How to avoid falling back into old pickmeisha habits?

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-07-13T16:40:32+00:00

Never stop reading FDS, reading about abusive men, rereading posts that impact you, listening to the podcast, etc. Apathy is what will cause you to fall back into habit, and the more consciously aware you are the better prepared you are.

carmen_sandiegos_hat · 2021-07-13T16:49:03+00:00

A HVW told me to repeat to myself that "I'm not a towel."

This means: I don't clean up other's messes, I will not be 'used' by men, I'm not trying to hide/coverup anything for other people, and more.

What I am though is a human being with my own thoughts and emotions. If I ever catch myself slipping into my old ways, I remember this. Maybe it could help you :) You got it!

proudpine · 2021-07-13T16:50:57+00:00

Advice from an “old” married lady: Remember to uphold your boundaries and standards - no matter what his explanation/sob story is, no matter how good the sex is, no matter how much your friends like him or how much you’ve already invested in the relationship. If you remember that he is not special and does not deserve exemption from your boundaries and standards you will be fine.

arnezuara · 2021-07-13T16:41:55+00:00

It’s a blessing you found FDS so early on. Don’t waste your college years on dating men — it’s not worth the time, effort, or pain.

Your friends don’t see themselves whole and secure outside of romantic relationships. They don’t take the necessary time to properly reflect, heal, and learn their lessons. That’s why they fall back into their old habits. Re-think your friendship with them. They’ll drag you down.

Your best course of action at the moment is to do the inner work of growing to be more confident, secure, and firm with your boundaries. I suggest you look into therapy/counseling services that your college may offer — it’s usually cheaper also.

keep_my_stuff · 2021-07-13T16:57:09+00:00

One thing that has helped me break patterns is being mindful of the triggers. Pickmeisha-ism comes out when I'm anxious that somebody is going to leave me or when I feel upstaged/underappreciated. Run-of-the-mill fear of abandonment. What can give me hope is when I manage to act in a calm way without pickmeisha behavior with friends and at work, under stressful situations. On the flipside, when I see myself overreaching, overcompensating, forgetting the golden rules if-they-wanted-do-they-would and always-mirror-their-energy, it is a reality check that I still have work to do.

More_Pothos · 2021-07-13T16:54:01+00:00

Honestly, I’d wait longer before starting to date again. I’d wait until you feel so comfortable, confident, and happy while single that you don’t have these worries because you just know that you’d prefer breaking up and being single than ever accepting that horrible treatment again.

sadgirlji · 2021-07-13T17:17:13+00:00

Recent college grad with a few tips here:

Ditch the dating apps. I know that’s a general FDS principle but once you get on campus it will seem like every one is using them and you may feel pressured. Don’t do it.
Remind yourself that yourself that your primary focus is learning, growing, and getting that degree. Everything else is secondary and dating (or more specifically being in a relationship) is last on the list.
Just because your friends accept something in their relationship or situationship, doesn’t mean you should and if they try to standard-shame you, drop them.
Get comfortable doing things by yourself. Sometimes your friends may want to go to the 4th frat party of the week but you want to go see a movie or some other thing happening on campus. Don’t call up that LVM from bio class so you don’t have to go alone. Try it out and you may make some new friends or enjoy some quality time with yourself.
Don’t get too attached with anyone from your hometown to where you forget to meet new people. Broaden your horizons.

glendoraza · 2021-07-13T16:36:31+00:00

I definitely do have the concern here and there but working on my confidence has made the biggest difference.

I did therapy, I go to the gym and go biking on a schedule, so taking great care of both my mental/emotional and physical health.

lilac-hiraeth · 2021-07-13T17:04:37+00:00

What’s the long term benefit of putting up with poor behaviour? There aren’t any. Don’t set yourself up for cheating, addictions, abuse, indifference by allowing a man, any access to your time or effort when he doesn’t treat you right. Be prepared to be your primary partner for life, because you are.

fireforestfairy · 2021-07-13T17:17:42+00:00

Remind yourself that most men are shit. Don't worry, the more LVM you come across the more you'll agree with this.

nanofarm · 2021-07-13T17:38:18+00:00

Honestly, I doom scroll breaking mom and relationship advice with a very critical eye and run everything through an FDS filter and use that to reinforce by internal boundaries. It’s like that old driver safety video “blood in the highway” but for men

orange-flower2441 · 2021-07-13T22:27:42+00:00

Never date in times of transition or instability. Go to therapy and put a one-year no dating rule for yourself.

