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I'm an aspie who has no luck with women, what to do?

[deleted] · 2016-05-09T20:40:03+00:00

I got diagnosed with aspergers last year but I've been dealing with depression and problems socializing for the longest time. I've only ever...

[deleted]

May 9, 2016

3 upvotes

/r/seduction

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Post Information

Title	I'm an aspie who has no luck with women, what to do?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	16
Date	May 9, 2016 8:40 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/4illtj/im_an_aspie_who_has_no_luck_with_women_what_to_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/im-an-aspie-who-has-no-luck-with-women-what-to-do.1406562 https://theredarchive.com/post/1406562

Comments

[–]Spiritofchokedout 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

For an Aspie everything is about offsetting your social limitations. It's like being a regular guy but more extreme.

Make money, have passion about what you do and the learned ability to express it gracefully, learn good wellness habits, and rely on social proof via others to help you meet women.

Solo flirting,seduction, and casual sex is not as likely as they rely on social calibration in environments most aspies suck in like bars and clubs. If you want that go with a wingman. Day game is possible but you'll still be playing against advantage without social proof that you're just "off" and not a serial killer.

It's a bit depressing but not insurmountable. It correlates worth what most aspies need to do to live a realized adult life anyway. It's also real, unlike that TRP stuff which tries to self-actualize through bitterness

[–]Aeon199 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Make money

A jerk's suggestion. "Just tell him to make money so he can make up for social problems," idiotic and it doesn't work unless he's rich.

rely on social proof via others to help you meet women.

Another horrific suggestion. Fuck this shit, telling an Aspie "Rely on Social Proof" = "Rely on Social Skills," you do understand that right? What kind of advice is this?

If you want that go with a wingman.

More excellent advice. Just go with a wingman who will steal all the attention from women, if we accept that he's either better looking or more socially fluent.. it guarantees the OP is left with nothing.

Solo flirting,seduction, and casual sex is not as likely

So just tell him to "focus on longterm relationships" when he possibly has the emotional regulation of a little kid (proven autistic tendency, especially for men) ?

WTF man, your advice is horrible. Your preaching "Social Status and Money" when:

1) Most Aspies are probably incapable of handling a social network 2) The unemployment rate for Aspies is astronomically higher than for normals, and there are good reasons for that. Executive dysfunction, learning problems, social difficulties.. the list goes on

Worst advice ever. Your basically against the idea of SELF-VALUE independent of tangible qualities. Anyone, including autistics, can learn to become self-confident and act in a more attractive way.

This idea that you suggest social circle game for Aspies is the ultimate irony, and quite cruel at that!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

[–]Spiritofchokedout 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

Validation from third parties-- ideally a girl's friend--that you're a good person and worth a look.

Social Proof is what tells a girl you're not a psychopath or creep or "loser." Given how many guys proposition a girl on any given day of their lives, this makes social proof a primary and generally valid way to filter through them. It's very important.

Social proof is also what you'd call "inductive." I work in a hospital and I'm not high-ranked. But I wear scrubs, glasses, and am an intelligent guy with inner confidence so when I'm out and about in my scrubs women of a much higher caliber than normal are interested in me. Why? Because now my wardrobe screams "Doctor" or at the very least "Nurse" and with that would come the social proof that I'm compassionate, hard-working, prestigious, and likely make good money. Suddenly being an Aspie matters a hell of a lot less, you see what I'm saying?

So since an Aspie is usually "funny" and not funny, it's best to work on social proof as much as humanly possible. Wingmen are going to be great for that. A good job and genuine passion is great for that. Generally all the same stuff regular guys are told to do to pick up women, but with the knowledge that you have to work harder on social proof to offset the fact that you'll likely never be as charismatic or fun as a non-Aspie.

You can definitely improve in those areas, but anyone who tells you you can become "just as good as the non-Aspie guys" at seducing women with a silver tongue either doesn't understand what Aspergers is or is trying to scam you for some book, website, videos, personal coaching, etc.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]Spiritofchokedout 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

They don't need to be.

Are you passionate? Do you give a fuck about what you do?
Do you have any other interests you pursue to improve yourself, make money, or otherwise enrich your life?
Do you have friends or at least acquaintances you can speak with and call upon for mutual exchange of goods, services, and other value?
How is your relationship with your family?
Is your body in decent shape? Do you eat right? Exercise? Sleep well?
What do you like to do for fun?
How do you dress?

You don't need great answers for all of them, but since you're not likely going to be charming or funny naturally nor with repeated practice, then you should improve upon them so you're bringing something worth a damn to the table.

