Whatsup seddit. I've been quietly lurking in the shadows taking in all the information available here for the past few weeks and finally had an amazing night that I had to make a reddit account to post about. So I'm 19 years old and have basically spent all my life unable to socialize with new people. Around people I know and trust I'm incredibly talkative and usually the driving force of any conversation but as soon as I'm thrust into a position where I'm alone I become very self-conscious and anxious about how I affect other people. This isn't just a girl thing too i do it with guys im trying to befriend. So knowing this I've decided to start going out to bars with a fake id and just trying to make friends and socialize. Thing is I'm not a fan of the popular music in general and prefer metal shows and metal/punk rock themed bars. So I started going to metal bars this past friday night and I went to a great show that I really enjoyed and made one friend from being crazy in the mosh pit (where I can really stop giving a fuck). At the same time I was trying to pick up the girls I thought were cute and just got rejected over and over again. I knew why too. It hit me immediately I knew I was sounding creepy. I was trying to follow some sort of formula I came up with in my head based on the information I gathered here. I would try to escalate kino but it would be forced or I would say an opener and while saying it feel anxious and thus transfer it to the girl.

So while that night was certainly fun I did not necesarily have luck. Moving on to this Halloween night things started out even drearier. The music tonight wasn't so good. More ambient atmospheric stuff and such. So I spent the next 3 hours trying to take in the vibes but not being fully able to embrace it. At the same time I kept approaching all these women I thought were cute and constantly getting rejected so I was starting to feel pretty bad about the night because I wasnt enjoying myself at all. I finally decided to leave and was gonna just go home when I kind of latched onto something. There's a song that's been stuck in my head for the past week and I've fallen in love with. It's Alabama Song by The Doors (actually a cover of a song from a musical). It's incredibly easy to sing and remember the lyrics and the perfect song to sing and stroll to. So I decide that I have literally nothing to lose. I don't care if anyone judges me because I'm leaving. So I walk down the street snapping my fingers and swaying back and forth singing the song aloud to anyone who will hear it. I start singing sort of meekly and mildly but I keep trying to push myself to really shout it at the world. What I noticed really surprised me. No one looked at me strange. All I got was either being ignored or positive reinforcement. No one told me "cut that out you crazy crackhead" or anything of the sort. I was running through the streets singing nonsense about whisky bars and little girls and no one gave a damm. This was the first big confidence boost of the night

So I'm strolling down the avenue singing my song of Alabama when I hear music coming from across the street. I see that there's a Jazz club with live music being played and so I investigate because I love Jazz music. I walk up there and notice a hispanic teenager in a blue hoodie sitting down outside of the doorway. I ask him if theres an entrance fee or anything. He says "I don't know man I don't got any money and I'm only 19 anyway so they won't let me in." I ask him if hes out with friends or anything and he's like "I don't have friends" and so I'm like "well that makes two of us." and sit down with him. We start talking. He tells me his name is Miguel and that he snorted some cocaine earlier. The conversation moves very strangely in the sense that since hes sort of in his own world there are moments of silence and theres a lack of pressure on either of us to really say anything. We're just sitting there chilling and I bring up my failings with women and socializing in general in that night. He tells me essentially in his own words what I've read here and what I know in my heart. He says, "the trick is you got to learn not to fall for a girl's pussy power. Every girl's got pussy power they say "Oh if you dont do this and that I wont give you my pussy." but you gotta say no to that. You got penis power. Fuck her pussy power it doesn't matter.". We walk across the street and into a corner store and I buy him a bag of chips and myself a water. While there he hits on like 2 or 3 different women. They all reject him and I think he knows from the start that they will reject him but he just doesn't care. He does it anyway because he knows it won't affect him. We then just lean against the cornerstore continuing to just chill. He does some weird shit like jump around and do pull ups on the crosswalk signal when he feels like it and at one point he pulls out a packet of ketchup and just eats the ketchup. I'm like "are you just eating ketchup?" and hes like "nah man it's not any ketchup it's McDonald's ketchup." I start laughing my ass off but I take a packet he offers me and eat some ketchup too. It's pretty good. Straight sugar and sodium and all that.

Anyway we're just chilling talking more about shit like socializing and life and all that shit and he just occasionally is hitting on the women that walk by. Again he knows they won't respond well but he just does not care. We eventually start singing this song together and the other people hanging out are like "wtf are you doing" but we're just enjoying ourselves and it doesn't bother us. Anyway I'm coordinating with the guy I met the other night to go out to some other bars in the hopes that maybe my luck will improve there. I say goodbye to Miguel and get his facebook so we can stay in touch since he doesnt have a phone (yeah I know). Shortly after, I get a call from my older brother who wants to pick me up cause he also wants go out and hes with the girlfriend and all that and maybe hes a little protective of me going out alone at night or whatever. In any case I'm like "sure I guess if you want to you can." so he says "ill be there in 20 minutes." Now I have 20 minutes to kill so I decide to go back to the metal bar for the first time without an ulterior motive.

