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trowaway63022 Archive

View 6 posts and 81 comments by trowaway63022 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

4 years out all my communication is via text only on days the kids are to be exchanged.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 02:36 PM
1

50/50 for those retirement accounts Don’t let that squeaky wheel get the oil. Does this have go to a judge? Mine was all done through back and forth letters
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 05:23 PM
2

NJ here married just under 19 years. My alimony is 11 and that was adding one from ten in exchange for a lower home buy out Lawyers will say shit to confuse and anger you.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 05:14 PM
1

I am. Went through it like 4 years ago
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 10:19 AM
2

I broke up with someone a couple years ago on the other side of a similar dynamic. I was growing to resent a few things. First the kids father came in and out as he pleased, often purposely interfering our plans by not taking his kid when he was supposed to. Kids grew anxiety and anger in part of this. So my time was becoming more about this kid than anything else. On top of it more was expected of me than the father but I also didn’t have input into parenting. I’ve raised my own two kids, it wa…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 06:17 PM
2

Dm me if you need. I’m not perfect but I’m definitely in a much better place overall as the year is ending
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 01:01 AM
5

Absolutely. She was wonderful. I felt wanted, had fun, and there was healthy communication. There were things that emerged that lead to that ending, but I look at it is a positive experience. Not a rebound. Strongly suggest therapy if you aren’t already. That helped me tremendously too. Through that I could see clearer how I was treated in my marriage. Even now as I’ve dated more, I still struggle with feeling wanted. Like I don’t believe it, even when it’s starting at me in the face. That highl…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 12:56 PM
3

I’m at about 2 years and my last big setback was August. Having a little holiday related twing this week, but it’s minor. But outside that, this fall I felt the work put in clicked more. Volunteer work, social life, hobbies. Also broke with my first girlfriend post-divorce, wonderful person but the time alone helped too. We were both recently divorced and her baggage kind of amplified mine if that makes sense.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 12:28 PM
2

Me if you’re still looking
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/23 11:16 AM
2

A mediator is supposed to be an impartial party, but you should have a lawyer regardless
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/23 01:23 AM
2

What do you think divorce fees are? After mediation, there was months of back and forth before we had an agreement
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/23 08:35 PM
2

Marriage separation agreement
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/23 08:34 PM
2

Mine was somewhere in the $3500 range and it included a draft of the MSA. But I’m warning on my experience. Once that draft was written my ex’s side tried to change a lot of it. Ultimately things went largely in my favor, but I do have mixed feeling about how useful mediation was
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/23 05:53 PM
2

Recommend seeing if there are meetup groups or volunteer jobs. I’ve made a new circle of friends through these
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 07:42 PM
3

Together 22, married 18 years. Evidence of cheating, but this was mostly her midlife crisis. Almost 2 years on, I’m in a much better place overall and have now been seeing someone new for a year. Sleepless nights were about 7 months. Anger took a year. Waves of sadness also a year. Any of the above has come back at times. Just a couple weeks back, I had a strong waves after a big unexpected home expense and work stuff. My therapist described it was subconscious resentment as my safety net shrunk…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 05:10 PM
1

Are you me?
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 10:49 AM
2

Mine flipped her shit when circumstances showed there was no child support & legal precedent to back it up.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 11:24 AM
6

My alimony gets sent at a time of day that corresponds with our anniversary date. I doubt she has figured out why it’s always a specific time in the afternoon
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/23 03:52 PM
2

With out it turned out, I’m pretty satisfied with the financial part. I did consider changing my 401K to zero but that would be hurting me too. What I would change would be letting myself see what the relationship was turning into. I was controlled, had people edited from my life, felt like decisions needs her approval. I regret letting myself succumb to that.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 02:45 PM
1

Thank you for this. It’s definitely the most stressful turn I’ve had to face since the divorce itself. My ex was very anxious in general. I can own up to some, and it’s worlds different without her influence. Thing is she projected that onto me and it became part of her smear campaign. I guess to some degree even feeling anxious over anything brings me back to that portrayal. The win I will take here is a functioning roof 🤷‍♂️. And I will try and isolate from my current relationship. She is supp…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 07:04 PM
5

WTF does this even mean? I’m getting plenty of said ‘pussy’ ok ‘bro’? Does that solve the stress of unexpected home repair & layoffs impacting my workload?
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 05:54 PM
2

I have believed that on an intellectual level. I have examples like the one you shared here. It didn’t stop a smear campaign many people I knew for decades just bought into to. Easier to paint me as the asshole
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/23 08:10 PM
14

