Who This Is Written For: teenagers who are considering going down the self improvement/Seddit/PUA path because they haven’t had much success in their dating life. This isn’t a success story about how I turned it around and saved my life, nor a remarkable story trying to push my course or product. This is a story about how I turned it around and then completely lost it all again because I focused on the wrong aspects of Seddit for the wrong reasons. And also a story of how I plan to turn it back around moving forward.

I’ve been lurking/participating in Seddit since I was 18 years old under a different account/ Reading the right things on this sub (self improvement posts) helped me go from high school loser to fit, confident, & academically successful in college. Getting tunnel vision for the wrong things on Seddit (cold approach routines and instadates) and putting too much an emphasis on finding a girlfriend led to me throwing all that progress away. Now I’m 25. I’m morbidly obese, I work a shit paying entry level job (despite being an academic standout in college in a useful major), I’m depressed, and I’ve seldom left my parent’s house in the past 17 months. I’m hoping my story about how Seddit/PUA affected my young adulthood can help set some down the right path.

Childhood

Back in high school, I was morbidly obese. I was a virgin with no dating prospects. I had poor hygiene. I had no social life outside of school. I was somewhat bullied. I had lots of regressive opinions and beliefs instilled in me by my parents that ostracized me from my more open-minded peers. I read books, played video games, and watched Netflix/sports. I got ok grades, but didn’t live up to my potential at all. That was my life. It sucked.

Transformation

So when I went to college I wanted to change. After a shitty freshmen year where I just went to campus two days a week and came straight home after, and made no friends, I decided it was time for me to make changes. I took a gap year and made my entire focus losing weight. I was reading Seddit almost every single day for motivation, dreaming of the type of dating life I would have when I was fit (in hindsight it was the wrong source of motivation). That + posting weight loss pics on social media to amaze my former classmates was all that motivated me. I counted calories and walked a lot, and I lost 100 lbs.

I went into my sophomore year at college a changed man. I was fit (but in hindsight just skinny fat). Within a few weeks I tried my first cold approach in the student lounge. I was catatonic. I couldn’t get 5 words out and I walked away after shaking. And all I had done was asked to borrow her pen and asked what she was studying! Flashforward months ahead and I found cold approach to be easy. I had a simple routine. I’d sit next to the girl in the student lounge or library, ask her to borrow a pen or watch my stuff, then use that as a launching pad to start a convo. I got a lot of numbers. However, I wasn’t getting much results. One girl went out with me like 5 times, but when I tried to make physical moves, she would rebuff me every time. It was clear in hindsight to me that she only saw me as friend.

Why did a girl hanging out alone with me one five separate occasions think of me as just a friend? Because I hadn’t given her any reason to think otherwise. I had never shown intent, which is going to be a theme as to why I failed throughout this post. Through hundreds of cold approaches, I got dozens of numbers, but not one date that ended in a kiss until I got a girlfriend. But still, I was having fun and learning a lot.

Wasted Opportunity

As my junior year came around, I doubled down on my cold approaching. When I wasn’t in class or working, I was cold approaching on campus. I used the same exact routines. I had read posts on Seddit about instadates, and tried to incorporate that in my game. The issue though was that I was incredibly uncalibrated in how I did it. I remember once taking a girl from the library to go get food, and literally just sitting there while she ate because I wasn’t hungry. All because I got it stuck in my head that instadate=less chance of flake. In reality, most of those girls I instadated flaked. There was even this one time I was in the library with a girl studying intensely for a big upcoming exam. We hit it off like I never have with any other girl. She was obviously flirting with me and interested. But I insisted on an instadate with her, and ending up just walking to Kroger with her. She never texted me back. Simply realizing she was busy and just grabbing the number might’ve seen me get to take her out some other time.

Cold approach was also starting to consume way too much of my time and distracting me from facing other real issues in my life that would come back to bite me later. I still got great grades, but that’s all I had to hang my hat on. I fucked up a great professional opportunity by being late to an important meeting and missing the chance, because i wasn’t managing my time right because I was putting too much emphasis on cold approach. I lost out on tons of networking and development opportunities because of it. And I wasn’t even getting results. It wasn’t just a learning experience any more. I was a year and a half into this and not getting results, but still insisting on running the same silly indirect routines.

Upward Trajectory

Then came my senior year and things were clicking for me. Despite losing out on a huge opportunity last semester, I was actually feeling really great about myself. I had just come off an amazing summer of chilling with my bros and traveling a lot. It was the best summer of my life and my confidence was never higher.

