Recently I've been developing feelings for a girl in my friendship circle. I hate it because whenever I develop feelings for someone it eats me alive because I feel so inferior compared to everyone. We get along fine, we make jokes with each other but I feel like she gets along better with other people in my group more and it makes me feel so sad when I know it shouldn't. These people are some of my closest friends (known em for like 5-6 years now) but whenever I see her getting along with someone and just laughing with them I get so sad. I know insecurity is extremely unattractive but I can't help but let these feelings over take me.

But I can't really blame her. I am pretty boring like I am such boring company. I got no energy. I think about suicide (I won't do it dw). I am generally a gloomy person with heaps of issues and I feel like it'll take two lifetimes for me to fix myself and I can't help but sit here and feel so shit about myself. People don't really know this side of me even though it's came out a few times when I was drunk. Even during my high school years I cam remember thinking why people are never interested in me or why I can't form deep relationships with people. People like me and are my friend but I was never the one people would invest their secrets and emotions in. My best friend said to invite him to one of the groups outing and he's a pretty good looking dude and I'm afraid she'll like him way more because he's way better than I and way better than looking me too. I'm such a huge bitch and I hate myself. I got a great life in terms of necessities but I just hate myself. I wanna be confidence and fearless but if both of those was on a spectrum I'd be on the opposite end for both. I honestly can't take anymore of this worthless existence because every year it just gets worse and I just feel shittier. I hate my life.....I see no escape.