You may remember from such great hits as (insert links here) as well as other numerous appearances in throwaway accounts. I had been in an abusive and controlling relationship for five years. I ignored the advice, I pretended the abuse didn’t happen or that it wouldn’t happen again. I believed the mantra that I was worthless and she was my saviour. I endured the cycles of abuse.

What I am saying is that I allowed myself to be the victim. I allowed her to play me so that I appeared as the aggressor. It was that simple. I “gave a little”, I listened to those who suggested I needed to change, I was apparently a really bad guy. and this woman would guide me to salvation.

I could rant and carry on about her being the root of the problem, but thats not entirely true. To move on from her with any success it’s important that I take responsibility.

This is not me justifying her abuse, or suggesting I deserved the abuse. I just don’t want to let myself be tricked into thinking it won’t happen with the next woman I run into. I’d hope that what I’m saying might rub off onto somebody else.

If you let somebody change you - they will. And its that forced metamorphosis that kills you from the inside out. I’m of the opinion that this slow erosion of your “self” is potentially worse than any physical beating you might receive.

Find out who you are, fall in love with that person and BE that person. Screw gender roles or conforming to the roles imposed on you by your peers or traditions.You might be shunned by a few people, and times may get tough, but you’ll be happy as long as you know who you are and you’re comfortable with your “self”.

I’m free now, and man I feel relief because I’m no longer under unnecessary pressure. I feel a great happiness because I can go about rebuilding myself. I feel a good deal of fear as I stare down the challenges ahead of me, both known and unknown. Fortunately, I know without a doubt, that I WILL rebuild and endure whatever life sends my way.

Ahead of me is a rough road. Not just for me but for my children. Financially I’m screwed, child support will see me barely surviving. Emotionally I’m about to take on an embittered woman who has the full might and power of the legal system at her beck and call. I’ll have the weight of society’s expectations upon me, burdening me with the false guilt of abandoning my role as a father... as a man even. On top of it all I still have to go to work, stay productive, maintain employment, pay the bills. It will test the strength of who I am, at times I may fall and at times I’ll doubt what strength I have. But, damn it, I’m going to use all of that negative to push me out of this, I will demonstrate to my children that their own self worth is far more valuable and important than maintaining the happiness and standards of another.

Dammit, I’m angry. I’m that guy who gets back up after a beating, stands tall and administers a beating far greater in return.

From this I am smarter, not bitter. I am more IN control not easy to control. I am stronger, not weaker. From all of this I will be a better father because I will be happy. I know the tricks and traps ahead of me. Society will want me to be angry, violent even. Society will goad me into the bitterness of separation. Society has a label for males like me and I will be ridiculed if I don’t adhere to that label.

Fuck that shit. I am a man.