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xosto Archive

View 5 posts and 108 comments by xosto on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
80

Dealing with the Ex / STBXxosto/r/Divorce_Men14/04/25 10:48 PM
71

Dating After Divorcexosto/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 03:59 AM
10

xosto/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 09:32 AM
5

xosto/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 12:29 PM
1

xosto/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 07:58 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
6

What do you mean by silver bullet divorce
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 02:43 AM
2

They stopped living in a fantasy of how life "should be" and accepted the reality that 1. There is no soulmate. Women come and go. 2. Marriage is just a legal/religious structure to protect women and children and create social stability. Never rely on the concept of being married to protect your relationship 3. Never sacrifice your leverage in a relationship. Maintain your health, money, and independence as a man. They need to respect and admire you and feel like another woman will take you (eve…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 01:45 PM
3

If you're unhappy she's probably as well. One of you will end up pulling the trigger for the divorce if it feels easier than to make an existing relationship work. But unless your partner is actively making your life difficult consider the possibility that you're responsible for finding your own happiness independent of your setting. This is trite but there are happy poor people and unhappy poor people just like there are happy rich people and unhappy rich people. Sometimes we have a limited num…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 12:39 PM
3

Marriage is a business transaction. It's in the family laws. It's historically why people got married. Figure out a way to make them feel like it's just not worth the trouble to take your stuff even with a lawyer. Make them want to leave and entice them with a quick exit as long as they pay the price of giving up on those marital assets. Convince them that the money they're taking is going to come with bad vibes. Not a sense of fairness but the emotional aspect of money - it will haunt her. This…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 01:30 PM
1

Yeah it's one of those things where You go between blaming them for not telling you and then blaming yourself for not seeing it coming. It's like somebody told you two plus two equals 5 and the whole time you've been building something based on faulty math And one day it comes crumbling down and it seems so obvious but why didn't you catch it. And that's because everyone is using bad math to build these buildings. These are the stories we believe. Everybody is playing a role but it's real to us.…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 05:08 AM
7

I mean there's more emotional truth in this than logical sense. Nobody should be jumping up and down to do stuff with their soon to be ex or their ex. Yes a lot of us hoped the marriage wouldn't end and that's a s***** place to be. But once you get divorced and accept the end of things I know that life is better on the other side, I'm going to want to see my kids and if it's going to have to be with her there so be it. Like other people said I'm there for the kids and they are glad I'm there. An…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 04:54 AM
234

There was a study done about who the popular kids in an elementary school were and they were neither the most attractive or the most athletic or the funniest… They were just the kids who took an interest in a lot of other kids. They would do things like when walking down the hallway if they saw somebody they would greet them and in a nutshell, they took the initiative. They took the initiative to meet people to talk to them to remember them and in some circles you consider this to be someone who…
/r/seduction21/01/25 06:30 AM
1

What definitely works is removing people. On the top right next to their name after the go back icon are three dots... Click it. Click remove (not report). Then put no reason Instead of x people who will come back when you recycle your matches, just remove people you're not interested in. X only the people who have roses. Eventually hinge will run out of normal people who fit your criteria and will put the rose people in your regular pool They still won't talk to you unless you have a good openi…
/r/seduction22/11/24 12:59 PM
9

I have noticed I don't socialize as much with married people anymore now that I'm divorced. So if you're married you're not going to see a lot of divorced people and if they do divorce they drop out of your social rotation. My new social circle is filled with family (my kids, parents, siblings, relatives), my friends from hobbies (basketball, running club, professional group), and my faith. I used to go to dinners with married couples with kids and honestly while they were nice people it was peo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 03:31 PM
13

A lot of women are looking for a hero. Somebody to save them from themselves. But that same hero becomes a villain to them. Maybe they want structure and stability in their lives and you provide that. Then they resent you because you're either controlling or boring. Maybe they want to have fun and live life in the moment. Then they get mad at you for not having emotional depth or connecting with them beyond the surface level. It's entirely a them issue It's not you. No human is capable of mirror…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 01:17 PM
6

This is great advice and I got divorced a year ago and I was going through the exact same process Shame is such a powerful emotion for men and women. But what we failed to see and shame is that when someone does something hurtful to us instead of saying hey you're acting poorly we try to find a reason why it's happening and we blame ourselves and we think that we deserved it or it was our fault. And when we have such a deep level of shame we turn inwards and we don't tell other people about it. …
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 01:44 PM
10

