How do you learn to stop seeking validation?

Squand · 2013-02-01T06:54:47+00:00

Well, he talked about it in the video a little bit.

He seemed to say

Recognize that it's happening. (I do this.)
Get validation from the process. (I don't know how much I do this one.)

I will add another:

Get validation from sources outside the game. And probably try to approach it in a similar fashion. Get the validation from the process, decide a process that you'll enjoy working on and that will help you attain quantifiable goals, but focus on being validated by the pure act of working on the process. Journeying to be better.

If you are satiated internally, the external rewards will mean less. I don't know that there is getting rid of it completely, but it helps me to reflect on it, when I'm feeling that way.

Anecdote time.

I remember a few years ago I was dating a lot. I was meeting 2-4 girls a week. And doing this for months and months. And one of the girls I was seeing seriously was sort of like, Wtf is wrong with you?

And I just said, well, you know, I get a high off of meeting new people. And she was like, But you've met so many, like why do you keep meeting more?

And I thought about it for a second and the truth was, well the lows suck so bad. Like if I don't spend X amount of time pursuing girls then I don't get y number of dates and it's like, shit... I just feel like shit. And I had the rough numbers in my head. And I knew my game was streaky so I had to do a lot to get over the inevitable dry spells. I never wanted a dry spell because if the only person who wanted to hang out with me was someone I'd already convinced to hang out with me, then something horrible happened inside my body and I became wicked depressed. I was using the same junky metaphor! And I was totally explaining it, like, this is normal. This is how humans behave. Like I was confused why she wasn't out snagging dudes all the time.

I'm saying this to a girl who is like, you know, fucking me whenever I want, totally crazy in love with me, and she's just like can't you see me? And she didn't need me to be exclusive, but she needed me to stop seeking that constant validation. In large part for me because she thought it wasn't healthy.

Now, realizing that was happening didn't get me to stop immediately. In fact I told this story to a couple people before I was like, lightbulb, WAIT, THIS MAKES ME INSANE. And even then, it wasn't, time to sit down and change the way I approach dating. But knowing was a big part of the battle.

And I wouldn't say I'm super over it. If a girl responds to my game favorably, I get off on it. If a girl blows me out. I feel weird. Weirder than I should at this point, probably. It's like, "What is this sudden wound inside my soul? Emotion, what heinous thing is that!"

But if I recognize what's going on, and why it's happening, I cope way better. I can reason with myself. Talk me through the lows.

The number one thing for me, is having something better to do than game. And doing it. (Lately this has been the hard part.)

Create things. Produce things. Game helps you in your relationships and that's important but there are other components to life. And when those are aligned, when I'm fulfilled because I'm giving value to society in other ways that aren't giving chicks high self esteem or amazing orgasms or whatever, then my body doesn't need the little validations as much. They don't cause spikes as high, and they don't cause the lows.

Do you watch that video and think he's totally out of that cycle?

robot_army_mutiny · 2013-02-01T15:32:10+00:00

Make your goals be 1. to have fun, and 2. to learn. In cognitive-behavioral therapy, writing things down is a kind of magic. When you put pen to paper, it cements things in your mind. You can use this to change your thought patterns. Write yourself a short essay (1 or 2 paragraphs) about why you enjoy learning pickup. Include examples of how you had fun doing it, and times you had a big insight. You have to make it legit, though. Bullshitting yourself won't work. Just write down reasons why you honestly like it, also include a little bit about why making mistakes or not getting the results you wanted can be just as much fun, and sometimes even better for learning, than a successful pickup attempt.

That really can rearrange some neurons in your brain. You can learn to get validation from the fact that you are breaking out of your comfort zone and learning new skills. Remember, 90% of men are terrified of simply talking to a random unknown pretty girl. Validate yourself by comparing the new you to the old you, by appreciating your progress, not by whether some random girl is or isn't into you on any one approach - there can be a million reasons why it didn't go well that have nothing to do with you.

Irelio · 2013-02-01T06:53:56+00:00

This. I've only been going about this for a month or two but this is still a major problem with me. Sometimes I'll go out to a bar and get rejected the first few times and be bummed about it the rest of the night, even though logically I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way. Same thing when I thought I did good daygame when I got numbers and they all flake.

lKnown2Bl · 2013-02-01T07:31:48+00:00

I think the most important part would be to love yourself. I also have this problem where I feel like my actions need to be validated or recognized by others but I've noticed that it causes more turmoil and stress in my life rather than creating happiness. Its almost like creating expectations for yourself where as if you don't get validated you feel crumby about yourself but if you do get validated then that's what you expected to happen (at least for me). I'm slowly learning how to love myself but its a very hard thing to do when you have low self esteem but I guess the only thing we can do is try our hardest and believe in ourselves. Not sure if I answered your question but here's my 2 cents.

2013-02-02T02:59:59+00:00

The way I do it is by refusing to adjust my standards. That way you learn to recognize rejection as a filter - weeding out the people who aren't worth your time.

Title	How do you learn to stop seeking validation?
Author	b28o6tw9yl4n71fq
Upvotes	13
Comments	5
Date	February 1, 2013 6:04 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/17oj9f/how_do_you_learn_to_stop_seeking_validation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-you-learn-to-stop-seeking-validation.1346703 https://theredarchive.com/post/1346703

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