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msromperstomper Archive

View 3 posts and 466 comments by msromperstomper on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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228

Just sitting in my kitchen with a cup of coffee staring into space. Really. I left a long term relationship and moved into my own place last year. It is so tranquil. I never realized that with my ex I spent almost every single minute when he was around feeling on edge. It's actually taken some time to get used to this new peaceful feeling.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/22 01:17 AM
374

I know the married, 40 year old version of this guy. Always hitting on coworkers, always talking about partying after the semester was over - he's a professor, not a student - always suggesting that his wife was "boring" - turns out she has an auto-immune disease and was taking care of their child under 5. And this ass and his partying just gave both of them Covid.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/22 12:56 AM
38

Are you me? This is exactly what I'm going through. I work in a male-dominated space and my colleagues label my work as "cute" or "fun" when I have a doctorate and intellectually can and do run circles around them. I bust my ass for my department and in return, my colleagues either try to take credit for my work or send me flirty, inappropriate emails about it. I really find it depressing that this is the state of affairs in 2022. Edited to add: the upside is that now I only collaborate with wom…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/22 11:51 AM
196

I love this for you. I've had a similar FDS journey where once I would have thought this laziness was some kind of measure of my worth, while now when I see something this lazy I just laugh and laugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 02:05 AM
23

I don't believe that men can be feminists. That is not a thing. They can be allies - maybe - but that is super rare. I work in academia and am surrounded by these so-called feminist men, but when I ask them how much time they devote to women in their courses? Crickets...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/03/22 05:07 PM
13

I needed this today. I work with my ex, which is a special kind of hell. He pulled a number of thoughtless stunts which led to the demise of our relationship, but today was the first time he extended that thoughtlessness to my work. He screwed up something important to me. Thank you for reminding me that the best revenge is icy silence and to be gone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 02:48 AM
5

Exactly! I've experienced men literally running away like this as well, and I've been like "what is going on?!?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/22 04:03 PM
8

Absolutely. I actually work on the experience of wars from women's perspectives, so yeah. We could write a whole other post on this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/22 03:54 PM
6

Beautifully said.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/22 03:51 PM
12

This is the best story.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/22 03:23 PM
34

This. I work in a knowledge industry and no doubt my colleagues are busily preparing an all-male panel discussion to gift us all with their 'hot takes". I was partially thinking of them when writing this post - the thought of them physically doing anything is laughable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/22 03:07 PM
53

Perfect response. Getting lots of trolls in my inbox. Clearly triggered.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/22 02:40 PM
106

Also don't forget "babes with guns", you know Ukrainian women fighting for their lives.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 10:45 PM
2

We have a secretary at work - mid 30s - that makes TikToks at her desk during the workday and all the men think she's cute and charming and I'm a bitch because I'm like "um, Samantha, did you make those copies I asked for?" Being a professional woman is already a minefield - you're not their to entertain anyone, you're paid to work. Your fabulous life outside of work is none of their business. Just keep being your professional self.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/22 02:57 AM
4

Yes, there is no bigger group of babies on the planet.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/22 11:23 PM
10

also an academic, also had this issue. thought i needed to be with another male academic, but at least in my experience, they're the worst of all!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/22 02:25 AM
10

I'm taking a break from dating this year and honestly I am SO enjoying my me time and building relationships with smart, accomplished women who are making a real difference in the world. To be honest I think it has really spoiled me as it has set the bar SO high.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/22 02:20 AM
12

I'm not sure about dating, but this is a great strategy for exes you have to work with. Him, email: "Wow, that presentation was amazing. What a great contribution." Me: Crickets.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/02/22 11:24 PM
14

I can totally see that. I have a very close friend who died in March 2020 of Covid and he was a HVM all the way around - amazing husband, father, friend. When he died the tributes just poured in. That's when I literally had a wake up call that life was short and that I'd rather be alone than have LVM wasting my time, and shortly after I found FDS. I bet you see a lot of regret.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/02/22 11:28 PM
35

Wow. I am in awe of what you do. That is incredibly courageous work. What a difference you are making - look in the mirror - your inspiration should be you! Edited to add: I just got back from my doctor - a woman of course - and we always have great conversations about feminism. She said "marriage is like a gate - people on the inside want to get in, and most women on the inside want to get out." lol.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/02/22 07:28 PM
11

Tell her you love her but this is a trauma response and requires the skills of a professional therapist. If you must keep her in your life - and I can understand if there's long history there - then I would just keep repeating this first sentence like a broken record. Don't engage, ignore, change the subject. I have a close friend like this and I realized that entertaining her was a drag on my own leveling up journey. Keep your own boundaries strong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 02:26 PM
4

Amazing! It's just onward and upward when you dump these people from your life. Need this energy today.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 02:06 AM
38

Right. You have to look at the situation with cold hard logic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 10:55 PM
64

Congratulations! I love this. I too decided that I was going to channel my energy differently in 2022 and with all my free time I've read six novels by women authors since January. But you've inspired me to go further and just not engage in the topic of dating at all in any way shape or form. Make sure you update us on your progress next month!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 10:45 PM
36

Yes! Second locations are always destinations to regret.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/01/22 03:12 AM
4

oh..got it. yikes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/01/22 09:52 PM
5

Oh, I'm so sorry. How horrible. Yes, then definitely I would switch to someone who specifically works with victims of intimate partner violence. If you are in the US you could contact your local agency that deals with these issues, and they could put you in touch with the right therapist. You need your experience to be validated by someone who knows just how dangerous a narcissist can be.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/01/22 07:28 PM
10

I'm seconding that this seems weird. I am in therapy because I left a long-term relationship with narcissist. I was lucky in that the first therapist I went to specialized in treating victims of intimate partner violence - which, if you've suffered at the hands of a narcissist, you've probably experienced too. What we did immediately was to work on shoring up my boundaries, kind of the opposite of what your therapist is prescribing. I would look for another therapist who has this kind of backgro…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/01/22 06:00 PM
26

Agreed. And it's amazing to me how often the "other woman" disparages the wife to make herself feel superior. For example, one woman I knew entangled in such as situation insisted that the married man's wife was "so mean" but never considered the fact that maybe the wife was so mean because her 42 year old husband was hitting the bars three times a week while she was at home watching three kids between the ages of 3 and 7. It's incredible how these losers can make women feel sorry for them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 04:26 PM
74

I mentor young women , and it's a struggle to get them to understand that by posting endless half-naked pictures of themselves on Instagram, they're just serving themselves up on a platter. The great supermodel of the 90s Linda Evangelista once said something like "I don't get out of bed for less than 10,000 dollars a day" but in 2022 women are just giving it away for free. What has been sold as empowerment is nothing more than contributing to millions of creepy weirdos spank banks.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/01/22 01:07 PM
3

I would lean hard into the sexual trafficking aspect, but in terms of a broader theoretical view, there is a good summary and references in this article: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4730391/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 08:57 PM
71

Right. And that is because to be partnered is still sold to women as the ultimate achievement.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 09:49 PM
259

I'm also tired off this, and I'm way older than you. We've got to normalize dumping people at the first sign of disrespect. Actions have got to have consequences.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 08:30 PM
37

Yes. There are so many men out there with this reckless mentality, which they mask under this front of being so "fun" and "spontaneous." There's nothing fun about your period being two weeks late and having to research abortion clinics in your area while this guy acts like he doesn't have a care in the world (ask me how I know).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/01/22 02:48 PM
42

Yes thank you. With very rare exceptions, when these men say "I've fallen in love with someone else" it actually means "I've fallen in lust with someone else and I want to stick my pee pee in her." I have a male friend whom I've know for years, totally HV as a husband and father, dealing with a very troubled spouse (severe mental illness, possible endangerment to children) who could easily pull this card but instead, has gone above and beyond trying to get his wife help and be the calm steady pr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/12/21 02:23 PM
8

Great. Someone finally said. I find this appalling. And frankly most of the men who I've known to be HV were raised in single parent households by their mothers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 03:28 PM
137

Totally this. It's always good to remember with these kind of guys that charm is a verb. They turn it on to get what they want. I'm sure he's doing this with most of the office - men, women, inanimate objects, etc.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/12/21 08:14 PM
134

Right. it's incredible that all this work registers in their brains as "optional" because they always have a back-up, but women don't have that luxury. Where's our back-up?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/12/21 01:41 AM
19

Yes, an exit affair. So different than doing it "for fun, for pleasure." That totally brings up another point, that society pressures women to stay in marriages no matter what. There's such a stigma that literally the worst needs to happen to you, and even then you're still expected to give it one more go. While FDS principles will hopefully help women not to get into these marriages to begin with, we have to start calling out this behavior of married men who reap the benefits of marriage but do…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/21 07:38 PM
41

Lots of "married women cheat and should be publicly shamed too." I mean sure, but I think it's less common. Anecdotal of course, but I've only known two married women who cheated but this was after years of traumatic abusive behavior behind closed doors by powerful men. They weren't doing it just for "funsies" but as a way to not feel totally annihilated. Maybe not the best coping strategy, but big difference.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/21 04:12 PM
7

Progress not perfection. Be proud that you recognized all this and are cutting him off. Boundaries get stronger as you practice over time. Think of it like building a muscle.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/21 02:58 PM
59

clearly touched a nerve because men are coming for me in the DMs and downvoting...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/21 01:30 PM
178

Totally on board with this. We also need to start publicly shaming men who cheat on their wives, or attempt to cheat on their wives, instead of just being like "it's a family matter" or "it's between him and his wife." The entitlement of these men to think that they should have access to not just one woman, but all the women! It's astounding to me how many married men will flirt openly with you or even ask for your number with a ring on their finger. I can't even count the number of times I've s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/21 03:32 AM
41

This is such an important point. I had a similar trajectory when I left an abusive ex, and fell into some not so great relationships after. But I ditched those, dug in, and did the work, every. single. day. Sometimes it felt futile or like crawling through broken glass, but I did it. And I absolutely agree with you, most people don't have it in them. Every time I feel tempted or nostalgic about one of these exes, healthy adult me knows that absolutely nothing with these exes has changed because …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 03:22 PM
42

Young, unmarried women made up the first workforce of the industrial revolution at the textile mills of Lowell, Massachusetts in 1823: https://www.nps.gov/lowe/learn/historyculture/the-mill-girls-of-lowell.htm Clara Lemich organized one of the biggest labor strikes in US history with the uprising of the 20000 in 1909. Most of this history never makes to the mainstream history courses and is relegated to Women's History, even though the country wouldn't exist without it (and of course this doesn'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/21 05:43 PM
29

I just wanted to say that I'm much older than you and I so admire your choices! To me it sounds like you really know yourself and have it together. I went through a similar leveling up process and just had to admit to myself that I would rather have fewer friendships with deeper connections. Honestly it's your friends that sound boring! Keep doing you and you will find your tribe. Edited to add: the people that I cut out of my life we're still engaged in the behaviors you described IN THEIR 40s,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/21 01:59 PM
54

Just...wow. What did I just read? Does she not see that this guy reeks of entitlement and he's basically just communicated that since they're in a relationship she "owes" him sex?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/12/21 01:40 PM
32

So oddly enough, I knew a married guy in his 30s who "just" wanted to talk and cuddle with the harem of women friends he kept around because in his mind this wasn't cheating. I'm quite sure his wife would feel differently.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/12/21 02:55 AM
6

Right there with you. My ex is a work colleague (I know...), we broke up during the pandemic, and the only saving grace is that we're still virtual. Like you I had been excellent about my boundaries, until some work events started up again (still virtual) that I felt I had to "attend" in the spirit of collegiality. You know what? After attending each one I would go into a shame spiral until finally I had to tell myself that keeping up appearances was ruining my mental health. I think when you ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/12/21 02:32 AM
10

oh i get it, I can fall down the Friends nostalgia hole as well. but my god i forgot that seinfeld had dated that teenager. he excused it by saying that they met in Central Park when she was 17 - and still in high school - but only began dating when she turned 18. brain bleach.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/12/21 01:59 AM
31

At least with Seinfeld everyone is supposed to be awful. I mean that is the running joke. Whereas we have Ross Geller sleeping with one of his undergrad students and that's just the first thing I thought of...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 06:44 PM
55

I just want to say how much I love the energy of this: "it's nice that I already feel like I found who I am and I know what I want from life, so I don't accept anything less." I want to print this on business cards and just start handing them out when men disturb my peace.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 12:19 PM
97

It's almost disturbing that anyone would find your opinion controversial. One, there has to be pushback on this relentless societal push that you have to always be partnered. And two, you have to be in good healthy place before you are ready to partner with anyone. Taking yourself out of the dating game, or removing yourself from someone who needs to do the work, shouldn't be this radical act - it's basic self-love.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/21 11:01 PM
17

Agree it's a good book overall, but yes, this is what I'm talking about - what usually plays out in real life is that the secure person ends up doing the work for the (usually male) dismissive avoidant, whereas women with these tendencies will actually self-reflect or get into therapy. And you're right, the healthy response is to not take on this project of "fixing" but to walk away if the other person is not willing to do the work.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/21 11:51 AM
20

As the person who made the original comment, I agree. I have a number of avoidant tendencies myself, but I have fought like hell and did the work in therapy to deal with them head-on. But that's the thing I'm getting at - women tend to work on themselves, men just ignore the problem, pick up an addiction to deal with the problem, or project and make it your problem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/21 11:44 AM
149

A woman who will do the therapy that he should be doing, read "Attached" , spend countless hours on Thais Gibson videos on YouTube trying to figure out how to make it work with the Dismissive Avoidant, all while he does nothing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/21 02:24 AM
485

Star-crossed lovers. The whole "he's taken but his girlfriend just doesn't understand him. She's so mean." As you learn the hard way, there's a reason she's mean - she's sick of his shit - and he's a baby who doesn't want to grow up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 10:18 PM
154

