Hello everybody, it's been some time and I wanted to say a few things that have happened to me the past 3 years, to hear some advice, discuss opinions, warn guys here about some stuff and to finally reach out. In a way it's more or less venting, I know some people will be judgemental but go ahead and speak the truth if you believe it's worth it.

So, I'll begin by saying a few things about my background. I grew up in a good family, I mean they have been good to me, I had a nice childhood but as I grew up I realised my now deceased mother had a lot of influence on me impacting me negatively on how I approached girls etc. in puberty. I also realised (but a lot later) I had no real meaningful relationship with my father, we interacted as little as possible until my mother passed away, and the two of us were left to move on.

Now as it is natural, being conditioned in this way I had zero success at dating until I was 18 or 19, and happened to be friends with a guy who introduced me to PUA culture. That was a turning point, I went to study far away from home and by year 2 I started slaying and growing lots of social circles, worked in a nightclub and I was in it for the next 3 years until I came back to my hometown. Then I discovered TRP, around 2017 was the time I started lifting often until 2021, I entered my second LTR, this time with a girl I had lots of fun and endearing moments with for 2 years, until the signs of my altered behavior caused by grieving of my mother's death were noticeable. I would end up becoming enraged, abusing drugs and lashing out at people, including my then girlfriend. Fast forward quarantine hits for the second time, and I break up completely. A few months in and I decide to join the military as I would have to sometime, since it's mandatory where I live.

Shit went downhill from there guys, I had started smoking lots of pot since quarantine started and I didn't want to stop. While I was in the military, first things first I had to "hide" obvious signs of my marijuana use as it could get me in trouble. I had to avoid getting tested for drugs at all costs, so I put on a show. In general, as privates we had to lie our way out of many troubles when it came to the military and we also had to be careful, not to get caught slacking off or anything etc. forcing us to be obedient and mindful of our behavior is a conditioning process in my opinion. Sometimes I waited days, even weeks to see civilization. The military did a few good things like making me patient, when everyone of my friends were out doing things and living the social life, I was forced to be locked in and spend nights in a row doing things for people I didn't really like. In a way, it set me free of the idea that everyone is doing great, and took down the fake facade many people put on social media to show their lives are interesting all the time.. I realised time is important and that I didn't really miss anything important out there while I was in doing my service, a thing I failed to understand back then though. The mili also broke me in many ways, I got used to lying, became more passive as I often wouldn't bat an eye for madhats or situations that arised in there..Meaning I let others hash it out without getting involved since I had to remain as neutral and avoid attention as much as possible. I also had a lot of time to kill and many nights being forced to be alone, I noticed that a lot of things that were just problems to me a while ago, I had started thinking much more about them so I ended up thinking what messed up shit I have done in my life, the people I hurt, what I did to some and said to others, how I could have acted more like a human being and less than a narcissistic dark triad, since this laid to short term relationships with people and it had made me treat everyone the same and be cruel.

If you have ever watched Stanley Kubrick's "A clockwork orange" you'll know that I had a similar "changing" or nature "altering" experience, as I see it. I feel as I if something similar to whatever happend to the protagonist also happened to me. I conditioned my-self to be humble, seeing people having families with health problems be in there and serve the country as the state took away their right to be close to their loved ones and take care of them, I became more sensitive. Some older women helped me throughout the course, by giving me lots of days off without my request since they had seen me cleaning up a room that everyone else refused to clean, I did it because I was bored, but they noticed. Some other guys also helped me when I almost got sent to the hospital for drug testing, and all of these things eventually made me have more empathy.

1.5 year later, I have finally finished dealing with this shit but now being a free man I see that I've lost at least 15 kg of muscle, went through depression, went through a stomach nausea-related psychosomatic problem for 6 months, started being more "gentle" to people because of the shitty military conditioning and then some people went to the extent to try to threaten me, or blackmail me, they were all friends and some of them close friends I had in the past. Unbelievable right? The ones I thought were supporting me now tried to abuse me and explicitly showed they wanted to betaise me and take the status of the Alpha male (I am not boasting here I am just saying I could clearly see they were jealous of my past accomplishments as they mentioned some in a demeaning way when we talked). I live in a small town, so I can expect competitive behavior but I didn't expect it from people close to me. Some guy also tried to jump me and I ended up punching him in the nose out of reflexes, he then said he wanted to "prank" me. I realised I have toxic people around me, I can't easily set boundaries anymore, and I feel scared to the idea of being more explicit and aggressive than the average Joe. Ghosts of the past recently got dissolved and stopped weighting me down, I also traveled to visit my best friend back from when I attended university, and it helped me feel a lot better ever since, I started going to work again and had a few close-ins with some pretty girls. I really want to fight this "good guy" crap taking over my mind, and start being more impulsive again. Is it also the fact that I'm growing older? I definitely need to quit fapping and join the gym again. I feel as if my test has depleted to a point I'm no longer so much interested in sex or socializing with people during some days.

Do I need professional help? Can I make it out of the shitpool on my own? What's your opinion?