If you just want hook-ups? Well for Aspies this is really tough unless they have crazy money or crazy-good looks because a lot of hook-ups are based on "dancing" of sorts and being honest man we don't dance well no matter how hard we try because of how we read and process cues. We're like that oblivious guy that didn't kiss them at 14 for our entire lives.

Again, making friends who can help validate you and looking for a relationship are your best options.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Spiritofchokedout 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

There is a famous PUA happens to be aspie and he happens to be Owen Cook/Tyler Durden from RSD. As an aspire myself, I respectfully disagree with your notion that we aspies have to orient our focus more toward social proof and calibration, although paradoxically I'm somewhat in concurrence that I have been learning the game for 5 months and haven't advanced beyond intermediate level (getting an insta-date or k-closing).

I have several instances of daygame, where I went out into my city's CBD over the summer holidays of December-February to cold approach, although it was a frustrating experience of having to go out for the sole purpose of opening sets, which especially sucked on weekdays. Nonetheless, I had some rather interesting experiences meeting European girls travelling here (none of whom I pulled successfully).

I had my first stint of nightgame back in December of last year, which had several flow ups in January due to the fact I had an expired passport and needed to obtain my drivers licence in order to gain entry. I one time almost ended up pulling a threesome with two American girls (who were my age - 20), but as naive and socially uncalibrated in the situation, I ended up paying for their door entry into a nightclub (the bouncer let us in for $15 altogether), where they eventually ditched me.

I recently had my first experience dealing with harsh rejection: I approached this girl outside a hipster bar that was celebrating its birthday party who gave me plenty of IOIs and was generally receptive toward me. We went to a bar further down the road alongside her group of friends, where after at least 5 minutes she decided to leave because she claimed she needed to do some miscellaneous things the following morning. We exchanged phone numbers and hugged and kissed her good night. I made the naive and uncalibrated of texting her 15 minutes after she left the bar and few times over the following week - not to mentioning, calling her up on a Wednesday. I saw her in a computer lab at my Uni where I saw her printing job applications. She claimed to me both in the call and in that second instance of seeing her that she was flunking her classes and therefore needed to spend a signfiicant portion of her time catching up study for her midsemester tests. I took her word for it, until I sent her a text later that week explicitly telling her that if she genuinely interested in me than I would be content to move on, to which she doesn't respond. I see her the following Friday late at night in the CBD after a meetup I had with my Music Students Association after seeing an orchestral concert in town, to which she dismisses me with a vigorous "fuck off, just leave me alone!" I sheepishly leave her until I see her at a bus stop further up the road and walk up to her to and attempt to clarify myself and my intentions for her: "I need to know whether you're genuinely interested. Of not than I'm totally fine with that", to which she asks whether I'm on the autistic response to which I unabashedly acknowledge. I eventually left that set and made no further deal about it, taking into thorough consideration I had worser experiences in high school, especially during mh years at a single sex school, where I had restricted social contact with women.

My sole passion and the career I aspire to in life is composition and performing on the cello and double bass (mainly Baroque and contemporary art music) and periodically I run into self-doubt and contemplation whether I can execute the "player" lifestyle of a seducer with something as demanding and precarious as music, coupled with my highly ambitious approach. Is this and of itself enough to significantly prop up my value on the dating market? Lately I have begun adopting the archetype of the 'bohemian tortured artist' - off course tailoring it to my own specific personality attributes and circumstance (I live at home, attending uni and getting money through government welfare). What advice can you offer anon?

[–]Spiritofchokedout 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Well I did offer my advice. Knowing literally nothing about OP other than his Aspergers, I gave him the broadest advice possible. You haven't offered anything other than peacocking your resume and sound like a manic douchebag.

I think you take social calibration for granted. Aspergers is a spectrum disorder and symptoms express to varying degrees of severity in different people. Thus my advice is catch-all and indeed may not apply to OP. Incidentally there is likely a lot of social proofing you're doing without even realizing it that forgives a social obliviousness you're by definition oblivious to. I mean did you know that most people with Aspergers can't even hold down a job? Yet you're at University. You are on the top end of the functioning curve. You can't take that for granted unless the OP specifies.

Thus advice for Aspies when it comes to seduction are general life improvement tailed towards social proof so that they aren't blindsided by harsh realities about how the world will perceive and treat them unless they have the social proof to "forgive" their wrong planet tendencies.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Spiritofchokedout 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ICanHasCheez 1 point2 points3 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 10 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 10 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link