Yes! As someone with a super controlling ex, I picked up on this right away. Why does this scrote believe that he has the right to tell a GROWN WOMAN what she is and is not allowed to pack in her suitcase?!? I am certain that his controlling ways go far beyond this one towel.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:51 AM
70

Women professors would find this absolutely laughable. I don't care how smart your student happens to be, an academic in their 40s is intellectually incompatible with a 20 year old. This is all about lust.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/21 02:42 PM
144

Ok. Have experience with this. You should not be communicating in any way, shape, or form with a professor on anything other than institutional (school) email. Professors are absolutely NOT supposed to be communicating with you via text or personal email. Absolutely save whatever he has sent you, and then official channels only. Reporting him depends on his rank and position - is he tenured? Will he be protected by the chair of his department? I would go over the chair's head and report this to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/21 01:10 AM
11

I second this, although I often have to keep myself from smirking when the women bring the smack down.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 10:44 PM
41

I absolutely LOATHE this phrase. What's great about FDS is that you can have a moment of weakness and be pining over some scrote, and then someone will post something like this and it reminds you how lame that guy was and it snaps you right out of it. It's amazing how universal this behavior is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 12:40 AM
7

Exactly, it's doesn't really matter if he really is that oblivious, is it your job to teach him how to be sensitive to the feelings of the person he is actually dating? This really should be baked in by the time you become an adult. Been there - playing teacher gets old.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 12:36 AM
33

The quality (or lack thereof) of the friend group would really bother me. I think with women, some of these behaviors can be chalked up to trauma but with men? Nah. Covering for cheaters and wanting to associate with essentially cowards doesn't bode well with how he would handle the rocky parts of a relationships. Total aside, but some guy I dated wanted me to fix his friend up with my friends, and only afterwards told me that said friend doesn't believe in feminism. What? Turns out the guy I wa…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 12:20 AM
4

this comment deserves its own post. spot on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 07:11 PM
17

I mean has there ever been ONE woman in power that has been found to have a spreadsheet of 5000 men she slept with? I can't even imagine the uproar if a woman executive was found to have "just one" sex slave.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 12:48 PM
62

This is too accurate. Plus there are a bunch of so-called relationship experts who push the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" bs because why should women be given information to make autonomous choices about their own lives?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 01:45 AM
78

I also agree that this is gold. I dated this guy. I am so impressed that you were out of there after date 3 - it took me about 10 months. The mirroring is so insidious. He would match my emojis, punctuation, and even my word count in texts. Once I figured out what was going on - and as you can see it took me awhile - it became almost like a weird sociological experiment where I would just sit back and observe him until I finally got tired of it and cut him off.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/21 11:41 PM
6

I'm not downvoting you but I think they had a terrible relationship and he derailed Ono's career as one of the most important feminist artists of her generation.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/21 11:29 PM
21

He was so controlling that he would follow Yoko Ono into the bathroom. And then he convinced her it was a great idea to have an affair with their assistant May Pang. Yoko Ono was and is a brilliant artist, but I don't think she should be anyone's relationship role model.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/21 09:17 PM
3

Yes, exactly. And thank you - she actually caught it early so while she did have surgery she does not have to do chemo.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/21 05:41 PM
13

Hey recognizing it is the first step! My best friend and I have been friends for 30 years, and both of our mothers are like this. Most recently her mother tried to one up my best friend by saying that my best friend's breast cancer was taking a toll on HER (thank god my friend is going to be fine). This is where healthy iron-clad boundaries and reality checks come into play. I hope you have a friend you can discuss this with, or if not, a therapist, as this phenomenon is all too real.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/21 02:55 PM
30

No. 🔥🔥🔥😂😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 07:31 PM
108

This comment is everything. You've perfectly articulated something has been kicking around in my head for a long time - "how disconnected to your own humanity do you have to be to be able to use and devalue people like this?" It's absolutely stomach-churning. How is this in any way ok?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/21 04:53 PM
9

I have a doctorate and work in an intellectual field. My best relationships have all been with non-academics. The strongest marriages I know are also like this: one is the man is an Episcopal priest (!) and wife is a chem professor with a PhD from an Ivy the other the man is a basketball coach and the woman is a psychologist also with a PhD from an Ivy. You have to drill down and find what is important to you in a relationship. I used to think it was being with someone with a doctorate and lots …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 01:17 PM
39

I laughed out loud reading this. So pathetic and all true.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 01:04 PM
13

This is so inspiring and I love your confident attitude. Go you! I'm about to go on the job market and I'm always incredibly intimidated by interviews, even though my actual job is like 90 percent public speaking (which I do incredible well). I love this idea of applying FDS principles to this process. It's a mindshift.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 01:00 PM
24

I think this is very common and you've articulated it beautifully.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/21 09:16 PM
165

Yes! The columnist Ask Polly once responded to a woman who was humblebragging about her irresistibility to married and taken men that boasting about your ability to sexually attract men was like boasting about your ability to breathe oxygen or grow your own hair: "You have that in common with billions of other women on the planet." I haven't thought about it the same way since.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/21 04:11 PM
11

yes, which means they will spend minimal time, effort, and money on you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/11/21 09:51 PM
33

You're totally right. And sometimes they pass it off as being non-materialistic or into the environment, but really, they're just cheap - you'll end up being invited to their house for a frozen pizza. No thanks.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/11/21 06:25 PM
11

I started a women's group on my campus and now a women's leadership program. I'll be damned if these young women make the same mistakes I did...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/10/21 11:23 PM
35

2nd-ing this. When I look back at pictures of myself from that time I was soooo tiny and had one of those lollipop heads on a thin body. I 'm now 15 pounds heavier and couldn't even imagine being that weight again without chopping off a body part.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/21 10:38 PM
3

Well after this episode "fan" might be a stretch, haha. Oh no doubt these were assaults, I'm sure this is the tip of the iceberg, and I actually think that Alex was assaulted as well - but in her mind it's probably more like "well we were drunk and I went along with it." I think these "charming predators" are really good at making you think that sex is consensual when it's really not.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/21 06:48 PM
4

I'm a fan of this show and just watched this episode. I agree they are handling this poorly. Since the writing this season is pretty bad, it's hard to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I think there is something there that could be explored about the generational shift of how we view someone like Mitch. I'm old enough to remember when women who labeled themselves feminists said that Bill Clinton having an affair with Monica Lewinksy had nothing to do with his ability to be a good president…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/21 05:13 PM
7

Literally after being exposed to that story on FDS, I can't read the word nest anymore without shuddering. The word itself has been completely ruined for me. (Another innocent thing ruined by men!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/21 04:27 PM
22

Narcissistic abusers are known cowards. They can maintain total control in their little fiefdom, but if the outside world gets a whiff of their abuse they will lie and spin like nobody's business.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/21 10:53 PM
11

Sadly they're all tenured associate professors. Gainfully employed is all they have going for them. They still drink to excess, hit on students, and one of them is pushing forty, doesn't have a license, and rides a bicycle everywhere (which wouldn't be so bad, but he uses the excuse of not being able to drive to get out of extra committee work).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 10:52 AM
58

All male colleagues at my academic institution - actual professors - fall into the category of "Dr. Hobos." They're always pestering me to set them up with my friends, to which I answer "who would want you?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/21 05:21 PM
10

oh no...that's a terrible answer. that's how every coward rationalizes cheating - that they don't want to hurt the woman by telling her. Newsflash - you already hurt her by cheating! even if he doesn't cheat do you really want to spend your life with someone so spineless? Cowards are a total no-go.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/21 03:13 AM
53

Reading this is literally making me nauseous. This poor woman,
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/21 06:36 PM
2

I worked with an ex (ugh) and filter all his email to the junk file on outlook. It's quite satisfying to associate his name with junk.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 07:24 PM
21

Calling men cowards definitely has to become more of a thing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 02:28 PM
8

FDS is about putting you at the center of your own life . Women are not being taught to play games to be hard to get - it's that you're literally hard to get a hold of because you have such a full, rich life. Sites like Jezebel profit from people sitting around and wasting time surfing the internet, while FDS literally helps women cut out the time-wasters (LVM). Honestly this article is like someone trying to convince you that the sky is orange when it's really blue. I'm having a hard time under…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 10:08 AM
62

Yes but then they turn around and use that as an excuse to cheat because their wife is acting like their mommy. You really can't win.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 10:33 PM
60

This exactly. The only way men are going to learn is if there are actual consequences to their actions. You choose wrong, you lose. Next!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 03:19 PM
24

it's totally fine, we all need reminders :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 02:34 PM
92

There are a LOT of negative posts about dating - I think the ratio is like 9 negative for one positive - and while I do understand it because most men suck, it does become draining reading these posts day in and day out. I'm personally not in the mindset to date right now and FDS has been useful in helping me form strong boundaries to keep exes out, but one day I definitely would like to date again. Maybe instead of the negativity more people could embrace Female Level Up Strategy (FLUS)? I'd lo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 01:02 PM
91

Haha yes. Someone asks this question every three months and the answers are always the same (throwing in the answer that I always post: professors).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 12:56 PM
8

She's definitely problematic. One of Cady Stanton's friends changed the words of Sojourner Truth's Speech from "I Am a Woman's Rights" to "Ain't I Woman", giving Sojourner Truth a Southern slave dialect that she never had.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/21 09:32 PM
32

Haha yes. Fruitlands. The commune made it a whole 7 months because Bronson Alcott was just kind of winging it. It's hard to read books after dark when you've sworn off the use of all animal products (no oil for your lamps).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/09/21 12:55 PM
8

Congratulations! Yes, ultimately I think you made the right decision. You can accomplish a lot but if you have to work under bad management you will forever be stymied. And competitive bosses are the worst to work for - there's nothing you can do to please them because the insecurity starts and ends with them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/21 01:34 PM
7

It's genius! It really has made a tremendous difference so thank you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/21 11:48 AM
81

It does make a huge difference. I work with my ex, and while I can physically avoid him, I am tempted to go out of my way to broadcast how well I'm doing. And I should state that I don't even want him back! But every time I'm tempted I check myself. I'm living my best life for me, not him, A glimpse or news of me would be a gift that he doesn't deserve.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 10:41 PM
310

"Chasing begins in the mind." We all know not to chase in terms of asking men out, texting first, showing more attention than you're receiving etc. but someone made this comment a few weeks back and I thought it was so powerful. Adjusted accordingly and now I have incredible peace. Edited because I wanted to add one more thing: I love the time-saving aspect of "if he wanted to, he would." I think many of us have sat around waiting for a guy to text us. Now I no longer do that and just get on wit…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 07:16 PM
44

This is probably the most important takeaway from this book. They can control themselves. They just don't want to.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 03:45 PM
42

Exactly. I was also blown away by people saying how nice the cops were. If people actually LISTENED, you would hear how cops ignored a lot of what she was saying, clearly had no idea how to read body language, and bonded with their bro Brian because we all know how women crying makes guys uncomfortable. The cherry on this shit sundae was when the cops sent HIM to the hotel for the night and left her to sleep in the dusty van. I can't...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 09:47 AM
3

This is so true.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 12:40 AM
120

I just watched this for the first time and exactly - she says, repeatedly, that Brian grabbed her face, and recreates the gesture with her hand. I cannot believe that the end result is that the cop tells her that he's not going to charge HER with domestic violence. and I've been in that place where you are so scared out of your mind that you sob uncontrollably for 40 minutes. How could these cops be so blind?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 12:24 AM
21

His reaction to you when you have an opinion that differs from his own. Are you terrified to answer no to the question "are these the best mash potatoes you ever had?", Then you have a problem. (And yes, this is a real example).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/21 03:15 PM
6

Exactly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/09/21 09:19 PM
94

Advice? Run!!! This is the classic abuser tactic where he blames you for snooping - and because you are a good person with integrity, you feel bad and remorseful - when I can assure you that he does not feel one ounce of remorse for the information and behaviors that you found out about through snooping. I was in a terribly abusive relationship and had I heeded my gut at the beginning - I snooped and found out something similar - I could have saved myself YEARS. There is no age where you are too…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/09/21 01:56 PM
2

Boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries! This is the single greatest lesson that I've learned from FDS. Boundaries are a tool to create the life that you want. You don't need to keep orbiters, lurkers, LV friends in your life. Leave all trash behind! Anytime I'm tempted to reunite with that one guy who has some HV traits but has enough LV ones that I KNOW he's trash, I think to myself "you can't keep sticking your hand in trash and expect to find a treasure." Great post.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/09/21 02:40 PM
33

I love this so much. Spot. On.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/09/21 11:52 PM
3

I also love the idea that personal power can be gained by practicing indifference towards some scrotey scrote. Don't engage!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/21 01:20 PM
129

Vaping was also involved.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/21 11:13 AM
5

I'm curating a show of feminist art by my students! They are so excited for this opportunity. I decided that for this school year I am going to divert all the care, attention, and resources that I would normally expend on LVM/NVM to young women, and I'm recruiting a bunch of mentors. It's going to be a great year!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/09/21 11:57 PM
42

Ooh, I want to play. I'm going to throw "I'm lazy" , "people tell me I'm arrogant", and "my mom called me selfish" on the pile. Check, check, check.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/09/21 11:33 AM
121

This all happened to me and it was a frozen pizza.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/21 12:21 AM
13

This is really inspirational. I love your strength. And just the thing I needed to read to kick off my "scrote free September."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/09/21 01:16 PM
18

I mean I hate to say it, but this dude gets some points for creativity... (but obviously he's terrible).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/21 11:41 PM
5

I love this image.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/21 01:17 AM
2

