Hi Becomeaman.

I don't know if this is the correct place to post this, so delete if necessary or point me in the direction of the proper Reddit. I'm a 23 year old man that has had a pretty shitty upbringing/schooling, resulting in me being extremely beta, I would like to fix this and I want to be the man I know I can be. But I don't know where to begin. I thought I'd post a bit about my past.

  My childhood years I was hit a lot by my parents, so much that I would often have to be on my best behavior at all times to avoid being hit, I spent a lot of my time in my bed because they would confine me to my bed for weeks upon end with nothing but my thoughts/imagination/teddies to keep me sane during the day. I guess this was their way of disciplining me. I never had birthday presents or celebrated Christmas because both of them were Jehovah's Witnesses so I already began to see myself differently to everyone else. I was different in school compared to the other kids, I got bullied a lot so I would ask my dad what to do in these situations.

  My father (being an absolute huge beta blue pill) would always tell me to walk away from confrontations and never stick up for yourself because it's better to walk away unscathed, so here's where my life started going in the blue pill direction. So many times I was called shit but I never stuck up for myself, I would just walk away, laugh it off, go home and cry myself to sleep. High school was pretty much like this all the way through, I got into a fight once from calling a dude fat that called my mother a whore but I ended up just walking off and leaving the situation, that was the only near fight I ever got into. Throughout high school video games were my reality escape, without those I probably would've done something I regret to myself, even today I play games to escape the world. I got into fights with my dad a lot, I pushed my mom over once in rage, my parents for some reason never cared about my grades or achievements, they never once attended a school parent meeting.

  I often feel like my dad wasn't interested in having children, or perhaps he just didn't know how because he himself was a beta. My mom basically got with him for pity because he was that much of a pathetic person, she was the only girl he had in his entire life and I'm sure he was virgin until he had me.

  College was more or less high school but with less abuse from people, the group of friends I hung around with had a big deal with having a social ladder, I was at the bottom pretty much and had to deal with constant insults which again I just laughed off or accepted. I ended up going the gym for a while and getting a little bit bigger, I was always skeleton mode so I thought it would help. It didn't last long but it did give me a little confidence. Not much happened in College unfortunately, but the no confidence/self esteem from my childhood continued into University, at some point in College I started to feel anxious more no reason, which was the start of my anxiety problems.

  Before University I worked some part time jobs, I worked in McDonald's and was a cafe worker. I feared every day going to work in McDonald's, people were all normal there, they acted normal and talked normal with no issues. I always felt like I was out of the picture and under pressure to conform with them, I tried my best to be a normal person but it was hard.

  I ended up quitting McDonald's when something pathetic happened to me, some 16 year old (I was about 18/19 at the time) threw a tomato at my face in the kitchen with everyone looking, I picked it up and threw it back at him so I didn't look like an idiot. He then walked up to me put his nose against mine and told me to say sorry. I felt so intimated and pathetic so I said sorry to him, and the rest of the guys in the kitchen laughed at me. A 19 year old made to apologize to a kid.

  University was probably the worst period for me at 20 years old, I had heavily invested into video games to escape the reality of going out and meeting people. I would often sit in my room til 3am just playing games in the dark, hardly ever venturing out of my room and relying on foods that didn't need me to cook so I didn't have to go out of it. I was afraid of the people that I lived with because they were so intimidating to me, big lads that had normal childhoods and liked normal things like sports or women.

  They used to ask me if I wanted to go out through the door when I was in my room, half the time I just pretended I wasn't there or just said no, they would spit on my door or kick it, I guess they were just drunk students being students. The first year of university ended with me just crying on how things turned out, instead of meeting people I stayed in where I thought I was safe, instead of meeting women I didn't meet anyone, instead of going out to get drunk I went maybe 4 times in total. The entire year was a pathetic waste of my life.

  The second year I tried to change, I started hitting the gym, reading starting strength to get out of skeleton mode, I started wall climbing/bouldering, started to learn BJJ at a local fighting place and started to go clubbing more and meeting people. It worked out well because I got to the stage where I actually had confidence, after about 8 months I had put on a lot of muscle and my body shape looked really great, I actually had pecks for once. I stopped playing video games, started reading book, I adopted a cocky attitude and the residents who lived with me respected me, since they were all betas they were seemingly scared of me.

  I once brought up when were drunk the fact that I could kick all of these guys asses to their face, and they agreed. People were actually intimated of me, it was quite intoxicating. In any case not long before University ended we had to do a presentation in front of about 30 people in a hall, I was nervous as fuck but I had to do it for an examination. I got up ready to do it and something happened at the beginning, I froze up, I couldn't think or speak, I started panicking. Everyone was looking at me waiting and I uttered out the words "I can't do this" and ran out of the room. Needless to say that was my downfall and I see slumped into a depressive state where I went back to video games, this is where I failed my year and left university age 22.

  Since then I've had no jobs or thought to return back to university. I've had nights out with my group of friends from college and they've all changed so much, they all fuck women on a weekly basis, they all dress and act/look like men, they all have respect/self esteem for themselves. I feel like a child, it's like I'm stuck in my teenage years waiting for something to happen but it's not. I hate checking Facebook and seeing my friends all out living their lives, doing their jobs, making careers, fucking women, and I've just sat here playing games for a year. I don't feel anything like a man, I'm 23 fucking years old and even kids have more life experience than I do. I don't have any love or self esteem for myself, I'm scared to speak to women and I'm scared to get a job now. I'm scared because it feels like everyone is judging me, they all know I'm not a proper man and I hate it.

  I discovered TRP about 4 months ago and I've been reading into it a lot, a lot more makes sense to me now. I'm making this thread because well, I don't feel like a man in any sense of the word. And I can understand why women don't like me, why I can't make any friends, why no one will hire me, it's because I'm fucking pathetic right now.

  I guess the point of this topic is where do I go from here? I know a job is #1 on the list, I'm also currently due to go to therapy for anxiety next week. I'm sick of living this life, I'd happily throw away my PC and everything that is getting in the way of me being a normal person. I've thought a lot about my upbringing and other things, and perhaps I'm just fucked? Perhaps my brain has already stopped growing and everything I experienced as a child and in high school has permanently made me this person.