Meeting Father after 17 years

Quarkster · 2013-06-23T22:18:09+00:00

And a lot of the posters here would have much sought advice/perspective from the Father's side of this...

We've got lots we can tell you about what his perspective might have been, but every case is different. It sounds like you want to go in with an open mind and consideration for unfairness he might have faced. That's all I would really recommend.

Good luck.

EDIT: I would also advise coming back and asking specific questions after talking to him.

anon_and_on · 2013-06-23T22:38:42+00:00

I'd say you should go speak to the guy; he may regret what he did, he may have a perspective on what happened you never heard, he may just want to say sorry. Speak to the guy.

All the choices here are yours, just be safe as this guy is effectively a stranger to you. He wants to change that.

KRosen333 · 2013-06-23T22:52:16+00:00

Quarkster is right - we can't tell you 100% what will happen.

I will say I am proud of you though - It can't be easy for you. And I know you don't know what to expect. Please come back and make a new post updating us on what happened.

This is not off topic, this is very much what we are about here :)

I had a poor relationship with my father (he took my sister, I was with my mom, so ... it was strained) - One day he took me to a sit in restaurant, and we talked. For like an hour. Maybe more. It was really nice. I didn't even realize how bad I needed to talk to him. I say this, because it might be easier of you two have something to do while you talk things out. (I had not been as distant to my father as you were from yours however - so this might not work for you!)

Remember, even though you are an adult, it does not mean this will be easier now. In fact it will probably be one of the hardest things you will do in a while. And it may shake you to your core - it might make you think differently of your mother - just remember, things aren't always easy and they don't always make sense to anybody.

I don't think anyone wants to be judged for a lifetime based solely on the mistakes of their youth and their past. Goes for you, your dad, and your mom.

:) Good luck.

Innoova · 2013-06-24T06:00:13+00:00

UPDATE:

Actually talked to him a little bit now.. (Long messages back and forth)... He's very specific not to insult my mother... but has already noted a few places where she has been... "Incorrect"... and on relatively important topics... IE claiming he never told his family about me... whereas he pointed out his entire family knew my name, birthdate, birthweight, etc... and told me where my name came from... (A family friend of his family.)

And that my aunt, his sister... who lives less than an hour away from my mother... And DID know I existed, directly against what my mother said... (although he also acknowledges that she probably wouldn't have helped connect the two of us.)

And that his current wife has known about me since they met.

That he's pretty much never known how to find me, but wanted to... (Whilst also concerned about being pushy and forcing himself into my life if I didn't want...) Which is pretty much opposite of how my mother related his view of me...

rightsbot · 2013-06-23T22:14:19+00:00

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Tastysalad101 · 2013-06-24T14:09:38+00:00

You should go see him in my opinion he could be a jerk or he could be really nice either way you don't know unless you go see him.

2013-06-26T11:33:02+00:00

I seem to have only seen this topic now so sorry for the late comment.

While you dad might have been missing all this long you have a right to know him, he contributed to 50% of your DNA. A part of you is him (if you believe in nature over nurture). You joined the Army, so you already have something BIG in common and I wouldn't be surprised if has proud to know that his son joined.

No one can say whether you will have a close relationship with him or not, you could end up exchanging the annual Christmas phone call or he could be a fantastic grandfather to your future kids. You don't know the future. No matter if he didn't want to be a dad when you were a kid, he wants to be one now and that still counts for a lot in my books.

Innoova · 2013-06-26T14:45:54+00:00

Update 2:

My mother has some 'splaining to do...

A series of misrepresentations that I'm rather upset about...

I'm NOT an affair... They had an at least physical relationship for 6-9 months...

My father was friends/drinking buddies with her ex-husband (My brother's father)

I'm named after my Father's best friend, which I never knew.

Names I've heard in passing 'uncles' and such... were misrepresented... IE my 'Uncle Ruckus', was one of my father's close friends, not my mother's.

My father tried to keep in contact for 7 years, until his wife gave him an ultimatum, feeling threatened by my mother. (Which my father did acknowledge she was right to feel threatened, from his side at least).

My father wanted to marry my mother.

My Father DID tell his family about me... his entire family knows about me.. (which is something my mother specifically told me they did not).

And a few hundred other little details...

Granted, I'm not taking my father's word as gospel, but his version makes a lot more sense... and he acknowledges his own faults, and flaws, and bad decisions.

But there are some serious questions for my mother now... such as why she would perpetuate stories with such a psychologically fucked factor.

"Your father found out I was pregnant and wanted nothing to do with either of us..."

Her husband called my father's unit and they threatened him with Military Justice for adultery if he continued contact with her. (And he still did).

The difference in a 6-9 month relationship and an affair hook-up...

But, that's mostly it for the update... I've directly talked to him for a few hours now...

2013-06-24T00:07:20+00:00

because he does have a right to get to know me..

He doesn't, but you do have the right to choose to get to know him. Most people however would encourage you to at least meet him.

Innoova · 2013-06-23T23:15:32+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Meeting Father after 17 years
Author	Innoova
Upvotes	9
Comments	20
Date	June 23, 2013 10:13 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1gxjig/meeting_father_after_17_years/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/meeting-father-after-17-years.1170381 https://theredarchive.com/post/1170381

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