👏👏👏
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/21 02:08 AM
5

Let's also not forget the reverse fuck-boy, so the guy who married young for cultural or religious reasons but then hits his mid30s and now wants his fuckboy phase. Seen too much of this phenomenon as of late...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/21 08:06 PM
3

Yeah this exactly. This is how my therapist convinced me that someone like this was bad news because I couldn't get it through my head that he couldn't be reformed. She was like "you've been in weekly therapy for the last 8 months, if you got back together, what do you think would have changed on his end?" and the answer was obviously nothing as there is no way in hell he was in therapy or had even done any self-reflection. It would just be another ride on the merry-go-round. No thanks.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/21 08:01 PM
9

Right here with y"all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/21 11:27 PM
32

Even if he is a happy puppy he can still be trash. I can think of many married and taken men who've acted like this around me, or single men who acted like this but only liked the idea of me, not me. That's why we vet over time and never stop vetting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/08/21 05:02 PM
2

I'm laughing at my former pick me self that the last guy I dated lured me back to his basement man cave with wine and frozen pizza bought at the convenience store, which we drank and ate on plastic lawn chairs (did I mention he was in his late 30s?)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/21 11:45 PM
2

It's an absolutely terrible idea, and I say that as someone who is imminently going to be seeing their ex after our office was shut down for a year a half. I think the best way to deter yourself is to concentrate on the fact that you get paid to work, not flirt.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/08/21 06:23 PM
16

This right here is a great comment. I like how you worded this - a "quiet knowing." There is such serenity knowing your worth. This week I was contacted by someone whom I always felt I needed in my life to validate my work, and for the first time since finding FDS, I realized I don't need this. I have this bedrock of self-esteem now where my worth comes from within.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/08/21 01:06 PM
49

Totally. We need to normalize this. Just imagine how much free time, energy, and peace of mind women would have if they would just adopt this one rule. I'm only half-joking when I say that world domination would not be far behind.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/21 05:02 PM
163

Commenter is clearly Rose.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/08/21 05:50 PM
7

women's historian here - thirding this comment. this is why no one knows who andrea dworkin is. respect the women who brought us here - know your history.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/21 08:59 PM
4

Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/21 11:57 PM
5

He's amazing. Someone mentioned him here about eight months ago and I fell down a rabbit hole watching all his YouTube videos (which I also highly recommend.) It would take me twice the amount of time of the video to watch it because I kept stopping and taking notes. He also has great things to say about women being financially independent and that you shouldn't get into a relationship until you've really worked on yourself. Thanks for writing this up!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/21 06:46 PM
33

This was really inspirational. Thank you for writing this!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/08/21 06:03 PM
42

I'm sorry you are experiencing this but "chasing starts in the mind" is an incredible way of putting it. Good call.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/08/21 11:26 PM
38

I'm an academic who works with academics. I would suggest that you vet them very, very carefully. My colleagues are incredibly immature and emotionally stunted, but you wouldn't know it based on their teaching or research.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/08/21 06:49 PM
290

This is the exact passage that made me realize that I was in an abusive relationship.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/08/21 06:43 PM
59

I can't stop laughing about the shapeshifting. Yeah, this concept is bonkers. The TF is always a married guy who is running from "the chaser", who is always some delusional woman. It doesn't matter if the wife is currently in the way, though, because the delusional woman and her TF are actually together in the fourth dimension or something. I think these women may be beyond saving.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/07/21 01:57 AM
2

So I teach a class where we look at a pamphlet on birth control that was created in 1914. Over one hundred years ago. Obviously some of the methods described in the pamphlet have been debunked, but there are more choices of birth control in this pamphlet than in 2021.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/21 11:52 PM
565

I came here to post the exact same story!!! The scrote reporting on this on NBC was like "well, she lost out on winning at the Olympics, but she won because her long-term boyfriend proposed!" Get. Out. Of. Town.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/07/21 12:05 PM
33

Thank you mods. Your bluntness is exactly what's needed. As a DV survivor turned advocate, I can tell you that confrontational therapy - which feels awful in the beginning - is what we use to shake women out of their stupor. It works. We have a limited time on this earth, and we don't have years to waste in these relationships that are at best going nowhere, and at their worst, will corrode your mind, heart, and spirit. (And as an aside, modernmedusaa, your post some weeks back on Instagram and …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/21 10:06 PM
6

Been in your spot, and just recently got over an ex who refused to leave my head and heart after one year of consistently reading FDS and Baggage Reclaim and committing to weekly therapy. FDS is not just about dating - it's about leveling up so that you can be a whole and complete person by yourself. Right now you have to shift your focus away from the LVM and put it back on you. He's your past - where are you right now? As scary as it feels, both feet in the present. And I would say no dating r…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/21 12:49 PM
16

Yes, it's high time we all start calling them what they are - predators.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/07/21 12:05 PM
2

I really appreciate this! I have a game plan now :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/21 10:50 PM
3

Thank you. Such good advice. I imagine myself slipping into this comfortable familiarity by habit, which is not what I want. I will conduct myself with the utmost professionalism. We used to collaborate quite a bit, but that will be over now. He did hurt me, and he deserves zero of my time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/07/21 08:47 PM
11

I suggest that you get your own counselor. Remember you are the most important person here. You need to protect you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/21 07:32 PM
47

I'm so sorry. You can't have a relationship based on lies. I've known many men like this, and have been on the receiving end as the ex these guys would attempt to message. They don't grow up and they don't change. You deserve so much better than this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/21 03:33 PM
45

Yes. I was going to say the same thing. I had forgotten how awful it was to see this, or even worse, the couples eating in stony silence and then waiting for the check while each looks at their phones. I am never so happy to be single! This is exactly why we need to vet and take our time - no rush to get into a terrible relationship.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/21 12:27 PM
103

This is an extremely common scenario in abusive relationships. And I doubt he was always like this - he was probably extremely generous in the beginning up until the point of locking her down. I know people don't want to believe it, but men like this can viciously change after marriage. Probably there were red flags in the sense that he was controlling about other things and he was smart enough to lay the groundwork with this "I'm careful about money" bullshit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/21 12:21 AM
11

This is exactly what I was going to say. You'll second guess yourself anyway, but there ARE people out there that will treat you decently just the way you've treated him. If he doesn't treat you with trust, care, and respect? You're incompatible. I also think the way a man treats your time speaks volumes about whether he is LV or HV. The silent treatment and guessing games are wasting a lot of your time, time better spent on you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/21 08:40 PM
3

I feel like this might be a common problem now that there is a return to the office. I hope someone has answers for us! (and same, this guy is the reason I found FDS).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/21 04:52 PM
8

I am about to return to work post-COVID and see the guy I had a situationship with before the pandemic. After getting into FDS last May, I basically called him out on his behavior towards women (using his charm to gain favors at work, harem-like tendencies, blurry boundaries, etc), told him I wouldn't be continuing our thing post pandemic, and then he "dumped" me over text because he said I was "too judgmental." What is the right way to handle our inevitable encounter at work? Basically want to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/07/21 12:54 PM
4

Oh my god yes! it's so incredibly annoying to be constantly interrupted during your day. I feel like this is one of the major signs of a LVM - don't you have other things you should be doing? Who has time for this? Pre-FDS, there was a guy I liked who would incessantly blow up my phone and I would actually make up imaginary plans to so that I could have some peace and quiet. Needless to say it didn't last.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/07/21 04:50 PM
45

Oh I'm fine. I got a promotion and now he can't bother me. But I also work in one of these professions where drinks with colleagues are a thing but a manipulator can really take advantage. You were being normal and friendly but he was clearly testing your boundaries.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/21 02:43 AM
105

I'm you from the future. He's totally trying to get into your pants. He'll find more and more reasons why you have to "collaborate" at the bar at 10 at night while his wife and baby are home sleeping.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/21 02:25 AM
5

Good for you! It really is amazing, isn't it? Last week I had a similar epiphany and just unfriended/unfollowed/etc. a bunch of people who didn't share my core values. I can still be perfectly pleasant if I run into them, but I feel so much peace not having to see them pop up in my socials anymore.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 04:45 PM
71

Nailed it. My colleague, who is pushing 40, invited a few of us over to his place for drinks. Imagine my surprise when we didn't enter through the front door, but came in through an external set of doors that when opened, had a set of stairs that led to the basement. He then proceeded to party in the basement like he was 16, while his wife and infant son slept upstairs. I was kind of too stunned to move in a "what the hell am I witnessing here?" way. Truly one of the more bizarre encounters of r…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 02:23 AM
2

Hello, I was in a similar situation. Would you be open to changing therapists? I was in therapy for many years before an incident allowed me to connect with a domestic violence counselor. The difference was really night and day - the therapy was very confrontational, which I know sounds awful, but it's exactly what I needed, and there was an actual end point (24 sessions). I am also rebuilding. What kept me going was wanting to get to the other side and be a DV advocate. I know how hard this is …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 07:02 PM
45

As a college professor I say college professors in the humanities. They have egos for days, bask in the adoration of their students while doing minimal work, are terrible colleagues, and sit around discussing the looks of their female students. They usually have the maturity of 18-22 year olds and becoming a professor is their way of never leaving college. Also usually have a sweet setup where their family/home life is run by a sweet, unsuspecting caretaker.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 02:48 PM
6

I think it's good to know what your weaknesses are. For example, I have a thing for handsome foreigners, so much so that it is comical at this point. Your thing might be guys who write poetry, or are invested in a particular hobby. Regardless, you have to make sure that your superficial preferences don't blind you to what really counts - trust, honesty, and respect. I've dated many handsome foreigners but my best relationship was with an accountant from rural Virginia - he was a man of impeccabl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 12:04 AM
15

I want you to know that this response is more common than is talked about. It's a trauma response, and a way of trying to get control over a situation where you had no control. I hope you are healing. Know that you did nothing wrong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/07/21 05:00 PM
34

Hey we can do this! I just started a program exactly like this at the college where I teach - it's directly inspired by FDS. Our first talk is on Instagram culture, and another is based on a post that was here a few weeks back on women, finances, and your future. Anybody who is in a position to mentor should do so.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/07/21 12:45 AM
28

Absolutely. Who puts one, let alone three, of your youngest players in this high pressure situation? And if you're going to play at the highest level, for your country no less, then if you are the more experienced player you take the PK and you take the loss. LV all around except for those three young players who courageously stepped up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 12:35 PM
29

Exactly. Usually these men are incredibly emotionally immature and their definition of a HVW is one-dimensional: she's hot and she's fun, and that's about all he knows about her. She could be the entire package, but that's almost irrelevant because that's not what they value. These guys absolutely love to triangulate with the "boring" girlfriend/wife (that they totally depend on and would never leave), women they are attracted to and are targets of their sob story, and the dream woman that they …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 12:13 PM
41

YES. And I know it was ultimately the managers decision to make him take that PK, but noticeably the white more experienced players weren't clamoring to take them and let the younger players - all POC - take the fall.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 11:48 AM
39

Well said. Discipline is self-care and brings us closer to our dreams, which certainly do not involve LVM. A great inspirational read to start the new week.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 11:21 AM
90

I mean, I absolutely loathe cooking and yet I've somehow managed to keep myself alive, healthy, and in great shape. It can be done. (Can this guy possibly be for real?)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 01:14 AM
20

Boundaries supported by federal law is hilarious. I will use that in multiple contexts.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/21 02:43 PM
11

Thank you. Please say it louder for the people in the back. MEN CANNOT BE FEMINISTS. I will die on that hill.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 05:38 PM
48

I'm a DV survivor and now advocate for DV victims. I experienced all of the same - hiding the keys, sabotaging the laptop, the constant gaslighting so that you no longer trust yourself. I also read Lundy Bancroft's book but it was Stark's that made everything make sense. Stark's book is available to read for free here: https://archive.org/details/coercivecontrole0000star
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/07/21 11:54 AM
10

Yes. I found out of these things in my first marriage too. I'm going to write a follow up post about core values because I think the thing is, until you've been through one of these hellish relationships, you may not even give much thought to what your core values even are. I know I didn't, but now I know better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/21 03:37 PM
119

I was just going to write a post exactly like this because I've been seeing the same fallacies in posts on this sub. It doesn't matter how much you seemingly have in common, or that he checks off a particular set of (superficial) preferences that you may have. Fact of the matter is, if your core values don't align, you're incompatible. Period.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/21 02:41 AM
16

Exactly. This is why it's such insanity when you hear "experts" advise men not to tell their partners that they've cheated on them and that it's the cheater's burden to carry. It's like they're in collusion with the cheater, and the cheated upon doesn't deserve to have pertinent information to make intelligent decisions about her own life. The audacity is just astounding.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/07/21 05:21 PM
55

Exactly this. Like I doubt they've just been through six months of intensive therapy and now they're returning with more emotional attunement and a better skill set for relationships. If anything, you're even farther apart now because after a relationship is over women tend to actually self-reflect and do the work.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/07/21 02:29 PM
14

Married men who are interested in cheating use "I" a lot.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/21 06:50 PM
6

Inspirational!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/06/21 12:35 PM
39

Yes! I wrote that down in my journal and put all the stars next to it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/06/21 08:19 PM
2

I love this. I also live by a similar phrase "you have to become a different person than the one it happened to."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 11:29 PM
8

You should be SO proud of you for breaking it off. I want you to give yourself credit for that - that first step is incredibly hard. I think it's normal to reach out like this, and now with everything reopening, you're feeling nostalgia - I get it. You want to know that this guy cared for you, that it wasn't all a lie. But you know what, even if he did care for you at one point, he's an abuser, he's always going to choose himself, and now you've got to choose you. You already recognized that he …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 10:53 PM
4