Great advice here. Recognize you're still attached to the idea of a family with her and the attachment will continue to cause suffering. Detaching from your dreams and expectation, even the hidden ones, is hard until you get a reminder like this. This is information my brother. You're experiencing what happens when you're the dumped person. You're feeling things that you still need to experience and put away once you're done with them. "why wasn't I enough" and "you really don't want a future wi…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 02:20 PM
4

I get it dude. I had a hard time at drop-off too. They say it gets better but you know that's true on the average scale. Some days are just harder. The solution is to focus on you my brother. Not the hypocrisy, selfishness, shortsighted woman you married.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 11:51 AM
5

Deleted and unfriended her. Social media is not a personal journal. It's a highlight reel. I'm not giving her space in my life. There's a dark side that can be be beneficial for you. You can act like you forgot or don't care to update and curate your social media. It can help you in the dating scene. Women are competitive. The insecure ones will want to win your approval over your ex. The secure ones will still want to one up her if they think she's attractive or something. It's a form of social…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 09:07 PM
6

Lots of questions. Get a lawyer and you'll have a realistic assessment of the legal and business side of things. The emotional support part is what the online forums are for. My divorce caught me by surprise. I live in Texas. She moved fast - filed and settled in 2 months, it just took a couple of months to have the court sign the final paperwork. I didn't fight her on it. I negotiated a settlement that I could live with. Custody is big. Then child support. Then alimony. You're always going to w…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 04:18 PM
8

The issue he's having is that she wants the divorce it seems. The person breaching the contract (marriage) shouldn't get a windfall...this is why all men need a prenup that specifies who pays what when things go south. The law provides the default prenup and in this case, yes, it seems to compensate the mom for forgoing her career and offers an insurance plan when things don't work out.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 05:47 PM
8

Sounds like she needs to see a therapist/counselor to figure out why she makes bad life choices and how she can best show up for your kids. If you want more parenting time this would be a good chance to take on the kids more and let her be busy with the baby and the baby daddy. You'll have your kids more which helps them avoid being around a dude with a drinking problem. It gives them more attention because newborns take up lots of mom's time. And it helps you feel better about keeping the kids …
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 05:32 PM
9

It's been pretty great. Some guys don't have a good time with it though. I'm able to attract all kinds. I would not jump right into it though. It's like trying to sell your car after you've just been in a crash. Maybe the crash wasn't so major but people are going to be afraid of buying a vehicle that's been in a car crash especially if it looks like it's been in one. So avoid doing what a lot of guys do which is they are still injured the car still beat up and they are looking for people to pay…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 02:22 AM
17

You're welcome to play the long con with her - go to counseling. Suggest her getting a job will help the marriage because it'll alleviate financial stress and you'll show up as a better husband and her being outside with people will reduce her need to cheat. The job will make her financially independent at a minimum and possibly she can help share the financial burden so you can hold up savings. Start doing more with your child to establish your ability and track record as a primary parent if th…
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 06:59 PM
6

Thanks for sharing. I've been there man. Paying all the bills and then the unexpected divorce and a new bill - child support. Getting into debt during the proceedings. But then you get divorced and you can usually find a way to fix the finances. It's relatively short term but the scale is months compared to decades and of course you're living in the hours and days scale where you're just trying to get through the day. As long as you're alive you will overcome this. You were born with the capacit…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 05:15 PM
4

This is really helpful to share because I have a 7-year-old and 9-year-old and I care about their mother and she's very cold towards me but at least she doesn't bad mouth me or at least I haven't seen that yet. Yeah it's good to know that how we behave is noted by children as opposed to what their moms might tell them about us.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:11 AM
16

Social approval. That's why so many people do it. Also maybe she feels insecure without the marriage commitment and she has done a lot to earn it. In that case marriage is her idea and she really wants it and it should be less effort in the long run as long as you keep up with the maintenance. A lot of us complain because the women in our lives didn't do what they promised to do which will stay faithful and loyal and honor the vows they made. Women are oath breakers and they don't feel bad about…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 09:08 PM
9

