares when I was sleeping on the couch out of anger or fear (I know) to get me to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/01/21 07:09 PM
4

This has been my favorite ring that I've seen so far, love those colors! 😍
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/01/21 06:27 PM
49

Between the pandemic, cutting out alcohol leaving an abusive man, and FDS - most people are not in my life anymore. I was terrified of being alone, and that fear along with a lot of trauma, filled my life with people who enabled my own bad behavior and couldn't control theirs. The people who are not here anymore needed to go. It's not that I have to be alone forever, it's that I was not capable of interacting with people appropriately until I reached a certain point in addressing my trauma. Only…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/01/21 06:12 PM
17

When she was starting to become famous she called herself a "Lolita from the hood", that was all I really needed to know. The song that made her famous (I think) is called Video Games, which is appropriate. A lot of her songs glorify bad boys and doomed romance. Here are some lyrics: Open up a beer And you say, "Get over here And play a video game" It's you, it's you, it's all for you Everything I do I heard that you like the bad girls Honey, is that true? Only worth living if somebody is loving…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/01/21 05:17 PM
8

This is an excellent breakdown! Block and delete OP, you're dodging a bullet!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/01/21 04:32 PM
108

This right here. A friend on Tinder was there just for hookups, but the guy wanted more. Turns out he was an abusive violent drug addict who refused therapy. Then he cheated on her anyway 🙄 Quality men aren't on sites like Tinder, quality men aren't swiping on pussy like it's a takeout menu - it's not appealing to them. Stop looking for gold in the trash, ya know?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/01/21 03:46 PM
2

I'm sorry you went through that :( I went through a similar rape, the courts called it "coercive". So often when we think of rape it's overtly violent, or we're drugged. Now I take a hard line - rape is sex you don't want to have FULL STOP. It doesn't matter how gentle or manipulative they are in disregarding your no.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/01/21 05:47 AM
85

This was literally the comment I came here to write! 😂😍 I don't "support" sex work for the same reasons I don't support government subsidized slave labor (jobs that don't pay enough to live off of). It's precisely because I care about the workers. I don't want to make working for slave wages more "socially acceptable". I don't want these people to have to "reclaim the narrative" of working for slave wages. I don't want to reframe being eager to work for slave wages as empowering because people w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/21 06:38 PM
2

I didn't notice she put her name, yeah, that's not ideal. I'll flag it for the mods to see! Maybe it can be reposted as a summary without the screenshot so it can still be discussed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/21 05:53 PM
2

So the screenshot here is of a post the wife deleted to protect herself? I really hope she's ok :(
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/21 05:04 PM
25

Thank you. "Doesn't take no for an answer" is rape. It doesn't matter if you say yes eventually, if the ability to say no is removed consent literally no longer exists. Disrupting someone's sleep to effect their work and school is also an abusive tactic. It would be abusive if he was doing it on purpose for any reason, but that he's doing it with his dick is especially disgusting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/21 04:49 PM
5

That sounds lovely, I can definitely see your minimalist style working well in a space like that :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 11:17 PM
48

I have no tolerance for coddling a parents trauma, especially when it's still effecting their children. You're not even the only one who has stopped bringing their partners around, she's alienating her family. I would absolutely not introduce her, she needs to try to address her inappropriate behavior, everyone does, even moms (especially parents, imo). Flirting with your boyfriends (let's call this what it is, after all), and invalidating your opinions and worth in front of them to gain their f…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 11:15 PM
21

This was my reaction as well, hit me very hard, very well put.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 11:02 PM
9

Nice work Queen! :) I can't get enough natural light, that room must be so cheerful and energizing! Are your walls white and do you think you'll leave them that way, or will you paint?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 11:01 PM
33

This is genius.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 10:59 PM
14

Agreed!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 10:57 PM
58

Agreeing with other commenters here. I prefer to learn about toxic male behavior from memes and posts by women and for women. Reposting misogynists hate, especially when it's from another sub, just exposes me to more violent imagery and language. Not why I come here! I love the lessons I'm learning but some of this shit is gratuitous and triggering, especially when it gets to be every few threads. I left my abusive partner and avoid these people precisely so I don't expose myself to that vitriol…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 10:39 PM
20

