Hi all,

So me and my "soon to be ex wife" started separating in September. Mostly by my decision based on the fact that the relationship was not what a consider a healthy one, and after several years of degradation, I decided I didn't wanted to be in something like that.

She didn't took it so well, even that we had several talks over the year leading to it. Which would be fine if we wouldn't have 2 small boys - 5 and (almost) 3 years old.

Now currently we are in full fight in court because based in the fact that she is the mother, that this is her country and that it is in theory quite mother-oriented, that she has full home court advantage.

Anyway on what matters, i was going slow and not forcing too much to not make her even more upset. However I start believing that being in this limbo for so long, when I have very minimal time with the kids, is blocking them (and us) to move into the expected "one family, two home" mindset.

Everyone around her, and her inclusive, keep throwing to my face that I abandoned my family (which is hilarious considering I rented a flat 2.5km away and I go there at least once a day, even when I don't have them) and I am worried that those words are repeated around them. That they are absorbing it, mostly the 5 years old.

The other part is for example over the last 9 months I had to travel for work twice. Both times around 5/6 days. And even that I called them every day, the 5 years old seemed upset. Again I feel that because the narrative around him is that I abandoned them, so me traveling is giving him that fear and then the rage with it. Tomorrow I will travel again, I went to spend the evening with them, all good until the last minutes when I admitted I was going to Istanbul/Turkey instead of my usual work trip destination. He got upset right away. I tried to discuss with him but he couldn't explain why. Again I feel that it is that fear that I am abandoning them.

Last but not the least, even that is not my priority, the next issue will be to introduce my girlfriend when the time comes. Even right after the separation, when I had no one and wasn't even dating, the 5 years old started asking me about my girlfriend. Which really surprised me. Again I felt he was absorbing from his surrounding and he admitted at some point that his maternal grandma had been asking. Also my ex have searching for someone to take the blame for the fall of our relationship, so any signs of me spending time with a female friend was lead to accusations and somehow that also seems to have reached them. Eventually she got it right because my girlfriend is one of my co-worker. That my kids had even - very lightly - met at work events over the last 2 years or so, during bring your kid to work day or similar. Funny enough they had never any issue about it but now the 5 years old calls her "mean" and she hurter him and his little brother. Even that he hasn't met her since December, before we even started dating.

Long story short - any advice on how to communicate with your kids through such? How can I discuss with them about those toxic information that they absorb from them?