Same. Ex-wife threw a grenade in our home, blew up the marriage and family unit, apparently remains unhappy because the kids are unhappy... Kids loved the life we had. We had a good marriage when we put in the work. She didn't want to anymore. I understand my contributions as a man who wasn't in his full masculine frame. I think she didn't trust the changes but instead of sticking around a little longer for the kids sake she had something she had to rush towards. That's why I call it a grenade. …
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 08:32 PM
4

It goes away. It feels freeing not having it get in the way of lifting weights and banging against metal.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 10:12 PM
4

Don't be a dick with the lawyer. Would you be that way with the judge or the jury or anyone who would be making a decision about your fate? Even if they ask irritating questions? Your lawyer may have some prep work for you but if they're really busy or don't know about your plan, I would talk to them first. Look at how people on TV answer questions from reporters on difficult subjects. They know what they're saying is going to be transcribed and taken out of the context of the interview so they'…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:40 PM
1

Just get an attorney to advise you because pleading the fifth in a civil deposition is a last resort option and it could be used against you in the civil case depending on your state.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:33 PM
8

Went through the same thing last year, 13 years married with two young kids. Things were pretty good, not great, not bad. If you don't date your wife, someone else will. Doesn't matter what religion culture etc she is a part of. Now that I'm out meeting women I recognize versions of her exist everywhere. Women with daddy issues. Coping with anxiety and depression. Blaming their partners for their emotional struggles. The hardest part is uncoupling from her. I was making the changes she wanted th…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 05:55 PM
2

That's my experience too - 50/50 isn't the default in Texas
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 05:30 AM
3

She leaves and sets up jurisdiction in another state. It'll be a nightmare flying back and forth trying to get it settled and then to see the kids
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 05:28 AM
2

This is correct
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 05:26 AM
1

This is all true. I got divorced. I have kids and live in Texas. Never allowed her to consider moving back home. She setup the kids life here. They need their dad
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 05:26 AM
5

She didn't respect you in the relationship, she carries that into the co-parenting relationship too. It's learning to take focus off what she does and focus on what we can control. When the kids are with me they are in a different world and have a different experience from what I experience with her in our co-parenting dynamic. Remember we can create a reality for our kids that's different from what our ex does
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 01:41 PM
4

Agreed. My ex father in law feels terrible for me about the divorce and checks in on me. My ex mother in law went radio silent to support her daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 01:38 PM
3

I come from a Muslim background and I was conservative and still am and practicing and I don't do premarital sex and got divorced and it was a betrayal of our shared faith. She left because she was unhappy not because there was anything that couldn't be fixed and we had two kids and I've learned to accept her feelings and my own, But in accordance to our faith it's not how things should have been handled. But it's totally normalized in the United States right! And so are a lot of things that are…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 03:35 AM
1

First of all, You need to do a lot of self-work here my friend because you're getting pulled by all kinds of directions and you need to figure out what your priorities are in life. For most people it's going to be your children and no woman is going to tell you what is or is it normal but you have to figure that out for yourself. The reality is that your children will grow up and well if you do things correctly it'll be a life-long relationship but you also only get a limited amount of time at c…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 02:17 PM
4

They change when the kids arrive. Every single time.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 12:02 PM
11

Financially...you're going to have to make more money. That's the first thing. Once you take care of that and you have discretionary income, it's amazing. Yes the hardest part in all of this will be less time with your children but you will make the most of that time you do have. And if you've been a good dad so far they will adore you. I got divorced when I was 40 and it wasn't by choice and I got settled with a child support payment which again wasn't much of a choice. Basically a lot of thing…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 05:00 AM
4

Definitely don't make decisions about getting married based on other people's expectations or standards. You have to fully embrace being single and once you do other people will find what you do to be interesting. That's how you find mutual friends. And you will also find women who are interested in what you do and they will pursue you for a relationship. And with your take it or leave it attitude you'll find somebody who is agreeable and friendly. With your experience you can tell whether they …
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 03:37 PM
3

Giving them grace for their failings is hard when we held them as people we loved and admired. That's the hard part. They're imperfect. They have a hard time admitting it themselves. Somehow we have to treat them as though they're not broken. And we must acknowledge our shortcomings. And live life. We're better for it but it doesn't feel just. It's not. Justice is harsh without mercy. We are being merciful
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 03:57 PM
5

