I met my LTR 1.5 years ago when I was 18. I'm 19 now.

We broke up back in July 2018 and got together back in August 2018 (1 Month break). I broke it off because I wanted to go party and have fun meeting other chicks. I got super lonely and went back with her . When I practically begged to go back to her, and she took me back, I told myself I would never do that again. And then less then a month I was considering other women already.

My LTR was my first real girlfriend and first girl i had sex with. Since the day we met (minus the month we were split up), we spent nearly 99% of the time together. We have only missed maybe 8 or 9 days of not seeing each other.

Since we've been back together I have still had thoughts about breaking up with her again to go hang out with other women. But when I get close to doing it I get super sad, lonely, depressed and cannot stop thinking about all of our old times together. Vacations, Dates, inside jokes, all the cuck shit you name it.

Recently, I cheated on her (2 Nights Ago) and got a handjob from another girl. I felt guilty and told her, she was super upset but she has forgiven me. I kind of wish she dumped me over it.

I don't know what I want, I feel like I want the stability of a LTR but I also want to go run around and meet other women. My LTR is not down for a open-relationship. Its just I feel like I want to go hang with other girls and when I get close to breaking things off, she starts to get away from me and I always Clam up and get this feeling like "Im losing her" and I need to get her back so I never fully break up with her. I always get worried that I may be missing out on a lifetime of memories.

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Has anybody ever been in this position? I know you cant eat your cake and have it, but I seriously need someone to help me through these thoughts.

Shes honestly a really good girl, loyal, fun to hang around, good goals/ambitions. Im not as sexually attracted to her as I was when we first met. Maybe im coming off a case of oneitis?

Whose been in this position? What did you do?

EDIT: I should add. I've begun to kinda lean away from her recently now after telling her I cheated. I told her yesturday and at first she became SUPER DISTANT. But I did that fucking stupid thing where I tried to win her back and then she got close with me, and now i'm becoming distant to her and shes always calling me and basically treating me like I never cheated.