Happy to help. It's really quite simple: everyone loves attention, but when you have a hole inside of you, you have to seek it from others. You're strong, you can get that validation from yourself.
/r/askFDS25/06/21 04:15 PM
5

https://www.salon.com/2017/12/18/how-to-heal-from-the-toxic-triangulation-of-narcissists_partner/ I get it. But the only person who really benefits from this relationship is him. Someone who really cared for you wouldn't keep you on a leash like this, knowing that you had feelings for him...and then there's his pregnant partner. The article above was really useful to me to shift the emphasis back to where it belongs: me. When you're ready, you'll block and delete him and never look back.
/r/askFDS25/06/21 04:12 PM
6

This is where you have to be brutally honest with yourself and admit that whatever sparkly qualities this guy has are vastly outweighed by him texting you while he has a pregnant girlfriend at home. You know that this is not what you want. In my case this friend was my refuge from a very abusive relationship - but looking back at it now, I realize that he was also taking advantage of my vulnerability. Guys like this will take and take and take with no remorse. No crumb of attention is worth it, …
/r/askFDS25/06/21 02:17 PM
7

A number of things. In my case, saying "we're just friends", was more of a denial that I had feelings for someone I was not supposed to have feelings for. I couldn't bring myself to stop hanging out with this friend until I really examined my behavior and realized how completely unfair it was to this man's partner - and then I removed myself from that situation. But when a guy says "we're just friends", he uses it both to deflect guilt and to absolve himself of responsibility for playing with th…
/r/askFDS25/06/21 02:00 PM
3

I've re-read this at least 3 times this week and I have found it to be so helpful. I'm not in any headspace to date - I'm spending the summer working on myself - but it did help me reframe my most recent breakup as an act of empowerment. You are so right, we are in control, and even though I'm still dealing with grief, there is also such peace knowing that I honored my standards by moving on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 12:11 PM
2

I could have written this, down to the past girlfriend that he was with for 7 years. You need to leave the past in the past. You can be sure that he treated his ex as poorly as he treated you, and just as you feel compassion for yourself, it's enough to feel compassion for this woman but also honor that she has hopefully done her healing and moved on. If it's an option for you, seek out therapy. I've needed a therapist to push back on these thoughts of "maybe it just happened to me". More import…
/r/askFDS25/06/21 11:50 AM
8

Guy is careful about expenses but has unlimited funds for alcohol also screams drinking problem to me, and as that female friend pre my FDS days (not proud), I can assure you that they both revel in their "special friendship" and they are seeing each other in everything but name - their friendship provides the cover for their shadiness and also allows them to lie to themselves. You are worth much, much more than this. You need to nope right on out of there.
/r/askFDS25/06/21 11:37 AM
21

This all goes back to time. LVM have no problem wasting your time, and more importantly, while you are spending all this time ruminating and crafting the perfect message to make them understand, they are not thinking about this - AT ALL. The more posts I read here, the more I think that how a man handles your time is the great tell that separates LV from HV men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 10:59 AM
1

Nice. Enjoy!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 12:51 AM
11

I really like what you've said here about giving people control and access to your life. Rather than be flattered, maybe we should be evaluating why some men need to be texting you all the time - I've found that whenever this happened, the guy would later turn out to be really controlling. I don't want to be chained to a device and "on call" all the time for someone else, I want to be living my life. Like OP said, it's low value.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 03:54 PM
25

This last part. If he is HV, his priority is his wife and his family. In the two cases of truly HVM friends in my life, they are always bringing up their wives and families in the most positive and wholesome ways. They are respectful and enforce boundaries with other women. If your male friend isn't doing any of this, then he's not a HVM. (And don't fall for the line that they're "private" which is why they won't bring them up- it really is not normal to keep your wife and family hidden away).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 03:38 PM
2

I'm so glad you wrote about this! I'm also a huge football fan and we have a wealth of good football to choose from right now between this tournament and the Copa America. But yesterday I started to get terrible flashbacks to two years ago when my love of football made me vulnerable to the advances of a NVM. I skipped a match that I wanted to watch, and it made me depressed thinking that watching football would be forever spoiled by this loser. Thanks to your post, I'm taking back my power.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 03:23 PM
20

Oh no! Dr. Ramani has been so helpful for me personally and for a circle of friends who married/dated/were raised by narcissists - there's a lot of them out there. Thank you for alerting us so that we can head over there and send her some love.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/21 12:57 PM
3

Agree with all of this. I also want to add that I loved what you said in the post about cowards. You are such a good writer and I wish you would make a separate post just about that because I do think if you could just flip that switch in your head, you could move on quicker from these NV relationships instead of trying to make them work. Who wants to be with a coward? I certainly don't. Also, I hope you don't mind if I use on of your previous posts on women in social media in my class this summ…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/21 12:03 PM
11

Lately I've seen a more infuriating variation of this, where the scrote cheats on his wife not with a run of the mill pickmeisha, but with another woman who has HV traits but is in a truly vulnerable place - they swoop in and are the supportive friend and then make their move. In one case the woman had cancer; in the other she was leaving a horrifically abusive relationship. In both cases, these women wised up and called the men out on their cheating AND taking advantage of their vulnerability, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/06/21 01:39 AM
31

This was so good and Amanda Peet was excellent! And literally I was taking notes when that psychologist was talking. I also recommend the first installment, Dirty John, which is also based on a true story. It's absolutely bonkers. If you're on the fence about not going 50/50 on a date, you'll change your mind after you see what happens after you rent a $7,000 a month beach house for your new boyfriend.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/06/21 07:55 PM
1

Awesome!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/21 10:22 PM
19

All this. During quarantine I spent a lot of time reevaluating the men in my life, and I ended up calling out a friend for his shitty treatment of his wife, with numerous documented incidents that had to do with his porous boundaries with other women. His response was to get mad, say "I was always a good friend to you" and "I never judged you" - although there was nothing to judge - and then give me the silent treatment. The immaturity of grown men is astounding.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/21 01:42 PM
15

Daylio is good, I personally use Thought Diary because it's based on Cognitive Therapy. With this app, you check in (how are you doing?) then it asks what emotions you are experiencing (you pick from a list); what are you doing (list of activities)- this is particularly useful to tie activity with emotion, so I'm going through a breakup so for me screens = sadness, except for checking FDS; then you can elaborate. After those steps you can either write down thoughts that are going through your he…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 09:30 PM
11

I use this too! What I also like about it is that when I get urges to send texts to NVM or check up on his social media I use this app instead and the urge passes
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 03:30 PM
97

As someone who is now doing this work backwards in therapy - actually going through old journal entries about a relationship and realizing that most of them were negative - this recommendation is gold. I also started to track my moods with an app and it was eye-opening to see that my saddest moods corresponded with my interactions with him. The data doesn't lie!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 01:58 PM
47

This is so beautifully written. You deserve the world. Shine on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 01:52 PM
4

Exactly. Your time is valuable. As we know, men are totally non reflective about their own behavior, which although that sucks for human relations must really free up a lot of time! Meanwhile women are analyzing, discussing with friends, reading relationship subreddits and relationship books, consulting astrology...Just no. Think of all that time you could be using to work on your fabulous self. I mean I wouldn't even have to go to therapy if it wasn't for men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 12:06 PM
9

Yes please we need this. Venting helps up to process our emotions. I agree not every day but one day, vent, and move on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 11:49 AM
17

I just wanna keep screaming "The world is not your brothel!" Would it be wrong to print out multiple copies of that and slide it under the doors of certain colleagues' offices for our return from Covid? Replace "world" with "campus."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 07:38 PM
216

"The absolute safest thing for you to do when a man hurts you is assume that he did know what he was doing, he meant it, he wanted to, and he’ll do it again, and act accordingly- this goes for any type of abuse." This. A thousand times this. As soon as you feel unsafe , even if you can't really pinpoint why - do not second-guess yourself, do not try to talk yourself out of it, you are picking up that something is off because it IS off. Trust your gut. (Editing to add that I'm a survivor of DV - …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 01:38 AM
6

Love this advice. Keeping stuck in these horrible communication patterns is designed that way to control you. I talked to my ex until I was blue in the face - he didn't care. The feelings that would rise up in me would make ME feel out of control, but I finally realized that this was a normal reaction to an intolerable situation. You know what made me feel back in control? Detaching and taking action. You have to focus on what you can control, not on what you can't control. Take your control bac…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 02:33 PM
9

I'm sorry that happened to you. Relationships between professors and students are completely unethical. These men view campus as their personal hunting ground. It really is depraved.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 02:56 AM
12

Wow. I've never heard of that before. That's powerful information. And I'm so sorry that you went through that. I've also been there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/06/21 10:16 PM
71

Yes! Love it. I have already said on this sub that I work in academia, and I am OVER pretending that my male colleagues don't use their power and influence to creep on women they have power over - it could be tenure track or adjunct faculty; it could be administrators or department assistants; and grossest of all, it is frequently young women who are their students. In particular, I see how they use these young women students in all kinds of ways - to write glowing rate my professor reviews; to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/06/21 01:01 PM
337

Thank you for sharing this. What is mind-blowing to me about this bus story is how this paralysis exists on a continuum. No wonder why so many women who experience sexual assault respond with this same paralysis. We've been groomed to react that way all of our lives.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/06/21 10:55 AM
41

Yeah like all of it is outrageous but this stood out to me too. Haven't had sex in three days? Time to open up the relationship! I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot - dude couldn't get it up for three days because of porn use - he probably wouldn't be quite so understanding about her going out and getting her needs met
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/06/21 01:44 AM
13

So a guy I thought I was seeing told me after we had sex that we were "just like brother and sister" and he had no feelings for me. So either he was into incestuous relationships or chalk this up to some weird subcategory of porn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 07:45 AM
22

She's exactly what we talk about here - very much into photographing herself in bikinis and posting them on Instagram, dancing on TikTok, etc. And we're talking early to mid 30s. She is attractive but there's not much else going on there. By contrast the wife is this sweet, caring earth mother type, pretty in a natural way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 07:35 AM
15

I think the parents also moved closer to them to watch their child. The secretary is single. While everyone is friendly in the office, I always thought he knew a little too much about her. Like last year she was applying for a job in a different department - secretary for a bigger department - and he seemed pretty invested in that. At the time I just thought it was a little weird that he even knew that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 07:27 AM
34

Yes, evidence is key. This guy's parents are dead but I do know her parents were very involved in childcare during the pandemic...and this is how he repays them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 07:14 AM
18

I agree. She deserves to know. Unfortunately I have no poker face so I am pretty sure I am telegraphing my disgust for all to see. Maybe my emotions need to die down a bit before contacting her anonymously. 10 years of marriage. God I hate men sometimes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 06:55 AM
56

I got confirmation that one of my married colleagues is banging our department secretary. Anyone have any similar experience having to deal with cheaters in the workplace? I just feel rageful over the entitlement and inappropriateness of it all, and of course the wife is an absolute sweetheart, beautiful child together, etc. etc.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 06:19 AM
3

Oh wow!!! We could practically be twins (although I'm not a therapist). I applaud you calling them out, this is what needs to happen. You go to these therapists begging for a lifeline and instead you are victimized all over again. And how is it that they can't see through these charades by men? Aren't therapists trained for this. Anyway, how awesome that you have turned it around and are using your experience to help other women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/21 03:45 AM
5

This!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/21 03:13 AM
19

Manipulation and gaslighting ARE abuse!!! I'm scared to ask what the definition of abuse is for your therapist. Again, if you can't get a reality check from your therapist, who are you supposed to trust? And you actually DID do it on your own because YOU are the one who realized what's what. You did good.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/21 03:09 AM
30

Exactly!!! This is why I became and advocate and why FDS resonates so strongly with me. We NEED to be staging interventions. We have to get over this warped idea of "it's none of my business, I shouldn't get involved." We have to keep calling out this behavior again and again because apparently, most therapists won't do it. (And in case anyone is wondering, all my therapists were women.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/21 01:01 AM
117

Bullshit. Dump your therapist. I am going to be writing a long-ass post about shitty therapists. Let me tell you something - I went to drumroll four different therapists to confirm that I was in an abusive relationship. Each time, the therapist would tell me to "just communicate". Guess what? Because of these terrible therapists, I stayed in that relationship far too long - long enough that I had to call the hotline, at which point I was referred to a therapist who specializes in DV, who confirm…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/21 10:56 PM
4

Or "that wasn't my intention"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/21 03:33 AM
16

I feel like you wrote this for me. I have someone in my life that I have been having a hard time getting over, and I think it's because I met this person right out of an abusive relationship. So by contrast, his behavior didn't seem quite as bad. But slowly over time I saw him for what he was - a coward. People with character and integrity live their truth. If they do wrong, they admit it and face the consequences, not hide like a little boy, make up excuses, or shut down conversations entirely.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/21 12:13 PM
16

Agree with this. This should be higher. And this concept of the "device wife" also reminds me of guys who breadcrumb through texts and keep women tied to their phones. I never felt sadder or more out of control then when I was chained to a phone waiting for a guy to text me. I stopped texting men three months ago and I have so much peace of mind.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/05/21 03:59 PM
14

See, I like this. If you call out their behavior as selfish and inconsiderate, then I think it's far easier to see that this "rejection" is not a rejection, but a reflection of a man's poor character.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/21 12:49 PM
37

Thank you for writing this up. We're so conditioned as women to see rejection as "there must be something wrong with me" that even when we know better, at least for me, I still get this weird knee-jerk response when I read the words "if he wanted to, he would". Today I thought something along the lines of "if he appreciated my value he would, but he doesn't, so who cares?" Not quite as catchy but the point is that his response doesn't meet my standards so who actually cares what he wants.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/21 12:13 AM
7

Thank you. You've totally inspired me. And it's the same with my workplace, I run circles around my male colleagues. I know my worth and what I bring to the table. It's time to move on!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 06:12 PM
15

Yes!!! I agree this should be its own post. Well said.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 06:05 PM
28