You're still attached to her and you will always care about her a little bit but what helps is not living together not having contact and having a full life of your own so much so you don't have time to think about her. That's easier said than done because I've been not only doing the work of processing my divorce and the emotions that arise out of it. But I also keep busy at work and work out and with my kids and with my social life. There isn't much time left in the day but all it takes is a f…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 05:10 AM
4

Hey man I know that everyone goes through this little bit differently. It sounds like it's harder for you because you don't have a roof over your head because you're providing one for your children and the person you love betrayed you and you're in some tough financial straits. I can't give you an answer or a solution sitting behind a keyboard. That's not what we do here. What I can tell you in my experience is that whatever challenge you're facing is something that you will overcome. Nobody in …
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 05:10 AM
14

So many of the things that you talk about are things that we as men have to get used to doing by ourselves because we're so accustomed to having someone else tell us what to do and many of the guys are afraid of making their own decisions and living life on their own terms.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 03:32 AM
5

Many parents want their children to live better lives than they did. But even they are human beings prone to flaws like envy and jealousy. I've seen situations where Mom gives her son the love that Dad desperately wanted in the marriage. Then son grows up gets married and has a wife that loves him. Dad watches this whole thing and sees this man who is his child but feels he took his wife and now he has another woman. And he is envious deep in his heart but he would not present that because it's …
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 06:13 AM
6

How long were you separated or did she just file it at the beginning of the year? I mean there's a lot of guys just like you they were planning on it for several years and it happens right after the holidays. Everything you're going through is normal. You want to read some books on processing grief. It's going to help you a lot. Right now you're so tempted to catch the bus that you missed by asking her to stay and reconsidering. She's probably going to tell you a lot of things that are true for …
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 04:03 AM
1

Agreed, this is unfortunately the way a lot of women support each other in private. It is incredible that even when they "fall in love" and find their "partner in crime" they will still listen to their "friends" over the person they chose to bring children into their world with. The importance of thinking for yourself is part of women's empowerment but heaven forbid they think independently of what other women tell them to do.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 01:54 PM
4

I appreciate you were able to write a firm closure letter for yourself like this. My ex-wife and I had several conversations during separation where she literally said phrases from this letter. How did you write it?? .
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 12:54 PM
9

Valentine's Day was a constant struggle to meet her high expectations for an expensive dinner and gift and flowers and entertainment following her being tired and going to bed without anything happening. Even before when she did show affection it was forced. Like a sense of obligation. I don't think I ever had a real thing with her and it's taken the divorce and a careful examination of the past to realize I loved her and she might have liked having me around but definitely didn't desire me in t…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 01:29 AM
1

I am fat bald but I do exercise consistently so there's a little bit of definition in some parts of my body. When I first got divorced the beginning I tried the apps and no luck. I was at the time trying to find somebody to make me feel better and help me pass the time while I was healing. At that point I had lost weight and looked better at least purely from a physical standpoint but mentally I was still dependent on feeling good by being in a relationship or having female company. I don't thin…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/24 02:55 PM
3

The ones I do best with are late 20s to early 40s. I'm 40. Late 20s and early 30s want marriage and kids usually unless they have their own. I prefer the ones that have kids already because I have my own and there's no pressure to have more. If you don't have kids and she wants them and you want them what's the issue? If she categorizes you as a "good man" who will make a good dad and provide - seems to be happening to you - them play that role but only when you're ready for it. She'll complain …
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 10:06 PM
4

I recommend everyone start with "no more Mr Nice Guy" then read "3 percent man", then "hold onto your NUTs" This will help shift your mindset from focusing on the relationship to focusing on yourself. I also found "loving what is" to be very helpful to accept reality rather than arguing against it Finally for something a little lighter, "the alchemist" is a fictional story that embodies a lot of these principles told through a young man's coming of age story.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 06:14 PM
2

I don't think you're in a place right now to be out there dating but once things get sorted for you and I hope they do and I hope things do get better you'll return to that awesome person that you were before the marriage. Trusting people it's hard to do especially when people betray you You just assume that you'll never do it again but just like you have to breathe you will have to trust and the way around this is not by giving blind trust. If you think about it no one deserves our blind trust …
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 03:17 PM
5

That was needlessly cruel of her but remember her words whenever you feel like you want her to come back or if you think there's a reason to stay single for her to return. Everything she did was done "for you" even if it doesn't look like it right now and even if she didn't do it "for you" intentionally. You now know you have to find an identity outside a relationship. You now know this is how women get when they become unhappy even when you give them everything. So don't do that again. Don't sa…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 02:29 PM
9

