Girlfriend scared of being hurt once we have sex

2018-07-04T15:12:10+00:00

You both need to chill the fuck out and not see sex as such a big thing or something to “give away”. It’s something you should both just do if you enjoy doing it together, just like holding hands or kissing.

I can guarantee the first time you both have sex it will be messy, awkward and probably not that “deep” or enjoyable as both of you are so inexperienced at it and don’t really know what your doing. You will think “is that it” and will probably come away slightly disillusioned that you have built it up in your mind so much over time.

Also you should not be staying with a girl for 6 months without having sex, the girl is right. One of a key parts of a relationship is sexual chemistry and you may not have any with this girl and you could have just wasted 6 months of your life (and hers). Your peak years are important don’t waste them to appease some girls insecurities, you will only regret it in the long run.

thatcatwhisperer · 2018-07-04T15:53:49+00:00

I have found that usually, if/when you reach a point where you are "discussing" with a girl whether or not it is worth it for her to have sex with you - it's not going to happen, and the discussions only make things worse. The problem with trying to discuss or convince her is as follows: nobody likes being convinced or guilted into doing what they don't want to. You telling her she can trust you to not leave her is of no use. If she doesn't trust you enough, you saying that she can isn't going to make her do that now. How can she trust what you are saying is true when she has already decided that she doesn't trust you? Plus, it is inconceivable that you will stay with her forever just because she agreed to have sex with you. People should be allowed to leave relationships that they don't want, for any reason, at any time. You can't give up this right.

Secondly, the reasons why she "cannot" have sex with you are irrelevant. The fact is that she does not want to have sex with you. She has made this decision (for now at least) and makes this decision/choice every time she weighs the pros/cons in her mind, even when she is horny from making out with you. She is so clear about this in her mind. This is perfectly okay for her to do. People have the right to choose who they have sex with and when; and they have the right to seek whatever kind of relationship they want. The fact is that "I want to have sex with you, but ..." is basically the equivalent of "I don't want to have sex with you" (at least for now).

It may also (in times of frustration) be tempting to verbally hint/state that the relationship is a mess because of the lack of sex and that you "might" be getting less interested in continuing it (i.e. an impending break up). This probably won't work either. At best it will make her resentfully agree to sex - leading to complications soon after in the relationship. At worst, it will make her refuse, and then you relent and say "fine" and keep going, at which point she will feel that you only bluffed about the break-up. Then she will lose respect for you because it will appear like you tried to convince her into having sex by threatening to break-up with her when you actually couldn't follow through. If you think it isn't worth it to stay with her, then you must unilaterally decide that you want to end things, then stick with it even if she relents on the day you say you want to end things. Trading sex for "not breaking up" isn't a healthy way to continue a relationship.

I'd say that the best way forward that doesn't involve you actually breaking up with her is:

Stop giving her too much of your time/attention. Text and meet her less often. Initiate contact less often.
Use that time to work on yourself (train hard at the gym, study hard, work hard, build a bigger social circle, meet other girls platonically)
Take off all pressure of sex from your girlfriend. Initiate less often than her, and if/when something does happen (because of your very occasional initiation or hers), keep things light and easy. Show your self control and step away before things get close to sex. Don't escalate. Let her escalate if she wishes to. Don't be needy. Feel free to grin and walk away from a make-out session if you feel that there's any resistance at all. Don't make it a big deal or be offended. Smile, give her a kiss on the cheek, and step away. Make yourself some nice coffee and talk about last night's game. Throw all your unused sexual energy into step #2 above.
Don't say anything on this topic. Don't bring up sex. Don't explain the change in your behaviour except vaguely along the lines of (a) being busy (b) wanting to grow as a person.
Do all of this genuinely. This isn't a ploy to get sex out of her. It's your plan to make yourself grow as a person and be more attractive to those around you.

At some point, she will find herself more attracted to you than she is at the moment, and take things to the next level. If she doesn't, all this hard work means that you'd already be at a place in life where it won't matter. You can walk away from the relationship confident that you have what it takes to find someone else. And if that's what happens: don't resent her and don't regret your last 6 (or more) months together. Every relationship is a learning experience.

EDIT: minor typos.

WIA20XX · 2018-07-04T15:31:36+00:00

In a pull situation, the best play is the slow boil. Ramping up the tension, pulling away first, so that she is begging for it. Most guys don't have the level of detachment to do that.

The second option is the freeze out.

I understand.

Turn the lights on.

Check your computer.

You cannot be butt hurt!

Make her miss the warmth.

Sit back down.

Let her crawl back over to you.

Then from there you're trading affection and comfort for sexuality.

The third option for a girl that wants to wait, I'd let her wait. But you don't spend prime time with the girl, you go fuck other chicks. You can imply it, you can tell her, but you can't start a serious relationship with a girl that is insecure.

Because you're in a relationship with a girl that you think is a 10, and she's young - you have given her all of the power over your sexuality.

You can promise, but she won't believe you.

You can be nice and accommodating, but beta/provider/emotional tampon behavior let's the girl lose that sexual attraction for you.

What happens if you give her a verbal ultimatum? She leaves.

Try to communicate your needs?
Her needs are more valid.

So you just have to wait it out.

The 4th option?

Guys in marriages change their behavior.

They rediscover the gym and their buddies.
They become a lot more social.

The same behavior that women engage in when they're preparing to get out of a relationship.

This approach is subtle, but girls pick up on this.
Dread, fear of loss, competition anxiety...

But given your idealistic view of the girl, and your willingness to go sexless just to keep her happy - I don't think you could do this.

Lambdal7 · 2018-07-04T17:18:02+00:00

This is a better questions for r/sex or r/relationship.

hunterpua · 2018-07-04T20:28:41+00:00

As if sex would trigger in me the need to see other women, to move on. This is nonsense of course

You don't know that yet. You're a virgin, remember?

To put it in simple terms, when you get a taste of ice cream for the first time in your life, more likely than not, you will want to taste other flavors.

Also, once you get it out of the way you will now know how to have sex. Meaning you will be more comfortable with the idea of having sex with other girls you're attracted to.

You don't know anything about yourself when it comes to sex yet, so don't be so sure with yourself. Better to question yourself and address these questions and fully resolve them than to be blindly confident that you will behave the way she hopes you would should you two have sex. That's a potential recipe for getting both you and her really miserable.

She actually has a good point. Still a disputable point but certainly not nonsense.

As far as her insecurity goes, try to find other girls who have had meaningful relationships with the guys they lost their virginity to who will hopefully be on your side and have her talk to them.

No matter how much you know and love her, the fact is, you don't have a vagina and you don't know what its like to grow up as a girl so its best to convince her thru other girls.

Title	Girlfriend scared of being hurt once we have sex
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	4
Comments	16
Date	July 4, 2018 2:53 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/8w27id/girlfriend_scared_of_being_hurt_once_we_have_sex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/girlfriend-scared-of-being-hurt-once-we-have-sex.1449287 https://theredarchive.com/post/1449287

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