So you can to a forum of men supporting each other, many of whom have been cheated on, myself included, and just assume lots of us had a side piece and will dish how it’s going?
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 01:46 PM
30

I wish nothing but horrible things for your friend and that man
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 01:38 PM
3

You have a great outlook then. A year ago I was in a terrible place, and while I’m not 100%, I am worlds better and in a new Relationship. You can do it too. All the best
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 01:35 AM
3

It’s very recent for you. All the things mentioned on here…time, get in shape, therapy. I’m +95% there and maybe started feeling myself at the one year mark. Waves still come, but they don’t have the same impact they once did
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/23 02:25 PM
2

I called everyone almost immediately. Why avoid people whom are likely to support you
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/23 08:15 PM
7

Therapy is a bigger help than meditation. It better put things in perspective and process. In retrospect, I had a bit of isolation and control I was living through without really seeing it. My new partner….it did feel strange but also exciting. We both came from similar partners & it has been refreshing to be with someone whom can communicate instead of silently judge you for not reading her mind.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/23 06:03 PM
7

Meditation and mindful walking did help. It’s not a cure. It helped me recognize I wasn’t this flawed individual I was being made out to be, and deep down I was a happy person. Please go therapy if you aren’t already. That was the biggest help for me I’m more than a year out, and in a better place in a new relationship. That doesn’t mean moments of anger and hurt don’t still pop up. They just don’t have the impact they did in the beginning
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/23 05:50 PM
3

Check my post history for how I turned out and can chat if you want. It’s a work in progress, but a lot of positive has come out of it including a new healthy relationship
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 12:32 PM
3

While I had evidence of cheating I wasn’t actively left for someone. Sorry you are going though this. The sleepless nights lasted 6-8 months for me. I still have moments and bad nights over a year later. Had and still have the feelings you describe.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 12:07 PM
1

I’m sorry that happened for you. Telling the children is something that should have been done together. There are many things my ex did that undermined parenting decisions during this, but telling the kids we did together
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 06:37 PM
3

There have been signs she is working on herself in therapy. My initial feeling was resentment. It would probably be the same with an apology. Like gee thanks……. it was actually possible to make behavioral changes, not micromanage our kids, and understand people can’t read your mind and communicate. Maybe you could have done that years ago. Instead it was more important to project an image of having it all together and controlling every little thing. I’ve gone through in therapy my part of this. …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 06:38 PM
3

Wonderful….similarly in my early counseling sessions it was clear I wasn’t doing anything for myself. I’ve since built an active social life, new hobbies and my time with the kids is better.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/23 08:06 PM
1

Briefly…..When our mediation contract came back with key items we negotiated missing, we had one separate productive phone call to red line it ourselves. After that, she couldn’t so much as fart without consulting her attorney
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/23 05:14 PM
2

In my case ‘everything fell on her’ translated to only she was capable of doing things right. While it’s getting better, I’m still getting shades of. ‘Ok fine, we will try it your way’. If one parent passes away it’s pretty clear the other gets full custody. It’s the what if both of us do we are still arguing over ATM.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/23 02:43 PM
6

It would be more rare for new relationships to start if one felt 100% perfect and over the past. I’ve met people on my journey whom still have anger years later, but didn’t stop them from starting a new life and in some cases finding new love
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 11:24 AM
3

Strong and independent and by that I mean her father pays her rent
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 11:38 AM
2

Thank you, it wasn't easy to get to this point and took a lot of work. She appears to be genuinely working on herself, which has been a little infuriating. I have had the chance to directly relay finally beginning to communicate and not control every decision around our kids in both appreciated but adding additional resentment, This could have been done years ago w/o doing this to the children.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/23 01:46 AM
12

I’m about 4 months since signing. So far our spring break road trip. Baseball games museums, allowed to be spontaneous without a voice slicing fun or worry about getting sick just for being out in the world. Fun police is gone
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 11:14 PM
3

All good stuff I'm going to take to therapy this week. If I do it, she is either going to ignore or perform some mental gymnastics of how she already had decided to break up. Thats my expectation. I just need to talk through all I have heard here & how on some level I think I would be more at peace. I'm already more relaxed and sleeping better since signing, so that itself is progress
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 01:05 PM
2

I get it and I am universally being told no. I am going to take it to my therapist this week. I really don't have anything to lose by doing this. I've called out her hypocrisy and half truths through the process. She usually ignores them, but I know some of it has gotten under her skin. That is really all I expect. I'm more mad at myself for not seeing I was married to a snake until there was time / distance apart..
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/23 03:32 PM
2