"For no reason" Provides reason. Seriously 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 07:23 PM
13

Bingo. My family emphasized my sexuality from a young age, street harassment started as soon as I hit puberty, I had no healthy relationships to model after, and all around me the messages I received were clear - my power came from sex. My VALUE came from sex, meanwhile at home no one was doing anything to steer me in any other direction. I devoured adult literature, media, and porn, and became sexually active very young because I felt it gave me both agency and the attention and validation I di…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 07:20 PM
22

This is spot on. CPTSD is what you get from long term trauma experienced during your formative years and it effects you physically and cognitively. While sex work isn't "easy", it's accessible for women who don't have the resources to finish a degree, learn complex skills, or even care for themselves on a day to day basis. The damage IS fixable, but you need support and for so many women it just doesn't exist 😪 I have been in this position. I have friends who have been in this position. It frust…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 06:05 PM
90

Codependent love is self-love warped and misdirected. We will love and respect - we won't treat, handle, accommodate, make excuses for, prop up, coddle, beg for, negotiate, raise, fix, mend or heal. That's the shit that traumatized us.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 05:29 PM
7

OMG yes, I also usually have hopes of what my friends will order so I can try it 😂 On a trip with my friend she once said, "I'm just going to let you order for both of us because everything you've picked has been really great so far". Made my damn day. CHAINS are for ghosts to rattle, not dinners 🙄 And complaining about the price is a huge red flag. I've yet to meet a man who complains about food cost and doesn't have a freezer full of tendies and moldy cheese in the fridge. This is literally yo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 05:16 PM
70

"I'm trying to understand him" WHY? Your husband just told you he wants to cheat on you for 6 years with multiple strangers across multiple countries - what is there to understand? Women are so conditioned to appear unemotional that she has to say this for fear of appearing unreasonable. She's treating this like a small disagreement because she can't accept her husband doesn't care about her. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks if she can just figure out what the "real" issue is they can fix t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 09:40 AM
488

In 6 years he doesn't know her well enough to pick out her damn ring in the correct size. He had MOMMY do it instead. Mommy doesn't value her either, so she got thrifty with it. He knew that was cheap, so he purposefully lied by putting it in a pricier brands box. Immediately threatens to leave her when she discusses her feelings about being lied to and disrespected. 🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 09:20 AM
13

I think this is literally the hardest advice I've gotten here 😅 I think it's valuable from this perspective too - I WANT a man whose just as fun and creative as me, so I want to see what he suggests. I know I'm great, let's see how great he is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 09:12 AM
102

I'm early thirties and have been child/marriage free since I was 12 😂 No mind change yet and people still love to say dumbass shit about how it will happen. There are a lot of reasons why men and woman try to push the baby/wedlock narrative. They like fairy tales, they can't fathom a woman who wants a different life, they changed their minds so assume everyone will, they project jealousy and insecurity onto your/their decisions. I have found most of the reasons usually boil down to small mindedn…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 08:27 AM
14

Any suggestions for a woman who likes to pick the restaurant and activity? 🙋‍♀️ In my social circles I'm the one who always knows about new openings, underground events, and I'm passionate about food. There's not a weekend that went by (pre-COVID) that I didn't have a dozen plans to choose from every week. I got feedback from men that they loved my ideas but it was rare for a woman to plan the dates, for some it was the first time it ever happened. It never occurred to me that I was "doing" anyt…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 07:01 AM
3

Ooooh damn, I love this 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/20 06:26 AM
3

I'm really curious to know what your friend thought was so AMAZING about him 🙄🤔
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/20 06:24 AM
2

Think of it as an investment in yourself, because that's what it really is :) I also saw you mention you were having trouble finding someone responsible to sublet to - but with a lease transfer you don't need to be so discerning. The right person for your roommate is out there, highlight her and the situation as an asset - "Outgoing, creative, and friendly roommate who will make up for you withering social life! Apartment located in vibrant and trendy neighborhood with lively dating scene and lo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/20 04:53 PM
6

Preach! 🙌 Women definitely need to be speaking up more, not less.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/20 12:09 AM
27

