Crosspost "My Story" from /r/BPDlovedones:

Oh my days... I've just found this sub and I am in floods of tears reading these posts... finally, I'm not a horrible toxic male! people have experienced the same things as me and I hope this doesnt sound bad given the experiences you've all had but I am so very happy that others have experienced this too...

I spent 2 years with a girl with BPD and she destroyed me completely... she was, by her own definition, a militant third wave feminist activist too... everything was wonderful at the beginning, until she lost her house and moved in with me(big mistake)... I did everything i could to make sure she had everything she could want and everything was great for the first few months until she decided that "her meds were making her Ill" and stopped taking them then any softness or intimacy didnt just dry up, it was responded to with viciousness and anger... I became the personification of the patriarchy in all its villainy... that's when it all became an abusive emotional blur... I tried everything I could to solve any problems she saw but it was never enough or my motives were wrong or my wording wasnt eloquent enough or any other number of reasons why I was always the bad guy... she became someone else but I still loved her and in a lot of ways still do... I began to dread going home and I started to change as a person, I began to get angry when I was alone, I'd go out into the woods to shout at trees to get it out of me because any sign of displeasure in front of her would cause a torrent of verbal, emotional and physical abuse lasting hours to weeks at times... one day after 11 days of constant verbal battering I beg her to stop and she shouted no and carried on... I dont know what came over me when I stood up and smashed my own face through my wardrobe door just so I could justify the pain for once... i donr know why i did it... I got an extra job, and then a third, all so I could justify not being there... i worked every hour I could find, surviving on 4 hours sleep a day, provided she let me, for around 14 months... I still work 3 jobs now almost in a comfort zone kind of way...

she finally left after i spent the final 5 months on my sofa while she had the rest of my 3 bed house with various guys off OKC coming and going... 2 years later after I've met someone else, my then partner cheats on me in a 3way with my BPD Abusive ex and her new boyfriend and at that point, something broke inside me... I lost my smile, I lost my drive, I lost my ability to laugh, I lost my sense of humour and I lost my pride in anything... all the colour drained out of the world... that was 4 years ago and I still work 3 jobs, sleep 4 hours a day and I still sleep on my sofa... I cant face the room we shared... I'm someone else now.

in 2019 I started training to become a counselor specifically to help other men who've experienced domestic abuse and in the process have given myself some counselling... last month I laughed, genuinely and for the first time in almost 5 years... it felt so good that I burst into tears in front of my mate, the only one who stuck with me through all this... I never cried so hard in the arms of another man before, I just fell apart in floods of tears while thanking him for making me laugh...

I miss her... but nowhere near as much as I miss the man I used to be...

I'm sorry, I havent told this tale to anyone bar my mate before... ive missed out so much here too though as it's all still a blur even now... thank you all for listening and whoever's created this sub, thank you so much.

Posted by Farrenkorr | 31 March 2021 | Link