I'm fairly unplugged and aware of the feminized western world. I'm 18yrs old and have developed a hateful attitude towards women. The reason for this I think is because of myself. I feel inadequate and have low self esteem. I feel this way because of many reasons but before I say those things, I'm pretty sure there is some beta left in me. I want to be loved by a woman, cared for and have genuine love between 2 people. I realize now that is near impossible for me. Maybe I want this because of my relationship w/ parents and my dysfunctional upbringing. I feel like there is a beta in me but I can keep it down and appear more alpha, but I know eventually I will have to deal with this. So I feel inadequate and it stems from a few things: 1. I'm short 5'7" 2. 5 inch penis and w/ my porn addiction feel inadequate. 3. Fat and fairly ugly but I feel as if I get in shape this wouldn't be a problem. These are the main problems I have and I just know if I didn't have them I would not feel this way. Plus I keep seeing my self-beliefs being reinforced by modern day young women. To sum up I feel like I will never be "loved" or be in a relationship with a women with my circumstances. So I've adopted a self-hate attitude which has evolved into a "all women are evil" "fuck women" "im mgtow". I DON'T want to be this way, I want to be intimate with women, I want to be kind and helpful but I've adopted this hateful attitude and don't know how to quit it. Well I do to some capacity, I've thought deeply about this for a long time. I could start with getting rid of my computer because of my porn addiction of 6 years, and no self control over it. Get a proper diet and start working out, and read a shit ton of books (which I've already been doing.). The problem is actually making the leap, I don't want to give up my self beliefs but idk. I think all of these problems are intertwined, a lot of fat = + estrogen = low t = fatigue, less masculine, less decisive, etc etc.

Would appreciate any feedback.