Why are you over thinking this? He told you to get him the wine so do it :) Or if the flight is the issue, get something else he likes as long as it's in your budget. He has the money to spend so he is, you don't so you're not. There is no shame you need to feel, you don't "owe" him for having more money than you. You don't need to "prove" your grateful by overspending. Be grateful for his gifts and get him something he'll like within your budget - done!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 08:17 PM
5

New Yorker here, all I can say is don't bother with New Orleans. I love that town but all the men are polyamorous, crusty, out of shape alcoholics.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 08:10 PM
8

Yep. I refuse to use the term because it's just used to describe women who speak up about something they don't like.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 08:06 PM
68

"Did you dirty" Personally, I can't find a logical reason to smile, hug, or make small talk with anyone male or female, who the above statement applies to. Check the tag "nice for what", being nice is a trap women are forced into and it encourages us to modify or deny our needs and emotions. It also encourages those who harm us to keep seeking us out, because we're nice about it. We are alive, we should express our hurt and anger. What is the purpose of engaging someone who hurt me? I can't see …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 07:49 PM
325

Seriously this is NOT about porn, this is straight hatred, my jaw dropped. This is something a troll you've never met leaves in your inbox, not someone you've built a life with. Stay strong OP, keep working to sever your life from his and do not engage, let the lawyers talk.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 07:32 PM
3

I know :( I was hoping to see a narrative where she stopped chasing him and his abuse, and because he wanted to make his relationship with his daughter work he addressed his own demons and got sober. I felt like the foundations were being laid for possibilities like that. I'm ok with the depiction of Pickmes as long as it's not a one dimensional character created just to prop up male leads, and I think Ruth transforming from this familiar place of self-doubt is totally likely and would have been…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 08:35 AM
30

Using the results of oppression to justify said oppression is a tale as old as time 🤦‍♀️ It's evil to make a case against someone else's worth based on the malicious control you yourself exert. The glass ceiling and age are literally only problems because men make them problems, he's basically complaining that men decrease women's value simply by defining it as low, which is true. Instead of dismantling those systems, he's acknowledging they exist and is fighting to keep them in place. The gap i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 08:19 AM
53

Bingo. I'm happy she knows this is what she should be doing, but she shouldn't advertise it. It's a fucking blueprint for what to lie to her about 😔
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 07:38 AM
1

Yep went through!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 07:01 AM
105

I thought I was such tough shit, so clever, so quick, when I would venomously tear down my abusive ex with words and logic. When I'd put him in his place, stand up for myself. Nope! He was just basking in how worked up I would get over him. And it taught him my triggers, so he could cause explosive fights at damaging times. Taught him how to lie better to others, taught him to fake progress. And then he called me crazy anyway, and the neighbors probably agreed, I damn well was by the end. No one…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 05:53 AM
1

Hey there, I tried to send you a DM but the app won't let me. I wasn't sure if it was a setting on your end, if it is I wanted to ask if it was ok to DM you?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 05:36 AM
4

I would also suggest posting this to your city's subreddit, they'll know tenant laws, rights, and loopholes that could be useful. And consider going directly to the landlord and explaining that as an essential worker your roommate is putting your health at risk both by keeping you awake at night and bringing a large number of strangers into the building. Many landlords have been amazingly empathetic and they may let you out of the lease. Regardless of how this ends, if you need to and you're abl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 05:11 AM
7

I love how you ended things, fucking fierce! Happy birthday :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 04:14 AM
5

Happy birthday Queen!! 🥳
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 04:14 AM
6

-GLOW. GLOW GLOW OMG GLOW. Unfortunately it was cancelled this year due to high cost of production during COVID, I literally cried. Female written and directed, it had everything: over a dozen interesting and hilarious well rounded and complex women not focusing on men and directly confronting sexism. The three seasons are worth watching, it held me together through some difficult times when my own support system wasn't growing with me the way I needed it to. -The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Definite…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/20 04:11 AM
23

Exactly! Understanding what I want in a partner doesn't require a shortcut, it's going to become clear quickly if your capable of putting minimal effort into a conversation. But if all you want is sex then a conversation is a waste of time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 03:48 PM
106