Another always comes and I’ll be damned if I chase or convince you to value me. I love this last sentence. And it applies to all situations. More and more I've been complaining about the value I bring to my job and my company and in return I've been met by silence or "meh". Or even worse, my achievements have been used to prop up the company with no credit given to me. Instead of thinking that it's some kind of reflection on my worth, I'm now going to see it as a reflection on them. I needed thi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 12:34 PM
9

Super exciting for those of us in the field. A great scholar and helmed Orsay when it took a critical look at 19th century (male, of course) artists using women of color as models in their work.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/21 12:02 PM
28

I'm so glad we are finally calling this out now. Same.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/21 10:34 AM
30

Good for you. I know how you feel, but I think of it as clearing weeds so that a beautiful garden can take root. My hardest struggle has been that I used to collaborate with a number of men professionally due to my specific discipline and thought I couldn't replicate that, but over the past year I have found better, more HVW as mentors and collaborators, some of whom have also become friends. Keep doing what you're doing. You are clearing space for more HVP to come into your life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/21 02:24 PM
36

Yes!!! God, I thought I was the only person who thought this. I nearly cried tears of joy when my 11 year old niece, who genuinely loves to dance, said "why do I have to put my dances on Tik-Tok? That's stupid. I'm too busy dancing." You said it perfectly: "Why do I want to reduce myself down to "content" for losers to consume?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/21 12:18 AM
4

In this case I don't think so? The two women I'm thinking of are our admins at work. I think this is maybe all they have going on .
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/21 12:12 AM
31

Great post OP and this comment also resonates with me. I also don't get the Instagram profile that solely has pictures of yourself. Like I used to think "maybe I'm just a jealous hater because I'm not posing in a bikini under a waterfall", but even in this example, are there no other things to take pictures of? Flowers? Trees? The waterfall itself? Who is this endless roll of pictures of yourself for, exactly? Why this constant need to perform?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/21 07:10 PM
89

Encountered two guys in the span of 15 minutes wearing cologne on a a jogging trail. They're desperate.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/21 02:47 PM
14

This all day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/21 02:40 PM
6

First of all , thank you for the important work that you do. I can imagine that sometimes it feels like a losing battle, and it has come at great personal cost. But you are making a difference, and collectively, we CAN fight back against this. I'm an educator and also a DV survivor turned advocate and I am with you in this fight. You are not alone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/05/21 10:34 AM
12

Oh my god yes, One of my colleagues got mad that the other had cut in front of him at the copy machine, so he went back to their shared office and knocked his books off his desk. The other came back, looked at his books on the floor, and proceeded to move out of their office for a week. I had to broker the truce. Two men with PhDs in their late 30s. You can't make this stuff up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/05/21 11:24 PM
7

Thank you! I love makeup and I absolutely HATE these videos. I mentor young women and I just find these videos so toxic, especially when I get to read a bunch of essays on the negative effects of influencer culture on women's self-esteem. Why can't they just deliver the message without putting on makeup? I find the whole thing just totally bizarre. Like I'm trying to imagine Gloria Steinem or Angela Davis delivering one of their powerful messages while doing this and it just seems absurd. Is thi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 05:31 PM
3

This is really good. I hope people in the U.S. are gearing up for a fight now that the Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case on abortion. The time to mobilize is NOW.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 05:40 PM
3

oh my god this. spot on. been there, done that. and do not be upset if she stays, the only important thing is that YOU go.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 05:26 PM
17

I think that depending on where you are in the world, a lot of us will be feeling this temptation now that things are opening up. Thank you queen! Great set of strategies to get through it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 09:44 PM
33

Congratulations and thank you for posting. This upcoming week is going to be my week of low value temptation. Your strength has inspired me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/21 09:41 PM
29

I thought so too, but apparently Gloria Steinem graciously corrected the record in 2000 by noting that Australian educator, journalist, and activist Irina Dunn first coined the phrase in 1970 as a student feminist activist, once again proving that a real queen lifts others up. (Can you imagine a man correcting the record?)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/05/21 12:22 PM
57

When FKA twigs was doing interviews about having been abused by Shia LaBeouf, she said something that I thought was just so awesome in response to how she was now handling the aftermath of the abuse: "I think I needed to, I just couldn't carry it anymore, you know? I felt like I was cracking. Now I've handed his dysfunction back to him and it's his." She also called out Gayle King for asking her "why did you stay?" and said the real question is "why did that man terrorize you into staying with h…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 01:49 PM
9

I am so sorry that this happened to you. As other commenters have said, this is not as uncommon as you think it is. What bothered me the most about your story was the crying. In whose twisted mind would crying be seen as an invitation to keep going? I know it is a total mindf*ck because this person is supposed to be your best friend, but no best friend would treat you this way. Your gut knows what's up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/05/21 03:05 PM
57

I'll work on it for the end of the week. Just the gross language that is used to talk about these rapes and murders is really something - the cutesy names; the admiration of perpetrators' "skill" in evading the police; experts calling this period "the golden age of serial killers", etc., etc.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 05:35 PM
87

Yes!!! Watch the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix if you have access. I talked about this. The New York Times described him as "Kennedy-esque" and the "best that America has to offer" (???) In fact, because he was viewed as "a clean-cut law student" he was given less security and escaped not once, but TWICE, murdering other women and at least one 12 year old girl.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 05:30 PM
35

True, but now how he was written about in the press
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 05:26 PM
295

Love this. I did a public talk a few weeks back on true crime and the packaging of violence against women as entertainment. What was really interesting to me in researching this topic was that during the time that there was a wave of rapists and serial killers in CA in the 70s and 80s, there was also a group of women fighting back against the media's treatment of the victims. I'm going to do a post on it soon.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 02:44 PM
32

Random stories about people I think is a big one. Wasn't cheated on, but a married male friend began dropping our department secretary into conversations - like he knew she was interviewing for a new job; then he told me some story about some mishap she had when she was a dancer; and then the smoking gun for me - when we shut down for Covid, he was worried about her because he knew how crappy her insurance was and was worried about it. And I was like "How exactly do you know the details of our d…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/21 08:13 PM
6

This is goals right here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 06:50 PM
20

I have a brilliant therapist and about two months back, she picked the random date of May 20th for when I could "get closure" by having a final conversation with my ex. But the funny thing is, as each week went by, she asked me to report how I was feeling about this convo, and it started to become less and less appealing. Today I actually said "Do I have to?" to which she laughed. And then she asked "What do you think will happen if you have this conversation?" and I said, "More of the same, wha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 04:15 PM
26

I know I shouldn't be surprised anymore, but every time this happens, when the entitlement rears its ugly head, it makes me depressed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 04:04 AM
46

That "no obvious problems" is just gold. Says it all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 07:08 PM
8

All I will say is that I thought I could put up with it in exchange for job security. But this sociopath literally wore everyone down. No one was willing to support me or get involved because they were exhausted dealing with her. I was on my own. It wasn't worth it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 12:16 PM
27

I worked with a literal sociopath - except it was a woman - and I cannot tell you the damage this woman did to my psyche in under a year. I started out in one of these contract positions, then was offered the job - 5 people at the company tried to talk me out of taking it. "How bad could it be?" I asked myself. Oh. So bad. Please triple your efforts to find a new job.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 12:35 AM
9

I love this! It would be great to see more women's history on this sub.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 01:47 AM
4

Thank you for being an awesome human being.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 11:33 AM
37

Absolutely! And what is so dangerous is that being labeled "selfish" by an LVM triggers that family of origin stuff, so if you haven't dealt with that you are much more willing to completely give up your needs to satisfy the whims of someone else. The motto is from psychologist Polly Young-Eisendrath's text Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted. A really fantastic book recommended by a fellow FDS-er and available for free at the Internet Archive.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/21 02:44 PM
98

Excellent post. If you were raised in one of these families then you were primed for abuse, and oftentimes this catering to an LVM's needs will seem normal even when its not. A word that is often thrown around in these families is "selfish". "Selfish" means daring to have wants or needs of your own. I have a mantra that has been working for me: "I have the right to claim personal sovereignty over my own life."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/21 01:50 PM
29

ooh storytime. this reminds me of when my male colleague decided to organize a big trip, recruited faculty and students from other departments, sent out permission slips to be signed so that the students could get out of class and then, the day before, when I contacted him about when the bus was leaving the next day he said "oh. I didn't have time to make the arrangements." when the (noticeably women) faculty were up in arms, the male faculty responded by saying "oh give him a break, he has a ne…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/21 02:41 PM
4

Oh my god, I forgot about that one...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 03:37 PM
16

It's emotional blackmail. The cool girl isn't supposed to bring up things that are bothering her. Want to have a discussion and work through problems like an adult? The cool girl is just supposed to go with the flow, which, by all the posts we see here includes things like the guy's best (female) friend having the key to this house or my other favorite, them sleeping in the same bed. The cool girl is just supposed to be a blank projection screen for the male ego, not have wants or needs of her o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 01:29 PM
3

Wise you knows what's up, which is why you are having these strong emotions. Some part of you already knew, now the rest of you is catching up. You have to ride the wave until it dies down and if you're at week two, you're doing good. Therapy and definitely put some space between the two of you. I understand that the urge to talk to him may be strong, but something that really helped me was - you can't go to the person who created the problem to find your way out of the problem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 04:32 AM
4

yes. you're not alone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 04:59 PM
5

So I should say that my ex was both brilliant and utterly ruthless and could almost always think one step ahead of me. When I was sad about having to leave and lose my house and my possessions, I thought about how the Russians were willing to let Moscow burn in order to defeat Napoleon (in my defense I was reading War and Peace at the time). Sun Tzu in the Art of War also says, "when your enemies think you are close, be far away." Anyway general premise is that to retreat doesn't always mean you…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 04:50 PM
19

So, I left an incredibly abusive relationship with someone who, on the outside, looked like a HVM. Someone mentioned the Shock Doctrine - I actually realized I was in an abusive relationship by noting the similarities to the tactics described in this book with my own experience. I'm a student of history, so I then strategized getting out by literally adopting the mindset that I was in a war and had to employ the tactics of war to evade the enemy. I know it's anecdotal, but you are completely on …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 11:38 AM
40

This, a million times this. There is a reason why male professors hooking up with the department secretary/19 year old college student is a cliche.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 01:46 AM
4

Oh totally! I love that line too. I'm always blown away by the default in society that the opinions of mediocre men mean more than our own.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/21 01:11 PM
8

wow. oh my god. I'll be on the lookout for that one. ugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 06:25 PM
3

Ok, I will post in a couple of days!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 05:58 PM
50

I love this essay. I collect old Ms. Magazines from the 70s and the writing in there is just incredible. I should try to scan some of the issues and post them here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 01:13 PM
24

Yes, the absolute best is that they are so greedy that one good woman isn't enough! In every instance where I've seen a man cheat, he has a sweet, loyal, hardworking, wife at home giving him and their children 110 percent.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 12:46 PM
4

Exactly this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 08:42 PM
19

I read your previous post. I am going through this right now. One. Day. At. A. Time. What I suspect is that you spent enormous amounts of time and energy arranging your life around this guy. So now that he's not there? You have all the time on your hands and you don't know what to do with yourself. The only thing that has worked for me is distraction. Should you be leveling up? Sure. But like everyone else has said, you're going through withdrawal so take it easy on yourself. Watch ALL the Nextf…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 07:55 PM
27

Yes! He would mutter his ex-fiance's name while raping (and eventually killing) other victims. This poor lady was interviewed on the netflix doc and clearly someone asked her "do you feel responsible?" Get out of here...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 01:31 PM
14

I have a very limited number of days on this planet, and I want to look awesome and have fun with my outer appearance as much as possible. This!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 05:39 PM
31

Yes exactly. That was my experience as well. I like to wear red lipstick and bright colors and my ex was always shaming me about it. I wasn't doing it to attract men, I was doing it because that is how I feel confident, polished, and put together. Abusive control over other women's appearance can go the other way, too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 02:49 PM
53

I also think it's important to just dress and do your makeup (or not) however it feels best for you! I agree makeup and fashion are expression and I like to wear makeup, high heels, get manicures, etc. I dress for me, and I also love to get dressed up and go out with my girlfriends (looking forward to that post-Covid). I wanted to throw this out there because my Ex NVM would always drag me and say " Who are you trying to impress?" And my response was "I'm trying to impress me."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 01:00 PM
16

Basically men come here and read without commenting. Although there have been some who have broken that rule.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 02:03 AM
163

A pickme former friend that I knew had a male married friend in his early 40s who used to sneak out of his house around 9/10 at night, ride his bicycle over to her house (of course), and sit in the backyard with her on a bench with knees touching, staring at the moon. Pickme would justify this by saying 1) nothing was going on and 2) his wife was so mean to him and treated him like dirt. Come to find out that the guy had three kids under the age of 7 and was out every night of the week. I wonder…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/21 02:04 PM
79

These were written and distributed by men. Women's Historian here that works on suffrage.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/21 01:24 PM
36

Yes! I just broke off a friendship with a man yesterday for this exact reason. Me "I don't like how you are all flirty with women, and texting women friends late at night, it's disrespectful to your wife." Him "ignore, ignore, ignore. here's a list of all the great things I've done for you!" You have to look at the whole person.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/21 01:21 AM
5

Thank you. I really appreciate that.♥️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/21 12:19 AM
15

Thank you. I've never admitted this "out loud" before. Just starting on the path of healing now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/21 07:27 PM
37

I think because it's really, really painful to think about. I don't want to get into too many details, but I was friends with a guy, I guess secretly really liked him, we went out and had too much to drink, and while I was into initially hooking up he started badgering me for more and at some point, I gave up. I can still barely think about how I cried afterwards saying we had ruined our friendship. The next day I convinced myself that this was consensual. I finally had the courage (and I guess …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/21 04:27 PM
11

