Fuck intimacy. Fuck all that BS. As someone with mild autism, all I really want in my life to ensure that my social life is taken care of for my mental health needs is being able to exist with people outside of some sort of overt shared purpose.

Like conversations where people are just relating on a human level never work for me. They only "work" if I go out of my way to forcefully relate to someone in a few one-on-one conversations following a social script in a calculated way. Once that "script" runs out, I can only exist with that person if we're constantly doing something together with an overt goal in mind.

By overt goal I mean meeting up to go to the gym to get ripped. With most conversation being observations about the work out. Or back when I was a kid, getting popular and the related efforts. Or back in school, for group projects, Or at work, for work projects.

I can't simply exist with someone simply as friends to hang out just to hang out and share in a human experience. I don't relate at all and my brain doesn't process information that fast. It feels like I have no choice but to view people as tools for a purpose because it's the only time I'm able to maintain the friendship on a conversational and existential level. Not for a lack of trying.

It's either a script that can only last for a few hang-outs if I REALLY force it, and then if there's no overt shared purpose as a mask, the friendship or whatever relationship I have with that person starts breaking down.

In group situations, this is even worse. It's a nuke on my reputation. I either fade away or if I try, I look desperate or try-hard (not in my head or insecurity but genuine observed actions and reactions without expecting the worst). So from a decade of experiences with the goal of changing, I've concluded that it's a lose-lose.