Don't tell them, because they will just pretend to be your type for the honeymoon phase. It's a lazy question. Ask me about my interests, opinions, hobbies, goals, and memories (HVM will be curious about these things). But they ask what type of man you like because it's a short cut to behaving in the way you want him to, even if he's not your type, so you'll sleep with him. Easier than a real conversation, it tells him exactly what he needs to do in bullet points. I say I don't have a type. If t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 03:29 PM
1

There must be a way to do it...someone tech savvier than us knows I'm sure lol! But this is awesome, you got the message here and that's all that counts :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 11:13 PM
2

I wish they had said something like, "The highs and lows of untreated mental illness".
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 11:10 PM
7

I posted here last week about an NPD ex who rang my bell 11 years after I left him and didn't share my new address. Dude LOVED therapy, openly admitted to his diagnosis too. And yet here he was, being invasive and self centered and SCARY after over a decade of treatment. My other ex, my second with NPD, also agreed to go to therapy. He was a fan of inspirational planners and self-help books. He raped me and put me in the hospital after years of treatment. If narcissists can change, which the dat…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 11:05 PM
3

This is from Women's Health Magazine? 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 10:55 PM
5

I agree with some of the other commenters here - 3 months with children involved is really fast for decorating a tree in his house. With his own children HE should be more cautious about letting a stranger get so close so fast. It makes me wonder if he's looking for someone to take on the wife/mother role to ease the burden of fatherhood ASAP. My first non-abusive partner did the dishes after every meal I cooked, without being asked. He'd even do dishes for meals he didn't eat. I was blown away …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 10:47 PM
17

You explained "ultimatum" BEAUTIFULLY. My narc ex would say this every time I would say I was leaving when he hit/cheated/lied to me. I watched my therapist painfully try to explain the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum, and that not telling the truth about his affairs in order to keep me from breaking up with him was not OK 😳
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 10:27 PM
5

The way this sub talks about never being financially dependent on a man is similar to how I see a man having access to my data - if something doesn't work out the potential cons greatly outweigh the pros. Divorce happens, even with HVM - vetting is an ongoing process. Think of all the LVM you trusted before this, all the times you were BLINDSIDED by their betrayal. I can do the best I can to choose a good man, but if I make a mistake I don't also want all my information compromised. Not worth it…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 10:15 PM
14

This amazing, love worthy IG's to follow, thanks for sharing! The Rock is a fucking treasure.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 10:03 PM
14

Yes this was it! I orgasm easily, which confused me because I thought if I came then the sex was "good". It took many years for me to notice how much more enjoyable sex was, in every aspect, when it was with a committed partner, and even longer for me to ACCEPT that. I kept trying to make casual sex work for many reasons, and that libfem/cool girl mindset was deeply entrenched in my personality.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 11:11 PM
2

Thank you! My gut was telling me to file but this was the push I needed 😍 I hope you've had a wonderful holiday.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 10:30 PM
23

I think there was a Time Magazine article that also discussed that women don't orgasm as often from casual sex shocked Pikachu face I enjoyed this post!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 10:25 PM
29

I don't even comment on relationship posts elsewhere because I feel like I'm speaking a different language. I know my words will only be a small droplet in the deluge it's going to take to erode this way of thinking (cuz I've been there). I don't have it in me anymore, it's too demoralizing and draining. It's the same thing IRL too, I'm done listening to the details of unhappy couples, DONE.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 09:51 PM
1

Thanks, and I'm sorry you had to go through this too ♥️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 09:37 PM
2

Thanks! Added this to my Goodreads :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 09:28 PM
2

Just wanted to let you know I filed a domestic incident report, although the police predictably did not make that easy 🙄 Thanks for your support!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 09:25 PM
2

Sorry for the confusion, they did end up filing a domestic incident report, but it took me crying to get it done 🙄 The cops said and did a number of inappropriate things all purposefully designed to discourage me. They literally followed a script I've heard filling this type of report against another abuser in the past (I succeeded then too, with the same difficulty). The male "justice system" is just more victimization.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 09:23 PM
10

Oh lord thank you for this 🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 06:33 PM
19

KKK has entered the chat 😅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/11/20 06:30 PM
3

I went to the precinct and filed a report last night, updated my post, thanks for the encouragement :) I've filed a domestic incident report before and frankly just didn't want a fight with the cops who didn't want to do it...but I'm glad it's done.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/20 06:43 PM
7

