Me and my boyfriend has been in a committed relationship since 2019 , we both are middler ( I mean in third year of college ) , I'm a emotional person and an overthinker , like a small fight and I start thinking that the relationship is about to end , He's much more calmer than me , during fights he goes silent because he knows that if he says something, that will hurt me , so he will talk only after some hours or even days , meantime even if I know this thing about him , I still overthink that him being silent means that he is done with me ( basically I'm my biggest enemy ) , he lives two hours away from me , we used to meet 2 to 3 times a month ( travelling expenses is a lil too much to be covered with just our pocket money ), until my mother came to know about our relationship and a huge fight ensued between me and my mother as a consequence of which we reduced our meets from 2,3 times a month to once every 2 months , mine as well as his love language is touch , we text everyday , we don't do facetime (because I still live with my parents and they're the strict ones who monitor each and every thing that their only daughter does) , and because of this every time that we do meet we end up having sex , I do know that this is not a good thing , but we both feel happy , content and cheerful after we have finally met and had sex , lately due to some family issues , parents have stopped giving me pocket money ( we usually put 50-50 for our meets ) , as a result of which we haven't met since 3 months , college life isn't going very good either , he did ask me a couple of times last month , but I turned him down as I wasn't having any pocket money and I didn't want him to put bear all the expenses , I did manage to gather some pocket money later on and we decided to meet at a particular day , I was so happy finally , I was hoping that seeing him , hugging him , would solve all my problems at least for the moment , he is currently having exams because of which he turned me down , he did have a valid reason yes , but I don't know why it just felt so hurtful , maybe it's just all that frustrations , college pressure , anxiety and overthinking that made it worse , anyways currently my mindset or attitude is to hurt him by not initiating any meets , I know it sounds cruel , like I want to hurt myself by hurting him , my heart do want to feel his touch , want to talk to him ( man that guy's smile, his scent and touch can solve literally every problem of mine and make me so happy and alive ) but my head is like 'no hurt him , tell him no next time he asks even if deep down you're hurting yourself ' .