This time of year, and today in particular-New Year’s Eve-is one where most people look back, not only on the year that’s passed, but also over the arc of their lives up to this point. It forms the basis of New Year’s Resolutions and the like, moving forward into the New Year ahead.

Since that’s the case, and since ABC’s Nightline program recently focused on the perennial issue of why successful Black Women can’t find a “good” mate, and since I’ve grown way passed tired listening to all the solipsism common to the Female Mind no matter how well “educated”, I’ve decided to do a Morpheus and dispel the Matrix-like illusions so many of my Sistas are operating under. Strap in Ladies-you’re about to take the Red Pill…

Several years back, a film called “Something New” came out. Starring Sanaa Lathan and Simon Baker, it was hailed as a kind of cinematic triumph for Black Women, who could find love across the color line just as well and easily as any Brotha. I personally found the movie chockfull with contrivances and conceits which should raise the eyebrow of anyone who had a pulse-like the main premise of the two characters. Lathan is a high powered corporate type, who can’t find any Brothas “on her level” (what Black Women mean when they say this is: same education, job, income, status as herself or very similar), and one day runs into Baker, a free-spirited landscaper. After a bit of rigamarole, they hit it off an the rest as they say, is history.

OK, I get the whole suspension of disbelief thing, but any Brotha who’s been alive for any length of time can and will tell you, that such a premise is WHACKED, and NOT consistent with reality AT ALL-I mean, a Sista like Lathan’s character, going in for the landscaper? I mean, take race out of it, and really think that one over for a second. Uh, yea, riiiiiight…

This alone, rubs up against realworld realities-how many Sistas of Lathan’s character’s class can be heard not only to defiantly “refuse to settle”, but to also putdown Brothas who share a more modest work profile like Baker’s character? To ask the question is to answer it. So right off the bat, the film’s premise is booty.

But then we get to the good part-that the guy is WHITE. This is a major area of concern for many Sistas, largely fueled by the fact that at least some Brothas can and will exercise their mating options-which often don’t include Sistas. While the whole thing is overblown in importance-only about a quarter million marriages exist today between White Women and Black Men-still it has huge weight in the minds of so many successful Black Women; Hell hath no fury, like a Sista scorned. Lathan getting with the attractively handsome Baker, is a kind of thumb in the eye to the idea that only Black Men can play that game; you go grrl!

Well, again, in the words of Cedric The Entertainer, “stop right there”-there’s some very good reasons as to why Black Men have always had an easier time crossing the racial lines when it came to love or just getting some-and they ain’t entirely what Sistas think. Moreover, there are reasons-deeply politically correct reasons-as to why the “Lathans” of the world, still have a hard time following suit. Let’s examine all this, shall we?

1. Successful Black Women are Elitist Snobs: this is absolutely true. No one wants to say it for various reasons- non-Blacks can’t say it lest they be tarred and feathered as a racist-sexist Black Woman hater; Brothas themselves can’t say it lest they be labeled a sexual loser who “can’t handle a strong Black Woman”, and so on. But the truth is, that one major reason why so many of these Sistas are alone, isn’t because they can’t find good Black Men; it’s because their standards and “lists” have effectively priced them out of the Black dating market. As anyone with a working knowledge of economics knows, there’s a limit to how much you can “charge” for your products or services in the markets before you just make yourself too damned expensive to deal with; when that happens, “customers”-in this case Black Men enmasse-begin to shop elsewhere for better deals. Being all that doesn’t mean much when no one wants what you’re selling-which explains a goodly part of what’s going on with a lot of Sistas today. Every Black Man reading this can and will tell you of such a Sista turning down an otherwise good Brotha, because he didn’t go to college, make six figures or has a fancy title. In truth, these Sistas never did care all that much about character or for that matter, love-they cared about appearances, money, and living the socalled “good” life-all of which are perfectly within these Sistas’ rights to do and have. But they need to stop blaming Black Men for having the audacity not to live their every waking moment grooming themselves to be the Sistahood’s Prince Charmings. Going to school, getting into crushing debt, and slaving away in some cold corporate or quasi-governmental edifice aren’t the only ways to live a life-and as more and more Black Men wake up to this reality, they will, in ever-increasing numbers, reject this “paradigm”, as has been happening now for sometime.