Fuuuuck 🤯
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 09:18 PM
8

Thanks for suggesting delete me! Do you think this warrants a visit to the precinct? I'm in a dense city with a lot going on, I expect to get told there's nothing they can do since he didn't harm me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 09:17 PM
5

Thanks!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 09:12 PM
5

I can see why that process would put people off, I'll look into the services y'all are suggesting that do it for you! Thanks :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 09:12 PM
12

WOW. That's such a terrifying level of apathy for another person...I am so sorry, how disgusting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 09:08 PM
41

Girl, you hit the nail so hard!! He didn't even recognize me, so he had the audacity to stand there demanding information from a stranger while they repeatedly asked for his name! And he was hiding his identity on purpose, we did not end on good terms, he fucking knew I wouldn't want to see him. Even if this had been another partner who didn't abuse me, and we somehow lost contact, if my address was the only piece of information he could find on me, a reasonable man would send me a letter genuin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 08:03 PM
12

I'm on mobile and am too busy prepping for tomorrow to futz with it lol 🤣 I'll get to it...maybe!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:56 PM
35

I envy your distance and am happy it's there! I have a restraining order against another ex who also showed up at my door similarly when I cut contact years ago. He put me in the hospital. They just keep trying in case you have a moment of weakness and let them back in, then it's right back to abuse. I remind myself every day that they're not actually people, they're just pain walking around in a human suit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:54 PM
26

It's definitely gonna peak on NYE - brace yourselves! 😅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:48 PM
55

YES. In my Pickme days I prided myself on not caring if a man groomed himself, wore deodorant, dressed nice - I was (and am) a bit of a boho rocker, which I and others mistook for "not being superficial". It's not superficial to take pride in your appearance and take care of your body 🙄 Thanks to FDS my first thought was, "You came to my door disheveled and in rags - you truly are a narc to think I'd find this sad display appealing" 💅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:46 PM
22

I'm glad your information is private! I'm being more cautious for sure ♥️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:37 PM
12

Agreed. I'm staying extra sharp right now just in case!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:35 PM
23

Thank you 🤣 In addition to his behavior, his style is regrettably also the same!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:32 PM
22

It's driving me mad that I misspelled "unkempt" though lol.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:30 PM
112

I agree. I remember growing up people had to PAY to not have their landlines and addresses listed in the yellow pages. That was still shitty but at least you could stay private. We're all taught not to give out personal information to strange men because they may hurt us - to what end if that info is made public anyway? 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:29 PM
10

This is really well put, I agree :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:08 PM
11

Jesus, this was difficult to read. It's appalling how detached from abuse and toxicity these men are, how they can discuss hurting an entire group of people to strategically benefit themselves, and make themselves out to be the good guys for doing it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:01 PM
12

Exactly 😅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 06:27 PM
9

I don't think that's it - the sub promotes acting in our own self interests. Going to a private place and sharing our bodies with a subset of men who we're acknowledging are more likely to be abusive, sexist alcoholics is only a "trick" in the sense that you're tricking yourself into thinking your not putting yourself in harm's way. Hookups are fine - hookup with someone who doesn't put you in danger! Bottom line is if you're putting yourself in a potentially bad situation for dick on purpose, i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/11/20 02:37 PM
6

I kept a massive list in chronological order - didn't matter. They get off on the fighting, seeing how upset you are. The fact that I even took the time to write so much about him was flattering. NO PARAGRAPHS is one of my favorite FDS rules!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/11/20 03:27 AM
6

What's the name of the organization? I want to know but I'm not going anywhere near that link 😳😔
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/11/20 06:09 AM
2

Haha thank you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/11/20 05:56 AM
14

She meant uphill battle, surely.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 06:55 AM
2

Mine tried on Yelp 🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 06:49 AM
5

Seriously why do narcs have such poor grammar and spelling?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 06:03 AM
31

It's just more of their hatred, they know they're the rapists, they know the impact that action has, and that's exactly why they choose to use the term - for spite. "How dare you dominate and take from me when I'm supposed to do that to YOU?!". I fucking love this sub more every day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 06:00 AM
3

