Hello.

About me

  • 21 years old currently taking a year off to work.
  • White male from Europe, 5'11, 195 lbs at around 15% bf.
  • Currently living with my parents.
  • I make around 75,000$ before taxes.
  • I lift every day with rest days as needed.
  • Got a few plates with no wish or intention to LTR.
  • I own a car.
  • I have a two very close friends and a harem of less close, but good friends.
  • I consider myself and am considered a very intelligent guy.

Issues

I feel extremely disconnected with my feelings. I have been at many occasions unable to feel sympathy or even empathy at times I know I should have.

I am totally unable to look forward to stuff. If I am going on a vacation for example I feel no joy. I suspect this is because I am kind of a realist that has the thought; "there is no use in longing".

People are extremy inclined to tell me about their personal life, and I could not care less... When someone opens up I just want the conversation to be over, but I know how to act and they respond with more white noise. I can talk to someone for less than an hour and not spill any particular information about myself and they have already told me that they were abused by their father as a minor. The man who told me this is a well-educated, 40 year old father of three and here he was, telling me this.

I very rarely open up for anybody. I can not see the benefit in me telling a friend of mine that I for example aced a test, am going outside of Europe, fucked a HB9 or that my grandmother just died. I tried to share a few years back with no improved quality of life.

I do not miss people. My girl and/or friend can be gone for months and I will not miss either. I see my father maybe one to two times every second month, still nothing.

I am oddly interested by watching videos of people or animals getting killed. It does not phase me at all, but I of course think that I should not enjoy it, and that worries me a little.

I often ponder about what the meaning of me existing is. The reason for this is that I feel no happiness, everything seems like a struggle. I feel at ease when I have been vacating, because I really let myself disconnect and stop thinking. As for happiness I try to notice when I feel it, but it is often just a feeling of "meh".

What I crave so badly is to feel a sense of fullfillment, that I can have motivation to keep on living and enjoy my existence. Even though I would not consider myself depressed (I have of course not sufficient competence to diagnose depression), I have kind of accepted that if I am unable to find what makes me inherently happy and this path is too much of a hassle, I will just waste me. The thought of killing myself is not scary at all, the only thing I feel holding me back is the instinct our species have to fight and the fact that people that care about me would dislike me dying.

Never had any kind of anxiety. Had a normal adolescence. I love being alone. I hate the thought of being a corporate slave working from 8-16 every day, come home, eat, exercise, do whatever, then go at it again autopilot style.

Dreams

I have upon recently not had any kind of ambition, but that has changed sligthly. I would love to move to the states, get a work permit and residence permit. I am for whatever reason drawn to occupations like bodyguard(!), police, firefighter, hitman(yeah..) or a bouncer. I think money is something that could make me happy, so it would be a profession where there is potential to make a lot.

Is there something wrong with me? I know regular people feel a lot more than me, but is something wrong?

Should I go see a shrink? I am in doubt of the usefulness, but I might give it a try.

Can anyone here relate to what I feel or can not feel?

Do you have any advices on finding a feeling of fulfillment?

Why do I display so little emotion?

Thank you all for taking your time to read through this. I will be actively updating/editing this post as long as someone is interested in more information like events or has questions.