How to fix things and start fresh after a year of hidden hurt?

itsmemaggi · 2022-04-25T11:02:42+00:00

What were you apologizing for? And what does he expect from you, going forward? It sounds like he's still being pretty cryptic. Honestly, it kind of sounds like he has you right where he wants you: desperate to please him and willing to do anything to "make it right." He needs to be clear on what it'll take to make him forgive, or you'll continue to make yourself miserable. A year is a long time to hold a grudge (and still be in the relationship).

2022-04-25T12:14:14+00:00

Idk the details other than what you said in your other comment but from what I do know, your boyfriend is getting angry with you because sometimes you…say…things that unintentionally hurt his feelings? That happens in a relationship. It just does.

And he’s also mad that…sometimes you bring up the past? Like he wants you to stop? Even though he can hold something against you for a whole year and never say a word about it until it blows up and you’re expected to accept that and grovel at his feet. Double standard, much?

Yeah I don’t say this often but consider dumping him, I don’t think he’s worth wasting more time with considering he’s apparently told you that you’ve already wasted one year of your life trying to be Girlfriend Of The Year to no avail, all because he is doing the “I’m not telling her what’s on my mind or what I need, she should just KNOW!” which frankly, is such a toxic feminine thing to do that for me it would almost be a sexual turnoff in the same way that a man who panics and starts crying if we get a flat tire would turn me off.

But my blatantly sexist preferences aside, here’s the deal: from the little info I have, he sounds like a manipulative asshole. You guys are in your early twenties. You’re not married. You don’t have kids. Why in the hell is he already silently resenting you? That’s like, “20 years into marriage, staying together for the kids” type behavior and he’s doing it when he’s 22. How is he supposed to be any kind of leader when he will let something simmer for a year while you break your back trying to please him?

If what you’ve been doing for the last year is not enough (and frankly it sounds like more than enough and like he’s manipulated you into a place where you think you have to grovel for his scraps) then nothing is going to be good enough. You’re not a mind reader. That expectation is topic. Never in the history of the fucking world has “I’m very upset about this thing my partner keeps doing or not doing. I’m going to not communicate about it, that should help!” ever worked. No marriage counselor, no relationship book, etc has ever said “spend an entire year silently upset at your partner, if they don’t figure it out, that’s on them!”

These are the best dating years of your life. If you’re dating to find a husband, this guy isn’t it. You can still be Girlfriend of the Year, but with a different guy who appreciates it. And he can find someone else, perhaps he resents you for good reasons that I’m not aware of, and needs to realize that it’s not something that he can get past and that it’s better for you two to go separate ways.

I’d seriously question whether you want to waste more of your time with him. Whether you choose to stay or not, don’t reward this behavior. Even if he’s mad at you for good reason, do not reward his year long game or even his short term game with trying to be “better”. This is a common thing that women do when men pull away. We try to make up for the distance by giving even more. I think Susan Venker talks about this in one of her podcast episodes. Pump the breaks on the wifey behavior because he’s not your husband anyways, and right now he’s not even acting like husband material. Instead of doubling down on being a great girlfriend when he pulls away, double down on self improvement and friendships. You will never regret doing that and it’ll also show him that if he’s doing these dumbass mind games with you in order to manipulate you into trying even harder to please him, that’s not going to work anymore.

jayval90 · 2022-04-25T16:30:07+00:00

This stuff is hard, so don't feel bad. You figured it out, so move on. Take the extra time you spent in that state of not knowing as a lesson that much more well-learned.

I certainly can identify with feeling a certain way, and feeling like it's not ok to feel that certain way (and especially not to express it). Especially when the issue is asking for more reassurance as a male.

You shouldn't assume that people always know why they feel the way that they do, even if they later figure it out and it seems so obvious after the fact. Use this as a springboard for more open communication.

(I always thought of him as the big guy who doesn't need this and he never expressed it)

All guys need this. The idea that this is nothing but an ego trip is cultural misandry seeping through your thoughts. Guys need reassurances and it's culturally unacceptable for them to ask.

2022-04-25T14:53:57+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	How to fix things and start fresh after a year of hidden hurt?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	9
Comments	7
Date	April 25, 2022 9:40 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ubh935/how_to_fix_things_and_start_fresh_after_a_year_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-fix-things-and-start-fresh-after-a-year-of.1210094 https://theredarchive.com/post/1210094

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