Sorry you met my ex 😅 Dude wrote me SIX PAGES of this crap. He's broken, incapable of love, but he tried his best, we're so much alike, he couldn't make it work no matter what he did, he felt like everything he did was wrong, he's sorry his love hurt me. But every single conversation for 3+ years was a vicious denial of those very things and a refusal to get help. Dude is copping to the bare minimum, trying to get a plea agreement no one even offered him! 🤣 Glad you've cut him loose sis!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 05:55 AM
18

Bingo. Like it's all some ~wacky mixup~ Nothing specific (sorry I cheated, sorry I lied about xyz). No plan for how he'll work on himself (I made an appointment to see a therapist, I bought a self help book). He still manages to insult her by comparing them to each other after he rambles about how crazy he is. He's still playing the victim and trying to extract pity, pathetic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 05:48 AM
2

I needed to hear this right now. Grieving is normal and it's supposed to be a bit painful, but there can be this heavy dread and panic and that is always connected to something else. ♥️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 05:40 AM
2

On my phone (Samsung) I don't have to save a contact to block them so long as one of us has called each other. I go to my recent calls, click the number, hit the 'i" for info, and there are 3 options to add, share or block.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 05:33 AM
3

🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 05:29 AM
31

Woooooow, have never heard the term divorce rape before. FUCK THAT.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 05:27 AM
41

I wish you all the best love! At least you won't be spending another holiday season with someone you don't even want to be with. Make yo self a freedom tree! 🎄💅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 05:23 AM
167

Wow 🙄 He never really wanted her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 05:21 AM
6

pickmes clouding my judgement. I regret taking advice from Pickme friends I trusted. Their perspectives are skewed, their emotional intelligence compromised. And if they're with a LVM you're either playing therapist or being devalued for not supporting them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 04:55 AM
7

Drop it sis! I used to say my Pickme friend was worth her weight in gold and I was her ride or die. I don't use that phrase anymore because it's disrespectful to myself - no one is worth my life. Especially not someone whose risking my life for DICK, of all the stupid things 🤦 I was committed to "saving" her but just like a man, you can't save others. And it's an awful pain to watch a loved ones light dim that way. But this has been a lifelong pattern for her, how many more years will I tear mys…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 04:46 AM
3

I see it everywhere now 😔 I don't know that I can point to a single HV hetero relationship between people I'm closely connected to. My "best friend" has been in 3 back to back abusive relationships going back to adolescence. It wasn't unusual for us to spend up to EIGHT HOURS of a single weekend day analyzing the behavior of her LVM. She'd stop eating, refuse therapy, disappear into a deep depression - then finally thank me for my love and help in ending it only to start the cycle over 🤯 She has…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 04:29 AM
6

NOLA is my one true love ⚜️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 03:57 AM
2

Thank you so much for your supportive response, and I'm sorry he did that to you. I also felt like it was my fault for going back to him over and over, that I allowed him to put my health at risk.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 08:07 PM
1

Sorry for the delay in responding, the weeks sorrounding the election have been crazy, but so happy! I hope you've gotten to experience some joy too! Thanks for your offer of support :) I'm glad my response was helpful. I think I was trying to show the red flags that stood out to me, and how those red flags help me determine what course of action to take.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 06:55 PM
11

Thank you for sharing these resources, I'm definitely going to be donating, talking to my friends about it, and seeing if their are protests in my area. We're with you sister! ✊
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/20 11:14 AM
2

I nuked my email and changed my number - huge undertaking but completely worth it. I also used the opportunity to make an account with a password manager so my accounts are more secure and I don't have to remember passwords anymore! I set aside many hours to change everything over (updates with doctors, insurance companies, apps, friends, banks, the IRS, etc). It's soooo freeing to start fresh like that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/20 10:50 AM
2

Thanks love, you can do this!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/20 10:34 AM
5

It's definitely empowering, I'm not mystified by people suddenly hurting me, I can see who is bad news fast!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/20 10:31 AM
18

No need to apologise, this was very insightful! How can we help if we're not in Poland?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/11/20 10:25 AM
7

I think the next time she invites you over, one statement of "I won't be coming to your home because your verbally abusive husband disrespects me", would force her to make changes or let you know this friendship isn't sustainable. State your boundaries and enforce them, but having gone through this I'm done making pleas or demands. Show up right or leave my table, either way I'm eating without you. I'm sorry this is happening, I'm going through something similar 😔♥️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/20 11:12 PM
13

