The past few days have been a big roller coaster of emotions. I'v learned quite abit about myself and how I react to certain situations and why I do. This all started when I went on a date with a girl I met at a coffee shop and the date went pretty shitty.

She was pretty into me before the date but after the date I knew she wasn't interested and I really couldn't comprehend why. I did everything righ (or so I thought). I escalated albiet a bit slow but that doesn't really matter because I'm just glad I escalated it was something I have been scared of. Anyways when she rejected me I was pretty upset so I went to a quiteplace and wrote my feelings down. I ended up learning a lot about myself and why I reacted the way I did. Don't try to hide your emotions if you feel like laying in bed for 20 days after being rejected do it. You have to get that shit out of your system before you can build back up. I layed in bed for the rest of the day and the next day I wrote. It's intereting how having relationships with people can reveal problems with yourself that you didn't think you had.

I found out that my need for attention and most of my women prolems come from my mom. She manipualted me all of my life into working to please her and she was ironically very hard to please. She also doesn't like to rock the boat at all which explains why she doesn't have many friends and most men in her life have used her. I never recieved any attetntion from my mom so I tried to recieve this attention from other people which obviously isn't how it works. Now this is pretty basic but it gets deeper. As of the past 4 years I have developed this super social persona which is a good thing in a way but I developed this super social persona to please other people and to get others to like me. Which was a huge eye opener to me, I never thought of it that way. Was this whole persona just a facade to gain attention? Then I posed a question to myself that I had a very hard time answering. "Why can't I recieve attention from myself & provide my own attention? I never thought of life that way, I've been working so hard to please others my whole life like a fucking circus act. I then wrote down what I can do to recieve attention from myself. Here's the list.

  1. Approach people you want to approach.

  2. Study hard to get into McGill

  3. Spend time looking for a job/place

  4. Do things because I want to do them, other people don't matter.

Notice how I worded these things, I made the outcome dependant only on myself. I didn't write "Get into McGill" for that is out of my control and I could put 110% effort and still not get in, instead I wrote "Study hard" something totally able to be done by myself and with no need for others. I found writing to be a very theraputic activity and it un-earthed a lot of issues with my mental self.

Using this new found knowledge I decided to test it out today, I won't say I did any cold approaching but I did do a few AA excersizes. I simply walked along the street asking groups of people and hot girls what is a good place for poutine. In these interactions I was myself. I am naturally a laid back and really easy to talk to person. I don't really fit with alot of the high energy models posted on this subreddit. I had a few girls pretty interested in me but I wasn't trying to pick up just work on AA.

I ended up going to this poutine place and the server there caught my eye. When I was done eating I ended up chatting to her for a while, I was thinking about writing my # on the other side of the reciept and hand her it saying "If you're feeling crazy here."

I didn't but I could tell she was attracted despsite being 5 years older then me and this time I was 100% myself. The conversation we had wasn't really energetic but she seemed to really enjoy it. Now I didn't ask her for her number or to take her out because I decided I could bring a girl to this place when we are on a date and use the server as social proof.

A few things I suppose you could take from this FR is to focus on being yourself. Don't try to be like Tyler from RSD if you don't feel that personality is natural to you. If you want to be like Tyler so you can get girlsyou are essentially looking for attention and validation but if you want to be like Tyler because you love the personality and it feels like you then by all means be like Tyler. Associate yourself with someone that opperates on the same energy levels as you. For me it's Justin Wayne I love his pick up style and his fashion. Write down how you are feeling and re-asses your day focusing on what you can improve upon and so on. Don't be afraid to delve deep into your brain.

One more thing if you don't feel like going out. Go out, even ifyou don't appraoch just going out allows you to gain experience.

Tomorrow I plan to ask more people about where a good x is, this time though I am going to try pick up from it.

Excuse me for the double spaces, this keyboard at the hostel sucks.