Marriage protects women more than men. But it's setup that way it a man decided to dump a woman and move on. Or cheat on her, abuse her, or do anything to make her life intolerable. Now it's really just for religious men who fear eternal damnation for living in sin. Whatever "commitment" marriage represents is illusory and depends on how well you continue to date your woman and give her the appearance you have options. A man's ability to replace his girlfriend or wife is the best indicator of wh…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 09:18 PM
4

Are you 75?
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 09:11 PM
3

I agree people who cheat are terrible for doing it and it is such a deep betrayal. Look many people especially men approach relationships logically and the logical thing to do is to just leave if you can't remain faithful If you have to break your oath then try to fix it if you can't then leave and that's the logical thing to do. But a lot of people women especially men too but a lot of people cheat because emotionally that satisfies a need. And the hardest thing to accept is that their need is …
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 02:40 AM
13

The good guys getting dumped here really believe the vows meant something. They don't. Women are going to do whatever feels good in the moment. Life gets boring. Divorce and dating opens up a chance at a refresh. Just like throwing out old clothes and getting new ones. It can only happen once or twice unless they're especially lucky. Most men will get divorced by a woman first in their 20s, if they married young, then I their 40s, and then 60s. At least that's what I've seen. A relationship only…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 11:03 AM
2

Wonder where they're getting this from. Same thing. She grew and I didn't appreciate her. That sometimes divorce just is the best option and it's a shame culture makes it a taboo... Um lady divorce is a taboo because it's emotionally draining and painful. It's not like returning an item to the store. Her way of leaving me, I realize, had a deeper impact on me than I thought. I really felt like I had gotten over it after a year of being apart but apparently not
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 10:33 AM
19

They feel guilty for cheating and leaving. They deny cheating because what they did doesn't count (e.g. they had to cheat because...) And they deny how their decision to leave hurt the kids. Then they feel guilty and the push that down. Then they see you and it reminds their conscience of that which they did wrong. They hate you for being a reminder.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 11:36 PM
6

This feels familiar...🙁 The part where they have past trauma and it's difficult for them to open up Sorry you went through that. Hurt people hurt people.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 07:52 AM
7

How old are you brother? I'm 40 and my wife divorced me after 13 years. Very suddenly for me but for her she said she was thinking about her for some time. We have two kids. The separation and the divorce all happened within 8 months. I've done a lot of the same things you're talking about reading books journaling exercising trying to find a purpose etc. You're not going to find happiness outside yourself. Also you're not going to find it being by yourself as much as people tell you you need to …
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 03:07 PM
10

So true. Definitely want your children's mom to be okay with her life otherwise she's going to ruin your kids and you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/23 03:52 AM
2

It's going to be really hard to prove adultery unless the admit it. File amicably and maybe they might want to reconcile and in that process If they make admissions you can use them for the purposes of later changing it to adultery I know it's crappy but that's how people do it. But yeah I guess I got lucky because my ex did not make false allegations and I guess whatever she said she was being fair and reasonable that's what she meant because it seems fairly standard for women to just make up s…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/23 08:00 AM
8

They are still attached to you and can't let go until they find a way to let go with love. You probably didn't break up in the most perfect way possible. Nobody can. You can say sorry for the pain the heartbreak caused them. That you didn't intend for it to happen. That you just couldn't find a way to make the incompatibility you saw work. You lost hope they'd change and you also recognize you were not able to be the person you wanted to be in the relationship. In your view this was the only way…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/23 07:57 AM
3

Feel like this comment is so good and people will miss it. Trying to understand the reasoning is so hard when there's nothing obviously wrong with the marriage that would warrant a divorce that would probably have been fixed if they wanted to try to fix it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/23 09:50 PM
6

It's okay. I once almost got with a woman with a history and a kid. Very tempting because that experience makes them willing to put out. You're putting them on a pedestal. They're not 9s. You're not a 5. No way you'd be together if that were the case. You were just as attractive in your own way. It's time to stop shitting on yourself and realize you have some bad stories driving your life and your journey. You are a good man, good father, you're the perfect catch for the right woman. You're goin…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 10:22 PM
26