Yea, yea, I know-”Blue Collar Brothas” aren’t “evolved” nor want to be-fellas out there reading this, how many times have you heard THAT trope? Come on. I personally know Brothas who never set foot in a college, but are MORE knowledgeable about the world around them, than the VAST majority of Sistas I’ve known who’ve attended the best uni’s this country’s had to offer. One of my best friends is a walking encyclopedia of information, among them Jazz, and not the “smooth jazz” fluff that many Sistas think is sophisticated-I’m talking about Louis Armstrong right through the height of the Bee-Bop era – ALL sef-taught, which, when you really stop to think about it, is a proud tradition among Black Men. To date, I’ve yet to hear a “sophisticated” Sista come anywhere close. And don’t even get me started on History, Politics, Current Events…the list goes on and on. In fact, it really makes one ask what the heck were they doing all those years in college…but I digress…

This same Brotha is one of thee kindest, morally upright Men I’ve ever known in my life. And yet he routinely gets shot down by Sistas who refuse to “settle”. I say the joke’s on THEM, since they usually go on to get dogged out something fierce by other Brothas “on their level” who figured out early on in the game, that they can pretty much set their price and do whatever they want with impunity. Of course, by then, “Black Men ain’t sh*t”. Yeah, riiiight…

The dirty little secret here, is that a lot of Sistas have bought, hook, line and sinker, into what I and some others refer to as the Matrix Mentality-that, if you go to the “right” schools, and get that “right” job, all or most of your problems will go away. I think it’s fair to say at this juncture, that Females are easier to “sell” on such notions than Males-afterall, it’s no longer Black Men voting with their feet, but increasingly White and even Asian Men, too. Guys know a sham when they see one, by and large, and many ain’t buying into it anymore. They have better things to do with their time and life-and notice how few of them ever complain. A lot of Sistas, now approaching midlife, are quite perturbed that the Matrix has not delivered for them, and like so many Women do, seek to blame others instead of first and foremost, taking a good hard look at themselves.

Sure, there are knuckleheaded Brothas out there-just like there are incredibly narcissistic, vapid, elitist, snobbish, selfish, loony headcase Sistas out there, too-especially those in the “high-powered” cohort we’re discussing right now. But that doesn’t stop Brothas from finding Love or Poon-my best friend I told you about? He has NO problem getting either, and not just from the Sistahood-there are plenty of Ms. Ann’s and Juanita’s who want his company, too. So, the Sistas who won’t “settle for less” end up ALONE in the end. I guess they missed that part of the class where the professor told them never to let the perfect be an enemy of the good.

Hmm…

2. Why Black Women Will NEVER Be As “Hot” An Interraical Commodity As Black Men: oh boy. We get to the really good stuff. As the film Something New trumpets, if Brothas can do it, so can we!-NOT. What so many Sistas-ostensibly smart ones at that(!)-fail to get here, is that there are very powerful reasons as to why Black Men are more sought after as dates and mates than Black Women…and it ain’t quite what they, or maybe even you, might think. If you can handle the raw truth, read on intrepid reader-read on!

2A: Black Women, like all Women, taken as a group, aren’t that interested in “dating/mating out”-there’s all kind of studies on this, look up the GNXP site for example. A lot of this has to do with offspring concerns, and so on. At any rate, Women determine who gets “lucky” and who doesn’t, so again, this makes sense. So, one major reason why Black Women enmasse haven’t dated out anywhere near Black Men have, is rooted in this factor alone-Black Women don’t wanna do it-but there’s another reason as to why so many more Black Men date out than Black Women:

2AA: BECAUSE OTHER WOMEN FIND BLACK MEN SEXIER AND ARE WILLING TO “RISK IT” TO BE WITH HIM MORE, THAN NON-BLACK MEN WITH BLACK WOMEN. Think about this for a sec-interracial marriage became the law of the land with the landmark Loving v. Virgina decision by the Supreme Court in the Summer of 1967, right? And, as you will recall, that was a marriage involving a WHITE MAN & A BLACK WOMAN. Yet in the four decades since that decision, the needle has barely moved on that score when compared to marriages and pairings featuring White Women and Black Men. Why? Because of what I said above-and because Black Men are seen as more “manly” by virtually all groups of Women, that’s why. White Women were willing to risk significant danger to be with Black Men-about a half-century before the Loving decision, guys like Jack Johnson had White Women under the threat of death (lynching, Emmit Till), yet that didn’t stop him from finding love/sex across the color line. Yet, in an age where no one can stop Sistas from doing the same, a lot of em talk a mean ame about “crossing over” but very few actually do so. The above reasons explain why, but there’s an even more powerful reason:

2AAA: Black Women overall, aren’t seen as feminine as White and/or Asian Women, by White and/or Asian Men. They simply aren’t. And no amount of “White supremacy” talk and the like, is gonna change that. Personally, I couldn’t care less, because I love my Sistas, always have and always will, even when they get on my Reserve Nerve. But I’m just sayin-the reason why, in aggregate, White and other non-Black guys aren’t falling over themselves trying to win the hand of the Sistas, is due to what I just said. Oh, don’t get it twisted, if they can, they’re down for a roll in the hay, provided no one finds out. But in the main, choosing a Sista as a public mate? To ask the question is to answer it. Black Women, as a group, travel a heck of a lot more than do Black Men, again, on average-one would think they’d have found quite a few White or otherwise non-Black Male lovers and mates by now. By all the yammering so many Sistas do, we cannot assume this to be the case. Oh, well. But, if this means anything, most Sistas ain’t really that crazy about non-Black Men either, for a whole host of reasons, so it all balances out. Thus, despite all the sound and fury, the bulk and mass of the Sistahood, ain’t goin’ nowhere. They want and love Brothas. They just gotta get out of their own way in order for the good ones to come into their life.

Conclusion: I’ve said it before, and it bears repeating-Black folks are the canary in the coalmine that is the United States of America. We, as a part of this nation, have always had to “keep it real” while our White “betters” could afford to indulge in flights of fancy, insulated from the harsh day to day realities we knew all too well. In a way though, a lot of Sistas are in the same boat as our White brothers and sisters so many decades ago-they too are living in a fantasy land, an illusion that can and will prove injurious, more to them than to any Brotha. We are now living in a time when more and more White Men will know what it’s like to be a Black Man-being locked out of the economy, opportunities limited, and just retaining your dignity becomes a daily struggle. And yet, with all that, Black Men have, overall, done remarkably well for ourselves. To be sure, there are many problems, and as I’ve always said, Black Women can’t nor should solve them for us. But Black Men have, I think, found ways to redefine themselves-ways that our White brothers will, in time, learn from us.

The challenge then, lies not on the Brothas’ side of the asile, but the Sistas’-it remains to be seen if they really are willing to let go of their pretensions and prejudices, and embrace Men, regardless of color, who don’t choose the uni campus and corporate life. It remains to be seen just how “strong” many of these Sistas are-more and more Men simply aren’t interested in being breadwinners anymore, and for good reason. It remains to be seen how many of these Sistas are willing to make adjustments in how a relationship-a true companionship-is defined, because in an age where Women don’t need Men financially anymore, money is no longer a player in the mix, now is it? So why focus on it? A Man who cares for you as a human being, who thinks you’re beautiful inside and out, who is a witness to your life, those are things they don’t teach you in college, or can learn on the job, or can purchase at Neiman Marcus. For my part, that’s what I think this whole societal meltdown is teaching all of us, to focus on the things that really matter in life. Seen in its best light, that’s what the meaning of “Something New” is really all about.

Wakeup Sistas. The world you live in is a fantasy.

Now adjourn your asses…

The Obsidian