I'm so sorry 😔 My ex who cheated and raped me gave me HPV. They found abnormal cells in my cervix and I'm going for surgery to have them removed soon. It's not worth it sis. You are deserving of so much more, no dick is worth your life and that's what cheating risks. Men and Pickme's don't like to acknowledge this! It's not just poor communication or being selfish, it's malicious to sleep with your fluid bonded partner after being unfaithful. Someone who actually loves you would be sickened by t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/20 10:45 PM
5

Good on you, you're making great choices right now! 🙌
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/20 10:36 PM
14

This is fucking amazing 😂😂😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/20 08:19 PM
5

This was so thorough and eloquent, amazing post! When you mention scarcity being a motivating factor in being a pickme - dear God how I feel that. Before FDS I found myself attracted to almost no men, now it's worse 😂 But before this sub I would become overly devoted very fast to any man who I felt actual chemistry with and it made me blind, desperate, and self-destructive. I also have a high libido and very much desire and value romance, so it felt terribly painful to end something for anything…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/20 08:16 PM
77

This so much! FDS has completely changed how I approach platonic and professional relationships, even casual interactions. I find when I use the philosophies here IRL I get hurt less, regret less, and feel more capable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/11/20 07:52 PM
3

Ooooh I see. Thanks for the explanation!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 04:32 AM
14

Thanks to FDS I've put WDHDT on my Goodreads list! I love seeing quotes from him pop up here. The hair splitting was infuriating, and society definitely encourages it. I'm much better now, but still waiting for the courts to reopen so I can attempt to get my restraining order against him finalized (I left him 2 years ago). In my statement they can't call my rape "rape" because despite saying no multiple times, I eventually said yes and escaped into my mind. My therapist agreed 🙄 I have stories f…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 03:05 AM
3

So he's a gamer, fucking you for money, who throws toiletries at your house? 😂🤡😂 Damn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 02:49 AM
15

I didn't even understand what this was supposed to mean 🤷🤦
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 02:45 AM
2

Jesus, thank you for adding this context 😟
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 02:41 AM
7

The picture box got me the most! 💔🥰
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 02:35 AM
25

♥️ It takes so much courage to own that and continue working on it. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but as someone who is also battling her own demons, it's positive to see this type of comment 🙌
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 02:30 AM
3

It's rare, but it is possible! I call my best friend of 20 years my brother, he's my POA and actively helped me get out of abusive relationships. Without him I would not be alive today, I have no doubts about that. I went to his wedding a few years ago 😍
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 02:23 AM
46

The best is when you find yourself making "plans of action" for how they can fix their shitty behavior after one of these fake ass apologies. 🤡🤡🤡 A man whose truly sorry won't need you to remind him to book a therapy appointment, or pick out a self help book, or come up with solutions on how you treat YOU better. HVM just take responsibility naturally.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 02:13 AM
30

One of my ex's choked me during an argument. When I referred to his actions as "hitting" me, he said, "Oh now you're saying I BEAT you!? I never do that! And I moved you to the couch so I could choke you better so you wouldn't get hurt, but you don't remember that do you??" The ability to reframe wrong actions as somehow inherently altruistic (or at minimum not crossing the line into some type of "formal abuse") is something a lot of men seem to do with disturbing ease. By the end of the relatio…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 02:04 AM
43

One of my "best" friends just made this argument to me with a straight face. She's been raped twice. By men, obviously. She considers herself a fierce feminist. Our entire relationship is on the line rn, for other reasons, and just thinking about her words makes me nauseous. Obviously that's not the point, that men get raped too. It's a culture of oppression inherent to human history girl, don't play coy here, not with me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 01:45 AM
18

I don't think men don't understand, they know exactly what they do. But even if a man isn't a rapist or murderer, a woman who holds men accountable for ANY of their male specific shitty behavior is a threat to them. "uR sO sExIsT" is either pretending men aren't a threat to us or is communicating that they don't care men are a threat to us. It's especially baffling and hurtful when other women make this garbage argument 😣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 01:29 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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