Overcoming Approach Anxiety

Reader:  In your most recent blog post, you mention that men in general should make the first move. I agree with this about 90% of the time. Men really should be the pursuers. After reading your blog and some of the more men-centric blogs (namely Chateau Heartiste), I’ve come to realize more and more of myself that I need to either work on or emphasize.

That being said, I get significantly nervous when attempting to make a move on a woman I’m interested in. If I don’t care too much about the outcome, then I’m loose enough and things actually work better. But when I care about the outcome, I get nervous and feel awkward and have a difficult time making the move. I know if the woman made a move, then my nerves would just melt away and then I’d be back in control . Time and time again I’ve had this happen to me. I know you’re not necessarily in the business of giving advice to people out in the dating marketplace, but do you have any recommendations? Things that a 30/70 alpha/beta could actually do?

Thanks man. I appreciate it. While I got to your blog too late to save my previous marriage, I still value it immensely, especially as I go about finding the woman that will reap the benefits of my MMSL-induced improvements.

Athol:  My advice to overcoming approach anxiety is:

(1)  Approach any and all women you meet and engage them in conversation without any intent to convert that into a phone number / date / sweaty horizontal embrace. The goal is just to have an enjoyable interaction with them. Even if it’s just a few seconds long, it’s not a problem. Don’t lurk places waiting for women to cross your path, just if one does, be engaging for a few moments and see where it goes.

(2)  Understand that there is about a three second delay between considering approaching an attractive woman, and the anxiety kicking in. It takes time for your body to process the need to be anxious and actually start releasing the hormones to make you start panicking. Once you’re actually engaged with her though, the anxiety doesn’t tend to kick in. So you literally have a three second window between seeing the pretty girl, and starting to talk to her, before the anxiety starts So become impulsive about talking to women.

(1) and (2) work together very well. See a woman, say hi. Nice shoes…

Also (3), Work on your physical fitness and muscle mass. This doesn’t sound like a direct method for dealing with approach anxiety, but it really is a useful thing. Approach Anxiety is basically the flight or fight reflex, the fear creating the anxiety isn’t so much the potential of the her rejecting you, but your Body Agenda prepping for dealing with an Alpha Male making a beeline for you and giving you a warning off punch in the face. So you’re prepping to either fight the guy, or run from him. Adding physical strength makes your Body Agenda feel more confident about winning a fight, so it feels calmer and more confident about approaching women. Women of course directly sense your confidence, and having confidence makes them evaluate you as more of an Alpha Male yourself. So it’s a positive feedback thing.

Repeat approaches also build confidence.

All in all, you just have to approach, approach, approach.

Oh and don’t underestimate this as a skill for husbands to have either. A fluid interaction with an attractive woman in front of your wife can go a long way with sparking your wife’s interest in you. Note I said “fluid interaction,” as opposed to “hit on her like a drunken idiot.” If you need a basic techinque for this, compliment her on something, and then redirect your attention to someone else fairly quickly. Don’t give the other woman her three seconds of attention lock-on after the compliment, that will put her shields up and your wifes too lol.