Hi. My life was ruined by domestic abuse and I have been trying for years, off and on, to find help. I haven't been trying at all this year and I've relapsed deeply into CPTSD symptoms and depression. I saw this subreddit and thought that maybe it would be worth getting fresh opinions on what I should do, because I really don't know what to do.

I have a lot going in a 'if you ask more questions it requires exponentially more explaining' kind of way so I'll try and limit the scope of my issues to the thing that's on my mind now.

I have student loans that I will have to pay back at the end of the current loan moratorium. Paying back these loans feels like an enraging injustice. My loans were stolen from me by my ex. She took them to cover her own credit card shopping spree and swore, sometimes in writing, numerous times and over the years that they would be paid off in addition to other promises that everything would be split should we break up. They never were and went into default. This was part of a larger scheme of intentional financial abuse meant to strand me without her help.

The background to this is in a committed relationship I agreed to give up my career and education to be a stay-at-home boyfriend. I was a homemaker, and these loans as well as even basic living expenses were kept over my head as a form of coercive control. I had less than 200$ in my bank for years. I was completely dependent on this woman for everything and when she left in a flurry of false online accusations and trail-covering lies, she reneged on our agreement not only to pay the loans but to 'make sure I would be taken care of in case we break up'.

When she left she agreed that she would be paying me maintenance and that I could pay the loans off with that money. Then after three months she stopped paying, got a restraining order so that I couldn't talk back, and took all the money out of our joint accounts.

I tried calling for help in my area and it only furthered my trauma. I was so upset by the end of it. Me being male was a huge problem to the many DV advocates, legal services, etc. that I contacted. Everyone had suddenly 'run out of funding', redirected me to call other places that also redirected me to call other places, or outright began snarling at me for being male such as the legal advocate attached to the NW Justice Project did.

One of the biggest issues for me, besides that I'm poor, is that my level of fear and anxiety prevent me from doing things that I really need or even want to do. Yet, the victim advocates and case workers that are attached to people like me in order to help them overcome their fear of the legal system are being denied to me by services in my area (King County). This year, I am even worse equipped to deal with these things and I even received a call back from the NCFM and I was too broken up and afraid to call back. Time went on and I gave up.

Pro-Bono services require you to call them, this probably sounds stupid, but even trying to make such a call my legs will shake and I will become faint and upset for days. I hope I'm conveying why this isn't easy to me because I'm very aware that for a normal person this wouldn't be a problem. A complex issue made more complex by my own problems, and by the services in my area denying me support that is commonly given to victims of crimes that I suffered, such as sexual assault and domestic violence.

But, there's a part of me that never wants to give up. And I *really* don't want to pay back these loans. I feel confused still, and clueless. When I put time into researching this myself I find nothing that doesn't require me to expose myself to strangers over the phone and be terrified of it. Then I get upset and push the whole issue away for months at a time. Yesterday I was filling out a form from dvleap.org and realized that I had already filled it out before without every hearing a call or email back. Last year I planned to go back to college and of course, wasn't allowed to unless I paid back my defaulted loans. Even in the face of this rejection I still refused to pay them.

It's very depressing and I feel very hopeless and scared of what my future will be.

I'll stop here. If you have any ideas for me that would be great. I appreciate you just for reading this. Thank you. You can check my post history for further details if interested.