I recently posted about intuition and chronic trauma, and a very interesting discussion about the differences between fear and intuition came up. One commenter posted her own insightful experiences with intuition. She mentioned using destructive coping mechanisms to numb. That it’s important to pay attention to those behaviors bc it’s typically squashing your intuition. I think this is probably bc numbing helps to muddle or avoid the cognitive dissonance abused people experience when ignoring their instincts. Many people also said to them intuition can be a scream, that it isn’t always quiet.

I started to read further about self trust when healing from CPTSD and I think the fear is as important as the intuition. I’ve realized w cptsd Or sufferers of trauma, they’re so used to setting aside their needs in order to see the other person in a good light. This goes back to childhood and caregivers. If the person or people you depended upon for survival were dangerous, you had to live in a constant state of cognitive dissonance. If you actually were able to admit and understand the person taking care of you wasn’t safe, then you’d feel unsafe all the time and the body simply can’t function in a state of constant fear. Furthermore, family dysfunction plays a huge role in cognitive dissonance bc typically they will deny the reality in order to maintain the dysfunction. Your intuition as a child is therefore treated as an evil unwanted thing. A curious child will ask why there’s fighting, why daddy seems tense, and these observations will be swept aside or even punished.

The fear comes in bc the body KNOWS what it needs to feel safe and loved- even if you’ve never experienced that- it knows what doesn’t feel supportive especially if it was unsupported. THE BODY KNOWS what is threatening to your existence. Ppl w trauma will squash their intuition in order to maintain these unhealthy relationship patterns bc they were raised to have have the self respect or esteem to cut it off at first sign the person isn’t available for safe, healing and connected love. The fear will be there still. There will NO DOUBT be triggers w all serious relationships or friendships. But I think the key difference w the fear is whether the person is safe or unsafe.

This is something healthy or securely attached ppl know inherently. Ppl w attachment styles that are not secure will continue in unsafe patterns, for different reasons.

All people need to avoid unsafe people in relationships- romantic or otherwise. In work settings, or group settings, healthy or securely attached ppl will be able to intuit this, quietly, and go grey rock and remove these people from their focus except when they have to, or change jobs. Ppl w trauma or attachments that are not secure will struggle to understand the clear differences between safe and unsafe ppl OR will stay in it hoping to make an unsafe person safe. The fear will be present and prevalent throughout the relationship even if there are “good moments.”

Here are the clear concise differences between safe and unsafe people:

(Please understand this does not make a person bad all the time, it just makes them unable to be what is needed for a healthy relationship)

Unsafe ppl personally will gaslight, demean, belittle, deflect, avoid working on themselves, stagnate, demand trust, lie, defend, apologize w out change, believe they’re fine and have everything together, be self righteous and/or use religion as a means of avoidance. Interpersonally, they will make everything about themselves, avoid true closeness (this can include addictive behaviors, porn-use, gaming, workaholism), become more unstable over time, condemn others in their lives, have negative influence on those around them, gossip, flatter, resist freedom (can’t let go and will maintain control), and relate through uneven power dynamics (relationship will feel like parent/child or teacher/student roles)

Safe people personally will: acknowledge their weakness, admit faults, deal with their issues, EARN trust, grow, make changes to their behaviors, be OPEN to feedback, take responsibility, tell the truth, remain humble, and be spiritually minded as opposed to religious. Safe ppl interpersonally will focus on WE-(side note- some abusers use “we” as a means of control- the difference is clear when there are disagreements. Ask yourself if they are on your side- or battling your perspective), they are consistent, able to connect, forgiving, able to keep secrets and hold others truths sacredly, have a positive influence on others, confront when needed instead of flattering, relate as equals, and welcome relinquishing control.

I think all of us have some unsafe behaviors but if the majority of unsafe boxes are ticked, this isn’t about misperception of your intuition. If you’re questioning your fear vs intuition I’d say it’s a safe bet you’re gaslighting yourself or someone else is.

AND- if you feel you are constantly around unsafe ppl, or that you’re always in high alert, or mistrusting of everyone, even safe ppl- it’s probably time to look at the ways you yourself are unsafe and work on dissecting and healing those parts of you before attempting to date. Finding a trauma informed therapist will really help you to feel safe, find self-compassion and heal old wounds. Good therapists are trained to keep good boundaries and be emotionally attuned and empathetic. They can provide great healing opportunities. In these spaces your intuition and fear will be attended to, not relinquished, shamed or negated.

I wish you all struggling to be able to find and accept spaces and people who build you up and reaffirm your inherent goodness❤️