Hey folks,

Well here goes.

I haven’t much been a proponent for online dating but a friend gets mixed results with PlentyOfFish so I decided it’d be fun to meet girls whilst wearing sweatpants in the comfort of my room.

I joined last Monday, made a wacky profile (I’m the sort of guy that rarely takes anything seriously – much to my detriment) and started mass messaging girls. Usually something quick and witty, written in caps because I feel like caps represents characteristics I wish to develop (yes, seriously!). For example, it’s a faux pas to type in caps, so to type in caps means you just don’t give a fuck (it’s good practice), you’re going against social conditioning, being “BIG” or alpha and standing out from the rest of the polite proper texted dudes. All things I want to take into actual life. I want to be CAPITAL.

I got a fairly decent response rate and one girl I think is really cute sent a really flirty reply. We message back and forth, she suggests we text before I do, we do, I call her, set up plans. She’s an HB7 online..

I wanted to see a band I like (asked if she liked to dance she said yeah) and check out a bar I like for some drinks first.

We meet and I’m immediately shocked at how much better she looks in person. This girl is a serious HB8 (for me: nice petite artsy girl, dangerously cute) but carries herself with this really strong sexy HB10 attitude (really well dressed, knows what she wants from life etc.) so I’m a bit intimidated. I give her a hug and notice she’s not one of those hug right away people because she’s sort of “Oh, we’re doing this,” about it. Minutes after we go to the bar…

Upon arriving, a pretty good friend of mine I didn’t expect to be there stands up, shouts my name and invites us over (keep in mind this is like within 2minutes of knowing this girl). So what I planned as a good chance to get to know this girl before we head out turns into this weird hybrid social grouping 3 guys 2 girls. My friend somehow immediately spills wine all over this girl and she’s shy and doesn’t seem to know how to handle the whole situation. I’m pretty comfortable but I feel awkward for her. Guys, this is a problem for me: I’m so worried about how the other person is, because I’m pretty resilient and know I’m usually pretty ok. So I’ll overask and overmonitor..I need to not worry about how much fun another adult is having.

The awkward energy dissipates eventually and things ease in…we get some drinks, my buddy tends to lead exchanges because he’s a bit of a self-indulgent actor and I don’t really try to fight his will to talk. I’m a pretty witty guy and get my stuff in and talk to HB8 enough but it’s still a bit weird but she’s loosened up. I decide we should bounce to the show. I pay my bill and I think the girl assumes I’ve bought her drink as well. I tell her “Yeah, I didn’t get yours, by the way,” and sort of laugh about it to myself but secretly feel like the man.

We get to the show and whoa, very few people have shown up to this band that USUALLY draws a very good, devoted crowd. Very strange vibe in the whole place, really big venue but no one in it. Fuck fuck fuck. Girl admits she’s not really into dancing. I haven’t been to the bar before and she tells me it’s usually always shit. Oh well. I try to focus on just having a good time but the girl is checking her phone and not really dancing, I’m so uncomfortable for her that I ask her if she’d rather leave and go walk around. (I KNOW THIS IS SOME REALLY LAME SHIT BUT I COULDN’T HELP AGAINST IT! Any recommendations?) She assures me she’s fine and even tries to make me feel comfortable about how obviously uncomfortable she is by pushing us closer to the front…even though she still didn’t really dance. I guess I have to accept that some girls don’t really dance, let alone in this strange vibed place. Probably just the vibe and if I was good I could get past it. I’m a pretty good dancer so I felt weird. Which brings me to this…

I have no physical game. I can talk a girl’s ear off and make her laugh laugh laugh. Seriously I’m wayyyy overcalibrated in this area – I’m a comedian and often feel like I have an audience instead of a girl next to me. I have mad verbal wit game (too much joking, not enough serious), but no comfort with escalating with a girl. I always feel like it’s improper to try and grab her hand when I don’t know her well or touch her back etc. It’s so bad girls will grab my hand and start prompting me to physically escalate. It’s so bad I find out later on that so and so had a crush on me but thought I wasn’t into her at all, etc. I’m a pretty cute guy but I guess it’s my social conditioning (I have a sister who’s really equality this etc., respect women all that) – I assume it’s wrong to touch women. This is easily, easily, easily the weakest part of my largely non-existent game.

Anyways, finally the band finishes and we leave. The one good thing about the show was that between songs she was talking in a way that said she was still interested and understood the comedic situation we were in. Even the band (used to better shows for sure) joked about it. So we leave and just start walking around the city. Because the way the night went I didn’t really get to know her so we talked and walked for about 1h30min. It was a pretty solid conversation and I could feel her interest strongly but even more strongly her curiousity about my complete lack of physical interaction. I have a nice body and I’m attractive but I just can’t get past going for it. I even listen to slow jams and straight fucking tunes before I go out to pump up but I just feel like I’ll be being a creep if I touch a girl. I don't have the INNER GAME/confidence that I can and should do this...

So we make it back to her apartment outside and she’s just waiting to get kissed, which I expected but was still surprised by because a lot had gone wrong. Probably only kissed around 10 seconds because it was the first we had really touched….wasn’t much sexual tension or explosive sexual energy, I feel like that’s entirely my fault. It wasn't a frame of mad-crazy make out, more like "we just talked about life and the universe for awhile." When I pulled back and looked into her eyes I knew I would be coming back for more because lord lord lord LORD this girl is cute. I think I might just need to check her out more and get a boner and then use it. I said we’ll have to do this again sometime and she replied, “call me when you want to” or something like that. She’s really forward with the texts and has mentioned she doesn’t meet many guys so it’s sort of on but I question if I’m what she wants or what she needs. Asked me to text her when I got home to “make sure I didn’t get abducted.” Anyway, I feel like physical escalation is a really big problem for me I want to work on. It’s like I have to have some strange permission before I feel like I can just go caveman.

So all in all a great night: I kissed a girl and exposed some areas to work on. Definitely need to do some logistic work before any outing, plan better….but mainly escalate. How do I become comfortable with being more touchy? I really wanted more than a k-close but that’s still something. I feel like I trick myself into thinking, “She’s one of those quality slow girls you have to take it slow,” but that’s just a mask for my inability to really get in touch with my sexual desire for a girl.

It's 50/50 on whether or not she'll flake next time I call her, but I'm confident we'll go out again.

TL;DR: Met a cute girl from online, don't know how to feel comfortable with physically escalating (little things like hand holds, etc.), managed a little k-close makeout and developed connection.