Ugh. I needed to hear this. Thank you. I work with this person who I now realize was just using me and it is SO HARD because cutting contact or saying anything about this realization of how he used me would mean risking professional advancement. I wish I knew how to stoically get through the day without it bothering me so much.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/21 11:25 AM
23

I am the only woman in my department and I'm about to start work on a major grant that requires their buy-in to proceed. No joke, I literally had to sit down and do a personality assessment on each one thinking what it would require to get them on board - one is an only child who needs to feel special; one likes to think of himself as the "expert" so I can't hurt his pride; one likes the ladies so I have to both evade his advances and be bubbly and smile. When I have to work with women it's just…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/03/21 12:49 PM
121

I think it's the "he doesn't want you part", but we have to keep reminding ourselves to turn it around and ask the right question, which is "Do I really want him?" As women we have to get out of the mindset that we are here to be chosen - we need to remember that WE are in the driver's seat. WE are empowered, a man needs to meet OUR standards, WE get to choose.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 09:49 PM
3

Haha yes, I feel strongly about it. Thanks for posting this info!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 09:49 PM
4

Let's give some love to Sarah Grimke, the abolitionist who first said " “But I ask no favors for my sex. I surrender not our claim to equality. All I ask of our brethren is, that they will take their feet from off our necks, and permit us to stand upright …” all the way back in 1837. And here we are in 2021 still asking.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 09:19 PM
27

Beautifully put.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/03/21 04:32 PM
136

As women, I think we are totally conditioned to let things slide once a guy utters the words "that wasn't my intention." "That wasn't my intention" is manipulative garbage meant to shut down all conversation. I can tell that FDS is sinking in when a male friend said this to me this past weekend and instead of saying nothing, I responded "well, can I ask what your intention was?" He was shocked and sputtered some nonsense reply. I was still too nice in wanting to resolve the issue. Gotta get to b…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/03/21 03:22 PM
4

You're so kind! Actually it's all my own terrible experiences with men that inspired me to create this group - and even more determined once I started reading FDS. We're creating a movement!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/21 12:38 PM
76

I work in academia and started a women's group on campus. At the very first meeting four of the students reported sexual harassment by their professors. At least two had gone through official channels to report. One of the professors in question had an entire file of these complaints dating back 20 years. Academia is one of the last holdouts in the #metoo era. There is no doubt in my mind that men see this as one of the perks of being a professor.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/21 11:23 PM
2

I would just like that I once saw Sigourney Weaver at a museum and she was in front of me looking intently at Ancient Near Eastern cuneiform tablets. So curious, smart, and beautiful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/21 09:51 PM
1

Yes. I'm willing to help pick out titles too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/02/21 05:52 AM
1

Awesome! I spent the day working on my career goals. Love yourself!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 06:37 PM
42

Excellent post. The thing is, you're seeing the relationship he moved on to when it's all shiny and new. Remember how great it was when you started seeing him and how it all eventually went to shit? That didn't happen overnight. We have enough women on this sub to have been that woman he moved on to, and I know in my case, I was naive to think that I was the one he would change for. In fact, they usually get much, much worse.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/01/21 04:47 AM
15

Congratulations and thank you for posting this. This is a topic I don't see covered that much on FDS - what if he's gorgeous and your hormones are raging and you may be compatible in all kinds of other ways but you know that he's just not good for you and hooking up with him will kill your self-esteem? I'm very proud of you because I know how difficult it is to fight this temptation. My solution right now is putting the blinders on and throwing myself into work.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/01/21 02:05 PM
1

Someone made a google docs spreadsheet a few years ago about sexual harassment in higher ed Sexual Harassment in the Academy where people could anonymously post their experiences. It was up to 2400 entries before it had to be shut down for new entries due to hacking. As a woman in higher ed, I am constantly amazed at the lack of boundaries between male colleagues and their students.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/21 06:57 AM
11

home screen on my phone post-Covid.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/21 03:07 AM
40

Yes! Maybe a screenshot free Sunday? I really could do without reading stupid text exchanges with LVM/NVMs.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/21 03:03 AM
10

Here's another thing - you will look much happier and relaxed when your picture is being taken by someone you love and trust. Even when I thought I loved my NVM, deep down I must have known something was off because you can see it in my face in the pictures he took of me (the best I can describe it is a strained smile). Now I know for the future that it is a red flag.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/21 01:11 PM
15

That is so wild! Yes, I keep reading all these stories about how charming he is, but literally my friend didn't even figure out UNTIL TWO YEARS AGO that the Elon that she knew in college was the same person as Elon Musk! When she told me my response was "That guy? Are you sure???"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 04:59 PM
6

Yeah, I can imagine that. I'm on a month long vacation so I'll pass. Haha.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 04:26 PM
31

He completely reinvented himself. That's what $$$ can do, I suppose. That being said, we always joke that we should work that tenuous connection to get jobs at SpaceX.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 03:49 PM
120

I've said it before and I'll say it again - my best friend went to school with Elon at UPenn and was friends with all his roommates, who lived in a big house. All the roommates were smart, cute, interesting, funny, and respectful to women. Elon was that creepy guy who tagged along to parties that no one wanted to date.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 03:39 PM
85

Yes!!! I love your energy here. Congratulations and happy travels! (Also a fellow woman who loves hiking - so good to see more of us represented here!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 12:57 AM
5

I want to let you know that you are not alone, this has happened to me more than once, and the guys were in the same age group. As an actual professional - unlike this weirdo - you probably know that you can set up a rule on outlook that will send all his messages straight to junk mail. But I second that you should first send him a terse message asking him to keep his communications professional. (I did laugh out loud when you said "outlook isn't tinder" - you wouldn't know it by the way these g…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/01/21 02:36 AM
15

Also, married men who treat you better than their own wives are not attractive.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/01/21 02:25 AM
13

One of the most painful lessons to learn, and I still struggle with the emotional fallout of this, is that just because a man takes advantage of an opportunity, that doesn't mean that he wants YOU. I realize that triggers all kinds of feelings of rejection, but you don't want a man who doesn't want you. Period. You dishonor yourself by not taking him at his word. If you want a relationship and he doesn't, then, be gone. Doing anything else is just hurting yourself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/12/20 05:31 PM
2

Agree! Yeah he was a true pioneer...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/12/20 01:11 AM
2

I don't actually know the answer to that specifically. Yes, Tahiti was more sexually liberated than western standards but he made up most of the stuff in his autobiography. I have to teach him and absolutely dread it when his turn comes around. I always want to punch him in his smug face...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 10:56 PM
17

Paul Gauguin was an asshole who took advantage of underaged women, gave them sexually transmitted diseases, and abandoned them when they got knocked up. He also ditched his Danish wife and five children to run away and live his alternative lifestyle in the South Pacific. He's like the ancestral douchebag of current polyamory,
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 03:56 PM
5

Agree. I have two HVM friends (well had, as one sadly passed away this year) and they have (had) wives that they talked about all the time in glowing terms and AND, I think this is key, these men had been through therapy (in both cases over the grief of losing their mothers). Every other guy that has tried to be friends is like a bomb ticking down to the seconds where they try to stick their hands in your pants.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 12:14 AM
7

Because women are taught from an early age that marriage is how women define success for themselves, so they need to give everything. I mean look at the trope that's played out in these Hallmark holiday movies - woman rocking a high power career in the big city comes home for Christmas, runs into her x-boyfriend from high school, and then decides to ditch her high paying job/awesome career opportunity to become a cupcake decorator or whatever in her small town because, "true love". The movies ar…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/12/20 10:00 PM
6

I think this is a really good point. So many times we think that we can change someone by modeling good behavior, but that's not always the case. When I was leaving my NVM husband, a friend said something that really helped me: "He's not capable of giving you what you need. It's just not in him. He doesn't have that." Instead of continuing to ask "Why can't he treat me like I treat him?" I began to look at it like my ex just didn't have the skill set to have a successful relationship. Chin up. I…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/12/20 01:43 AM
4

The NYTimes profiled writer and director Emerald Fennell last week (the same person who plays Camilla on the Crown!). It's an amazing interview and I'm looking forward to seeing more work by her.https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/17/magazine/promising-young-woman-emerald-fennell.html
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/12/20 07:09 PM
1

I've noticed that the only guys that I've been able to truly be friends with were raised by strong single mothers. Coincidence? I think not.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/12/20 01:31 AM
59

This is the perfect analogy. Spot on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/20 03:05 PM
38

This is exactly why I, and all my women academic friends use their title. We worked our asses off and put up with loads of bullshit - like this guy's misogyny - to get the three degrees that he doesn't have. I always tell my students that I respond to "Dr." and "Dr." and say that I hope that if they worked hard to get their doctorates they would use that title too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/12/20 06:46 AM
1

There was a really interesting article in the Atlantic that asked the question "what if friendships, not relationships were at the center of life." (Someone else posted it here awhile ago). As a woman in my 40s, I and all my other women friends are here. We have each others backs, we support one another and cheer each other on. No one can understand the struggles that women go through like other women. I also professionally mentor young women, and I would advise them to realign their thinking to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/12/20 05:16 PM
5

It's so great! Thanks for the recommendation, I'm am glued to the page.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/20 04:40 AM
3

Awesome! Shine on, you bright diamond.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/20 03:26 AM
20

I realize this is a small detail in this overall hellish scenario, but these guys who go out to party, alone, with their female coworker, after their wife and baby go to bed are surprisingly common. I know one who invited his coworker to party, in the basement of his house, while his wife and child were sleeping upstairs. (Dude is highly educated, with a prestigious job, and calls himself a feminist).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/20 03:20 AM
1

I was you. Married to a Cluster B. Men with these personality disorders absolutely thrive on chaos. Where there should no chaos, they will manufacture a situation to feed off it. They also are masters of coercive control. Your life become a prison, even if no one can see the bars. What you have done, acknowledging that you are in this prison, and spoken about your experience out loud is a powerful step. Keep approaching your situation with radical honesty. Acknowledge how bad it is. You will fee…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/20 11:56 PM
2

Ok. Wow. The title of this post and some of these comments are really pissing me off. It's called coercive control. If you have never had the misfortune to be abused like this, psychological experts will tell you that it is akin to be put in a hostage situation where all of your liberties are taken away from you. You are controlled so completely that you internalize the control and follow all the arbitrary rules and regulations that have been put on you. It's like brainwashing. I think this wome…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/20 09:54 PM
85

First of all, I cannot believe that you are only 17! I am old enough to be your mother and I am completely inspired. "Why would he never love me out loud?" Wow, I love that question, especially when it leads to your conclusion that the problem isn't you, it's him. "Do not let yourself be loved in secret." That just cuts through everything, doesn't it? Excellent post.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 08:31 PM
5

Just want to add, I get it. You can't really help who you're attracted to, but it helps to remember that you're getting paid to work, not flirt.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 03:45 PM
14

It's terrible for your reputation. Colleagues will write off male flirting as "boys will be boys", you will be labeled the office slut. Even if your work is good, people will take you less seriously. If you have the misfortune of attracting charming fuckboys 1) everyone will assume that you're sleeping with them and 2) the worst of the worst self-hating pickmeishas will hate you and make your life miserable. In my case I attracted two of these guys without knowing their reputation and the person…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 03:43 PM
26

This is my story but add a decade. He wanted me to chase him, I'd honor his wish to be casual by ignoring him, he would ride it out a bit but then freak out and come back, do something charming, and then it was just another ride on the merry-go-round. And you totally nailed it - it is EXHAUSTING. It's like how could this non-relationship be so much work?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 01:58 AM
6

Oh my god that's terrifying. I'm so glad that you are ok.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/20 03:29 AM
1

I am the same! Really this is why I avoided yoga for years, and now that I am doing it I could never just do yoga - I like to be out there biking, hiking, etc. But I think you can even get the benefits from the shorter 10 minute videos. I also had to teach myself to sit still.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/20 12:15 PM
7

I was like that before but I did a 30 days of Yoga with Adriene on YouTube. She's chill and has a massive following. I would have never believed this would have worked - I already run, meditate, eat healthy, etc. but after 30 days I was changed, and the change was dramatic. Try to pick something up again, you are worth it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/20 11:00 PM
18

I started doing yoga this summer because of this book and it has been life-changing. If you suffer from trauma, you know how easy it can be for one thing to set you off because it's not just that one thing, it's that one thing on top of that big pile of things that already had you on edge. I learned how yoga is being used to deal with trauma, and it has had an incredible effect on modulating my emotions, particularly emotional reactions to men. I highly recommend both this book and yoga as part …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/20 07:01 PM
7

I am somewhat in denial that a good friend of mine is an LVM because of frequent comments about wanting to party once he gets through whatever project he's working on. I have pretended in the past that his "I like to party" statements may be a mistranslation - English is not his first language - but reading your story puts it all out there in black and white. I should also add that he's in his late 30s. There's a cut-off age for this "partying" right?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/20 04:30 PM
14

I literally spit out my drink when I read the part about Isis and Osiris. Dying.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/20 03:30 AM
2

that is so sweet. thank you :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/09/20 01:15 AM
4

"There is so much of you now. You fill oceans with yourself" is beautiful and made me tear up. I'm having a rough week but I know this is true, so nice to be reminded of it. Congratulations on all the hard and honest work that you've done to get where you are now. Inspirational.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/20 07:05 PM
6

Do you know how many THOUSANDS of women fought for these stupid posters' right to vote over a 70 year period? And then after that since Native Americans weren't even citizens until 1924 and let's not forget that the bulk of work that was done in the Civil Rights movement in the 60s with regard to the vote was by women! Women were beaten, stalked, imprisoned, force-fed, and some even died of exhaustion in the tireless campaigns for the vote. I just don't even understand this mentality. It's such …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 10:09 PM
7