Freshman year was awful. Ambulances were always going around campus for drunk students. None of those men are going to lock it down or be good in bed. Focus on making friends, building a fulfilling social life (apart from drinking), and establishing your 4-year plan for your career (internships, extracurriculars, etc). You'll have a better chance of being confident and meeting a HVM once you are settled (especially with the right friends).

Platipus6 · 2021-07-14T02:24:09+00:00

Put any man you're dating on a 24h clock.

Every night ask yourself

based on how he behaved today, do I want to see him again tomorrow?
if we broke up right now, would my life be better or worse?
he said/did bad thing to me today, is that something I would have done to someone I love?
I treated him well today, has he done the same for me?
Do I feel loved, respected, heard, considered and cared for?
Did he violate any normal boundaries today? Did he violate any boundary I've clearly stated in the past?
Did he consider my well-being, comfort and needs when making a decision today?
Do I wish he'd change into a completely different person so our relationship can be good for me?
Am I craving more of what he's been giving me, or am I craving good treatment he's been withholding?
Am I auditioning for wife, giving him benefits above what our relationship status is, trying to earn his love/affection, pre-paying my way into a relationship, am I competing or doing the pickme dance?
Is he acting as if he likes me?
Do I even like him? Is he in alignment with my own values and goals? Is he a good person?

This will help you avoid sunk cost fallacy, future faking yourself, projecting good traits onto him, giving him the benefit of the doubt, or be blinded by his 'potential'. You'll see his behaviour objectively and permit yourself to break up with him immediately instead of training a grown man to be a decent boyfriend. Either he is or he isn't.

Valeria_Venn · 2021-07-13T19:55:06+00:00

Consistently keep on reading FDS stuff or FDS-like stuff. I personnaly do a re-read of the handbook every 2-3 months or so, and browse FDS every week when I can.

Write down your own personal standards for yourself (like "don't accept coffee dates, don't accept going 50-50 for romantic dates, don't accept to keep red-flaggy people around" and so on), read them from time to time, add some more if need be. Write standards for your own entourage ("I don't tolerate lying, I don't tolerate people that keep reporting to later activities, etc").

Do not dismiss the influence of Pickme friends or entourage around you. They might encourage and egg you on to accept going pickme for scrotties.

Do not allow shitty men to stay around you, only allow HV people (as much as you reasonably can, the goal is exclusively HV people around you).

Seek out rolemodels for HVness in life, career and/or dating. Read up about them, point out the things you like less about them, and why.

Rare_Awareness · 2021-07-13T21:30:57+00:00

The book “Why Men Love Bitches” has some helpful insights and is a good start

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2021-07-13T21:47:38+00:00

If you're moving for college, you should focus on that. Dating will just be a distraction and take time away that you'll likely regret not using on your education.

msromperstomper · 2021-07-14T00:04:01+00:00

I think it's good to know what your weaknesses are. For example, I have a thing for handsome foreigners, so much so that it is comical at this point. Your thing might be guys who write poetry, or are invested in a particular hobby. Regardless, you have to make sure that your superficial preferences don't blind you to what really counts - trust, honesty, and respect. I've dated many handsome foreigners but my best relationship was with an accountant from rural Virginia - he was a man of impeccable character, treated me like a queen, and had tremendous respect for women.

ponchoacademy · 2021-07-14T00:16:39+00:00

The difference is being aware of what are the negative behaviors to be able to actively avoid them, and not realizing you are in a pattern and continuing in that pattern hoping this time will be different.

Dont compare yourself to your friends. Unlike them, you are actively educating yourself and putting yourself in a position to learn and grow from your experiences.

Throwawaylikehay · 2022-07-23T06:34:37+00:00

Focus on your level up journey. RELENTLESSLY!

Read books that will grow your abundance mindset.
Delve in your passions.
Pin mood boards.
Take full body selfies of yourself in outfits you adore.
Try out new hairstyles.
Get your nails done.
Be comfortable in YOUR skin.
Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies!

Title	How to avoid falling back into old pickmeisha habits?
Author	lizzyvsews
Upvotes	81
Comments	27
Date	July 12, 2021 11:41 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/oj3fu4/how_to_avoid_falling_back_into_old_pickmeisha/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-avoid-falling-back-into-old-pickmeisha.790913 https://theredarchive.com/post/790913

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