For the first time in the night I'm not going to a metal bar to pickup women or to listen to music or to have drinks. I'm just going cause I feel like it. I'm starting to get a taste of what it is to just do rather than think. As I'm walking back I start to get back into the stroll singing the Alabama Song even louder this time and with even more swagger in my step. I keep building this up until I'm just fully immersed in that song by the time I reach the bar. At that point I'm in such a different state I barely even understand what's happening. It's like I've made myself drunk without actually getting drunk (I had 1 hard cider). I walk into the club like a total douche and legitimately just feel like I own the place. Every step I take has a staggered swagger to it and im snapping my fingers walking to the beat of whats playing in the bar and just not caring. This is a point where I just stop thinking about anything anymore. Now I just do. I do whatever I want to do.

The song Am I Evil by diamond head comes on and I get the urge to sing along to it and I start randomly pulling this girl and start singing the lyrics in her face. She quickly pushes me away but for the first time I'm completely unaffected and just keep going. I notice that theres a karaoke starting and the Am I Evil? stops and I decide "Well I'm enjoying singing to random people so I would definitely enjoy singing the Alabama Song up on stage." So I sign up for the Karaoke and text my brother that maybe we can say awhile here because I wan to do the Karaoke. Anyway I start going to sets where I feel like. I'm not even going to sets because of girls I just kind of see a group congregating and go in. I do kino super duper naturally and within a minute I have this asian girl whos in a group with her 2 friends. I open this set by saying "hey guess what nothing matters. Nothing fucking matters." and everyone is just kind of agreeing. I dont introduce myself I just say "hey nothing matters" because thats what I'm thinking in that moment. So anyway a minute or two into this set one of the girls is like "wait do you know this guy?" and shes like "I thought he was your friend." and I laugh my ass off. The second girl gets really upset kinda weirdly so though and is like "leave now I dont want you in my sight." I try to kind of be like "wait why" and stay but eventually she gets me to leave and I move on. I'm not actually sure what made her so angry and maybe a more experienced sedditor could tell me how I should have handled that situation.

Just about in that moment I hear in the distance "Pornography!" and I'm just like "what pornography? that sounds like an interesting conversation" So I just walk over and start going "all I heard was pornography but I need to know more" and all the people in the set immediately like me. Later I learn that they were talking about the song Pornography by The Cure (which I still have never listened to).

It's about at this time that my brother, his girlfriend, and her friend (who is gay though I don't realize at the time) walk in and we say hi. At this point I'm so fucking happy I'm giddy at this epiphany I've had. This feeling of not caring it's made me just overjoyed. I'm just ridiculously happy about being happy and I share it with him and just talk to him in a way I've never talked to my brother before. For the first time I'm talking to him without the awkwardness of our usual conversations and talking to him as if hes just some friend or even random person because I don't care if he judges me anymore. Anyway I can't stop talking about this new and exciting feeling this new me. I feel like I've been reborn into someone new. Soon my song for Karaoke comes up and so I go up and just start singing the Alabama Song and essentially completely forget that there is even a crowd. I just sing it and put my heart into it and all that and I'm just loving every second of it. In retrospect looking at the video my brother took of me I think I look and sound terrible and would describe my movements as that of a troll but in the moment I felt like I was Jim Morrison.

After I walk off the stage I ask my brother and the others how I did but I quickly get bored as I want a more unbiased opinion. I notice this cute maybe filipino maybe latina girl sitting in the corner of the bar on her phone. I immediately am like "I want to know what she thought of it." So I walk up to her and say "what did you think of my singing?". She looks up with a beautiful smile and she tells me I did great. I continue bouncing off just vomiting any thought that comes into my head out onto her and sit down and start doing kino and all that just because it feels natural and good. Pretty soon shes hooked like crazy with the big anime eyes and everything. Every word that comes out of my mouth makes her laugh and I keep getting more and more sexual cause I'm very attracted to her. And I'm kissing her and making out with her with tongue whenever I can and shes super receptive. The conversation kind of goes to my age since I'm still super excited about this new state of being so I start telling her about it and I tell her that I'm 21. From then on she seems to be intent on not fucking me since shes 29 but I still am not sure if I could have pursued it. We're still hitting it off greatly and I have her on my lap with a hand on her ass and another on her leg and all that and shes just totally fine with it. She complains in that way that isn't a complaint and it's cute as fuck.

I really don't know if she would have fucked me if i kept pursuing it. The age seemed to be a big deal for her and she also had to leave to catch a plane to LA early in the morning so she might have had it on her mind that she couldnt stick around for a full night life. Theres a part of me that thinks though that she was just trying to test me and that If i pushed hard enough I would have gotten something from her. Anyway the conversation starts turning more chatty and our touching turns more tender than sensual and at that point I kind of lose interest in fucking her anyway since it doesn't seem like it would happen and I'm still having loads of fun just talking to her. I still kind of pick her up and grope her and all that though shes resisting playfully and before she leaves to go eat with her friend we have a long makeout. I'm content with it leaving at that though because it's so much farther than i've ever gone with some random girl and It's just a huge confidence boost that I could just walk up to this girl and be making out with her within a minute simply by not caring or trying. When my brother sees and also hears me tell it because then I'm so happy about my time with this girl that I'm telling my brother about it he's like "I think you're on drugs or something" because it's so freaking weird and unlike me to do these things. I think he judged me negatively for it cause hes a more conservative sort of guy but the truth is I still don't care. I'm about to go to sleep tonight and my biggest fear is that I'll wake up and be the person I was before. Anyway I just had to share this story with you guys because well, I don't care if you like it or not. Goodnight Seddit! :)