Thank You for anyone who reads this! I know it's really long but I feel like ya'll will find this interesting and I'm am in dire need of insight and guidance.

I've had social anxiety my entire life. And when I say that I don't mean just being shy but real, full on social anxiety. For those who don't know what it is or need clarity: http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/mental-health-social-anxiety-disorder.

This kept my life very lonely because I feared even the smallest social interactions like answering questions in class or even raising my hand to go to the bathroom (this lead me to piss my pants in class once). If I knew I was going to have to interact with anyone I would stress about it from the moment I knew I was going to have to do it. I always knew something was wrong with me because I rarely made friends and if I did, it wasn't a real friendship just an acquaintance. It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I finally understood I had social anxiety and this lead me to becoming very depressed.

But ironically when I found out what was wrong with me, a girl took interest in me for the first time in my life. Lets call her C. And she was a 10/10 and sooo out of my league. But I was so unprepared. I had never had any kind of relationship with a girl and never even been on a date with one either. This lead to the few dates we had being awkward on an un-proportional scale. All this did was make my confidence go from 1 to 0 (on a scale of 0-100). Being desperate I just asked her out to which she said no because I was going to college in another city and she didn't know how a long distance relationship would workout. I respected her answer and that was that.

Then my first semester of college she msg's me out of the blue one day and say's she misses me. I msg her back saying I miss her too. She responds by saying I look hot (this was all on snapchat). I keep it going and say "I look hotter in person" and she says "do I need to make a trip up there to see you?". I say "yup". And that was it for that. A few weeks later I finally get a chance to hangout with her and she does some fuck shit and brings her friend (lets call her S) along without telling me. I act cool and just go with it. At the end we pull up to her house and S decides to go inside so we can get some time alone but instead C does some more fuck shit! She tells S to wait because "they have to go inside together". S seemed surprised and asks why and tells C to stay and she'll go inside first. But C doesn't let her and they go inside together and I give her a hug and leave. I was pretty pissed and sad from what happened so I decided I wasn't going to contact her unless she contacted back first. She did the next morning.

From then on we regularly texted each other and she also kept sending me revealing and seducing snapchats. We decide to hangout 3 weeks after that first "date". We go tailgating and I know I'm gonna get laid. We drink a little and take some adderall. After tailgating for a few hours, I tell her lets go to my place to which she agrees. We get in my bed and start cuddling and put something on Netflix. This was the start of probably the shittiest 24 hours of my life.

So we stay in bed for a few hours and talk and get to know each other. She tells me she can't wait to meet my parents and tells me how her parents love me and shit. She even invites me to thanksgiving but I had to decline because I was already going to thanksgiving at my friends. I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THE ANXIETY AND HAVN't MADE A MOVE. FML. I tell her I really want to kiss her but I'm too nervous and she just says she is nervous too and that conversation just ends there. We decide to go eat and afterwards we meet up with a few of my friends at a party and from their we go downtown to bars. We get pretty wasted and there I start grinding on her and feeling her up. At that time it's just me, her and my friend. We go to a few bars and decide to take an uber home around 2:30.

The three of us get to my place and I head to my room to change. While changing I passed the fuck out on my bedroom floor. While I was passed out C and my friend are in the living room and they end up fucking. In my house. While I'm there passed out in my room. Seriously, FML. Luckily my roommate was in the room next to there's and heard everything. When I wake up in the morning he tells me everything. I ask my friend to step outside with me for a minute and I ask him if they fucked. He lies and say's they made out. At this point my roommate comes outside and tackles that piece of shit (we'll just refer to my former friend as a piece of shit from now on). My roommate holds him down so that I can punch him but I don't do anything. I just tell him to leave and I go inside and confront C. She just say's she was really drunk and doesn't remember (lying bitch). I ask her if she still wants to see me to which she replies yes. (Also I partly handled the situation like I did because I had just taken a few huge bong rips literally 2 seconds before my roommate told me about what went down that night so more than anything I was just heartbroken and wanted it to be over at the moment). Also while all this as happening, my squad was on their way to my house to probably kill that piece of shit and just tear that bitch (C) down and reveal everything and put it out in the open. Right when they pull up I leave with that bitch to go drop her off (I had picked her up bc her mom didn't want her to drive so far. 40 minute drive). When we get to her house she says thanks and tells me to text her when I get home. I do and she repeatedly apologizes and says "he meant nothing to me" and shit like that. At first I forgive her but my friends made me realize that both of them are pieces of shit and I should drop them both. I listen to them because obviously I am not a good decision maker. I tell that bitch to leave me alone and she repeatedly tries to make me stay. She tells me she wants to work things out and she cares about me too fucking much to do something fucked up like that on purpose. I still tell her to just leave me alone.

So redditors, I am a mess mentally and emotionally. I blame myself because if I didn't have this god damn mental illness I would have fucked her. Also Another reason I blame myself is because had I not gotten too wasted than it wouldn't have happened. All this has just made me depressed and I don't think I will ever be successful with women. I really need help. Any insight, advice and guidance is much appreciated.