Hello my friends at TRP.

I'm posting here today to open up about my perspective and to hopefully get some discussion fueled in doing so. I'm a red piller who has some issues regarding my place within this framework.

The hard part is where to begin because I can come at this from so many angles.

I am a red piller who suffers from depression, anxiety, and another disorder that I won't expose quite yet. Another thing to note about me is my completely nihilistic view of the world.

Anyway, my big issue right now is expectation and where to lay the blame. Listen guys, I am well aware that TRP advocates a lifestyle in which you take the initiative, don't lay the blame, try to live your life as selfless as possible, and rely on nobody but yourself. I am well aware of all these stoic doctrines, and trust me when I tell you, I do everything I can to adhere to them.

The problem I have been having lately (for the past few years), is that I can't find any friends or people who I can value having in my life. It honestly seems as though every single person I come across is either an egotistical dick head, or else they are a self pitying beta coward.

Now, you might label me one of these two titles, and I'm fine with that, but what exactly should I be expecting from other people in this world?

I know the easy answer is to just say man the fuck up and don't worry about other people, but I truly want to find people in the world with whom I can share my life and possibly even experience the journey with them.

Anyway, I've been shifting in and out of different frames; one in which I am the dominant leader, and the other in which I am the submissive beta. Depression and anxiety seem to spring up on you when you least expect it to.

Another thing; I have gone to the gym, adhered to a great diet, and done very well everything I can imagine would increase my enjoyment for life. But I get no long term happiness from it. I am nihilistic. I see happiness coming from the relationships and bonds we create in the world, and doing anything without them seems utterly pointless to me. I mean, sure, I can go to the gym, get ripped, and live a "healthy" life. But honestly, what is the point in doing these things if we cannot let loose and enjoy life with friends and family? I personally see no point in this.

Back when I was living life to my fullest potential I still felt lonely and disconnected. And to be quite honest, I cannot continue with anything unless I have a strong group of people to back me in life.

I started in my hometown where I seemed to make friends as a kid. And then real world drama happened. You graduate high school and people move on. I get that shit. But why does it seem so hard to make friends and establish a social circle? Why are people so avoidant when you call them, and they don't respond?

Listen guys, I understand TRP philosophy quite well, but I just can't bare the thought of being so alone. I can't fathom the idea that people are so cut throat because to me personally, leaving a man or woman behind in life is not an option. If I had it my way I would be trying to help benefit other people instead of talk behind their backs and not be upfront with them.....

Anyway, I know this is a bit of a rambled post, and all over the place, but I want to finish with explaining how I feel about people.

I get fucking frightened and submissive when I am around people who do not explicitly make their perspectives/intentions known to me.

I have been mangled in the past by people who will not open up to me because they are the ones that take everything from you without any sort of reciprocation. I'm not talking about material goods either, I am strictly speaking of emotional cues and responses.

Fuck, anyway; I expect some criticism from this post, but hopefully I can gain some good insight. I don't want you guys to pity me or anything of this sort, so please don't interpret my post as such.

I merely want to know why it is that the vast majority of people are so closed off, unwilling to reciprocate with you on an emotional level.

I also want to here from those who have been extremely lonely and isolated in the past and found a way out of the darkness into the light. I want to hear about your success with finding a group and people to share in life with.

A lot of the posts I read on TRP are examples of the male and female juxtaposition and to me, life has far more to it than that. I want to be able to harness some sort of energy where I can make it feel like the planet and I are one instead of feeling so disconnected from it and other people.

Anyway, thanks for reading.