No tough love - she IS being a pick me. She's competing with this girl in her mind, and it's super unhealthy. I totally agree with everything else you're saying. This sounds performative. Also I've known men who are great to me, helped me professionally and are absolutely horrible to their wives. It's so hard to reconcile that they can be BOTH those things, it really screws with your mind. It doesn't signal that they have the potential to be HVM, actually it's just the opposite, contrary behavio…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 12:37 AM
7

Oh THIS bullshit. LMV enjoys having the wife appliance to cook and do chores while he hangs out with his "bestie". The "bestie" is so pathetic that she revels in being chosen over the wife, doesn't understand that she's being used too, and is literally putting her life on hold to be in a pseudo-relationship with this clown. Wife is probably the classic "cool girl" who would never restrict her husband from hanging out with this woman one-on-one all hours of the day and night. No. No. No. All thre…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/20 06:47 PM
20

Thank you! Fixed. Was inspired to post this after my 35 year old (male) colleague slept through our 2pm work meeting yesterday.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/20 09:33 PM
1

Stealing it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/09/20 09:12 PM
3

Yes thank you!!! It's love-bombing! And exactly when you're experiencing it you think "oh my god, this is THE ONE" I mean isn't this what the movies tell us how love is supposed to be? That these grand gestures mean love? When in reality, real love is quiet, it is steady, it is consistent. A lot of women, including me, mistake that for boring. Not anymore. In the handbook it talks about your heart being on lockdown. Feelings are not facts. Lean WAY back and vet, vet, and vet some more.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/09/20 12:20 PM
109

I love this! What a great visual image. Plus the thought of my own LVM tumbling from the sky made me laugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/09/20 12:07 PM
4

Thank you! I've had men who turned out to be sociopaths throw me beautiful picnics, fill a room with hundreds of tea candles, whisk me off to foreign locations - none of those things meant crap! If anything these posts are triggering because these grand gestures are usually followed by some absolutely awful behavior. If they're capable of one extreme, they are capable of the other.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/09/20 07:04 PM
33

This. This comment is everything. Until men have the experience of literally feeling terrorized by women for merely existing, they should sit down and shut up. The most powerful lessons of FDS to me are 1) stop putting men at the center of your life and 2) stop seeing other women as the enemy. If we collective stood and up raised our voices, just imagine the force of change we would be in the world. That's what they're scared of. They're scared of the day that women who adhere to FDS principles …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/09/20 03:35 PM
8

oh my god, so gross, yet so true.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 08:31 PM
27

wait...and you're also risking catching COVID for this jackass? Girl no. Read the handbook.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 06:16 PM
2

That sounds awesome. You should definitely post them here sometime!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/20 12:36 AM
4

Your art series on inspiring women sounds amazing! Who are your working on first?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 11:29 PM
6

As you get healthier you will make healthier choices, and you will be less and less attracted to these types. You are clearly moving in the right direction. Think of yourself as being on an upward spiral. I also had a mentally ill parent and made similar choices - initially you choose what seems the most familiar to you, even if what is most familiar is the most damaging. But you get healthier and you see the patterns for what they are. Be gentle with yourself, and keep looking forward.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/20 05:22 PM
13

This is amazing! I teach history through material culture and this going right into my lecture. (The 1971 version of battleship just has a boy and a girl playing the game - not surprising as it's the era of Ms. Magazine and gearing up for the fight over ERA).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/09/20 04:07 PM
10

That's right, sis. Preach!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 01:17 PM
24

This is totally NOT petty! You do not need to apologize for wanting to be addressed properly. I would correct each and every time making sure that you are known as Ms. Like others in this thread, I have a doctorate and insist on being referred to as "Dr." in a professional setting. You would not believe how many male students attempt to address me as Miss or Mrs. I shut that right down on the spot (oh, and incidentally, all my female students refer to me as Dr. Never had a problem with them).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/09/20 01:12 PM
6

I'm sorry, I know it's terrible, you don't deserve this, but the way your wrote this up is funny as hell. "Twin flames" "Bowl that makes a sound." Dying.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/09/20 02:53 AM
5

This made me spit out my coffee. Good one.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/09/20 03:14 PM
2

Academia. It's fairly typical no matter where you are.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/09/20 12:30 PM
10

I think our culture sends a message to women that going after money makes them less feminine, or portrays women who have money as vapid and self-absorbed. Money though, is power. Even if you were raised to feel uncomfortable about money - I know I was - money protects yourself and allows you to help others (think Bill and Melinda Gates paying for millions of life-saving vaccines.) It's a mindset shift. But this part is just, wow: "I think that women are dispossessed of a place to live that is sa…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/08/20 01:06 PM
47

You can tell by the projects he chose that representation was important to him. I'm thinking back to when Black Panther came out, I wanted to take my son and his friend to see the movie, but his family wanted their son to go to the movie together because this representation meant so much. What an honorable and inspiring man. A good reminder to not waste time and focus on projects that we're passionate about because it's those projects that will make a difference in the end.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 08:29 PM
17

Also, there are a shocking number of women who are behind bars for defending themselves against abusers. Somehow "stand your ground" doesn't pertain to victims of domestic abuse.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 03:16 PM
10

I find it really telling that October is both National Domestic Violence Awareness Month AND Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Taking nothing away from breast cancer awareness - when did you ever see a sports team acknowledge the former and not the latter? Why in October are we bombarded with pink ribbons, walk-a-thons etc. and domestic violence gets crickets? I would say it's because violence against women is pervasive and ubiquitous. We have to raise our voices and make this an issue. I want to s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/20 03:14 PM
6

Absolutely! Perfectly stated.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 04:08 PM
9

I feel this. I used to be too nice and then when I woke up and realized how much I was being taken advantage of it swung to the opposite polarity, where when I was enforcing a boundary I'd come off as a mega bitch. I feel like things have evened out a bit. Now I'm all about the kind no, and if that doesn't work, stone-cold silence.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/20 02:09 PM
101

Are you me? I literally just wrote this in my journal this morning. In June, I decided to take a month off from communicating with all men and instead used that time to study (I'm an academic) and work on my own projects. In July, I started to get sucked back into all kinds of nonsense with a coworker under the guise of work. By August I was backsliding into seeking this coworker's approval. I don't know where you are but I am in the US and made a pact with my best girlfriend this morning that w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/20 04:07 PM
6

Every man I've known who has expressed this opinion has turned out to be abusive. I'm sure some are just lazy, but for others it's a form of control, and really falls along a spectrum of men feeing that they have some kind of right to tell women what to do with their own bodies.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/20 02:03 PM
8

dying.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/08/20 08:58 PM
2

Yes! My friends and I always talk about how the true love story on the show was between Fleabag and her sister Claire.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/08/20 05:08 AM
70

This is fantastic. I've only been here since May, and I went from crying every night over a fuckboy to excited about a life that is now centered around me. As women we are so trained to be outward directed that we forget that there is a whole world within us to explore. And I'm heading to the beach in a bit so I will imagine running into the arms of my fabulous self.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/20 01:03 PM
25

I think this is also very common in people who have a very giving nature. What FDS has taught me is that I can and should pour this kindness first and foremost into myself, and then I can figure out how to channel that giving spirit in other ways. FDS made me step back and ask myself "Am I being this kind to other people in my life who really deserve it?" When the answer was no, I knew it was time to make a shift.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/20 12:52 PM
2

Missed your comment - I listed my grievances with Gauguin below. Blech.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/08/20 03:39 PM
6

One of Picasso's earliest influences in both art and life was Paul Gauguin, who "grew bored" of his wife and five children in the 1880s and abandoned them, leaving them in poverty; ran off to French Polynesia and had numerous gross relationships with underaged women, which resulted in unwanted pregnancies and sexual diseases; and had a 14 year old "girlfriend" right before his death at age 54.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/08/20 03:25 PM
4

Dali was kicked out of the Surrealist group for being a Nazi sympathizer and he was cruel to animals. Not sure about his love life...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/08/20 03:12 PM
1

omg. triggered. this. every. time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/08/20 03:03 PM
9

If anything, lockdown has given me plenty of time to think about how men are repulsive and I may never date again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/08/20 05:36 PM
3

I love doing things by myself and before COVID I would go to a museum every week and either treat myself to a nice lunch or a glass of wine. Now that the museums here are closed, I've shifted to outdoor activities, mainly, researching and going on all the hikes in my home state, bringing a picnic lunch with me, and enjoying the views.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 09:33 PM
1

Congratulations on all your success, you've earned it! I married someone like this. In my case I was playing out a dynamic that had existed between me and a parent, who also did everything they could to block me and tear me down. I was conditioned to think that proving myself in exchange for love is normal, but it's not. I would suspect a similar dynamic is playing out with you. You may pick up with this guy exactly at the moment when other things in your life are working out and you feel calm, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 07:25 PM
2

Where I work? Yes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 06:56 PM
1

Whoa. I signed in just to respond to this. As a domestic violence survivor, all the alarms went off when I read your post. The man pulled out a gun near your face and fired it into the air. He gets off on bullying you and scaring you. THIS IS NOT A FRIEND. This is your worst enemy and you should put all the distance between you and him. Let him become someone else's nightmare. I am not trying to frighten you, but he sounds irrational and dangerous. Love yourself. You didn't do anything to deserv…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/08/20 06:53 PM
7

This post is lovely. I'm having one of those weeks where I've been worn all the way down by boomerang LVM creeping into my inbox, acting all fake nice, and wreaking havoc on my emotions - as you excellently put it, demonstrating the "sinister thirst of the LVM." It's nice to know that there is this one rare HVM giving compliments to women he doesn't know in a respectful and classy way without expecting anything in return.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 11:51 PM
9

Same!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/07/20 11:43 AM
3

So much this. I used to get upset when what I perceived were smart guys passed me over for dumb pickmeishas. Now I realize that there's something dumb about them that attracts them to these women and it instantly kills my attraction. No more agonizing, because they cease to be on my plane of existence.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/20 12:27 PM
26

No. I’ve read several gross stories about men who are cheating on their wives during quarantine, thereby putting them, their children, and any other family members that may live with them (grandparents) at risk. If a worldwide pandemic won’t change their behavior, nothing will.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 08:58 PM
35

The amazing Nat Lue talks about this over at Baggage Reclaim. She calls it pressing the reset button. They always come back, but never want to address any of the problems that led to the break up in the first place. Instead they want to press the reset button and go back to the time before all their fuckery ensued. Classic LVM/fuckboy behavior. I’ve taken too many rides on that merry go round.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/07/20 07:51 PM
21

Exactly. You make time for what’s important to you. It’s really that simple.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/20 12:31 PM
6

Sorry, it is totally gross, but I have to put it in stark terms because often these guys are smart, witty, attractive, accomplished, etc. but I have to remind myself that this attitude is an immediate disqualifier. FDS has really opened my eyes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 03:51 PM
18

Academic here. What I’ve realized about my male colleagues is that almost all of them have a bit of a Pygmalion complex where they really get off on molding and shaping young minds, particularly young women’s minds, and take credit for it when these young women succeed. They have absolutely no idea what to do with a true intellectual equal, which is why they’re always pursuing the department secretaries and library assistants 10 or more years their junior.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 01:16 PM
3

Thank you! I even made a little drawing of it with me as a stick figure on top of a pedestal. Simple and a bit silly but I’m a visual person and it works for me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 12:44 PM
4

“So what? I’ve had good times with a margarita.“ 😂😂😂 This spoke to me. Excellent strategy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/20 12:41 PM
20

Another thing to watch out for is that while you may have the discipline to not text the snappy comeback, you may still be entertaining these thoughts in your head - which is still a kind of engagement. That’s why blocking and deleting is so important - out of sight, out of mind.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/07/20 03:08 PM
13

I love your post so much. I’m finding this to be true as well. At first I was saddened because I realized how much I had let people take advantage of my kindness and generosity, but without all these users in my life I can shift that kindness and generosity to me. Once I chose to put myself on the pedestal I liked the view just fine; LV men and women may still try to reach me but I won’t look down.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/20 07:18 PM
3

So happy for you! What an awesome story. The part that really resonated with me is how you said you feel so much calmer. I cut someone out of my life recently but today I had to be in contact with this person for professional reasons. Just one email exchange sent my anxiety sky high. It’s so much better to leave these LVM behind and live a calm and independent life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/06/20 03:05 AM
23

Thank you for posting this. Today I let someone back into my life and as the day wore on I began to get all those same queasy feelings that I used to get wondering about this guy’s true motivations. I consider your post a sign from the universe that this is stress I don’t need.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/06/20 02:48 AM
7

I feel devastated. Not only has FDS changed my life personally, but I was so excited to talk about FDS this Fall in my Women’s History course as a kind of digital update to the consciousness raising of the 1970s. It was something uplifting and empowering in this dark time. FDS has made me even more committed to mentoring and empowering young women. Whatever happens we will carry on its message.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/06/20 02:18 AM
7

Excellent. Bookmarking for future use.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/20 03:51 AM
2

His little like made me spit out my coffee. It’s such pathetic behavior. Good one.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/06/20 01:18 PM
10

Dump him. This kind of comparison game will eat you alive. Seconding what another person said - this has zero to do with you and is all about his inability or unwillingness to control his base urges. And who knows, if he didn’t use social media he would be the type to gawk or chase after these women in person.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/06/20 01:25 AM
24

This looks amazing. The Smithsonian is killing it with women's history exhibits. (Sadly the concept of "all work no pay" hasn't been relegated to the dustbin of history.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/20 12:13 AM
17

I'll give him credit, men will always find a way to make it all about them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/20 03:48 PM
2

I love these! I really like the naturalist rendering of the animals set against the geometric patterns.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/20 01:57 AM
18

