I grew up in a conservative somewhat traditional family with two parents my entire life.

I always believed in a hard vetting process before entering into a sexual relationship. 1) monogamy and commitment 2) respect. 3) reciprocity. 4)attraction

I refused to have sex with anyone until they met all three. I dated one ZVM guy for just over a year without ever having sex. He openly asked for oral but refused to reciprocate and found my female bodily functions as gross so no sex or oral for him.

When i met my last NVM ex he seemed very interested in my pleasure. He was insanely attractive. He got a hotel room and gave me really great oral after our second date. I gave him conditions before I'd have PIV sex with him. He met them within a month. He seemed crazy about me. I felt good with him and he was adamant about not believing in ever cheating because one of his exes did it to him.

Then all of a sudden after 2 years together he requested that we open the relationship. Keep each other as a main but have fun on the side.

I wasn't into it. I believed in one person. He kept promising to be safe always so he wouldn't ever cause me harm. He just wanted to experience parts of kink play that he couldn't enjoy with me.

But he kept pressuring..i kept telling him i had no interest in other guys. I didn't want to have sex with anyone else. I enjoyed it with him. Eventually he pressed on and in our 3rd year i agreed. As long as he and i were still actively having sex, i could agree to it.

Then i found texts between him and the girl he had hooked up with. And i broke down. And told him.it made me feel replaced. Like i didn't mean as much to him. Like what we had wasn't special. He kept reassuring me i was his most valued partner and he couldn't see himself loving anyone else.

A month later we took a break on his behest. He was frustrated with the relationship so we agreed to a month break with very low contact. I held him to it. Refused to cut it short. You're gonna set ultimatums, you better fucking feel the pain.

He spent the entire time begging me to cut it short and meanwhile started sleeping with a girl that very much wanted more (fucking duh! What the fuck did he expect)

You just have really old school traditional views on relationships. Sex really isn't big of a deal and neither is monogamy.

I felt like hot garbage. Like useless trash. I rebuilt myself during that month. Felt myself become stronger. When i finally let him come over to see me, I was dressed to the nines.

And it made him uncomfortable af. Said i was distant. That i looked old. Didn't like my clothes. Made me take off my fancy sweater before taking me out on a date.

So final nail in the coffin..

Covid19. Borders closed. Haven't seen him in a year. He started sleeping and hanging out with a girl 7 years younger than him.

But i told you that the one fucking condition i had was that if we're not sleeping together then you're not sleeping with anyone else! And that's exactly what you fucking did!

Oh i was a fucking fool. I let him make me feel ashamed of my own basic fucking values. He wasn't happy with the sex anymore because I stopped being a fucking porn former for him. Because I started wanting intimacy. Because I wasn't available any time he wanted and had an actual routine for sleep. He made me feel like it was my fault things died between us.

I am never fucking ever going to be with someone who so much as cuddles another woman. Fuck that noise.

I wasted so much fucking time in self doubt when my gut was being clear as fuck.