Warning I will be talking about rape in this post. If your ok with that, please continue reading.

Hi, I'm OP. I'm a victim of rape by a female. I won't say how many times but it is over than 1. I'm over 18 and its happened more than once. It's hard for me to talk about it because of how much it's effected my head because my thoughts and what I do aren't really aligned. My thoughts tell me, "Why prove that I'm not bad to women when none have or ever will do it for you?" I know there's history and multiple other reasons to back up that claim. I don't expect them to actually care for my safety. Though something like that has entered my thoughts because of being raped. It's a trauma that can take years to fix and I'm scared it will happen to me again. It's difficult for me to be near any girls I don't already know and I'm constantly looking over my shoulder because of it. It sounds ridiculous but... I'm genuinely scared even if I don't look it. I can't look it anyways because I have to "BE A MAN!" Despite not wanting to. I mean, I don't give a shit for gender norms, you'll find me wearing pretty pink stockings 1 day with a cute hoodie and in a leather jacket sunglasses and looking like as much as a guy as possible the next.

My brother was a victim too. Worse than me. His first EX SA'd him more than 10 times... It was a disaster when we found out but now that woman just... Gets to stroll on free. So are the people who did it to me. Never gonna get justice. Nope. Never in a million years.

Yet I feel like my trauma isn't even taken remotely serious. I can't hit a woman if she's on me unwanted, I'll end up in prison. I can't defend myself if a girl is attacking me in public. I'll end up in prison. Who cares, I'm big and I SHOULD like it so who cares right? Its bullshit. I want everyone's gender related trauma to be taken just as seriously and equally no matter what. If a man has trauma relating to men who did something to them? Should be taken seriously. A woman has trauma because another woman raped her? Should be taken seriously. I got sexually assaulted? Say it with me folks, should be taken seriously. Is it? No. Because wanting that is supposedly sexist... Wanting everyone's shit to be treated equally because I want a chance to actually recover properly without seeming sexist for being scared of women and wanting an equal chance to heal from my trauma. I don't think trauma should be ranked by gender. It should never be.

Yet it is. I remember, how much I couldn't even HANDLE being around the person who did that to my brother. She would go to a hangout place a lot of people we knew went to and I hated her guts. Acted all high and mighty like she didn't do a damn thing. Some people who knew understood and actually didn't like this excuse of a person, while others knew and just didn't care that their friend raped someone multiple times. How!? Why!? Why the fuck is she allowed to roam free!? All of it angers me and I can't do a damn thing. I can't get angry at them because I'm a toxic male then. I can't voice these thoughts to anyone AFaB because they either won't get it or call me sexist. I can't get proper help in therapy because I'm too scared to even talk about this because my therapist is female and even in general I'm to scared to talk about it. Only my mom and boyfriend really know how many times and what each time was because I trusted them enough with it. My therapist knows I've ben SA'd before but not much about it.

I'm sorry if this sounded like a rant. I just wanted to get off my thoughts and what runs through my head being a victim of this BS...