First off, a content warning, this is my story as an alleged perpetrator of sexual assault. The matter has already been addressed with the appropriate authorities, and as the individual in question, I am seeking to engage in a thoughtful reflection process and gather feedback regarding my account of the events.

I also understand posting to this sub will likely give very biased results toward me which I will try to keep in mind, and I invite you to keep an open mind and consider her perspective as well.

As a freshman at college last year, I hooked up with a girl. We had a quick conversation of boundaries, including comfort levels, limits and what we wanted to do during intimacy, agreed to say something if there was something wrong, and did not detail the extent of each specific action. I struggled to get hard so what we did mostly consisted of making out and I went down on her though didn’t get her to finish. We went to bed naked, though she put bottoms on. We both had a pretty bad sleep, especially me I think because I had never slept in bed with someone before.

When we both woke up we cuddled for a while. I got hard, which I was happy with because I couldn’t the night before, which was both morning wood and feeling more comfortable. I transitioned from the cuddling to rubbing it against her lower stomach. She was physically accommodating, and I was under the impression she enjoyed it; however I did not attain affirmative consent to do this. This went for maybe 15-20 seconds. She did not pull away, stiffen, or show any signs of discomfort that I could interpret. Instead, she seemed relaxed and engaged by moving with me as I rubbed myself on her lower stomach - it was like I was dry humping her and she was dry humping back. She also kept actively cuddling me for the however many seconds it went for.

Eventually we got up and went our separate ways. The day after we went for a walk and talked about what we did together, mostly because I wanted feedback for going down on her and how I didn’t get her to finish. I also explained how I believed I struggled to get hard without the assistance of morning wood just because I wasn’t entirely comfortable with her yet, though very much enjoyed the experience. The chat went well, and it was my impression the aftercare of the morning (the cuddling before and after the rubbing) was her favourite part, and it was mine too. I don’t believe either of us actually brought up the incident but she was definitely actively pursuing a relationship with me by holding my hand at the end and held no ill will.

We hooked up again the next week, which was initiated by her, and she tried the week after that but by that point I was feeling overwhelmed from my first fledgling relationship and didn’t want to. Then after a few more weeks of just talking I decided I couldn’t really feel that again, so I said I didn’t want to keep getting close anymore because I had lost my feelings for her and didn’t want to lead her on any more.

We didn’t really talk very much for 9 months. I had expressed I wanted to still be friends because I really liked talking to her but even after a while to cool down we never talked properly again.

Then after about 9 months I got a call from the boss of the place I was staying and they said I was being informally accused of sexual assault – that what happened in the morning with the rubbing was completely unconsentual, she had felt very uncomfortable while it happened, and didn’t realise it was assault for about 7 months. I had completely forgot about the incident in the morning, but my explanation was that I was under the impression that everything we did was consensual.

Now some months later most people who will find out have found out. I kept the circle of people I talked to about it close, though she has told many people and the story eventually spread. I’m not sure exactly what people know but I have lost many friends who I wasn’t close enough with to have either told them or they didn’t ask questions about it before jumping to conclusions. I suspect it’s mostly a girl-code thing (it’s mostly girls) though it’s anywhere from people know something went wrong to malicious assault. However aside from my close friends it feels like the world is turning against me and it has hindered my confidence and I spend a lot more time not going to college events and sitting in my room being insecure about my friends and worrying about who doesn’t like me because of this horrendous thing it is alleged I did. I do have a very strong small support network, and about 10 people who I have explained everything to (in so much more detail than this) and they understand and support me. However, I worry that pretty much everyone else who knows about it detests what I allegedly did and basically doesn’t like me anymore.

I am however conflicted. I definitely thought what happened was both consensual and enjoyable for both of us, but clearly she is very hurt by what happened. From what I understand there is a grey area between affirmative consent and sexual assault and this took place somewhere in-between, because though I didn’t receive affirmative consent there was ample opportunity to communicate verbally or physically during the moment of afterwards that she was even not okay with what happened, and I was under the impression that though I didn’t receive affirmative consent that the interaction was consensual.

From my understanding it is not particularly easy to argue that what happened was sexual assault in the courts or officially, so she kept the process informal and I am not technically in trouble. However, the guilt and anxiety that I feel thinking about it, as well as more recently the court of public opinion have been very severe. I have spoken to close friends about it at length, I have had so far 10 sessions with a psychologist and talked directly with the boss of my college at length about it trying to come to terms with the accusation and its effects on me and the people around me. The psychologist has helped the most. However, I still feel horrible about it and am not sure of my feelings.

I would like your opinions. Obviously, this is very biased and my subjective truth, and you are welcome to attempt to control for that. But do you think this was sexual assault? What can I do from here to better myself as a person and to deal with the social situation, aside from being more careful before and during hooking up with someone if at all?