Setting Boundaries

throwingit_all_away · 2020-03-16T17:35:17+00:00

Here is what I call the Stop Fucking Talking To Me plan. And it has worked wonders for my attitude and helped my new relationships and such.

No more phone calls. No random text messages. Nothing.

Because I have custody, she was able to get a provision added to the final decree that I have to send her a weekly update email. So, on Sundays, I send her an email including any FYI I have for her and upcoming visitation schedule and a Required Response section if there are questions that require answers.

Monday night she replied and does the same. If she has any RRs for me, I answer them on Tuesday night.

The only other acceptable communication is ONLY in the case of emergency.

It is so much nicer and quieter.

N1c0lat0 · 2020-03-16T17:54:35+00:00

After posting, I wrote up a few:

Respect my time and energy by keeping communication on topic: i.e. parenting and associated subjects. If another sort of communication is wanted, make a request and accept the response whatever it is.
Keep the conversation respectful. No abusive talk, threats or harassment. If it happens I will put the phone down, end the chat or walk away. I will also then limit contact and report any abuse/threat/harassment to a legal advisor.
Don't send messages through the kids. Do not ask to use their phone to call me or send messages. Keep them safe from any conflict by not involving them and exposing them to harm.
If you have a dispute with me, speak with me not the people around me (family, friends, acquaintances). If you speak with others instead of me, I will contact them and ask that, in the future, they immediately direct you to me instead.
When there is a conflict, talk about it away from the children. It is not their conflict.
Do not contact my friends or acquaintances without checking its OK by me beforehand. Do not send messages to my friends or acquaintances without getting their permission first. Any abuse/threat/harassment will be reported to a legal advisor.
Personal issues: My personal issues are not your business, they are mine. Respect my privacy by requesting permission to speak about my personal issues and accept the response given, whatever it is.
Do not open my private letters.
Space: Home is where I live with the kids (while they still are young enough to be home) and anyone else I choose to share my home with. When you come to my home, you are a guest. It is not your home.

afried821 · 2020-03-16T19:19:53+00:00

Ex and I have 50/50 custody. We communicate via text. I know I enjoy and want to continue to get pictures, FaceTime and updates of what’s going on wi th my 2.5 year old and I assume she does too. So I think we’re both working under the assumption of mutually assured destruction. If one of us stops so will the other. So we generally just keep conversations strictly to what our son has been doing and what he has coming up.

Occasionally she will try to branch into topics about life or her family or apologies for how things ended. I just do not respond to these texts. She is stable enough that she doesn’t harass me or let me know she is upset I am not responding and let’s the conversation die.

I will talk to her about our son all day though. She is the only person who is as interested in the things he does as me

thefudmaster · 2020-03-16T20:49:56+00:00

Read “Say Goodbye to Crazy”. That book was a godsend after my divorce and now.

lemmingsrevenge · 2020-03-17T15:29:11+00:00

my ex was pretty nasty in her comments, I would not respond and cease communication when she launched her diatribe. It didn't stop her at first, but when the judge read her comments she got a reprimand. That did it.

Title	Setting Boundaries
Author	N1c0lat0
Upvotes	8
Comments	9
Date	March 16, 2020 5:11 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/fjof5z/setting_boundaries/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/setting-boundaries.1199811 https://theredarchive.com/post/1199811

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