Seddit, what pains are you willing to go through to get the girl of your dreams?

exhibitionistcouplez · 2013-11-30T11:00:42+00:00

You're already setting yourself up to fail.

Now, let's be clear. There's nothing wrong with going out to find the girl of your dreams. That basically boils down to finding a girl who has no flaws you can't easily deal with who gives you everything you require plus a bunch of the optional stuff you'd like.

Fighting through the pain, though... Fuck dude, you make it sound like dating is the trail of tears or something.

This post is desperation.txt and I don't have an answer to your actual question because I found the girl I want.

All I got is my story, so maybe that might help. I'm in a drunk and sharing mood.

So, I was married a little over a year ago. Had a kid with her. Rocky relationship the whole way, but worth it. You don't come by love that strong and sincere every day. Just fell apart with post partum and the realization that we had grown into people who weren't right for each other and that we weren't happy being with each other on a day to day basis.

The divorce was fucking hard, and one of the hardest part was that same question you ask yourself. I thought I had the relationship part of my life handled, and I knew that after how good the relationship was when it was good, I was going to have some seriously high fucking standards for the next one.

I started talking to girls immediately. Made an OKC account. Hit on every woman who I found physically attractive who I encountered. I carpet bombed, basically. I hit the point where I had messaged every girl I could find online in a 50 mile radius in addition to chatting up every girl I met in person pretty much ever.

I got a decent few responses which went nowhere. Women disqualified themselves from my interest in any number of ways. I went on first dates which did not turn into second dates because I learned more than enough from the first to know I had no desire to see them again. I developed my life plan and it included me being single for quite a while. I wasn't going to settle, not the least little bit.

See, the thing about me and dating is that I have a huge list of dealbreakers. The vast, vast majority of them having to do with personality. I mean, if someone is physically attractive to me, I say hi. If they aren't, I don't. I don't have physical dimension requirements, I just look at them and decide yes or no. It's all about how intelligent they are, their sense of humor, their interests, and the way they act.

Never read a classic piece of literature? Out. Unwilling to have a fun conversation about sex within the first 8 hours of conversation together? Out. No interest in politics of any kind? Out. Inclinations towards jealousy or drama? Out. Deeply religious or spiritual? Out. Ashamed of sex in any way? Out. Not financially independent without a damn good reason? Out. Can't write better than your average college english lit teacher? Out. Don't love kids? Out. Anti-Drug? Out. No life ambition? Out. Not a people watcher? Out. Can't stare into the deepest pits of humanity and laugh or be horrified with me? Out. Doesn't self identify as a feminist? Out. (Yep, dealbreaker. You show me a woman who knows what kink shaming, rape culture, and patriarchy are and I'll show you a woman who will do delightfully unspeakable things to you when you're alone.)

You get the idea. That's not the end of the list, that just seemed like a nice note to end it on. I get specific. Why? Because I've been around enough to know what I specifically like and do not like. Because I've had more than one relationship with women who did not trip a single thing on my circuit breaker. I know they're out there, and I settle for nothing less than women who fit well with me.

A key point to that is experience. It's not some fantasy list of the ideal woman I wish I would meet some day. I have dated four different women in my life and am working on a fifth right now who all fit every bit of my requirement criteria who found me just as interesting as I found them.

There are bonus items. She's kinky as hell. She knows more about Fallout New Vegas than I do and we got emulators for our phones and are murdering each other's pokemon in LeafGreen. She's an animal nut and we're going horseback riding as soon as we find a stable around here with reasonable access or someone who owns a few horses we can get to know. She loves goofy tongue-in-cheek documentaries. These are just things we have in common that I'm glad to have.

So how the hell did I find her, exactly?

Well, first, I didn't waste any more time than necessary exploring people and figuring out we were not a match. When I realize it's not going to work out, I don't pretend otherwise and I don't stick around because I haven't gotten laid in a while and some girl is cute enough that sex for a few weeks or months while I take a break from being single sounds nice.

Second, I explore the hell out of any girl that will let me. I start personal conversations, I get to know them, and I try to get as much information to make that decision of "no, not you" as I can. I have my list, but I also let my gut be the one to tell me when it's time to make a decision. I trust my gut, because it knows exactly where my priorities lie.

Third, I approach every person as if, even if we aren't dating compatible, as if they might be someone I might want to know in a platonic way. Just because we're not right as a couple doesn't mean they might not be cool people. I was divorced, I needed a new friends circle separate from any association with my ex, and I kept that in mind. Being divorced doesn't mean that's the only reason you expand your friends circle. Also, making friends with girls you don't want to date sometimes leads you to being introduced to girls you do want to date.

So how did I meet the specific girl I'm with now?

My list is has priorities attached to it. What might my number one priority be? The one that I need even for platonic friendship.

Believe it or not, that number one priority is how they express themselves through writing. When I get phone numbers, I get e-mail addresses too. If someone doesn't want me to write them, they're out. That's it. Meeting online makes that a no brainer, obviously. In person, anyone who will give you a phone number will also give you an e-mail address.

See, as you might be gathering from this here, I write alot. Tons. Ridiculous amounts. That first e-mail is a test. Do they respond? How do they respond? What words do they choose when they express themselves? Can they digest a huge megapost of an e-mail and enjoy reading something that's well written and funny?

In the year since I separated from my ex wife, three women have passed the e-mail test. Out of probably fifty that I've written at some point who did write me back, met both online and in real life, maybe a 60/40 spread in favor of online.