Sorry man. One of the risks we take when we have a relationship with a woman who has a child with another man. You've heard it before but women are like cats and they'll roam around looking for homes that put out food. They'll sniff and check out the other food and if yours is the best they will stick around. Between women and men, We are the romantics. We believe that our love and loyalty is enough and that they should love us for who we are and not for what we do. Women are a lot more practica…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 08:31 PM
3

I told them about 3 months into the separation. We would always have get togethers every now and then and she missed a lot of them and they started to get irritated with her and I didn't want to have to keep making up excuses for her. It was actually helpful to talk to people about it even though they may not respond in the way that you want It does feel like you are sharing a little bit of the load and distributing it. The downside is that they're going to have to process it and there will be a…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/23 06:32 PM
14

Going through the same thing. They definitely lost attraction because they no longer look up to you for whatever reason. Maybe she got a promotion. Maybe you got out of shape. Maybe she started getting attention from "superior" men. Maybe you didn't give her the attention she felt she deserved. Whatever it is - it's entirely her. She wanted to consume something and you weren't serving it. Maybe your marriage was hamburger and fries. Now she decided she's earned steak and lobster. And you're not …
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/23 08:52 PM
28

Losing half the time I had with my kids
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/23 12:11 AM
20

They just feel like they want to experience something different in life and some of the things that they want they feel like you're never going to give it to them and if they have to ask then it takes away from the romance of it
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 05:53 PM
9

Yes divorce seems like a real option. My stbxw mom divorced multiple times and at first my stbxw didn't want to be like her mom but she's accepted that is not a bad way to live life. Don't fix things. Live in the moment. That sort of seek your bliss at any cost type of b.s.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/23 07:33 PM
27

I spent an equal amount of time blaming myself and blaming her before just accepting that this is the way things were destined to be. Her accepting blame would be refreshing but it would be a step backwards. I know I had a role to play in getting the marriage to where it was by putting her on a pedestal, taking her rejection personally, and withdrawing. I wanted her validation then. That's how my neediness contributed to the decline. I also know she had a role in it by withholding affection, liv…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 03:36 PM
6

Every lawyer will advise against it. It turns amicable divorces bad fast. It's an emotional process. Logic will not prevail. Even in no fault states it can be viewed poorly especially if you're in a community property state and you spend money dating. They'll pull your financials. Not sure where you're finding women ready to date a separated by divorced man, but more power to you if they're any good. Most will pass on you until you're fully divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 12:06 AM
5

One of the things that really helped me with detachment from her was detaching from other things that I was carrying with me. That sounds crazy but I cleared out my garage my email inbox and tossed some old clothes that had some sentimental value but didn't serve a purpose for me anymore and I wouldn't need them. Once I became a little more indifferent with my material possessions then I started doing harder things with my other relationships. There are certain people have to work with that I'm …
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 12:02 AM
6

I think you would be surprised by how many people do care about you and would miss you if you were gone. I had a law school classmate who I hadn't seen in 10 years. We weren't best friends or anything but you know when you see someone you've known and went through an experience with them and reconnect it's terrific. He was such a nice guy and we were supposed to meet a second time after that reconnect. Well he passed away suddenly. We were supposed to check in again in a few months but he died b…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/23 11:01 PM
6

Thanks for coming back and telling us what it's like on the other side. So many people say it's going to get better but we can't see how and you sharing your experience helps us understand that it takes time and effort. I can see why golf would be a great sport to pick up because it allows for social interaction and it puts you outside and there's a lot of skill involved and when you are good at something it makes you feel good about yourself. What also hit home for me is your reconnection with …
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/23 07:23 PM
1

It's a really specific situation that you're in but if you strip it away some of the details you'll find some commonality. You talk about your ex. If you have the kids every other weekend and that's it then beyond the financial support that you're offering it's not taking up a lot of your time is that correct? So you have quite a bit of time on your hands. And you have disposable income to travel and do other hobbies or activities or date people and take them out to dinner? It seems like your fi…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/23 01:19 PM
1

This book? Dating for Men: A Guide for Attracting Women: Practical Advice from a Female Dating Coach Elsa Moreck https://amzn.to/43eW1n2
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 10:03 PM
19

There's not.. it's just the illusion of having something locked down. Their temporarily happier because you spend so much on the wedding and the vacations and all the stuff that you do the first couple years. Then it looks like you can buy a house and have kids and hit the few goals and then they're going to get bored and tired and blame you for everything and leave and take your stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 04:59 AM
3