One of my first cold approaches of the new semester was actually one of my better ones. I just approached this girl in the student lounge and grabbed her number after a quick convo. I took her out to see a movie and actually got the courage to put my arm around her shoulder the whole movie. However, I was still too nervous to take it a step further and close, and I lost the opportunity.

However, an even better opportunity came soon after and I found myself in my first relationship with a girl I met through my friend group. It was kinda awkward getting to the point where we were dating, and a lot of luck was involved, but here I was in a committed relationship. I got my first kiss and beyond. It was an intense and passionate puppy love. I was really happy and I felt like I was on cloud 9. I was starting to see real success in my studies, even winning some major national awards. Everything felt like it was finally coming together for me!

Downward Spiral

But then, I slowly started to lose myself. I began falling back into old patterns of binge eating. My relationship put more and more pressure under me and the stress lead to even more eating. I let my guard down because I had accomplished my one major goal. Turns out, when getting a girlfriend is your only goal in life, actually accomplishing it will lead to failure in most other areas of life.

I lost most of my ambition and took a shit entry level job close to home because I wanted to stay in town for her (she wasn’t graduating). I began working immediately so I could keep affording to pamper her like I had been at the start of the relationship. This corporate schedule coupled with school wrecked me, and I became obese again. It also quickly became apparent that our relationship was failing. She had some long run beliefs and goals that just weren’t compatible with mine. I stressed myself (and hence ate even more), trying to change every little thing about myself to save my relationship with her, but at the end of the day my efforts were for naught as she broke up with me. Don’t hold on to a failing relationship because it’s comfortable, when it’s clear you aren't’ compatible, just end it.

After Graduation

After my breakup, I graduated college and moved on to just full time work, and safe to say I became majorly depressed. I missed the shit out of college, partially because it’s the only place in my city that had enough volume to do effective cold approaches. I’d some days drive 30 minutes out my way back to campus to do cold approaches or even just down and be surrounded by the social sea that is college. I was so lonely. My friend group dwindled. The 6 bros hanging at the bar every night vision I had for adulthood turned out to be a fantasy no more realistic than a fairy tale romance.

Worst of all, I was still deceiving myself about my previous relationship. I deep down really thought my ex and I would get back together, and random hookups with her were enough to keep me on the hook. At one point, I even meet this really cool girl on my campus who had a really fun personality and went on a few dates with her. When it was time to possibly go all the way with her though, I stopped myself, because I wasn’t over my ex, and new fucking a new girl would be the end of things. The cool new girl ended things with me, and soon after I finally decided to cut contact with my ex and move on. Just not in time to miss losing out on a really cool girl I had a lot of natural chemistry and shared interests with.

Then, just as I felt I was coming out my depression and getting in the rhythm of adulthood, the pandemic started. At first it was a nice breather and a chance to focus on me. I lost some weight. But then, several life events happened simultaneously and I fell into an even deeper depression and became less fit than ever before. It wasn’t helped by the fact that I knowingly let my anxiety go unmedicated, because I had anxiety about going to the doctor in my current obese state (what a circular problem that is).

Trying to Turn It Around

So here I am today, in my worst state, reflecting on things, and deliberating on how I can get back to confident and fit me I was briefly in my senior year college. The conclusion I came to is that I had been way too focused on women and pickup, and not enough on myself. My plan is to start unrelenting focusing on losing weight and developing my career, as well as putting more focus on my mental health. I want to return myself to that confident and successful college senior who was winning academic merit awards and confident in himself. And not just so I can run some pickup on some hotties… so i can fall back in love with myself. This 7 year excursion into Seddit and PUA has taught me a lot of good lessons, but also cost me a lot of time and opportunity. I don’t blame Seddit for this, I blame myself for focusing on the wrong parts. The field reports and lay reports are so flashy and instantly gratifying that it’s what anyone on here would naturally gravitate towards. But the real value on here are the self improvement posts.

I wrote this post as advice to younger men in my 18 year olds self’s situation, but I also wrote as a bit of a reflection on my last 7 years of life and the mistakes that got me where I’m at today. After writing it, I feel more at peace with my choices and more importantly I feel ready to turn it around. I hope this post can find any young men around college age who were in my spot, and help guide them in the right direction. There is value in Seddit, but not if you just straight to the pickup without first picking yourself up.