One of them was a great girl, but her writing was simplistic and so were the ideas she expressed and the way she expressed them to me. She met all of my most basic criteria except for one. She simply wasn't intelligent enough for me. Not that she was stupid. She was thoughtful, and introspective. But it became very clear very quickly that the gap between our levels of intelligence was significant enough for me to have a problem with it. We went our separate ways.

The second was completely datable except for the fact that she's got some major trust and intimacy issues that are going to take her years to work through. And that is not something I was prepared to deal with. She is one of my closest friends now. She comes over and hangs out with me and the girl I'm with.

The third blew me the fuck out of the water. If I made you a list of the qualities of my ideal woman, the absolutely perfect woman for me in the sense that she covers every single requirement and every single optional thing that I want but can easily sacrifice for the right person, there is not a single fucking thing that she doesn't check off with flying colors.

Continued in next post... too damn long.

sebbab · 2013-11-29T22:44:24+00:00

My worst pain that I go trough is regretting for not saying things that I wanted to say and not expressing my thoughts enough - I have to work on that. I'm also willing to go though the same three points you mentioned and making bad decisions. Regarding the point three - Sometimes you can not have control over everything, so let it be.

ithearrow · 2013-11-29T22:45:53+00:00

Just to list a few of my massive pains that i had to go through in order to beocme good with women:

1.Oneitis 2.Jealousy/envy/negative feelings 3.Dealing with guy friends( some were complete assholes) 4. Dealing with women who have personality disorders

exhibitionistcouplez · 2013-11-30T11:00:51+00:00

Now, some of that is just... I don't know. It's like winning the lottery, the chances that I would meet someone that compatible with me. Someone who has no flaws I'm not prepared to deal with without resentment or regret. And yeah, at this point I'm pretty much bragging because why the fuck not, I'm happier than I've ever been in a relationship.

But there are a shitload of checkpoints on that list she could have missed and she would still be an amazing partner for me, someone who is capable of making me happy on a daily basis, who gives me all of the things I need in a relationship.

And I've spent this entire post talking about me because I'm drunk and have been up almost 24 hours, but it does bear some serious pointing out that amazingly I seem to be exactly what she needs, as well.

But then, that bit is somewhat covered by my exhaustive list of selection criteria. I explore, I also throw myself out there. Uncensored and unashamed. If I'm not what someone else needs, they're going to figure that out for themselves really, really fast. They're not going to respond to me with any interest, and after reading my list I think you can understand why I didn't feel that I needed to mention that a girl liking me as much as I like her is so basic it's not even worth mentioning.

I approach every woman who I look at with romantic interest like she might be the one until I find out she isn't. But I don't shy away from the realization that she isn't. And I don't invest in "well she could be someday" either. Either she is, or she isn't. "Could be some day" occasionally translates into "let's be friends and if things change down the line and you're interested, we'll see what happens" which I of course keep entirely to myself. Girl 2 above could have been just as good for me, eventually, as girl 3 is now. But I didn't waste my time trying to find out if eventually came around. I moved on and kept looking.

I guess, if you want to ask me what pain I was willing to go through the answer would be that I was willing to be single and sexless for as long as it took to find someone who fit me the way I wanted, who I also fit in the way that I wanted, who wanted to be with me just as much as I wanted to be with her. And I went out and I fucking searched. I beat the bushes and scoured bars and work and the gym and my social circles and the internet.

If you take anything from my story, take that settling is the worst thing you can do for yourself. Taking a break from the world because you just want to be loved and get laid and have someone around who thinks you're attractive also takes you out of situations where you might meet a person who really does match up with you the way you want.

And take away that you have to actually fucking search. That you have to try to be objective about things when you can, and be fair to people you date or try to date.

I know a number of people my age and above who got married in their early 20s because they found "good enough" If you asked them if they thought this was the person they wanted to spend their life with, they would have waffled around with the answer, but things were comfortable enough that they stayed until marriage or otherwise long term commitment became a "shit or get off the pot" scenario and they'd been together so long at that point that contemplating being single was too scary. And then later down the line they ran into someone who really did fit them the way they wish they had kept looking for when they were younger.

Don't be that guy. Don't be that idiot who tells his friends they're wrong when you know they're right and you realize you've been with someone for five or seven or ten years because you never had enough fights to make you just flat out run the other way. I'm not saying that you walk away if things aren't perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. Fights happen. Rocky times happen in serious relationships. There are always gaps between people which must be bridged.

Just don't settle for someone where the only things you have in common are that you want a serious relationship, the sex is decent enough to be a positive aspect of the relationship, and you watch the same shows. Figure people out, and figure them out fast. Learn as much as you can about everyone you go out with as fast as you can, so that you can figure out as early as possible if this is someone who you can really love, who can really love you, and who you know will work with you so that when the connection does die you both fight your asses off to put things back together and get back to a place where you can cuddle on the couch watching How to Train Your Dragon while you tease each other to see who is the one to break, pause the movie, and demand couch sex first.

LukeJendryng · 2013-12-01T09:17:53+00:00

Suffering. Pure, soul wrenching agony. Having her haunt your every waking moment for the rest of your life. Wanting her so much you can't eat, you can't sleep and you can't even drink away the pain. Being next to a fire that sears your soul to its core and never letting her see you flinch. Working your body and mind and spirit to their limits and failing. Then getting back up again. And accepting that you might be doing it all for someone who will never know and who will never care.

Title	Seddit, what pains are you willing to go through to get the girl of your dreams?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1
Comments	5
Date	November 29, 2013 8:28 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1rq9ud/seddit_what_pains_are_you_willing_to_go_through/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/seddit-what-pains-are-you-willing-to-go-through-to.1362247 https://theredarchive.com/post/1362247

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