Thank you. For one it will be showing emotional intelligence and how to communicate. Her side seems to think its best to put on a happy face an bottle up every little thing big or small until you have a nervous breakdown. It fooled me for 20 years. Of the things I've been angry about is learning I was being made fun for showing emotion. If I'm upset, annoyed, I can't really hide it. How did bottling everything up and expecting the world to read your mind work out for her?
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 01:56 PM
2

My lawyer had one written into the contract, mostly for the calendar function. They were trying to pigeonhole me into certain weekdays that conflicted with my volunteer schedule, which was well established that I loved and worked certain days. Then when the agreed to a more favorable rotation, they ridiculously tried to make it so rigid, a work trip or function wouldn't be permissible w/o 2 weeks of notice. Life doesn't work that way....just another attempt to control everything
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 11:28 AM
1

I've sort of done that exercise.....the urge to do it is still there. All I really expect of her is to not acknowledge it. But some level of it will get under her skin She's an expert at grey rocking me, the issue is it includes anything about the kids. Like if there are 5 things we need to talk about for the kids. She will answer 2.5. Its a control thing and she is realizing I'm not necessarily going to agree with her. Like I changed my approach and all communication was around the kids. Anythi…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 11:05 PM
1

Thanks, I will keep it in mind. Rarely getting an apology was a feature in the marriage, so it definitely isn't happening here. Closest it came was expressing some 'regret' on how I was treated in the lead up to it & it came with a lot of 'but' and reasons why I had fault. I've talked about this new relationship a lot in therapy. I'm not looking years down the road. What I do see is actual communication, which didn't happen in my marriage and I'm not compromising who I am. So of all the negative…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 10:34 PM
1

20 year relationship w/ alimony for half that term. I tried to shorten it and it came with more drama. In retrospect I shouldn't have done that. My lawyer's advise was 'do you really think she is going to stay single that long?" She works.....didn't really put career on hold but there is a gap and I was never going to escape alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 10:10 PM
2

Fair point, I would call that more of a fantasy than something I would do. Part of me does want to eventually tell them as adults. There clearly was a narrative created, of all the shit I have been angry over, that is the easiest to digest. Its not true, so it didn't totally bother me. Its very possible the kids do see through it already but I don't ask. I'm very pleased with the environment I'd made in the house. Enough stayed the same for stability, but other parts of the house have a new feel…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 10:02 PM
1

Thanks, I appreciate it. All I'm looking to accomplish is to let her know that I know. In the long run she already comically isn't communicating about the kids & I have zero sense of good will for the sake of the kids, I'm not into a 'revenge' but the MSA definitely did not go her way. I'm planning to break the news of my girlfriends to the kids soon. It hasn't been to stick it to her, but I am happy in the new relationship. I was in counseling before this and its definitely helped get me throug…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 09:53 PM
2

I was never going to walk away from that one. She works, but there is enough of a salary gap. We will have to share finances in a few years for college financial aid. I believe I have a chance to try and modify depending on what I see. In some ways, I negotiate for a living and I know when to keep shit to myself. Early on she told me plans to get a 2nd job or some supplemental income. If its significant.....I know I can try.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 09:46 PM
1

The whole process took 7 months with asking for the divorce like 4 months prior. She was in such a rush to 'find herself' she moved out with like 4 days notice in the fall. She could have been advised to stay in town, but they were too focused on trying to pigeonhole me into a parenting schedule that would impact my volunteering schedule, which had been consistent for years. I was like.....don't be mad at me, I didn't force you to leave, and you had 2 attorneys that could have told you to stay i…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 09:43 PM
2

All I really want to do it let her know that I know, and to use it as a veiled threat to tell the kids to not mess with me. What may actually cause more drama is making my girlfriend public. Everyone knows except the kids and the X. Its been over 6 months and now that the papers are signed I want to tell the kids. I had held back for fear it would impact negotiations. Doing that is a bigger priority for me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 09:31 PM
3

Thank you. Appreciate the warning about possible future attempts to modify. When our son goes to college in a few years, It will require us to share finances. If she is making more money, I know I have a chance to challenge the alimony amount. In terms of letting it go.....I've had a real hard time with that. All I really want to do is let her know that I know & I have the receipts. An possibly use it a veiled threat to tell the kids if she fucks with me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 09:28 PM
1

I've been advised this may make the whole thing more combative, so no
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 04:13 PM
1

gee thanks......I was hoping she wouldn't notice this part
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 01:29 PM
21

dude.....we have a lot in common. I'm waiting until shit is signed to reveal what I know. mine is probably using that same fucking logic
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/22 11:44 PM
3

