Some time ago, I wrote a post on this sub in which I expressed my intention to begin an exercise in which I went out and approached women each weekend until I had approached 100, and asked whether it would be acceptable for me to post nightly accounts of such ventures on this sub in order to keep motivated (SelectSelect75 (u/SelectSelect75) - Reddit). All of the commenters expressed that this would be acceptable, so until someone else tells me otherwise, I will continue doing this. The following post comprises account #13.
Context and goals:
#1. Upped the ante a bit again tonight. It’s time to get used to venue-changing. I set a goal of initially going to the same bar I went to last week and doing as many approaches as I could there… before leaving and going to another bar – a bar I’d never been to before at all – and doing the remainder there.
#2. Upped the ante a bit in a second way as well. A minimum of 3 approaches simply isn’t good enough. I can overshoot that effortlessly. A man with as little approach anxiety as myself can and should do more than that. Tonight, I set myself a minimum of 5, and a bonus target of 10.
#3. Set a goal of quickly establishing a false time constraint (i.e… “My friend will be texting me soon, I can only talk for five minutes.”) each time I managed to get a conversation started. If the conversation was going nowhere, I’d leave after no more than that amount of time. If it was going well, however, then I could overshoot it.
#4. On top of my usual retinue of smiling, maintaining eye contact, talking slowly and talking deeply (which I must admit I’m having a bit of trouble remembering to do all at once), I also set myself a goal of [A]; trying to make an assumption about the girl(s), and/or [B]; trying to make the girl(s) laugh each time I managed to get a conversation started. I also set myself a goal of trying the openers I tried last time a few more times.
#5. Finally, I set myself a goal of staying out for two hours later tonight than I did last time.
I’d really prefer to stick to these goals and not pile on further complications unless and until I can get conversations started and make the girls laugh consistently. By changing my goals too frequently, I fear I’m straying into aimlessness. I need to focus intently on the same specific thing consistently for a while. In fact, I might add a new temporary goal of: “Make 30 girls laugh”, or something, to my tally, and not change my goals from today until I’ve hit it.
Account:
I did 11 approaches in total tonight. In every case, I opened with something observational, and quickly set a false time constraint, so I won’t restate those eleven times. “Clearly not interested” should be translated as: “was not able to get a conversation going”. The first six were at the same bar I went to last week.
Set of two. Clearly not interested. Left quickly.
Set of three. Good conversation. Played games and made assumptions to good effect. Was able to make them laugh easily. Ultimately, however, they all broke off to go and talk to other people. Left.
Set of two. Good conversation. Played games and made assumptions to good effect. Was able to make them laugh easily. Asked for their numbers, but they told me they were married. Left.
Set of three. Clearly not interested. Other men came and joined. Left.
By herself. Clearly not interested. Left to join a friend. Left.
Set of three. Best conversation of the night. Played games and made assumptions to good effect. Was able to make them laugh easily. Bit old for me to ask for their numbers, though. Left.
At this point, I left the bar and went scrounging for another one. I visited about four or five other bars, but I recurringly ran into a problem of most of the women I saw being part of mixed-sex groups, which I have never been able to make any headway in. Too often, the men turn out to be boyfriends or husbands, or to command more attention because the girls already know them. Nevertheless, I was able to do five more over the remainder of the evening.
By herself. Turned out to be married; husband came along. Left.
Set of three. Good conversation. Played games and made assumptions to good effect. Was able to make them laugh easily. Bit old for me to ask for their numbers, though. Left.
Set of four. Clearly not interested. Left quickly.
Set of two. Immediate rejection. Left.
Set of two. So-so conversation. Played games to lukewarm effect. Had a harder time making them laugh. Broke away to join other friends. Left.
By this point, my energy was pretty much spent, so I spent the remaining few minutes of the timeframe I set for myself dancing. I did keep my eyes peeled until the last minute for one last set I might approach, though.
Reflection:
Well, technically, I accomplished all my goals tonight. I did 10 approaches. I opened with something observational each time. I set a false time constraint each time. I attempted to make an assumption and/or make them laugh each time I managed to get a conversation started, and was usually successful at the latter. I changed venues. I stayed out for two hours later than I did last time. It generally seems that, as long as I keep my goals within a reasonable scope, I am able to accomplish them.
…and yet somehow, once again, tonight just doesn’t feel like a success. It’s hard not to shake the overall feeling of fruitlessness – the possibility that I might very well approach 100 or even 200 women in time, and yet never get any further than a good conversation.
Inasmuch as it might seem like a trifling amount to some veterans here, I think 10 – 15 approaches in one night might be my hard limit for the time being. Not because of approach anxiety, mind you, but because after that, it starts to get boring and annoying and I don’t put any real energy into it anymore.
I must confess that I did not try the: “[sarcastically] You guys look like you’re having the time of your lives” opener with any sets tonight. Didn’t have the balls. It just didn’t feel natural vs. an observational opener. If I’m gonna try that, I might need to lower my approach quota and dedicate most of my energy for the evening to overcoming that hurdle. And as I said, at present, I don’t want to mess with my goals too much.
Another thing I noticed is that, again, quite a few of the women at the initial bar I went to were too old for me. (Whereas most of the women at the subsequent bars I went to were part of mixed-sex groups). Now, I could try scouting around for a bar with a sizable number of all-female groups my own age, but again, this will probably require me to rededicate most of my energy for the evening to doing that.
For all of the above, though, I’ll reiterate that I’d really prefer to stick to the same goals for one or two more nights.
Tally:
Primary goal: 100 approaches.
Secondary goal: 1 date.
Tertiary goal: 100 immediate rejections.
Temporary goal: make 30 women/sets laugh.
Approaches: 63.
Immediate rejections: 16.
Conversations: 29.
Laughs: 4.
Phone number rejections: 16.
Phone numbers: 4.
Dates: 0.
Sex: 2.
Relationships: 0.
Breakups: 0.
there doesn't seem to be anything here