How can I (22F) self-improve when dealing with anxiety/depression?

ThrowawayPUA · 2015-03-31T05:55:20+00:00

You mention having a lot of issues here about depression and having a low self-image, this makes it hard to project a positive, attractive image. So for some people, socializing with people makes them self-conscious and a nervous wreck, we don't even see the signals other people are giving us, and we aren't even aware that we're giving signals back. And usually those signals are random, even unintentional, so we end up repelling people, even though that's not what we wanted at all.

So a lot of us have these "inner game" problems that we have to settle, and get into better thinking patterns. Then we are better able to make an emotional connection with people and become intimate. I think I would recommend a book to you, it's by a psychologist who developed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it's a way to replace self-defeating thoughts with positive ones. The book is Intimate Connections by David D. Burns M.D.. That book is actually a sequel to his first book, Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy. I have read them both and I think you could do well with their program.

Dragnil · 2015-03-31T15:01:33+00:00

There’s a ton going on here, so sorry for the block of text, but I’ll try to touch on everything.

I'm just now emerging from a prolonged battle with anxiety/depression. I feel like I've progressed a ton from where I was 4 years ago, but I'd be misleading you if I said it was a quick fix.

I find that my depression gets worse the more I fall into a routine. When you feel tired and down all the time, it's easy to get stuck in a rut where you just wake up, go to work/school, go home and eat/watch TV. It's easy, and you already feel like shit, so why would you do anything that seems like it would be even more stressful? However, your life gets worse because you're doing nothing to improve it, so you retreat deeper into your hole in an attempt to feel safe. The cycle worsens. You really need to bombard yourself with stimuli to force yourself out of that comfort zone. Your survival instincts kick in and it at least allows me to feel a bit more in control of my life.

Anxiety is a bit easier. If you can identify the situations that cause you anxiety, confront them regularly. Start with baby steps and move on from there. Example: If you have social anxiety, start by asking an old friend to grab coffee with you before trying to hit a nightclub. If you're like me and just have general anxiety with no specific source, exercise is the only thing I've found that really seems to help.

You may want to try reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People . I read it a few years ago, and with a bit of tweaking to fit me, I've been able to use the first portion of the book to really help me set and reach goals. That could really help improve your self-esteem.

As for the guys you're meeting online, make sure you're being clear about what you want. I think 90% of the problems between people of opposite genders are just breakdowns in communication. You're telling us that you feel like those guys are just in it for phone sex, but are you telling them that? What exactly is your end goal perusing r4r?

I don’t think being sober or celibate (at least for the time being) is a major problem if you understand the connotations they carry. A lot of people will assume you’re boring when you tell them you don’t drink. They may also feel uncomfortable drinking around you which would lead them to avoid inviting you to social situations where alcohol is involved (See: almost every social gathering in your 20s). You need to go out of your way to be fun and outgoing. You also need to abolish any urge to criticize anyone ever about their drinking habits. These two things will shut your social life down as a non-drinker.

Not wanting sex right away is understandable. I haven’t slept with most of the girls I’ve dated. However, the lack of sex definitely carries a connotation. When I’m in a relationship with a girl and things aren’t really escalating physically, I tend to assume she’s just not that into me. If the sexual holding pattern persists for too long, and she doesn’t do anything else to show that the relationship is escalating in her eyes, I’m grabbing my parachute and jumping ship at the next possible opportunity. If you’re getting more interested in a guy, but you’re not ready to make that jump, you’re going to have to discuss this with him and respect his decision one way or the other.

TL;DR – Focus on self-improvement first by setting long term goals and creating a plan to attain them. Respect your own beliefs and feelings, but be aware of how they may make other people feel.

DaygameCoach · 2015-03-31T12:59:48+00:00

The sidebar in this board? It's written for men (It's mainly Pickup Artist advice for men), not women. A more women focused group would be #FPUA, although they are more hunters and that doesn't sound like what you need. They are still women trying to be better with men, so maybe you can help.

With women it's more about being nice, attractive (but it's subjective, so depending on your standards for men, you could be fine), open to conversation and being approached, supportive, etc. You need to go along with things like giving a phone # or going for coffee or drinks, but not for phone sex.

As far as depression/anxiety (assuming we mean clinical), get counseling and if the Psychiatrist says you need meds, get them.

fruit7 · 2015-03-31T13:02:15+00:00

It's a bit easier in my opinion for a girl than a guy to seduce. Just give guys compliments and if they find you attractive they'll probably flirt with you.

Abundance7com · 2015-04-01T00:59:32+00:00

Hi! One of the FASTEST way to let og of all these issues, is using TRE(trauma release excercise) The american military use it to treat soldiers for PSTD, who Return from war.

ResistingTemptation · 2015-03-31T19:28:18+00:00

I'd say you should get out of your comfort zone, but only do so in ways in which you see yourself improving e.g. going to the gym, aiming to talk to x number of strangers a day, joining a society at college etc. See if you can also talk to a college counsellor. Usually there are good services in college for students who feel depressed or lonely.

I would say whilst seduction is not all about image or looks, you should aim to be the best person you can be, outside and inside. If that requires losing some weight, so be it.

A key point is that perhaps you're looking for company on the wrong forums and in the wrong places, and you're also looking for friends on the internet, which is in itself a bubble apart from the real world.

I would say work on yourself first. If you meet a guy on your journey then great. But don't go out meeting guys right now. I don't think you're ready for a relationship from your post, and I can imagine a lot of guys may end up hurting you unintentionally. Good luck.

rangamatchstick · 2015-03-31T03:21:16+00:00

Im not trying to be rude, but your in the wrong sub reddit. I would recommend looking for a subreddit that has more females and is dedicated to that kind of problem, this sub reddit is dedicated to improving guys seduction capabilities and self improvements that go along side that. However you did ask so why not ill give it a shot.

If you want to take stuff away from this sub reddit research first as they are aimed at male attraction which is very different to female attraction. (Men are initially attracted physically and all other attributes mean nothing at the start, Women....well its complicated and thats what this "hobby" is in part about, studying and understanding it.)
Not wanting to drink, have sex straight away is not killing the attraction, its that you are closing off and becoming boring, something you need to overcome and the best way to do that is by putting yourself in the situations were you feel most anxious. For example I went out by myself for six months atleast twice a week, in order to get rid of my social anxiety and improve my social skills.
The resting bitch face isnt great, but a confident guy will probably just make a joke out of it if he hit on you, still it can be seen as boredom so guess what you need to do?...HAVE FUN! The ability to just have fun in most social environments will come as you get less and less anxious by putting yourself in the situations that make you feel anxious.
Dont give up, these issues may seem huge but they arent that bad and attraction is pretty much always in the girls favour, some of the guys on this forum will go two years practising multiple times a week. before they hookup, or have sex but it always gets better and you can always improve.

Title	How can I (22F) self-improve when dealing with anxiety/depression?
Author	learningtochange328
Upvotes	9
Comments	21
Date	March 31, 2015 2:45 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/30vt8y/how_can_i_22f_selfimprove_when_dealing_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-can-i-22f-self-improve-when-dealing-with.1386046 https://theredarchive.com/post/1386046

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