Women divorce men All the time for the stuff that you're talking about. Men don't do it as often because when we get married commitment means something to us. we're not making decisions just base purely on our feelings
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 04:57 AM
5

When you think it's going really well and you just want to lock it down
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/23 03:41 AM
18

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're 10 years older than me and have been married 10 years longer and your kids are 10 years older than mine. But the exact same thing happened. My wife decided she was done with marriage and didn't want to go to counseling. She also denies that there's someone else. Like everyone we had some communication issues but nothing that seemed insurmountable. Like you I also wanted nothing more than to be a husband to her and to make her happy. The separation happ…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 02:53 AM
3

I wish we got to help you before you got here. Get some intensive care soon to turn things around and go back to get your custody. The kids need a dad who can be there. You're in a tremendous amount of unresolved pain still. And now you're transferring it to them.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 08:45 PM
3

This is really helpful Thanks for posting it because I thought maybe I would self-sabotage new relationships based on comparing them to my ex but if there's somebody that's much more attractive to me and the The feeling is mutual than that is incredible
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 11:17 PM
10

Women have attitudes for all kinds of reasons. They put on a show when it's beneficial to them such as customer service or dating or even at the beginning of a relationship but what you're seeing is them on their worst or just how they really are behind the mask
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 12:06 AM
7

I would have someone to talk to about this actually have multiple people to talk to about what you're going through because at the very beginning I kept it all to myself and went to Reddit to post a few things and I got all kinds of really good advice and bad advice at the same time and I didn't know what was good and what was bad. There are a ton of books on the topic of divorce especially written for men and what I find really helpful in these cases is to read those books and also join online …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/23 08:32 PM
5

This is really helpful. I'm in the divorce process I'm 40 and my career had stalled out and hers accelerated and I feel like that was a significant factor to our divorce because she has always held over me that she's a little more attractive or a little more smarter or something and finally her pay signifies that and forget the fact that we built a life together she is just constantly looking for the next best thing. I think she lost attraction over time because I was not superior to her in the …
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/23 03:21 PM
8

Same story here. She filed for divorce once she started making more money and dressing up/makeup improved. She maintained her figure after kids and always took care of her skin so she looks like she's in her early 30s even though she's in her late 30s. I didn't see it coming. She never married for looks - she wanted a man with more money and access to lifestyle. I couldn't keep up with her friends circle of women married to physicians and CEOs. She's going to marry a divorced doctor or something…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 04:28 AM
1

You wouldn't get to where you are today if it wasn't for your past and it sounds like you accept a lot of responsibility for what you've done and it's like you're trying to work on it. Great work on your flaws but don't internalize the story that your fundamentally unlovable or bad or whatever you want to call it these are just things that you told yourself and that's how you acted and if you could change those thoughts and beliefs then you can change your actions. Terms of losing someone and wi…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/23 02:32 AM
1

Love this "don't try to perform" advice. Definitely feel that. Also having the interior complete. I'm rebuilding, a metaphor might be a house,amidst this divorce process and I definitely feel tempted to rush the process. Who is going to ever check the shoe closet right? Your next partner will want to open the doors and check the finishes. They may or may not care that it's perfect inside but I know trying to sell an incomplete unfinished home either turns people off, or induces shame and hiding,…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 04:48 PM
3

Love this "don't try to perform" advice. Definitely feel that. Also having the interior complete. I'm rebuilding, a metaphor might be a house,amidst this divorce process and I definitely feel tempted to rush the process. Who is going to ever check the shoe closet right? Your next partner will want to open the doors and check the finishes. They may or may not care that it's perfect inside but I know trying to sell an incomplete unfinished home either turns people off, or induces shame and hiding,…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 04:20 PM
17

There is nothing wrong with you first of all you are experiencing grief and the loss relationship and perhaps you're feeling abandoned as well. Even if this is something that you wanted at some level You are still feeling abandoned because you didn't get the relationship that you wanted and deserved. That's right you deserve to be happy deserve to be in a loving relationship but you would prefer to be in a unfulfilling relationship then to not be in one at all. That's human nature that your aver…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 01:16 PM
10

