Not just recently, but about half way through university it became clear that it hadnt got any better than high school. While getting therapy it was suggested that I take up as many activities as possible and meet people, that is what I did. For the next 2 years I joined every society that interested me remotely, went to all the open events that were available to me, and tried to make friends and gain some kind of a social life.

But what happens at every event is the same, no matter what mindset I take, or how good I feel on the day, I just cant participate normally in conversations, I cant be funny on cue, and when I try to be I usually end up freaking everyone out or embarrassing myself. Almost everyone would actively avoid me after one meeting.

I would join a mixed group, introduce myself on the first day and try to engage in a conversation with some of the other people, and within minutes everyone would be standing away somewhere else talking together with their back to me. Why does this happen?

Im not even socially at a point where I can think about talking to girls, why is it that no matter how I try to present myself, people never speak to me again after one conversation? Even on the few occasions someone else has approached me, after talking to me for a few minutes they would seemingly try to look away from me whenever I showed up again.

As far as I can understand, I just have no idea what to say, but I never get better at knowing what to talk about. I can ask people about themselves like every conversational guide says, or try to observe things around me, but it remains that im just boring and no guide can help.

Im going into a research degree soon as a postgraduate, so I hope I can figure this out before then, but it feels like ive tried everything, and read every guide, and after a few years nothing has changed. Its as though I am somehow coated in girl repellent.

If ive found my interests, spent time getting fit, spent time trying to practice my conversational skills with no real improvement, spent time on clothes, what is there left to even try? For a while I have completely retreated from even thinking about relationships because it seemed so far off, and to be honest I felt happier like this, it seems like giving up is the most sensible thing to do.