When I started lurking Seddit I was young and vulnerable. All I wanted was my first kiss and girlfriend. Little did I know that that being all I wanted meant I was setting myself up for failure. Cold approach is a hell of a drug. It makes you think you can get models without doing any of the hard work, and sometimes you actually do. But if you learn anything from me, it’s please don't’ get addicted to it. As a young boy who desperately craved affection to make up for my lonely high school years, I way overdid cold approach in college. Focus more on you, have fun, and just use approach as one tool in a larger strategy of finding dates (one that involves apps, making lots of friends, connecting with your classmates, and partying a lot because it’s college and you only get it once in your life). Don’t be the lone wolf hoping cold approach will find you a girl who will fix you. Fix yourself, be social, and the girls should be easy enough to find.

Lessons

What You Should Be Doing With 95% of Your Day

  1. Finding a relationship should never be a primary life goal. Put in the work on you first. Find fitness, finances, & fun before females. Cold approach isn’t a primary hobby, it’s just a tool to bring more women into your already fulfilling life.
  2. If you’re ever in a bad spot in life (like I am now), try to forget about pickup and cold approach, and work on getting your own life back together first. Anyone can get success in game, but it’ll be a low success rate and lead to unfulfilling connections if you don’t first reach a baseline of personal success (for me, the main goal is getting to a health weight, and getting my career job). Put that sexual energy into making your life better. Cold approach is like a drug that makes us more content. We see that we can fulfill our basic need for intimacy through just volume and dumb luck (cold approach), and we feel like we can stop working on ourselves and instead just work on game. Don’t fall into that trap. If you want to live a fulfilling life, build yourself up first. I’m not saying don’t do cold approaches when opportunities present themselves, just don’t go out of your way for it.
  3. If you have mental problems, whether they be anxiety & depression, or just uncertainty regarding some beliefs you have, address them ASAP. Otherwise they will compound and become entrenched in your life, digging you into hard holes to get out of. My refusal to address my anxiety cost me a year and half lockdown worth of self improvement opportunities. Address your mental insecurities and trouble ASAP.

What You Should Do When Working On Pickup With The Other 5% (Lessons More From Failure Than Success)

  1. Pickup routines and instadates are crutches. Don’t use them. Just be somewhat direct or start a conversation situationally, have a nice convo, and get her number leaving her wanting more. The rare success I did have didn’t involve some indirect routine, but rather just a compliment and a conversation. Having the interactions shorter also created more of an intrigue for them I think, the longer interactions almost always led to them not wanting to meet up again.
  2. “Sarging” is a bad idea. This is when you go out just to do pickup. It makes you feel like a creep and it can get you a reputation on campus (I was so lucky this never happened to me). Instead, just try to incorporate pickup into your daily routine and talk to girls as you go about your day.
  3. Show intent when asking women out. Say “date,” compliment her directly, and leave no doubt in her mind that there’s a romantic interest you have. You’ll get less numbers, but more success.
  4. Be physical on your dates, even if you’re nervous she won’t reciprocate. It’s better to try and get rejected than to wonder what if. I’m talking try to hold her hand between venue 1 and 2 of the first date, then try to kiss her when walking back to the car from venue 2.
  5. Same goes for girls you like. Don’t make excuses, just ask them out the first chance you get. Regret hurts so much more than rejection. There are at least three major instances in college I remember where in hindsight really attractive women were into me, but I was scared to make a move because they were classmates and I was afraid of the embarrassment I’d have if I showed intent and got rejected. One was a girl who emailed me out of the blue to work on a class assignment with her, one used to always offer me a car ride across campus after class, and the other would always wave and smile at me when we walked past each other on campus (like a lot).
  6. Don’t let yourself go when you finally do get into a relationship. Stay fit and focused on your primary goals.
  7. When a girl breaks up with you, delete her from your life and your mind. Move on. Don’t let thoughts of her affect future opportunities with other girls.

General Thoughts

  1. But even after all this, I maintain cold approach was a great part of my life. I just got too obsessed with it and didn’t do it right. Taking back the buyer’s power in this modern online dating landscape is an incredible thing. I went from a guy who would physically shake when talking to girls, to someone completely comfortable with walking up to one on the street and asking her out. I’m still proud of this part of my life. Just don’t let it become your whole life. Everything in moderation.

I’ll update in 6 months on where I’m at with my personal development in terms of fitness and career, and I’ll see if I’m ready to put a bunch of effort into meeting women by then. I’ve done the whole eating healthy & exercising thing before and lost 100 lbs, so at least I know I can do it. I’ve also excelled academically before, so I’ve got a good framework on how to do that. Until then, take my words into consideration… especially you college kids. They might help you not be in as much of a shitty spot as me at 25.

TL/DR: avoid this mindset & improve you for you, not just to find a girl: “We see that we can fulfill our basic need for intimacy through just volume and dumb luck (cold approach), and we feel like we can stop working on ourselves and instead just work on game”