I'm first telling something about my background so maybe you will get more off the FR. Also, english is not my first language, so don't take me for a total retard because of the weird text.

Ok, I'm pretty much just trying to recover from social anxiety for now and found this subreddit helpful together with counseling, some CBT books, and actully got prescribed some SSRI's which I am taking.

Being a lifelong SAP and a video game lover, to I've finally started to trying to change it at the age of 22. I've been very depressed so far pretty much all my life so, obviously that shit hasn't been working for me.

Last weekend I went to my first music festival ever! A friend (who I hadn't seen in a year) asked me to come and I said yes, even though I didn't feel like it, but I figured if I'm going to improve my situation I need to go.

So, some unrelated shit happens, and then I'm pretty wasted and eating with my friend in the festival area. We join a table where there are a lot of guys and 2 girls. Some of the guys are smoking and the girl says that its not polite to smoke when someone's eating. She looks at me, I nod and we smile. The guys leave. Then next to me comes another 2 girls. I don't really remember what happened for the next few moments, but when the girl who whined about the smoking starts smoking, I say: "And she just said its unpolite to smoke when someones eating". Don't really remember the details but one of the new girls starts talking about how good she is at matchmaking and tries to set me up with the smoke girl. Nothing happens 'cause I'm just confused and wasted and the smoke girl and her friend leaves the table. Then the matchmaking girl grabs my hand and pulls me away, talks about setting me up with someone. She asks me what kind of girls I like, but even through the drunkeness I'm extremely uncomfortable with this situation. Anyway she just stops this one girl who is walking by and introduces me to her. Shes like nice to meet you and all but who are you guys... We come up with something like we met her last year at the same festival. Well, she is going to eat and wishes us good festival. Matchmaking girl is grabs my hand again and I tell her "See, this isn't working". Next thing I remember my friend is pulls me away from her and drags me away and talks about saving me (wtf?). I never see her again...

... Unrelated shit happens... I join a table where are some of my friends talking to their friends who I don't know. There's this one girl who looks kinda sad and lonely. I get some eye contact. This is where my FIRST OPEN EVER happens. She takes the festival info paper and starts reading it. I switch my place next to her and just ask her what band she is going to see next. Some small talk happens, and it comes up her boyfriend is in the next table and kinda ignoring her or something. I try to say something nice to cheer her up, then my friends leave the table and I depart too saying "Take care" ...

I go to see a DJ set with my friend and his girfriend and a couple of guys. I really like dance music and dancing so I really enjoyed it but all the other guys got bored and left. So there I am alone with my friends girl... We dance to the music and she starts to get a little close to me. Shes in front of me, her back facing me, she grabs my hands and tries to put them around her. I'm like NO. She asks if i'm angry now. I say "No, I'm not". We see the gig to end dancing but I make sure to keep distance from her.

After the gig, I call my friend and ask where is he. He says he has left the area and I should take a cab with his girl. I'm like what the hell. The girl is mad too and starts talking trash about him and their relationship. We decide to walk away. She starts asking me why I don't have a girlfriend. I answer I'm so goddamn shy. We talk about something and then depart and I go to sleep.

...Unrelated shit happens... Its the night of the second day. It starts raining and I leave the area alone, my friends wanted to stay still. I the road alone when I see this group of 3 girls. This must be the worst fucking approach ever but as I am a couple of meters behind them, they start doing some weird noises, or some kind of screaming in their drunkennes and I join their screaming. They turn to me and and some drunken chatter follows. They look really young and I ask them if theyre even old enough to drink.(its 18 here) 2 of them were eighteen and 1 is 17. Well I was again just nice guy and talked to them about something and departed saying "Well, have a safe walk home" they were like "you too it was really nice to meet you byee". Yeah...

The last day of the festival I'm already so exhausted of everything, I'm not even sure if I go anymore. My friends girlfriend texts me to come see some show with her and her friend. I decide to go. Can't drink much though because of work tomorrow. Her friend is really cute but like 6 years older than me. We get introduced and I try to be as talkative as I can but really starting to zone out in my head. We hang out for a while together, and I'm starting to feel pretty much like their gay friend. Just being pretty silent and listening to their nonstoping talk laughing and nodding. Just commenting on something every once in a while. Some random girl dropped her lipstick or something and I pick it up for her. They tease me for being a white knight. I just wanna go home already which I did pretty soon...

Guys... is there any hope for me... I feel like my appearance can be attractive, but I'm way too uncomfortable to run any game even if someone is practically throwing themselves on me. I'm basicly scared of intimacy. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't think the isolated life of loneliness is worth it, even when it seems to feel better than trying to go out there.

Anyway, I made some progress, no matter how small it were. I'm sure there are others here who are struggling with the very very basics. I feel like I've gotten over the depression and reduced the social anxiety by alot, but I need to find a way to actually start enjoying the socializing instead of doing it for the sake of getting out of my comfort zone.

TL;DR. Getting confidence in my appearance. Did my first opens. Need to practise conversation. Need help on getting over the fear of intimacy. Need help on how to enjoy socializing.

PS. I know this is long as fuck and I feel like I should not post this at all but I'm just going to do it for the sake of practising doing something I don't feel like.