Thanks. I think it was you that replied to a prior post of mine. This is me working to be the stronger party. I want to go into this with a specific point of view
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/22 11:28 PM
1

This is great! I didn't even think to bring up future sales costs. I could argue that offsets whatever income tax she will face. I wanted the house because frankly the mortgage will be less than local rents. I have known I will need to refinance to get her name off the house. I'm going to ask for 2 years to do that. Interest rate aside, I should do fine because we're almost 20 years into a 30 year term. My hope is the payment won't change drastically, and if does, I may consider and ARM instead.…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/22 11:18 PM
2

thank you this is what I thought, but wanted to make sure. and noted on keeping quiet. I know that is the right answer, but I've had some week moments
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/22 08:22 PM
2

This is great thanks! There is some cash, but not a lot. Some mix will be part of it, but mostly 401K I will research tax rate. Do you think that is just on the sum, or her income plus the equity in tax rate? and noted on the infidelity. Its what my support is telling me too. It just gets harder with time and I've had some weak moments
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/22 08:20 PM
1

To elaborate more.......we are estimating some household expenses. I'm a little afraid that may suggest household expenses outside the kids should be considered. If I have a chance to show a lower #, should I? Again, I don't want this to assume I'm still paying for getting her nails done & gym membership that isn't shared
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/22 01:18 PM
1

I like this. From our financial assets, I think its pretty cut and dry. there is one particular old 401K that most of the value can be taken from (There are other 401k and IRA accounts I'd propose to keep. There is this form the mediator is making us fill out that outlines assets and every day expenses. Is it fair to suggest we each take over one of the cars? I should hope that some of her lifestyle things like beauty and gym membership aren't sometime that would be expended to support outside o…
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/22 12:41 PM
3

Right....I'm the troll because I should negotiate the same way the guy who.....checks notes....totally bought twitter does.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 08:46 PM
1

dude.....I'm dying now. Your comment history is a riot too.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 08:41 PM
1

dude......this really made me chuckle. I'm going in with 'I want to keep it all' Like portions of this are assets she earned too. She wasn't a SAHM
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 07:57 PM
1

Can you elaborate of what percentage wouldn't be consider losing to you?
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 07:26 PM
1

awesome, thank you for this!
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 01:52 PM
6

My situation is similar, and I fought it for a while then accepted. Similar things were thrown in my face. Also have some confirmation she intended to cheat before asking for divorce. I have good and bad days & am trying to envision what a new life could look like
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 06:47 PM
2

I could go for some of that.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 05:48 PM
14

Together close to 25 years, married for 16. Ending now
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 02:10 PM
3

I'm still there and its been over 2 months. Guided sleep meditation has been helpful. It has particularly helped with staying asleep. I would be waking up at 2 or 3 am and just never get back down
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 02:07 PM
2

Honestly the thought of seeking something new is intriguing. Internet / App dating wasn't really a thing when we met. Now I get to try it. Maybe I am a catch? Plus one of my best friends went through this and I can see is happier than ever in a new relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 01:41 PM
1

Thank you. Showing indifference is not a strength of mine. But as I get through this I think its heathier long term to feel outwardly if I need rather than bottle them up.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 01:38 PM
1

I'm trying to digest that line of thought.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 01:36 PM
1

TBD on my 401K, but the way I'm thinking is it was originally meant for 2 people and I will have 20 years to rebuild it. I'm doing all those things....running has helped me cope physically. My best friends have been outstanding support as I experience the ups and downs. Plus therapy. I may try and date this fall once the dust settles a little further. I do know I want companionship. I don't think I'm flawed or unhappy at my core. Part of me has been a little relived by this and I'm intrigued to …
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 01:33 PM
2

I wish I didn't know, but here we are. In some ways it makes more sense than the reasons she originally gave me. I'm not letting on I know anything but will keep that handy until things are final
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 05:37 PM
2

Thank you for this. It does help and I've taken something similar to heart. I was in a decent place for a while until this
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 02:51 PM
2

Checked that box a while ago.....just this new information throwing me for a loop
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 02:51 PM
7

This feels like me......she totally said she wants to be alone. That is what is killing me with this information. I don't recognize this person.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 02:50 PM
4

I don't see her crawling back. This was a client or something at a trade show, so I don't think they even met before that. Earth is kind of scorching as I'm being portrayed as a complete asshole to every one in her orbit. What kills me is many of these people don't know me at all
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 02:49 PM
2

'itch' may be a good way to define this. Thing that is killing me here is the happened before asking to separate and contradicts her reasoning
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 02:45 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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