That’s it. That’s the post.

Well, pretty much lol. My 3 y.o. son is currently being evaluated for special education services and it’s been ongoing since the end of January. Husband and I are both special education teachers and although we do this stuff (testing, writing IEPs, check for deficits and progress) for a living and know educational law inside and out, its a whole new world applying it to our own kid. We’re finally making headway and getting the actual tests done along with their results and we’ve learned that our boy is delayed in a number of areas.

I’ve been very roller coaster-y with my emotions since tthis whole thing started, whereas my husband has stayed pretty quiet and “lets let the chips fall where they may and re-evaluate once we have results”. Up until now, as we are getting results and hearing what the evaluators have to say. Although the delays our son is showing are only considered borderline average and low average, he is having a hell of a time coming to terms with it all. Our son is our first child (we also have a 1 yo daughter) and so this is the first time we are going through anything like this.

It’s hard. It’s broken our hearts to hear that our friendly, fun, loving, curious boy struggles with things that should come easily to him at his age. Its hard to imagine him having difficulty in school. I also worry about his self esteem and confidence, even though I know I’m totally getting ahead of myself.

I’m trying my damndest to be strong for my family, for my husband, and our son. There are times when I want to call the preschool teacher who was the catalyst for requesting an eval (she treated our son horribly and was beyond indifferent towards him and us, literally shrugging and saying to us “there is nothing I can do for him” in a conference) and scream at her. I’m still angry that she treated our son the way she did but its in the past now. I want to blame my body for not having a “normal” birth and instead having to have an emergency csection from which our son emerged not breathing and blue. I want to cry when I think of him becoming frustrated or confused in the classroom or being sad about a low grade.

But I know that none of this will fix my situation nor will any of it promote positive change in any way. This experience has been a strong reminder that I must look for joy and hope in any nook and cranny I can find it. While acknowledging our situation in the realest way we can is necessary, we must also keep going and look for ways to improve the problem and combat it with whatever advantages we have on our side. Most importantly, we want our son to have high standards for himself, to know that he isn’t a victim, and to have the strength and courage to keep going, even if its hard or if his neighbor is doing the same thing faster/more efficiently/better.

It is hard. But wallowing in pity, anger, anxiety will only make things worse. And so I will do my best to stay calm, happy, and focused as we navigate this new chapter(book?) in our lives.