You're experiencing a lot of feelings right now and it's not easy but there's growth in the challenge you're about to face. It takes a really painful experience for men to wake up and change.. because we love comfortable situations and what was happening was comfortable for you. Try to embrace the discomfort and figure out your core values and find the parts you love about yourself and find a way to connect your love for yourself, your values, and see if there are goals and things you've held ba…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 12:22 PM
5

This comment is so true they literally host divorce parties and single mom empowerment basically support the dissolution of a marriage. Rarely do you hear a woman take accountability for initiating a divorce even though 80% of them do the divorce . Marriage is just a long-term relationship that offers additional rights and benefits to a woman at the man's expense. If you can get a long-term relationship from a woman then just have that because they don't treat the marriage certificate as anythin…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 03:52 AM
1

Absolutely. They say it's a loveless marriage but you got to see what they did to create that dynamic they won't own any of it and they won't do anything to fix it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 05:03 AM
10

Sometimes the love you put into the relationship shows up elsewhere
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 07:04 PM
7

You are a decent human being who has empathy for people who you care about. Even people who do you wrong. Even those who wouldn't reciprocate the same level of concern. I'll be honest, at times I've been so angry I've imagined my stbxw experiencing same emotional pain I'm in now. It doesn't bring me satisfaction seeing other people suffer. It helps even a scorecard but I've never been a person to keep score
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 12:30 AM
0

It's going to be a miserable time for you but never heard of someone choosing money over their kids and being happy with their decision in the long term. I mean if you have to do it you have to do it You have no choice but sounds like you have a choice here and it's just not convenient to you. Have faith and keep working at it and hopefully something works out for you where you can be in your children's life
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 04:20 AM
12

What she means is that she wants to be civil and have no fight. At least that's what my stbxw wants. Because a fight or a conflict would make her have to experience negative emotions about her decision which she normally bottles up and shoves away. There's not going to be a friendship after this. Yes I will co-parent with her because I have to. I will be a decent person to her just like I am with other professionals in my line of work. I loved her and she cast that away and during that process s…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 04:16 AM
7

I'm in the same place you are except she wanted separation in January and filed earlier this month. She's out with friends tonight and she still lives in our house with our kids in a separate room. Normally I don't care what she's doing but tonight I'm wondering if she's actually on a date with somebody. I've worked really hard not to care about what she does and who she does it with. I've removed her from my social media contacts but I still have a lot of photos from her in the marriage and Goo…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 03:51 AM
2

It's someone you were intimate with and you still care about them at some level. Because you also had kids with them. And it's also because when you married them it was a big deal for you because you had your own work you never knew you needed. You know I felt the same jealousy with friends of mine who spent less time with me because they made new friends. That was back in elementary and middle school. There's emotional maturity you and most men post divorce need to get past. It's normal to feel…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/23 02:55 AM
24

We've been sold a myth about what it takes to make a relationship and a lot of what men do is they give up who they are for the sake of the relationship they are martyrs in the sense of sacrificing identity and a sense of purpose and everything that makes us attractive in the first place because we are trying to make someone happy and the person we're trying to make happy is usually a woman who doesn't even know what it is that she wants out of life. And so when she wants to break up with us she…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/23 09:20 PM
2

You're an inspiration!
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 04:53 PM
16

It carries a stigma. For men, the assumption is they cheated or were abusive. Or they didn't honor their commitment. Honestly it applies to the women as well Divorce is failure according to society.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 04:25 PM
8

Pain can change men. Hope you're able to sit with the discomfort and continue your progress. I lost 30 pounds since the separation. I hope to exit this being in the best shape of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 01:09 AM
11

Blame and accountability are two concepts that get mixed up. Were there things you were accountable for? Absolutely. Was it your fault or do you deserve blame? Usually not. Nobody is perfect. But you don't have to be perfect to have a relationship. If you tried and they quit before you could address your shortcomings that's out of your control. Accept that you can't control the results. And accept that they're doing what they think is right for them even if it is probably objectively wrong. That…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 01:06 AM
5

Get out as soon as you can afford it. She will probably beat you to the punch. They tend to be the one to file first
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/23 02:40 AM
5

Yes but there are a lot of attorneys and many charge for a consult. Even if you live in a small town there are lawyers from 6 hrs away that will work the case. This only works if you do it in a place without many lawyers in the entire state like Alaska
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 07:29 PM
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