Signs of abuse (Dear Abby)

AyeMatey · 2011-03-28T20:45:49+00:00

When I was still married, my (now) ex started going to a women's support group. This was on the advice of her attorney, although I did not know it at the time. The "support group" was really a VAWA-funded Women's DV shelter. One day on the desk in the home office, I noticed a sheet of paper - it was similar to this list, but as I recall it was "signs of an abuser". At the bottom of the list was one of those lines like "if you said YES to 3 or more of these questions, you are with an abusive man."

The questions were pretty much the same as the ones in the Dear Abby column. Nothing really outrageous. All things we could probably agree on, as signs of abuse, or at the very least, very poor treatment.

Then I saw her pencil markings next to the answers. She had written "yes" next to nearly all of the questions. They were all "no's" in my mind, but she convinced herself they were "yeses".

Some examples:

she wrote "yes" next to "Does he interfere with your personal relationships outside the marriage?" I have no idea what this could have meant except that I insisted that I could not tolerate her affair with my former friend. She had her own friends, I did not insist on having a relationship with her friends, I did not inject myself into her friends, although we also had mutual friends, some of which she knew originally, and some of which I knew originally. I did not "prevent her" from relating to her family or girlfriends in any way; every year she had a girl's weekend away, she'd visit her mother, and I never questioned any of it.
She wrote "yes" next to "Does he restrict your finances or control you financially?". Once again I have no idea what this might mean. She was free to choose to stay at home, which she did. She was also free to get a job, which she elected to NOT do. She controlled the checking account. All I did was make money, which was direct-deposited into the account. I guess she thought I wasn't making enough, and that was somehow infringing on her rights as a person.
She wrote "yes" to "Does everyone else think he is charming?" This was really one of the questions that proves the man is an abuser. How can there be any redeeming answer here, I don't know. The fact that our mutual friends and family thought well of me, is somehow proof that I was abusing her.

The list went on and on, each penciled answer more baffling than the last.

What I concluded is that this list did not constitute a bona-fide effort at inquiry. The DV shelter is there to convince the woman that she is abused, facts be damned. The list is a mere tool of persuasion, a sales/marketing aid. The wimmyn who run the shelter know the answer - the woman wouldn't be at the shelter if she were not abused, right? Once the woman agrees with that view, and properly dehumanizes the man, she will stop at nothing legally in her attacks against the man, fully justified in her belief that he deserves what he gets (or rather, deserves what he loses as a result of her accusations). The courts are behind her 100%.

In the actual events, my ex thoroughly convinced, first herself, then a judge, that I had been abusing her for 14 years of marriage. This fiction won her 100% custody of the children, all of my belongings, the house, and more than 55% of my pretax income.

Be careful out there, fellas.

Bobsutan · 2011-03-29T04:04:37+00:00

Hell those 'signs he could be an abuser' look like standard behavior for most women I know.

deathsythe · 2011-03-28T18:05:27+00:00

I guess I'm a potential abuser then (I've never raised a hand to a female in a threatening manor in my life, my mother raised me proper).

I'm guilty of...

2- Jealousy
10 - Playful sex
12 - Gender Roles

Regarding #10 - Every single one of my partners since high school REQUESTED/enjoyed this, I will take no blame for that kind of behavior.

Regarding #12 - I'm a traditionalist conservative and still believe in the nuclear family (even though it is pretty much dead unfortunately).

Title	Signs of abuse (Dear Abby)
Author	kloo2yoo
Upvotes	6
Comments	13
Date	March 28, 2011 5:39 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/gd9wv/signs_of_abuse_dear_abby/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/signs-of-abuse-dear-abby.1041671 https://theredarchive.com/post/1041671

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