Yes! This is so great. Awhile back I read a solid piece of advice that said "in order to get over this thing that happened in your past, you have to become a different person than the one it happened to." At the time I was going through an incredibly embarrassing situation with someone at my workplace who was actively courting me but turned out to be married (I was new, different departments, it turns out that he would take off his wedding ring when he came to see me). The only thing that kept m…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/20 05:34 PM
80

I think this point is huge. I feel like time is women's most precious commodity and we have to be ever vigilant in guarding it. I've also called out male colleagues who have taken advantage of my time. In one case, a colleague asked me to advise him on a grant proposal, and when I showed up, it turns out that he hadn't even bothered to read the guidelines. I literally stood up from the conference table, said "you're wasting my time", and abruptly left. I didn't talk to him for a month. There's a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/20 04:07 PM
19

This is brutal. I like it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/20 03:25 PM
8

But the funny thing is it never works the other way. You can be sure they're itemizing all their things and asking for immediate restitution when you drink that can of soda in the fridge.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/20 11:53 AM
3

Yes, but as this was one of many incidents I developed the habit of locking my delicious chocolates in the filing cabinet of my home office.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/20 11:51 AM
30

I once got into a minor accident in the parking lot of a children's museum (no real damage as we were going 5mph tops). The woman who hit my car felt so badly that she came over to my house and gifted me with the largest assortment of delicious chocolates that I had ever seen. Two days later I went to have the first of the chocolates...and the entire stash was gone. My boyfriend had eaten all of them. When I justifiably got angry, he then "replaced" the chocolates with a Hershey's bar (you can't…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/20 10:45 PM
7

Seconding (or thirding?) childhood trauma. I grew up with a very cold and distant mother who always made me work for any kind of attention or affection. My father, although kind, was cycling through periods of depression at a time when depression was a dirty secret and he was in no condition to step in. For most of my life I tried to fill this hole in my heart which I thought could only be filled by love. Multiple degrees, success at work..nothing mattered. That led me into some really ugly and …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/20 09:44 PM
6

When I think about all the wasted hours that I've spent ruminating, obsessing, and journaling about this behavior....it's infuriating. What's so empowering about FDS is that it cuts through all that. Anytime I find myself going into one of these spirals, I realize that I can come here for reinforcement. Time to spend all this time and energy leveling up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/20 09:12 PM
5

I want to thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it's because, unlike this jerk, you are a human being with feelings. You wobbled a bit, but you quickly recognized that he was playing you and now you can move on. I will tell you that in telling your story, you have prevented me and probably others from doing the same. Sisterhood.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/06/20 12:32 AM
10

THIS!!! If they're so out of control, why are they so careful not to break their own shit? It's the same thing with verbal abuse. Are they able to control their anger around their boss and not call them horrible and degrading names? Yeah, I thought so.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/20 10:07 PM
15

Yes! How many times is it left up to the woman to "smooth things over" after a fight, when the fight originated from something careless or disrespectful the man has done? I'm currently in a two week standoff with a male friend whose feelings were hurt when I pointed out certain behaviors that I felt were disrespectful. I know he is just waiting for me to reach out and make things better. Nothing gets better when things are swept under the rug. Men in our society need to put on the big boy pants …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/20 01:01 PM
23

Maybe I'm in a somber mood because of the current state of the world, but this really makes me depressed that women have been conditioned to expect so little. How did we get here?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 03:46 PM
27

Didn't you get the memo that men are experts in all things?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 01:20 PM
4

Oh no :) I think we're all just cautioning because no one wants you to feel like you have to turn yourself into something that you are not. I related a story where I acted "soft and feminine" as a kind of joke and it was eye-opening in that a certain kind of guy became interested in me when previously he had been turned off by my passion for work or accomplishments, I'm sure you are absolutely awesome in your own right. Connect to what makes you, you, and you will shine.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/20 01:17 AM
13

Love this response. I'm also hoping that the advice seeker is simply looking for a bit of confidence, and not buying into the "be soft and receptive so you don't scare men away" message that seems to be floating around the internet. The only men you're going to scare away by following that BS are LVM, in which case, good riddance!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 11:31 PM
16

Look, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is coming from a place of concern, but a few things. One, I don't know what country you live in, but if you live in the US, there is practically no support for working moms, so it can definitely be tempting to take yourself out of the workforce for a few years. Second, as every study has shown, working moms still take on the bulk of the childcare and the housework - hence the term "second shift". Third, many women take men at their w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/20 03:41 PM
30

It's unreal.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 03:49 PM
51

It's totally passive-aggressive on the part of the husband. Of course he knows the right thing to do, but his wife dared to take 5 whole hours of me time so now he's going to punish her. He's training her not to ask for me time again, and it will work. This is abuse all around.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 01:58 PM
87

And it's absolutely possible for them to pull a bait and switch. One of the reasons I fell for my now ex-husband is that he once tearfully told me how his father would treat his mother like a servant and blamed him for the cause of her early death. By contrast, my ex cooked, cleaned, and was a model boyfriend - until he had me hooked. By the end he would literally step over piles of trash that I had set out near the door for him to take outside. I feel like there's no winning with this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 01:52 PM
32

I'm glad you're pointing this out because I was completely baffled by this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/20 12:38 AM
9

This. Someone here linked to a Ted talk that suggested something similar - make a list of all this dude's unattractive qualities, all the crappy things he did, etc. and keep it on your phone. Anytime you feel tempted to contact him, start spiraling into sadness, feel you're not good enough, bring up that list and read through all the reasons he's not good enough for you. I'm going through something similar right now and this and FDS have really, really helped.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/05/20 03:52 PM
26

I call BS. Instead of taking on a man as a project, get a real hobby.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/05/20 03:39 PM
14

I think it's easy to personalize these things, but the fact of the matter is, if someone doesn't have the emotional maturity to have the hard conversations, then they don't have the emotional maturity to date, period. The defect lies with them. Once you get cold and logical about it, it's easier to move on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/20 02:48 PM
24

They can't change unless they realize that what's broken is inside them. You could be the the best woman, have everything going for you, etc., but it's not enough - they are bottomless pits that will never be filled up. You are lucky to get away from him, because so many times, we mistake their toxic behavior as being a reflection of something that's wrong with us instead of them. And as others have rightly pointed out, there's always going to be a woman who sees this kind of guy as a challenge …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/20 02:22 PM
3

This.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/20 12:15 PM
5

He turned out to be a huge womanizer, so yeah.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/05/20 12:55 AM
2

Just wanted to add to the chorus that you're doing awesome.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 06:44 PM
21

I mentioned this in a thread yesterday, but I insist on people using my title. I used to be a little more causal about it, until last year when I was working with a male colleague and he told me "you know you probably shouldn't use your title on this flyer as other people are sensitive about titles." By other people, he was clearly referring to other male colleagues who did not have the same title. This struck me as so outrageous - why should I have to downplay MY accomplishments to protect some…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 06:31 PM
12

This a thousand percent. If you do this, do not be surprised if he interprets this as "interest" on your part. Ask me how I know.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/05/20 06:21 PM
26

Also a Dr. I tell my students on the first day of class every semester that I respond to "Dr." and "Dr." and then go on to say "I hope that if you worked hard to earn 3 degrees, you too would insist on being referred to as 'Dr.'" Sets the tone for the rest of the semester. Like hell I'd give up my name.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/20 12:55 PM
19

I agree. I feel like these are becoming creative writing exercises as each new AITA is more ridiculous than the one before.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/20 12:09 AM
10

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I've experienced a version of this at every job I've ever held. At least you know you're not alone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/05/20 03:44 PM
19

The horror that she's making decisions about her own hair. Get out of here! Are these AITA for real?!?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/05/20 02:33 PM
29

I also see this in the workplace. There are a lot of strong competent women in senior positions who will turn into total pickmeishas when it comes to seeking the attention or validation of an attractive male colleague. I used to be part of the problem in that I would secretly judge and make fun of these women. Instead, now that I found FDS, I realize it's more important than ever to support and empower other women. We have to raise each other up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/05/20 02:29 PM
12

This is nauseating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/20 03:01 PM
6

Exactly!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/20 06:28 PM
87

Mine as well. I actually did an experiment after I read this study. One week I went out with someone whom I had known for a while and was a good intellectual match for me, talked about my research interests and accomplishments, and the more I talked the more of a friend vibe I got back from him. The next week, I decided to act "soft and receptive", not talk about my work at all, and just sat there and listened to him all doe-eyed. He literally said "I love it when you're like this" and was super…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/20 04:18 PM
77

I read this article earlier this year and went down the rabbit hole researching it. There was an interesting study conducted in 2015 that concluded that men like smart women in the abstract, but when faced with actually meeting a smart woman in person, their attraction to smart women decreased: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/navigating-the-love-gap/201802/do-men-want-date-intelligent-women. I've also noticed in my own area (academia) most male academics tend to have stay at home wives.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/20 04:03 PM
3

I needed to hear this today. I'm right at that place, but your words have given me the resolve to do the right thing and walk away. Thank you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/20 03:20 PM
35

I'm sorry about your cat. What a jerk.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/05/20 02:48 AM
16

I'm the mother of son. I am not a perfect parent by any means (I have my ups and downs like everyone else) but you can be sure that my son will know how to cook and clean and carry his weight in a relationship in terms of physical and emotional labor. I think it's also incredibly important for him to see that his mother has a career, is striving to meet goals, and cannot always be available to solve any problem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/20 05:30 PM
17

One of the most satisfying conclusions you can reach in life is that it's not you, it's him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/20 01:24 PM
2

I want to say that we see you and we hear you and you have worth. I once read something that really resonated with me: "You have your back better than any lover ever could." Being dependent on others for validation can put you at the mercy of abusers. (Ask me how I know.) You can be soft on the outside, but you need to develop that iron core in the center. I firmly believe that we raise our self-esteem only through actions. Try to do one thing everyday to make yourself proud.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/20 05:50 PM
15

Oftentimes it gives them cover. The self-proclaimed "feminist" professor on my campus, who even went so far as hyphenate his last name, has cultivated an impressive harem of women among faculty and staff who do all kinds of favors for him. I'm now beginning to believe that our "close friendship" was just another means of him masking the truth.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/20 02:34 PM
3

We don't know him but I bike/rock climb in the wilderness and only have my phone on me in case of emergencies. It's nice not to be tied to your phone. He sounds pretty balanced?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/20 12:10 AM
35

Sis, you are winning the game of life. Dump this loser.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/20 11:03 PM
25

"old sacks of nothing" - pure poetry.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/20 07:04 PM
4

That's why how a man treats his mother is not always an indicator of how he'll treat you. Plus do they have one of those weird co-dependent relationships? Like does he live at home to save money but his mother is still picking up underwear for him at the store when he's 25? (side-eye....)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/20 06:43 PM
43

My friend dated Elon Musk's roommate at Penn. Elon was the weird creepy tag-a-long to every party. No one wanted to date Elon.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/20 04:32 PM
6

I have a doctorate and an intellectual connection is important to me. But guess what? The guys with the law degrees, PhDs, etc. don't want an intellectual equal. They want the secretary, the stay at home housewife, etc., because those women will organize their lives around the men's career. They can live their "life of the mind" while someone else is taking care of washing the dishes, cleaning up the kids puke, etc. I dated one guy who told me is ex-wife would make his doctor and dentist appoint…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/20 01:52 PM
18

Also there are men who treat some women in their lives like queens, just not their girlfriends/wives, and sadly there are also women who get off on that dynamic (but he treats ME so well). No, he's still garbage.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/20 08:52 PM
2

Thank you. Obviously I would rather have my friend back, but the “gift” of this pandemic is that it is bringing clarity to so many of us about what is and what is not important. I’m so glad we found this amazing community!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/20 01:29 PM
7

When you get older they just become married men who wanted to befriend you, aka use you to cheat on their wives. Bonus points when you reject them and come to find out they're already having an affair with another colleague on their lunch hour (where do people find the time?!?)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/05/20 12:39 AM
13

My friend died of Covid. He was an excellent person, the very definition of a HVM, adored his wife and was a true equal partner to her, he was a thoughtful and caring friend, and contributed in meaningful ways to his community. The overwhelming outpouring of love at his memorial service just confirmed what I already knew to be true. His death was shocking, to say the least, and has left a huge hole in my life and the lives of so many people. It was also a huge wake-up call that our time is finit…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/05/20 03:26 PM
11

I agree with all of this advice. The focus has to be on what YOU want, not what HE wants. I spent the last two months lamenting the fact that my colleague, a fellow academic who I thought was perfect for me in every way and who I and everyone else thought was crazy about me, professed his love for his department secretary. It is so hard not to get lost in the comparison game - she's younger and cuter, etc. - but at the end of the day, if this is what he wants, then he's not for me. He has to liv…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/20 02:18 PM
1

Oddly enough I'm a women's historian but that hasn't made me immune to all the bs that is out there when it comes to dating!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 07:42 PM
2

Admittedly this is a fun story, but yes there were some questionable alliances between certain factions of the suffrage movement and white southerners to get this amendment passed at any cost. But don't forget the importance of all the women who were imprisoned, beaten, and force-fed for daring to protest outside Wilson's White House demanding the right to vote. Public outrage over their treatment turned the tide and resulted in the amendment passing in both houses, which then was sent to the st…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/20 07:11 PM
12

Exactly! And it starts young. My father would tell me over and over again "don't get a big head" when I would celebrate my academic accomplishments. Now I have a PhD and still wonder if I'm good enough. No more.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/20 06:35 PM
9

This happened to me a few months ago, with the added bonus of the guy saying to me right after we had sex, "I want to ask your advice about the girl I'm in love with" and I was like "who?!?" And then I said "what about me?" And his response was "we're friends! you're just like a sister to me." Boy bye!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/20 01:53 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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