I noticed recently that a friend of mine takes every bid for connection as an opportunity to pontificate his opinion. It got me thinking the difference between emotional dumping or sucking up all the oxygen in the room and sharing vulnerability or engaging in a thoughtful debate, and I realized that observing how your bids are responded to is a critical vetting tool for every relationship in your life - friend, coworker, manager, family, boyfriend, husband. It is the difference between feeling loved, seen, and heard vs an accessory or dumping ground for others' word diarrhea and compulsion to hear their own voices. For men in particular, how they respond indicates whether they have empathy, social awareness (holy shit so many men lack this), and whether they actually respect and care about you. Additionally, how he expresses bids indicates healthy boundaries, self regulation, and emotional maturity.

Below is a description of what bids are and a few links that give examples. Because bids are such a wide variety of types, there is endless opportunities for vetting and observation. Enjoy.

What is a bid?

Gottman refers to bids as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. They’re requests to connect. They might take the form of an expression, question, or physical outreach. They can be funny, serious, or sexual in nature. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help.

How does one respond to a bid?

There are three ways you can respond to a bid:

  1. Turning towards (acknowledging the bid)
  2. Turning away (ignoring or missing the bid)
  3. Turning against (rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way)

Why are bids important?

A tendency to turn towards your partner forms the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life.

As part of his research, Dr. John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds, then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples remained together. Many divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing: Turn Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time.

What happens when bids are ignored?

Gottman found when couples break up, it’s usually not because of issues like big fights or infidelity. More often, it’s a result of the resentment and distance that builds up over time when partners continually turn away from bids for connection.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/