Hi, I’m a 18 year old college kid in australia. This isn’t supposed to be a “oh feminists tell men to speak more and they get rejected” agenda post, this just feels like a safe place to talk about this stuff with people who have probably experienced a similar thing :)

(I reached word limit on this post so I have to give TL;DR: I’m suicidal because of a shitty childhood, divorced parents, bullied, abusive ex girlfriend gave me trauma and some kind of paranoia and extreme mistrust of people, believing no one can be trusted as they are all fake. Many friend groups proved me right, I got suicidal and then this year happened:)

This year was my first year of uni. I met a new group of friends. They seemed really nice and kinda cool, a more me kind of group. 2 nerds, 1 ripped gym bro and 2 skater bros. Was a pretty good and diverse group and we did uni life together. We went out drinking for our first time together and all that fun stuff.

Anyways, to make this as short of a story as possible, the gym bro have off rapist vibes at the club, going on women he had no right to and were way too drunk to consent, one of the skater bros then decided to start hating me, then I kept seeing people being creepy at the clubs we were visiting (literal shit holes in the wall type clubs) and one day there I saw a guy try and lean on and grope a chick as well as all my mates intentionally trying to keep me out of the little dance group we had, then I got shoved to the floor by some dick, because they kept blocking me from joining the group.

I got kicked out by the bouncer when he saw me on the floor, tried to explain I got shoved over, they obviously don’t care. I lose all my good energy I had from the start of the night and immediately feel miserable, so I decide to walk to the beach. I felt an unbearable dread fall over me as I started to arrive to it, my brain began rushing at a million miles an hour and being 3am, alone in the pitch darkness with the sound of the ocean, I had non stop thoughts about how I wanted to kill myself, how I could do it, where I would do it, what would hurt less, etc etc. typical shit.

Anyways, I decide to sit in the park nearby and it’s just me and this one other dude who’s sitting in his car. He comes over and asks for a cigarette, I say I don’t have one, but he was acting kinda sus ngl. So I walked away. The dude got in his car and kept flagging me. He would drive up, slow right down then drive off. He passed me a total of 7 times. Heart rate pumping, I’m gonna die ironically suddenly I was scared for my life. I end up making it back to the Main Street with this dude following me. I turn a corner, he pulls up behind me on the street I came from and I decide to pull a “I am very badass” move and turn back around, look at him with his hoodie up in his little bogan mobile and give him the finger then walk off.

He stops following me, for the most part. Until I got near my street, I was looking around pumped up to shit in adrenaline and I saw a hooded guy come around the corner behind me. I break out in full sprint the last 800m home and frankly have a heart attack.

Anyways, I had messaged my dad the number plate of the car, where I was etc so there would be record if this dude tried to kill me, I messaged my dorm group chat to let people know where I am. This was a big fucking mistake as I now am forced to explain why I was at there to a bunch of people at my dorm and of course my family.

I hadn’t seen my family for a month or so after this happened (I was disassociating with friends and family, do I need to explain why?) but when I finally met up with my mums family again, we were going out to lunch with her, my step dad, my sister and my grandparents. Basically halfway through the day, someone brings up my little incident. My mum being nosy REFUSES to back down and constantly keeps asking “oh why were you out that late? Drugs? Huh? Drugs!!??! Doing a deal? For some reason this bitch always “believes I have so much potential” but then always also speaks like this, assuming I’m a mistake.

So I kind of get sick of it and say something stupid along the lines of “oh would you come off it ey mate? I was out there because I literally felt like fucking walking out into that water and not wanting to come back out again. I ain’t a druggie I ain’t a drinker, you know I hate that shit” I obviously fucked it, but the response was… bizarre. Mum made it about her. “You can’t do it because just imagine the people you would be leaving behind. Remember your mate funeral you attended a few months ago? Imagine how that mum felt losing her baby, that’s how I would feel having lost you. I wouldn’t be able to keep going if that had happened to me” Which if you want some advice on how to deal with a situation like that, is probably pretty insensitive to 1. Being up a dead mate 2. Pretend that I don’t understand the gravity of my choice.

Shit went back and fourth for a while but it was just stupid. It was stupid. My step dad got heavy in the voice, mum couldn’t speak and my sister kinda cried a bit, she’s just as fucked up as me and my other sister tho as she immediately left to go to the bathroom and just came back with a fake smile. Gotta love kids of broken families ey?

I seriously feel neglected and alone. I have no motherly love or anyone to give me a hug or any of that. Ever since that first girlfriend I have fucking YEARNED for the feeling of someone giving me a hug out of love and care. My body has this constant pressure to it as if it misses having someone holding me. It saddens me to say but I miss the comfort of my abuser. It was easier.

Oh and by the way, the only person to have contact with me since was my sister. It’s been 3 weeks.